Hello, a while back I was on here and I wrote in that my 95 year old MIL came to live with us after breaking her hip. She has recovered and now we have a new issue... temper tantrums - or my husband refers to them as going on strike...I will briefly explain what happened, which appears to be a cycle.
So we discovered she likes these chocolate rice cakes we recently bought. She asked my husband for one and he put it on her TV tray. By the time she got to the TV tray, our new puppy beat her to it. (MIL is very slow and puppy is lightning fast lol.) Yes, that's bad and yes, my little Lola got scolded, but it's not the end of the world right? We had plenty of rice cakes. Well, that sent her off into a tantrum about how we don't respect her, we respect the dogs more, how my husband ruined her life (by making her come live with us), and she went on and on about what all he/we do. Then she went to bed at about 5:00 and stayed in there until the next afternoon and during this time, she refuses food. Then when she's finished, she acts as if nothing ever happened, that she did not hurl a bunch of insults at us.
When she has these tantrums, she doesn't eat, and as a result, makes herself feel dizzy. Next thing my husband is in there, spoon feeding her something and babying her. One time she suckered me and I babied her too. I felt bad and after all, my logical side knows she's 95. Of course after the babying, she miraculously felt fine. Maybe she is jealous of our dogs because they do get a lot of love.
Well, it's starting to get to me! Like right now she and my husband are watching TV and she's acting like nothing happened. Just last night she was hurling insults at us and complaining. And just for the record, my husband has 4 sisters who do not help at all and she knows this. We have a nice house and she has her own room with a private bathroom. We always treat her with kindness and respect.
He thinks we should just let her have her tantrum and let her be. He doesn't even want to argue back or say anything - although out of anger, he did tell her to call one of her daughters to come pick her up if she was so miserable at our house, knowing that would never happen. It also hurts my feelings that she does this because we have tried very hard to make her happy and comfortable here.
I don't know what to do about all this. I'm finding that I don't really enjoy being around her. I would never, ever be mean to her, but I don't exactly want to sit down and watch TV with her either. Then I feel guilty!
She does not have alzheimer's or dementia. It's just the way she is. She is also a VERY big gossip and not only does she gossip, but she changes the "news" and repeats it wrong to other people. This of course gets everyone in the family upset. That's not an old age thing though, that's her personality.
Is this normal behavior from someone her age? I can see why none of her daughters want to deal with her, but the problem is the one person (her son) who has cared for her the last 25 years, she acts awful to him. (She came here from another country about 25 years ago and he has been the one to do everything for her in that time.) She is very unappreciative of everything. She's the type who doesn't like any gift you give her.
She isn't throwing a tantrum, she is is being manipulative. She thinks her locking herself in her room is punishing you. Then she pulls the "I won't eat and then they'll be sorry!" tactic. And she knows this will get her the babying and attention she wants. She isn't going to stop this behavior because it's working out great for her!
She wants to be in charge because she is the Mother. Doesn't matter how old her son is. Doesn't matter if it's your house. Doesn't matter if son is married. If she is not given the 24/7 love and attention she feels she is owed, she will keep pulling these stunts.
Next time she pulls her "I won't eat" BS, tell her you will call 911 any time she is dizzy or weak. And actually follow through on it. It may take just one ER visit to change her tune!
Remind her that if she feels so unloved and neglected in your home, that she has options: assisted living or one of the daughters.
But since the daughters want little to do with her, I'm thinking she sees her son as the Golden Boy. She has narcissistic traits of wanting everything to be all about her, all the time. Such mothers tend to dote on their sons and be more harsh on their daughters. These mothers see their daughters as competition. Then they can't understand why their daughters don't fall all over themselves to take care of mother in her old age.
I think you are more aggravated about this situation than you're letting on. I would be going nuts! Unfortunately your husband keeps playing into her manipulation and it doesn't sound like this will stop.
My MIL has pulled these stunts every single time she comes to our home for extended visits (thankfully does not live with us). My husband and I stand firm in presenting a united front, just as we did when our children were small and threw tantrums. She doesn't want to eat "that slop"? Fine, make yourself a sandwich. Don't want to drink anything? Fine, when you become dehydrated you'll have to go to the ER (this one really gets her because she would have to spend money - granted, not a large sum, but the woman is beyond cheap!)
Old age, and not being diagnosed with dementia, etc., does not give my 97 year old MIL the right to rule my home. Your MIL should not be allowed the rule your home, either. Best wishes to you. It's not easy walking this balance beam, is it?!
She is acting like a child, treat her like a child. Missing a meal or to won't kill her. (Hopefully) Like a child, when she is hungry she will eat. U already said she takes her little snacks when she goes to her room. Ignore it. She is trying to get attention, don't give it to her.
If you don't want to sit and watch TV with her don't. She is your husbands mother. Your with her all day, nighttime is his time.
I can't remember which member it is, but she laughs off her LOs antics. I think thats the best way to deal with people like ur MIL. If she is disrespectful to you, do not allow that. Your home, your rules.
Walk away and completely ignore her until she's ready to apologize or you are ready to speak to her. One or the other.
Your MIL behaves abusively to you and your husband because you are safe targets. Stop being safe targets for her. Tell her to shut the hell up and nobody cares what she thinks. Dementia or not NO ONE has to tolerate and live in abuse. You don't have to either.
She says your husband ruined her life by moving her into your good home? Well tell her that you'd be more than happy to drop her miserable a$$ off in a hospital ER and let them find a nursing home to place her in.
That should shut her up. In the meantime start looking at nursing homes, assisted living facilities, and senior communities for her to me moved to.
Make a promise to yourselves that she will be moved out of your home by a certaon date. Then make it happen.
Your cost is for bum wipes, caregiver hourly pay $25 min four hours / day or greater, diapers, food and prep.
My wife went thru all of this.
Tantrums may be due to inflammation of the brain?
Leaky gut: bad bacteria leaking through the colon into the blood stream and carried to the brain.
look it up on YouTube to understand, then call her Dr.
They can do scans.
Fill out a Durable Power of Attorney for her healthcare permissions while she’s still cognizant. A close family member must be able to make decisions for her, when necessary.
Similar for financial decisions, her home sale if deemed necessary.
I’ve been there, done that, put everything of any value into a living trust TO AVOID PROBATE COSTS, huge lawyer fees, expenses and two year wait while the court decides!
My wife just passed four months ago. Don’t procrastinate.
This is a problem of you and your husband. You need now to sit together and decide what you want your relationship to be. Is this a marriage of the two of you, or is this three? Are there no boundaries set in which you and your husband have privacy or expectations of same?
You and hubby should likely see a counselor together to come up with the expectations. At this rate of living off the family one at a time MIL will outlast every one of you.
I myself would be gone already, into my own apartment. I cannot imagine what led you and your husband to invite this woman into your lives, but were I to be told by her that I loved the puppy better I would instantly tell her "Oh, you BETCHA".
You asked your MIL to live with you. And now there she is.
You apparently set no limits on this.
She gets mail there. She is a tenant whether she pays rent or not.
This is where she lives.
Now it is up to you and husband to get together and discuss your own expectations for your home, your marriage, your lives together. If he were to say MIL stays, then I would be gone. Division of assets could begin tomorrow.
Up to you. Your choice for your life. You have already made a whole LOT of decisions with very little thought or planning, and you just told us where THAT has got you. So time to do it differently now.
If you wish to. For myself I would already have my bags packs and the Lyft called.
I think we just felt like it was the right thing to do. Up until she broke her hip, she had her own apartment, but there is no way she could live on her own. She can go to the bathroom herself, get a drink of water, grab some snacks that are finger foods - no actual food preparation, and that's about it. We didn't know what else to do with her. Even though she is unpleasant, nothing is wrong with her mind, considering... we think an assisted living place would kill her for sure. That's the other thing, I know this is morbid, but it can't be for much longer - she's 95!
Hubby needs to stop coddling her immediately, and send her off to her room like a toddler the next time she has a tantrum, like Margaret said, with a water bottle and a pack of cookies, and let her alone to calm down. While you get busy with compiling the brochures for Assisted Living Facilities.
You're being held hostage in your own home by a geriatric baby who wants everything to be Her Way or the Highway. It's time to show her the front door.
And yes, my husband has told her to call her daughter to come get her, but well, she's still here... Since she has moved in with us, only her grand children have come to visit her, but none of her other children. It's really sad.
In the midst of one of my mom's tantrums one time I threw a tantrum right back at her. It worked. I also imitated my grandmother's voice while I threw my tantrum. Since my mother sometimes calls me by my dad's name ( that's a whole different issue) during my tantrum I also imitated my dad's voice and used one of his phrases. I ended it by walking out of the room and flopping down on the couch. My mom dried up her tears and stopped throwing her tantrum. Maybe try something like that.
She will get the message that this behavior will not work and most likely move onto another tactic.
Her general attitude seems to be that of entitlement, her daughters have opted out for a reason.
Has any consideration been given to placing her in AL? She will be around people her own age and not be the "Queen" of the home, she will be one of the residents and subject to their rules, not hers.
She is playing you, keep in mind guilt is a self-imposed emotion driven by fear, you are doing that to yourself, she is just the messenger.
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