She is 93 with moderate dementia. She has always been this way coming back from childhood, her way of control, this I am aware of and not wanting to give into that control. It is quite difficult that now I am the sole caregiver for her, my brother, the other sibling, died twelve years ago with cancer and his family is very distant with us. So it is hard to be doing this alone after thirty years, caring for my father who died of cancer in 1987, my elderly grandmother who died in 1997, my brother who died in 2002 and now my mother. I would appreciate any advice or input you might have.
Hugs its very hard and so stressful but you get tougher and stronger if not youll crack!
Has your late brother's family been in your thoughts more than usual, recently? I ask because twelve years is quite a lengthy adjustment period, so it seems unlikely that you would suddenly be feeling his loss more deeply unless, perhaps, some particular milestone or memory had come to mind.
Handling your mother's outbursts: there are numerous guides to dealing with challenging behaviour. From your description of your mother I would recommend Christine Lawson's book on the Borderline Mother (but then I would! - I've recently discovered it) - there are plenty to choose from for further reading, and meanwhile forum members will have excellent advice based on practical experience.
But aside from that, what respite do you get from your mother? I'm finding out for myself that regular breaks are sanity-savers. I personally get four hours a week, when the lovely Liz comes to sit with my mother; and I'm trying to establish a pattern of a week's residential respite care for her every three months or so. Getting time away, even if it's only so that you can lie down and drum your heels in peace, does seem to be vital.
So, returning to the subject of family, have you perhaps been thinking of building bridges? Does your mother have grandchildren she doesn't know (and would like to, and who would benefit from her attention - goodness it gets complicated!) on your brother's side?
In any case, however, while a rapprochement could DV prove rewarding, I shouldn't count on it for actual, practical support even in the best of circumstances. So I would also be looking for some outside caregiving resources. Start by asking your mother's medical team about what would be both suitable (they'll need to know what they're doing) and available. And affordable, if that's an issue.
The thing is, it's an awful lot easier to handle challenging behaviour in a calm and constructive way when you're not already exhausted and driven to distraction yourself: hence the need for time off. Best of luck, let us know how you're getting on.
The great advice about ignore/walk away is already above. It's incredibly hard to hear the vitriol, at all, when the mother's always been that way and you just wish it would stop. But it won't. Countrymouse, my counselor steered me to that book a few years back, isn't it useful?! Very sad, too. There's no correcting a Borderline. I'm about to start week three not talking to my mother since her last meltdown, and I'm not proud. Have to get back on that horse soon. Someone wrote in a response this week that you're an equal to your mother, boy I'm going to have to try that one, it won't go over well. But I don't use that mindset enough, I still sulk and retort, in my head I still react too much like she is the parent and I'm the kid. You too, Artlaurie? Maybe we need to work and work on not being that in our head? I wish I'd ever had a mother who could just be there for me, but I'm grown and can let that go, she did an excellent job based on her emotional damage and remaining capacity. peace to all, keep up the great work. 😫 😊
Then she saw someone outside and shouted, "My daughter is a b*tch!"
Makes me laugh at it now, but then I was devastated. Now I see it is a mental problem, as it has always been but everyone covered it up.
esp likes to do this while on the 2 hr trips we occ take to see her great grandchildren and of course on days we have shopping to do or just as i pull up to her apartment
any suggestions ??? I have tried to set boundaries about conversations in car but this has never worked
she has done this since I was a child I can remember terrible times in car she would take out on our dad
thanks
Also, do this in your house if that's where the nut job starts: "Get out of my house NOW." I had to get to the point where I repeated this (it's called fogging) AND I also would say, "I don't care." Calling the police when she went off on me and started hitting and kicking didn't help and the police wouldn't come because they don't want to take a 98 year old combative dementia patient into custody. So you are screwed. DO NOT LISTEN. DO NOT GET NEAR HER. When the spitting starts (because she can't reach you to kick you or hit you), remain calm. Say calmly: "Stop spitting. Get out of my house NOW." Death is your only solution. Pray it isn't yours. The split lip in my user photo here was from being punched in the face by my 98 year old MIL. I am SO glad she's dead!
My uncle became very combative a few years into his dementia and the doctor prescribed some sort of sedative. The effects were dramatic which saved my aunt from a life of caregiving h*ll. It's five years later and my uncle is still being cared for by her at home and he seems quite content. He does sleep a lot (12-14 hours a day).
Medication is not just about making things easier for the caregiver it's also about making life better for the patient. In my opinion sleeping half the day is far preferable than being fearful, angry and hostile, he is none of those things now.
After you follow-through a few times with that and she (hopefully) gets the connection and (hopefully) can remember what happens when she acts up, maybe she'll stop? It might be worth a try - particularly on shorter trips out. I'd take her back home and then leave in the car, which highlights that you control the car and she doesn't.
Bless your heart for what you’ve been through already caring for other family members who were terminally ill.
Don’t respond to your mother’s outbursts; just leave the room until she calms down. If financially possible, hire an experienced caretaker to come in and stay with her. They cost around $16/hr, depending on area of the country.
I know this is going to get worse and she will not be able to be alone for this long so im getting my breaks while i can. she isnt really bothered that i go off during the day but if i want to go out at night she throws "huge" tantrums and i will just go and text brother to stay yes i am kinds lucky to have a brother down the road but hes clever he arrives at 11pm mums in bed by midnight then he gets her up and hes gone by 9am. Yes hes got it sussed he stayed here last night OH dear he looked a bit stressed today?? poor baby (golden boy).
Someone once said on here "treat this caring like a business, a job" yes routine timeout and take as many breaks as you can now while we still can!
My poor mum she wants to work it that SIL gets nothing when shes gone but i try and tell her to let it go hes married her and yes i wouldnt be surprised if she left my brother and took half his inheritence but thats his problem shes a golddigging )*£"))"£! And god no! do not let your SIL near your mums house who the h*ll does she think she is? a nurse? so what most nurses ive met told me to leave mum that THEY couldnt do what i do?? LOL
Funny you posted this today. I was just at a workshop for caregivers. I would suggest that you find a respite service to give you a break. From what you said, I see that you have been caring for a lot of people in your family. There are local organizations in your community that can assist you with different forms of help. It sounds like you're overwhelmed, and that isn't good for you, your parent, your family (if you are married or have children), or even for your work. Ask for help! That's what it's there for. Good luck.