My mom is 81, living with me and has dementia. She feels like we boss her around all the time but it's only that we're trying to help her with the things she can't do anymore. She was very independent. Now when she has an appointment, she just seems to dig her heels in and get stubborn. Everyone knows you need to be on time for appointments whether it be doctor appointments, hair appointments or church. She doesn't understand and just thinks we're bossing her around and ends up getting very hateful.
Any words of wisdom?
I just tell mom we're going to run errands and don't mention the doctor. When we get there I just say we're going to stop in for a second while we're here. I also try to do something a little fun while we're out. Either visit with a friend or relative, or eat lunch, or a trip through Dairy Queen drive through for a cone. (On the way home, because it will drip on her) But I don't bother her with the details because she will argue with me and deny the need for an appointment.
You know what, if she's in her gown when you need to leave, put a duster over her gown and go. The doctor needs to see her as she is. Make sure, too, that you are not insisting on a daily shower before dressing. Sometimes, rather than go through all that, they will find it easier to just not get dressed at all.
I've seen these kinds of "dig in the heels" attitudes as well.
Can you think of ways to sugar coat the trips, as Pam suggested with outings before, or even afterward? Expand the needed appointments to include a pleasurable activity.
We now stop at man caves, Dairy Queen, or something pleasant after boring medical appointments. So we can look forward to a treat once the ordeal is over with. It helps both of us relax.
Another tactic is to wait until the appointments are off the schedule and have a heart to heart talk with your mother, explaining that you understand how difficult it is for her and you really don't like to have to control her schedule or boss her around. Ask what you can do to help her, but be prepared for no response as she eventually thinks over the situation.
I think the primary goal is to come to an acknowledgement and meeting of the minds that she needs your help and you want to provide it but want to respect her independence, and preserve as much as you can of it, in doing so.