She is 93 with moderate dementia. She has always been this way coming back from childhood, her way of control, this I am aware of and not wanting to give into that control. It is quite difficult that now I am the sole caregiver for her, my brother, the other sibling, died twelve years ago with cancer and his family is very distant with us. So it is hard to be doing this alone after thirty years, caring for my father who died of cancer in 1987, my elderly grandmother who died in 1997, my brother who died in 2002 and now my mother. I would appreciate any advice or input you might have.
This is undermining your ability to put away for your own needs and future, and you are not required to do this. The more you do, the more you'll have to do.
I think an indentured servant would have paid for freedom in less than 20 years at modern day rates!
It's time to reassess:
==Did you sign up to take care of her to the end of her days or just until she could be better? Either way, it's time to put the next level plan in place.
==What's a next level plan? It's the plan that will assure both you & husband plus cousin-in-law (CIL?) a peaceful, secure future. Farming this way can make things pretty complicated.
I STRONGLY encourage you to go to an estate planning attorney with farm experience ASAP, to make sure YOUR interests are looked out for. Nobody else will look out for them, I promise.
Even if CIL has a will giving you everything, there's a lot that can take place between signing a will and it being enforceable that affects real property and other assets & investments. Especially if one party becomes incompetent for any reason. This limbo-time can be a super rude surprise to a lot of people as they watch things slip away that were "supposed to be ours" but were never legally taken care of.
Step one is figuring out your current and future legal situation. This will define if or how you can even proceed.
==If neither of you are her durable power of attorney, you have no legal standing in this situation, you actually can't perform the duties of a legal caretaker for her financial or medical decisions while she is alive. The bank and insurance or doctor can't talk to you. You can't sign anything for her. You can't do any financial transactions for her. The farm decisions are something else. Be careful what you ask for if you really don't want to have this burden.
==If either of you are her "attorney in fact" (the durable POA holder), then you have the ability to make sane decisions about her care and keeping mostly regardless of what she says. It depends on what kind of POA stipulations exist. The point of DPOA is to obtain medical care, help, and protect her from herself and others who would take advantage of her person and money.
==If you guys are farming for her, I surely hope there's an agreement in place that specifies what your takings are vs. hers if you aren't part owners. If not, and you plan to stay because it's your livlihood, you will definitely need something to protect your ability to live there and make money if she needs to go on Medicaid in the future. Medicaid provisions only cover spouses and disabled children who live in the home. You will have to research your state's rules about how Medicaid would affect full time farm caretakers who are not legal employees or part owners or something like that.
Medicaid looks back 5 years to find assets that can be sold or used to pay for care, and it's no longer possible to just gift away money & property to hide it.
Good luck and please let us know how it's going!
It does help to see that a lot of this is dementia of some kind, but I guess I haven't forgiven her from all the abuse of the past and it just makes me more determined to find ways of NOT being there. I have a wealthy brother who does NOTHING. My sister is handicapped and is unable to do anything, and Mom is single. I am like a lot of you: can't leave them in conscious but can't stand their company either.
Some days I think that I've done enough and to H*ll with her but not quite ready to do that either. 85% there. though. Why should I be the one to take this crap?
I stopped taking her out in public completely. Not even for lunch or a haircut. The unpredictability was too much for me. The stress was too great. The whole day it took was too great. I opted out. Every trip we took before I stopped was a travesty. A scene, a public show on her part.
She missed all the holidays, by her choice. We all dressed up and showed up for the xmas party at her residence, and she had refused to bathe, dress, or come out for it. She missed a heck of a spread, but whatever. They were even doing free family pictures by the great big tree. We ate & left. We had a good time.
Recently, she had an epic psychological break, raging for over 24 hours straight. It took several large men, restraints and a big injection of sedative to stop it, plus 5 days in a locked psych unit. Now she's on big anti-psychotic meds and is tame. But I would never take her out.
She hasn't been out for any kind of off-site trip since probably November 2013. And that's the way it is. This isn't my idea of utopia either, but it is just not worth the agony of trying to include her or take her out for diversions. That time has passed.
After she was done ranting about it I said, "I guess someone has to start a new magazine, The OLD New Yorker."
She didn't seem to get the joke. Good thing I laugh at my own remarks, if I can get them in sideways.
Funny you posted this today. I was just at a workshop for caregivers. I would suggest that you find a respite service to give you a break. From what you said, I see that you have been caring for a lot of people in your family. There are local organizations in your community that can assist you with different forms of help. It sounds like you're overwhelmed, and that isn't good for you, your parent, your family (if you are married or have children), or even for your work. Ask for help! That's what it's there for. Good luck.
My poor mum she wants to work it that SIL gets nothing when shes gone but i try and tell her to let it go hes married her and yes i wouldnt be surprised if she left my brother and took half his inheritence but thats his problem shes a golddigging )*£"))"£! And god no! do not let your SIL near your mums house who the h*ll does she think she is? a nurse? so what most nurses ive met told me to leave mum that THEY couldnt do what i do?? LOL
I know this is going to get worse and she will not be able to be alone for this long so im getting my breaks while i can. she isnt really bothered that i go off during the day but if i want to go out at night she throws "huge" tantrums and i will just go and text brother to stay yes i am kinds lucky to have a brother down the road but hes clever he arrives at 11pm mums in bed by midnight then he gets her up and hes gone by 9am. Yes hes got it sussed he stayed here last night OH dear he looked a bit stressed today?? poor baby (golden boy).
Someone once said on here "treat this caring like a business, a job" yes routine timeout and take as many breaks as you can now while we still can!
Bless your heart for what you’ve been through already caring for other family members who were terminally ill.
Don’t respond to your mother’s outbursts; just leave the room until she calms down. If financially possible, hire an experienced caretaker to come in and stay with her. They cost around $16/hr, depending on area of the country.
After you follow-through a few times with that and she (hopefully) gets the connection and (hopefully) can remember what happens when she acts up, maybe she'll stop? It might be worth a try - particularly on shorter trips out. I'd take her back home and then leave in the car, which highlights that you control the car and she doesn't.