I'm trying to get my mom out of the house since she only leaves the house for doctor visits. She has let her appearance go and I thought taking her to the hair salon for a cut and color every once in awhile would brighten her mood. Unfortunately, 2 times she has had loud, angry outbursts and lashes out at me all the way there or at the salon in front of people. This time it was because she couldn't figure out how to write a check.I offered to finish it for her but every 2 seconds she was fiddling with the checkbook asking where the check was until she got very very agitated about the tip for some reason and started yelling loudly about it in the salon.
Her hairdresser, bless this angel, saw what was happening and showed my mother the money for the tip and said, "thank you for the tip. See, I'm putting in my pocket now." That seemed to settle my mother down a little but she was very wound up over the check and tip issue. Then she wet her pants. Thankfully we had made sure she was wearing Depends.
Is it too much to take her to the salon? I'm sure I could find someone to come to the house but the point was to get her out of the house. She is content to sleep til past noon, stare at the walls, eat and go back to sleep again. big sigh.
Any advice?
I have my mom either write the check at home (I supervise) for the hairdresser or I discreetly hand her cash to pay for her purchases out of HER purse that I always offer to carry for her ( she a bit unsteady and needs my arm).
If she has a tantrum I ignore it as I would a child's.I think you'll find most people she will interact with understand what she and you are up against so don't worry it.
Getting her out of the house is good.
My excuse: It saves her time
we had fun. next day he had forgotten it. that's okay. it is a brand new kind of outting and experience every time we go.
"please understand I can learn, but slowly. Thanks for your patience, I don't intend to cause difficulty."
Otherwise, though valuable, that button might trigger long conversations between adults or caregivers on the nature of Autism - which adds a distraction and impediment to the already triggered setting, which might help the "patient" better by keeping a to focus on the goals in the event. I learned to be alert myself to others reactions, and often a non verbal signal, a wry smile, lipped version of "sorry", is enough to help bystanders recognize that you are struggling to help someone participate, who has me hidden difficulty in doing so.
My grandson is Autistic and my son says they go through something similar, because he loves to talk to people, but it often comes out as jabbering. My grandson is 7, too old to be jabbering, so people know something is wrong. Sometimes it makes people uncomfortable, which makes my son uncomfortable. But then it wouldn't be right for him to constantly be explaining in front of his son. As a kid, my grandson doesn't need hear that over and over. I'm sure people are uncomfortable, because they have no idea of what to say. So the cards might work here too. The card could give them ideas about how to respond, i.e. if he always walks up to people with bikes, the card might say he has autism and he likes mountain biking, or other typical situations.
Overall, I think people are getting more understanding about these types of things, because we don't keep people with disabilities and illness locked away anymore. The more we go out and talk openly, the more comfortable people will be. We can teach and be examples for when their turn comes, because it will come.
Bottomline, don't worry what other people think when Mom has an outburst or your husband can't cut his food (my situation). If they don't understand that is their problem or their lack of understanding. But also, don't make things hard on yourself. Keep outings at their pace and ability, slow and simple, AND stay home, when it gets to be too much. This is a marathon, not a race. Breathe and pace yourself!
prtysmrt1 - My mom is very hateful and controlling despite the fact she is in a 24/7 care unit for dementia sufferers. I just back off. Back away. Stop helping. Stop whatever it is you are doing. Say you are sorry - even if you didn't do anything. Look on Youtube for Teepa Snow's video called Phrases every caregiver should know. Depending on what the thing is your mom needs help with determines the approach. You kind of have to read them like a map to understand if or how they might take help. They might need the most help and still have a sense of "I'm in charge here missy". You have to honor that sensibility even if they are no way in charge of anything. Kind of like how I am learning to approach my teenagers! "Do you need help?" or "Can I help you with ___?" or "Do you want me to do ____?"
Teepa Snow also has some videos demonstrating how to help the person from behind, with their own hand. It's genius. To the help receiver, it for all intents & purposes seems like they are doing xyz on their own, but you are guiding and assisting. It's great. It's in one of the videos on "Making visits valuable".
Nastiness and outbursts can also come from other sources you might not expect. E.g. UTIs, pain, frustration, tiredness, things they can't articulate anymore. You really have to troubleshoot one thing at a time.
There are a lot of helpful articles on this site about dealing with ugly or negative behaviors and outbursts. They really helped me depersonalize what mom does to me and in front of others, which helps me keep my cool.