My mother's dementia began 5 yrs ago but was only dx this year, bc she refused to see a doctor. She's still in denial. We were always close but she suddenly turned on me. She accused me of all the things she was doing, said I was a liar. I lost my only sibling, my brother to suicide 2 years ago. I live 550 miles away from her. She's in assisted living. Since my brother's death, she's left with no family to take care of her, so my sister inlaw went behind my back and made arrangements to put my mother in assisted living, then got her to sign a POA naming my sister inlaw to make all decisions for her, even financial. My mother hat repeatedly said she will never give my sister inlaw that kind of control, however she has. Look I've called and asked mother what she had for lunch or dinner within 30min to an hour after and she doesn't remember. She gets extremely confused and couldn't remember her address and phone # last year!
I and my daughter surprised mother before Mother's Day to bring her home with us for a visit. After we arrived, my sister inlaw showed up angry that we were there because she was taking my mother to an attorney to get her to sign a POA! Mother had no idea where she was going and had no knowledge of what she was going to sign. I explained what the POA meant and she was very upset. She kept saying she wanted me to take care of those important matters because I was her daughter. She adamantly expressed this to my sister inlaw.
We we got to my home, my daughters and I were very concerned that my sister inlaw was trying to take advantage of mother. I called an attorney and told him what had happened and he met with me and said I needed to file for guardianship to protect mother. You must notify any next of kin, she had a bro and niece, both who lived in the same state, both in bad health and neither able or willing to take care of mother. I had been trying for 2 years to persuade mother to come live with me or just look at facilities near me, which are much nicer, have more people and entertainment for her plus memory care. She refused to leave her hometown. I did file for guardianship while she was at my home, not knowing if I needed to keep her with me because I had seen that her condition had deteriorated. I did everything legally, she would have her chance to talk to a judge and he would determine her competency. Whether she remained with me or not, no one would have been able to take advantage of her. When her bro and niece were notified by court of my filing fir guardianship, they called her, upset her, but they weren't willing to help me. She insisted on going home immediately and we would need to make arrangements. She called several people, I know she talked to my sister inlaw in addition to her bro and niece. Someone was so mean and vindictive that they told my mother I had abducted her and was not going to let her go home! Before I could get into court she had my sister inlaw, if all people coming to get her. Legally I couldn't stop her and anyway, I didn't want her upset any more. The next thing I know, my sister inlaw is arranging an estate sale of everything left in my mother's home, all had been left to me, and my daughter's and I were to move this fall. I was never called or consulted about anything. I learned that my mother had signed a contract, I explained that she shouldn't be signing anything, then I was told it didn't matter bc my sister inlaw was handling everything and she had POA! I knew if other things that my sister inlaw had done, one was keeping my mothers house bc we put it in my brother's name to remove my mother's name from the deed, never suspecting my bro would commit suicide and die. My sister inlaw was aware that my bro and I agreed to sell the house to use the money to take care of mother and anything left we would split. After my bro died, my sister inlaw brought my mother the property taxes and insurance bill and told her that the bills were HERS and they were for HER HOUSE. So my mother has paid those bills all the time thinking that her house still belonged to her. I have cried and pleaded with mother trying to make her understand that it isn't her house. Mother keeps insisting that my sister inlaw has been good to her. I have even reported this to Elder Abuse in the state, they investigated and informed me that my mother said she knew everything she had signed and it was all her decisions. My mother refuses to admit there is anything wrong with her. Anyone but me can talk her into anything, she's very gullible now. I spent all my $ trying to get the guardianship and now I have no funds to hire an attorney. Anytime I try to discuss this with mother, im yelled at and called a liar. She's even called just to be mean to me, then hangs up on me. I have already had an emotional breakdown and have been hospitalized twice because I can't handle it anymore. Yet I miss her and am unable now to even talk to her bc of the abuse. She isn't aware of what she did.
Look, go to court and get a guardianship for your parent, while they are mentally competent...the guardianship can be stated that it does not go
into effect until that patent becomes incompetent. You c
1. The person can be in a care facility, or living at their own house with help, and someone else has guardianship; not necessary to live in house with guardian, but easier, for paperwork. IF you have a valid, legal guardianship, it's not a problem to have the elder under your roof, if you want...BUT if SIL holds POA for all Mom's affairs, it could be a _huge and complicated liability_ for you to have Mom live under your roof!
2. APS needed to see the Doctor's records stating Mom incompetent, the date, and the Diagnosis....if they'd seen that before they talked with your Mom, they'd have had a heads-up, and probably would not have said that.
Doctors and lawyers failing to record/acknowledge incompetency, have caused billions of dollars of estate messes!
3. County records should show who pays the taxes. Mom paying tax on Brother's property, could open more can of worms.
===IF someone tries to get a POA or guardianship, AFTER the elder has been pronounced incompetent, it requires some legal proceedings to change those.
IF they try to usurp a standing guardianship or POA, _after_ someone already has a valid one of those, it requires legal proceedings to do it, unless they pull shady dealings with new lawyer.
A lawyer KNOWINGLY re-doing someone's estate plans _after_ the person is declared incompetent, has done something illegal...but plenty do it anyway. Countless elders have been led to a new lawyer, by relative or friend wanting control of the elder's estate, to new, "unsuspecting" lawyers, and made out entirely different wills...then legally registered the new documents....which supersede old ones....even though the person is incompetent. That requires much costly work to fix.
Families drag their feet at getting the elder declared incompetent, saying "Mom refuses to see a Doctor", or, "don't want to upset her", etc. excuses. Usually bad when those caring for an elder, fail to get that declaration--because it invariably screws things up!
Basics:
===IF Mom signed someone to be guardian, _before_ diagnoses incompetent, that guardianship or POA is legal, unless other issues cloud it.
Anyone trying to take that away from the designated person, would have to go through legal proceedings to prove the named person unfit; it must be darn good reasons [not simply that you are her daughter, and the person holding the guardianship or POA isn't].
===IF SIL got POA _after_ a Doc diagnosed incompetence, that POA is most probably illegal/invalid....because no one can say she's competent for signing legal documents, once she'd already been diagnosed incompetent.
The lawyer who writes the new POA or guardianship, might try to say he didn't know she'd been declared..and might get away with it.
At that point, it's a matter of spending money and time to overturn the invalid POA/guardianship...but since she's already been declared incompetent, it takes more legal proceedings to fix it, as far as I know. Can take years, and lots of money.
Sometimes, families just end up shafted by the new documents/usurpers.
One G'ma had set her legal paperwork up, far ahead of her incompetency.
However, her jealous bro.in law, led her by the hand, before she got diagnosed [but should have been, because she was clearly incompetent!], did an entirely new will giving everything to him, and the crook lawyer as her Executor.
Her BIL [himself dying of cancer] had crook lawyer insert a codicil threatening to gift the entire estate to the Boy Scouts of America, if anyone hinted anything was wrong with the documents he'd set up.
Gma, at the time he took her to the new lawyer, was CLEARLY unable to reason, much less communicate well [blind, deaf, incoherent by then to all observing].
Got away with it, because Gma had Not been diagnosed as "incompetent" by any of her Docs at the time.
They clearly STOLE her substantial estate. BIL magnanimously set up a monthly small stipend for Dad; after he died, Mom got bit larger amount [but not much]
...then arbitrarily set a cut-off date, after which stipend stopped.
Remaining balance went to BIL's heirs, or Boy Scouts!
Her home and contents were auctioned off.
NOTHING allowed to family, despite G'ma having written labels and stuck them to backs of furniture, designating who was supposed to get each piece.
NOTHING in new set-up, resembled what Gma had often stated as her desires, and set up herself.
That new crooked lawyer collected "plum" estates to manage, like G'ma's, because that was a steady income for him. When the old crook died, he left all the plum estates to his lawyer son, who continued that tradition.
Best Mom could do, after _YEARS_ of trying to get back control of the estate, got Executorship changed from that crook, to herself.
But there was no way for her to change the new will; it was lost.
Be careful.
Hope things go well for you!
Is you mom still in assisted living - this may be the best place for her. Believe me if you are stressed out now, you will be incredibly stressed taking care of someone with dementia. Its not an easy job.
POA can be revoked at any time. I would suggest to trying to rebuild you relationship with your mom. Make your visits pleasant, don't argue with her. Stop trying to prove a point - your mom doesn't have the logic or reasoning skills any more. Maybe eventually you can get POA or maybe a court appointed guardian would be best.
Who is paying for Assisted Living?
If you were awarded guardianship of your mother, would you move her to a place near you? Would this be the best thing for her, in your opinion? This is such a bad situation that it is hard to know what to do except to take care of yourself. Things will work out. Your SIL lives closer to your mother, so probably has had much influence in her thinking. Do you think your SIL plans to damage your mother in some way? Or do you think she would be a responsible POA? Sometimes communications are poor between family members. Since you did not pick things up from the house right away, perhaps she though you did not want them. What did she do (or what does she plan to do) with the proceeds of the estate sale?
I get the feeling that communication has not been good between family members. Your mother has dementia, so wouldn't be good at bringing people together in sharing communication. 550 miles can seem like a world away when it comes to elder care.
You take care of yourself first, get well. Let the court handle the rest.