Has anyone here had to hire a lawyer just to get angry siblings to stop harassing you?

Is your mother " alert and oriented", cognitively appropriate to make her own wishes, decisions known? If so, your mother , as the patient, should be ' calling all the shots still about her care, and, who comes to see her and when etc. Has there been a family meeting with her physician about making clear what her " care needs " exactly are?
Has a POA been established? Does your mother have a pastor/ church affiliation? Pastoral support with her and perhaps a family meeting may often be a valuable help with sorting out everyone's grief and concerns .
A social worker may also be helpful with these family dynamics and keeping patient ( your mother) rights and needs as well as all family members rights and needs met. All of the above are important and may avoid escalating the dynamics to a lawyer/ legal means.
Keep communication open with family and especially your dear mother. Adult family members need to all make every effort not to add increased anxiety on the patient who is already ill and aging. Having a
" family meeting " with an appropriate mediator such as family or patients faith leader/ pastor, or a community Chaplain and or a social worker present may be a good step to consider and offer.
Prayers for all of you at this time of change . Change especially change prompted by loved ones or personal illness causes grief ....grief causes anger, denial, bargaining, guilt and a long list of other human emotions which always are in the midst of all of this.
Perhaps your sisters are in denial about your mother's true needs, perhaps their is some guilt in the mix of this scenario, perhaps everyone in some way is fearful of what's to come. All of this is normal but all of this needs support from caring professionals such as clergy, chaplains, social workers, your mother's physician and/ or others .
Prayers for all......
Remember " blessed are the peacemakers"....

In my family one sibling decided he "deserved" to have everything my parents had accumulated and became vehemently opposed spending any of that money on their care. He also enjoyed undo influence over my father with vascular dementia (who wanted to make my older brother the "boss" over my mother) and supported OB in harassing my mother. In her 80s my mothers health began to fail under the pressure of caretaking for my father and the harrassment she recieved daily from my brother. I went to court and gained guardianship of my father and placed him in memory care against his wishes while our mother came to live with me. OB also called and emailed and showed up in person to threaten and haress me and my mother. I ended the in person appearances by calling law enforcement. I eventually reduced the calls and email by threatening his access to our father. If you don't give the MC attendants problems and you act halfway decent then you can continue to see Dad in MC. If you don't act like a grownup, then you cannot visit Dad and make his life worse. Your family dynamic is different but I can offer a few suggestions.
1. Stop direct communications. Conversations led to arguments and more hard feelings. I set my phone to send all his calls to vm. I listened, gave myself time to get over inflammatory comments, and responded by a text or an email to the actual facts communicated.
2. Do not cut communications. When you cut comminications the opposing side will usually start to get other people involved in trying to communicate with you. Those communications will be even more upsetting for you. Better to constrain the lines of communication but keep them open. They may eventually have something to say you want to hear.
3. Use the constrained lines of communication to document the communications. If you ever need to involve law enforcement or a court, the documented communication will be very helpful.
4. Keep your mother in mind on every action. My Dad loved to talk with my OB about how J was wasting his money on the MC and how he could make so much money on the latest "get rich" scheme with my brother if only my "stupid" mother would agree to give some asset to my brother. As long as the conversations did not encourage Dad to be uncooperative with the MC staff or cause Dad undo stress (he also had CHF and stroke risks) I allowed them to continue during his set visiting periods. Mom and I visited once a week at different times. I tried to keep "what's good for Dad" in mind in my decisions and not react to any harrassment.
5. Accept you and your siblings, for whatever reasons, have a different point of view about your mother's care. Stop trying to justify your view or point out problems in their view with every communication.
6. Consider looking around for a good fit AL and maybe a NH if your mother's health declines. If it comes to a point where your sisters cannot continue with home care, having a good solution ready may make any transition easier.
7. Encourage your siblings to contact the local Area Agency on Aging to see what services your mother may qualify to receive in the home. There are some hours per week available in many locations for bathing assistance, housekeeping, some meals, and some companion care or an Adult Day Care where Mom may get out and have a little social interaction.

You must accept what you cannot change and work on protecting yourself and your mother from what you can. It's very difficult but I hope you find some peace with your mother's aging and your siblings.

What are the texts and emails about?

I'm probably being dim, but I can't reconcile a) they've stopped speaking to you and your sister with b) they are blindsiding you by using other people's phones and you just want them to leave you alone.

Is letting your brother in law know that you plan to visit your mother difficult?

But to answer the actual question - we see many families in conflict who turn to lawyers. I'm not sure how often it makes anything *better.* How long has the harrassment been going on, and what are they demanding of you?

They say to make an appointment because “they won't be in the house if my sister or I am”. I wouldn’t worry about the appointment, just go together with sensible sister. If the sillies walk out while you are there, who cares?

You get to see mother, and it’s a lot cheaper than a lawyer. You don’t have to ‘do what you are told’.

Leave it at texting only. Then you can decide what you need to respond to and what are just ugly words.

You might try to have a conversation again with them to say your remark about AL was only a suggestion and that at this point in all of your lives, it should not come down to being totally unable to be in the same room at the same time. If you choose not to have that conversation, so be it. Do it their way. Communicate only by text to your siblings...not their spouses. Then sibs can be home or not when you visit...up to them.

I would also tell them that you don't quite understand if they don't want to talk to you, why they would use a number unknown to you to call you. Agree that you will let them know when you will visit by text and you would appreciate text from their known numbers if they have to communicate. You agree to their requests.

Edit: Social worker is available *through* your COA.

Addycea: Perhaps you should speak to your town's social worker available thrugh your COA (Council on Aging) before going full on attorney.

Let all calls go to voicemail.
Check sender of any email.
I would not bother wasting money getting a lawyer to send a letter.
If nothing else it would give them the satisfaction that you are spending your money.
Try not to let it bug you much if it aggravates you that much your mom might just out live you.

As an intermediate step, when the phone rings and you don't recognize the number, let it go to voice mail. If it is legitimate, the person will leave a message and then you can return that call. You can ask a good friend to look at the text messages and if they are simply another tirade, tell you friend to delete it.

And get an order of protection if their hard of hearing.

Someing is missing here. If the sisters who are "harrassing" you are the ones doing the care at mom's home, why is that a problem? You should be thankful they are willing to provide the care so mom can stay in her home. My sister and I are doing 24/7 care at mom's home. This is horrendous. Get that? It's really, really hard. You should be thanking your sisters for doing this incredibly difficult job. If you can justify why this isn't true, I'm happy to change my stance.

Nope, no attorney of any type can help with these harassments. Are they contacting you using your cell phone number, your home phone, or even both?? Call the phone registry to have unwanted calls stopped and use caller ID. Don't answer unexpected calls. Can you call your mother directly to check in with her? Contact the local police if these harassments continue. Welfare check can even confirm your mother's safety at her house. If necessary, the State can even remove her from a toxic environment.

An Elder Law Attorney can show you the way.

You don't mention how long this situation has gone on or whether the two sisters who took over the care had helped before. Take a break. Don't answer the phone, let the calls go to voice mail, then quickly review messages and return calls that are of interest. My guess is that if the sisters caring for Mom were not helping much before, they will change their minds pretty quickly as they wear out from the work involved, though they will have some excuses to get out of taking any responsibility for moving your mom to an appropriate care facility.

I do identify with your situation in that I was 71 when my 96 (or so) yo mother passed away. The 3 of us who had been providing most of mom's care hired 7X24 care for her hospice care when she returned home after her final hospitalization. We knew that we had been putting in all the effort we really could before Mom was bedridden and that we really couldn't take on more. Each of us had injuries that we had incurred trying to help Mom.

However, the two who had been the least involved showed up the first weekend after Mom came home, said that "we" could do the care and save the money. The hardest working sister (and most compliant one) went along with them and fired the carers. Of course, the 2 non-helping sibs quickly found that they had other obligations and left after 2 days. That left the work back with those who had been doing the bulk of the work all along. I absolutely refused to do more than I had committed to do. After 2 days of doing nearly everything the nice, compliant sister was too exhausted to even call the agency. I called the agency and asked them to please reinstate the care. Fortunately, they did. Mom lived another 10 days. The 2 non-helping sibs showed up a couple of times for an hour or two, at their convenience. They also assisted in sorting through Mom's stuff after she passed. Once the hardest working sister finally settled the estate and mailed out the (very small) checks that was the end of contact from the two who wanted to save the money by not caring for Mom.

All I want in my remaining years is peace and harmony. I don't really care how many of my sibs are included in my life. Perhaps if you can take a break and let the domineering sisters do all the work for a while, they will calm down and be more reasonable. Or not. You may want to get a case worker involved to be sure that your Mom is actually being properly cared for. If you can set up your "appointments" on a repeating schedule, say every Monday and Thursday from 10am to noon, then you needn't see your sisters at all, given that they want to be absent when you are with your Mom. That may be the biggest gift they give you.

First of all, Assisted Living is NOT a nursing home. It is an apartment with people who work in the apartment building available to help the tenants should they need it or ask for it. Different levels of care is provided for an added fee should the tenants need it.

Second, there is no way on earth that I would agree to "make an appointment" to see my mother in her own home or anywhere. If the situation is as truly appalling as you say, then - oh, yes, I would get a lawyer. Some are saying that this would make the situation worse, but I feel that being held hostage by some of my siblings qualifies as, not just a crime against myself, but against my mother. Since your sisters seem to be the ones controlling your mother and her life, I would, also, ask for a wellness check.

I thank God that my sister and I are on the same page, and we have a loving family. Of course, my mom does not have an "estate", so money (which can be a curse to some families in this situation) does not enter into our love for Mom nor do I think it would even if my family came from wealth.

I truly wish the best for your family and you all find the peace that you need and your mother must truly wish for.

It is best to speak to an attorney about your situation and get some legal advice.
I have been working with law firms for 24 years throughout the USA and Canada.
I recommend you keep every text, email and phone message in a safe place.
No sibling can keep you from seeing your mom without proper legal documents and they would have to prove you are dangerous to your mom before any judge would order and kind of court order. Each state laws are different.
I would go visit your mom as much as you want and provide her with your love and companionship. Bring her favorite ice cream or pudding, cake, pie you get the idea and play cards with her or watch her favorite TV show with her.
I too have a sibling that I wanted to put a restraining order on, but I couldn't because it had to come from my 91 year old mom and she was to afraid to do so.
So I came up with a better plan. I found her a perfect care giver. I am fortunate that I can afford to pay for the few hours a week she goes to my moms. But now the care giver is in control. what I mean is if she sees any kind of abuse toward your mother she has to report it. with this in mind it might just change the actions and behaviors of your siblings, it has for my situation for now anyway. most important, my mom is happy once again since the passing of my dad two years ago. Also, when siblings act out in this way it is usually money driven. So make sure your heart is in the right place and I'm sure it is, and the rest will take care of itself. Trust in God, He is bigger than all situations.
Feel free to reach out to me if you want help with affordable legal assistance.

Your question seems more concerned with access and property division than with how well your mother is being cared for. Be honest about your motivations for your visits when you do attempt to visit.

Continue to block conversation but I don't recommend a lawyer. There isn't much they can do and I want you to continue to at least be able to visit your Mom. Getting a lawyer is likely to escalate the two sisters behavior.

i am not sure if anyone has POA. If the mean sisters do it ends upon Moms death and they cant keep you from Moms funeral without a legal order.

I am POA for my Mom and despite not having a relationship
with one of my siblings I would never cause friction between her and my Mother.

hang in there, enjoy the time you have with your Mom. The goal is quality time with her

Similar situation for me in some significant ways. I was DPOA for my parent in both Medical and Financial. Sib believes rules and laws are for others but not them, and it was a veritable sh*t show until I got an elder law attorney involved.

The attorney reviewed my parent’s estate planning docs - Will, DPOAs, etc., and wrote a letter instructing sib that all communication to me specific to my parent and parent’s care went through them first. It cost approx $500, and that took care of it - nipped it in the bud. The other thing that went on - sib’s lies to my parent also stopped. It upset my parent no end as they thought (were told) I was being horrible to my sib. That, to me, was a bigger issue - manipulation for sib’s own purposes, and sib didn’t care about parent being upset. So wrong.

My parent passed recently, and I am executor. Similar stuff started up again, and fortunately, the probate attorney understands the dynamics, and has been great to work with. Processing grief while processing an estate is tough work. The probate attorney has helped tremendously.

Bottom line: I would recommend an elder law attorney review of your parent’s documents, if possible, along with what can and cannot be done. The attorney may be able to send a similar letter to your sisters. Yes, it will cost some money, but better that, if you can afford it, than constantly being dinged by siblings.

One additional thing - and a big one - the stuff that went on really thrashed me. I went back into counseling for awhile, and got my head and heart back on straight. If this is messing with you, your self-esteem, anger, etc., counseling may be a good addition.

Good luck!

Why are all the threats going on here?........Is it future financial gain?....is the value of the house low...could be a rural 5 bed in bad shape....is there a long term care insurance policy?....Good part is that if I had to do it all over again sending someone to AS or NH is sometimes not as bad as not having the 8 thousand per month or more and facing a sale of a house if not in a trust...all these issues go into the horrific guilt of placing your Mom or Dad in a strange place if you are seemingly to lazy or geographically unable to attend to the daily needs of an elder....so this is what you get an insulted group of castigating people unable to have a logical conversation for their failing Mother who will die......think of it like a divorcee who hates her ex and refuses his desire to see his children...people need to learn communication skills and not jump to conclusions with bad behavior.....I know how this happens when my Mom was 90 in her house my bro. had lived there and was caretaker toher an Dad at 95....well health intervened and went downhill as i watched Mom die in her home, then brother 69 died before his Dad...and i lastly had to act....it was a rough time for me...failing health is a monster here...causing stress....my family only had their house in my and bros name for twenty yrs ....and maybe some 5 thousand in cash...for their funerals which by the way was the biggest expense costing some twenty thousand for bro plot 5,funeral home 10 thousand,gravestone 4 thousand.....mom and dad had their plots but after all was done I spent 41 thousand just on funerals orthodox greek christians because the most important thing to an immigrant is their pride and having enough to bury themselves....aside from the accusations from a relative that I put dad on Medicaid meaning to her they get everything for free!!!!which by the way is not true..her implication being that the house was in my name...the entire pension from my father was his soc an thnkgod for the VA aid and attendance which i have to the NH 1900.00 which i thought was enough...or i could have hired in house help you just do not know how health will play out and when the parent will be bedridden and cannot walk......

I haven’t read all the responses but if it were me… before using an attorney unless money is no concern, I’d tell them…. so as not to upset them further you want not just the appointments but all communication to go through your BIL. Perhaps he would put his foot down. Then only write letters that you save a copy.

We had a family issue once where our counselor wrote a letter for us stating any further communication to us would have to come through him.

It is ok for them to take the job of caregiver on as long as it works for them. It is kind of a blessing you don't have to help. It is weird you have to make an appointment thru your BIL. It is even more weird they are harassing you..... I don't know what to suggest, beyond perhaps your 2 sisters have dementia themselves.

Anonymously sign them up on bulk mailing lists from every care facility in the world. They need to be educated as to the help available when they finally burn out. In the meantime, they will be so tired from hauling multiple mailings from mailbox to home to wastebasket to garbage can to dump that they won't have as much time or energy to harass you. You will be doing this in the spirit of helping mom, of course. ;-)

How are they bombarding you with calls from other people's phones when they supposedly "stopped speaking to you?"

Does anyone have power of attorney for your mom? Is she incompetent? If not, she gets to decide if you can or cannot visit, not your nitwit sisters. Quit catering to them.

Sure, you could try to get a lawyer to write a nastygram telling them to leave you alone, but what happens when you want to see Mom? You'll be shut out completely. As for inheritances, don't expect to get anything if one of them is the executor of the will.

If it was me, I wouldn't answer any calls from numbers I don't recognize and let the calls go to voicemail. Just as when you were children, I'm sure your mother would advise that they'll stop harrassing you if you don't react.

Simply delete messages after listening to see if there is an emergency you need to know about. Don't respond. They will eventually tire of churning up stuff without any response whatsoever.
If there is a will it will be filed. It often takes a year or more to settle an estate. Stay out of it. Their probate attorney will contact you and let you know timelines eventually.
Simply go Grey Rock on them. There is no other way. You might consider seeing a therapist for a while to set your boundaries and stick to the settings for your own good. You cannot control them,but you can decide on your responses to them.

A POA stops at death. So your sisters cannot ban you from a Funeral. Unless stated private, the public is allowed. I did not invite people to Moms funeral, people just came.

The Will. Under the circumstances, I may not take on the Executorship if Mom assigned you. If she assigned more than one, if its you are one and bad sister is the other, I would give it up. Since Mom has property, there will probably be Probate. The Executor has certain responsibilities they need to carry out. A Short Certificate showing they have the right to deal with Moms financials and sell her property. Sending letters out to all beneficiaries and interested parties saying that Probate has been open. In my State Probate can't be opened till 10days after death or closed before 8 months. The Executor is responsible to see that all debts are paid and property sold if thats how the Will reads, The Executor must abide by the Will. An accting will be done for Probate and each beneficiary gets a copy. This is when you contest anything on the accting. Otherwise you sign it. I had a lawyer for the selling of Moms house, he did the accting for Probate. Once he got the signed acctings from my brothers, checks were sent out by the lawyer. Mom died Sept 2017, the house sold June 2019 and Probate closed shortly after.

If you are not Executor, I see no reason why your sisters would harass you. If you are Executor, then you can have cease and desist letters sent if they are harassing you. I have a feeling if Mom is of sound mind, you and other sister have been written out of the Will. If not and she passes, I would see if there is some way that Moms home can be secured so nothing is taken out of it before Probate is opened and closed. I know where families have swooped in and removed the good stuff. This stuff is part of the Estate and needs to be accted for.

Do you have caller ID, if not, I suggest you get it. If a number comes up ur not familiar with or the name is recognizable but u wonder why they are calling, don't pick it up. Let it go to VM. As soon as you hear its your sister, delete it. A cell phone even better. You see the number calling, just don't pick up if not familiar. I would wonder though since you seem to have backed off, why would they be harassing you now? Or you just see this happening once Mom passes.

Addycea, has your mother executed any authority documents, such as a POA, DPOA, allowing your sisters the right to make these decisions? If not, then they're apparently acting without any legal authority. And, given the frictional situation, I think you might be wise to consult an attorney. But be aware that they're not particularly enthused about becoming involved in family feuds and/or friction.

An attorney could discuss the possibility of a restraining order preventing them from acting without authority.

One way to address this would be to file with the local applicable court for injunctive relief, and ask the presiding judge to schedule an arbitration type hearing at which each of you could state your positions and an arbitrator would create suggestions, and/or issue authoritative guidance. Anyone participating would be bound by those decisions. That could be a stumbling block though, if your sisters wouldn't agree to participate.

"they would do it all.."

'And loving it!' (said in my best Get Smart accent)

You had suggested AL as a practical future pathway, let's call that *the downsize stage*.

But those 2 sisters have donned their *no Care Home EVER!* T-shirts, drawn the battle lines & taken the lead.

In the wise words of some General: Lead, Follow or Get (outta the way).

I can see how you could not follow their plan, so are left with the get out of the way option.

It is a real shame when families pull apart due to elder care. Strong personalities, strong views & closed minds can wreaking havoc on relationships 😞

You all want a good life for Mom - just have different views!

Between the mixed messages of stopped speaking & also bombarding texts.. I feel good clear communication is sort of... missing.

Would it possible to have a faith/community/social worker mediate to improve the communication? Get a re-set?

First, please know that in the US laws and rules vary by state (and maybe even county) and this is a global forum of non-attorneys.

You can go to an attorney, who may begin by drafting a letter to them outlining what further legal action you will take if they don't stop all harassing communications with you. Usually, just the threat of legal action gets people to stop. You will need to provide compelling evidence for the attorney to consider.

If your sisters are your Mom's PoA, you won't ever be allowed to know what's going on with her or be informed of her passing, or be allowed to attend her funeral. Just saying this may be the outcome. If you're not sure if they are actually her PoA (and you care if they are) the attorney can also demand proof of PoA, with a similar threat to have them prove it in court.And you will be resonsible to pay the attorney. I'm so sorry for your family's disharmony. Such a shame for your poor Mom.