Hello, a while back I was on here and I wrote in that my 95 year old MIL came to live with us after breaking her hip. She has recovered and now we have a new issue... temper tantrums - or my husband refers to them as going on strike...I will briefly explain what happened, which appears to be a cycle.
So we discovered she likes these chocolate rice cakes we recently bought. She asked my husband for one and he put it on her TV tray. By the time she got to the TV tray, our new puppy beat her to it. (MIL is very slow and puppy is lightning fast lol.) Yes, that's bad and yes, my little Lola got scolded, but it's not the end of the world right? We had plenty of rice cakes. Well, that sent her off into a tantrum about how we don't respect her, we respect the dogs more, how my husband ruined her life (by making her come live with us), and she went on and on about what all he/we do. Then she went to bed at about 5:00 and stayed in there until the next afternoon and during this time, she refuses food. Then when she's finished, she acts as if nothing ever happened, that she did not hurl a bunch of insults at us.
When she has these tantrums, she doesn't eat, and as a result, makes herself feel dizzy. Next thing my husband is in there, spoon feeding her something and babying her. One time she suckered me and I babied her too. I felt bad and after all, my logical side knows she's 95. Of course after the babying, she miraculously felt fine. Maybe she is jealous of our dogs because they do get a lot of love.
Well, it's starting to get to me! Like right now she and my husband are watching TV and she's acting like nothing happened. Just last night she was hurling insults at us and complaining. And just for the record, my husband has 4 sisters who do not help at all and she knows this. We have a nice house and she has her own room with a private bathroom. We always treat her with kindness and respect.
He thinks we should just let her have her tantrum and let her be. He doesn't even want to argue back or say anything - although out of anger, he did tell her to call one of her daughters to come pick her up if she was so miserable at our house, knowing that would never happen. It also hurts my feelings that she does this because we have tried very hard to make her happy and comfortable here.
I don't know what to do about all this. I'm finding that I don't really enjoy being around her. I would never, ever be mean to her, but I don't exactly want to sit down and watch TV with her either. Then I feel guilty!
She does not have alzheimer's or dementia. It's just the way she is. She is also a VERY big gossip and not only does she gossip, but she changes the "news" and repeats it wrong to other people. This of course gets everyone in the family upset. That's not an old age thing though, that's her personality.
Is this normal behavior from someone her age? I can see why none of her daughters want to deal with her, but the problem is the one person (her son) who has cared for her the last 25 years, she acts awful to him. (She came here from another country about 25 years ago and he has been the one to do everything for her in that time.) She is very unappreciative of everything. She's the type who doesn't like any gift you give her.
She has a self-contained bedroom and bathroom. Next time she has the tantrum, stand her up, one of you on each side, and march her into her bedroom. Say that you will come when she calms down and stops the behavior. Just leave her there. Spill proof water bottle and a packet of biscuits, if you are really worried about her going hungry and thirsty.
If you reckon she will come straight out, put a cup hook on the outside of her door, up high. Tell her to knock when she’s ready. You might add when she provides an apology, but that might be pushing it.
Even trying it once might give you some information about how intentional all this is.
If your best friend wrote this, what would you think?
You already know her behavior is wrong, given the logical questions you're posting. Time to step back, take care of yourselves and not be part of her toxic drama.
Why on earth is it ok for her to treat you like this? It is not normal or nice, no need to be a part of it anymore.
You have indicated that what you have been doing when dealing with her current pattern has made you uncomfortable, so it may be a good time to try something else.
Find a specialist, may be a psychiatrist, psychologist, neurologist with geriatric training, and find out more precisely what you are dealing with.
She may benefit from a mild dose of medication, some different management techniques or some other specific recommendations from the specialist.
You will lose nothing by finding out more about what is causing this and you may be relieved of your own reservations about whether you’re doing the best for her, or not.
How she “acts” or what she says, are really not huge issues, if you realize that at her age, her “filters” are probably weakening. You can battle with her, but don’t expect a positive reaction.
This is a problem of you and your husband. You need now to sit together and decide what you want your relationship to be. Is this a marriage of the two of you, or is this three? Are there no boundaries set in which you and your husband have privacy or expectations of same?
You and hubby should likely see a counselor together to come up with the expectations. At this rate of living off the family one at a time MIL will outlast every one of you.
I myself would be gone already, into my own apartment. I cannot imagine what led you and your husband to invite this woman into your lives, but were I to be told by her that I loved the puppy better I would instantly tell her "Oh, you BETCHA".
You asked your MIL to live with you. And now there she is.
You apparently set no limits on this.
She gets mail there. She is a tenant whether she pays rent or not.
This is where she lives.
Now it is up to you and husband to get together and discuss your own expectations for your home, your marriage, your lives together. If he were to say MIL stays, then I would be gone. Division of assets could begin tomorrow.
Up to you. Your choice for your life. You have already made a whole LOT of decisions with very little thought or planning, and you just told us where THAT has got you. So time to do it differently now.
If you wish to. For myself I would already have my bags packs and the Lyft called.
I think we just felt like it was the right thing to do. Up until she broke her hip, she had her own apartment, but there is no way she could live on her own. She can go to the bathroom herself, get a drink of water, grab some snacks that are finger foods - no actual food preparation, and that's about it. We didn't know what else to do with her. Even though she is unpleasant, nothing is wrong with her mind, considering... we think an assisted living place would kill her for sure. That's the other thing, I know this is morbid, but it can't be for much longer - she's 95!