Recently got a script from my doctor. He said daily use was okay, but he also knows I use it sparingly. In the past I've had this med for GAD and panic attacks, and used it with no problems but I only used sparingly. One script lasting 3 years.
Now things are different and I struggle to make it through each day and have terrible insomnia. I wake up at 2AM and the intrusive thoughts and worry take over. I HATE that I need meds to cope with this, but feeling like I'm losing it on a daily basis can't be good for me either.
I guess I fear physical dependency, which is bound to happen with daily use. I know my doctor would help me taper when the time comes, but it just sucks that I have been reduced to needing this. But I won't lie. It definitely helps to take the edge off. Not in a recreational high type of way, but in a "I can finally breathe" kind of way.
Any experience out there with this type of thing?
That whole pouring from an empty cup sentiment has never been more true.
When I finally "accepted" that I was NOT Ok, about 20+ years ago, the first thing they gave me in the hospital was Xanax. OMG! Within 1/2 hour I went from panic and suicidal ideation to simply being me.
I had carried this anxiety for so many years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am on an antidepressant, which I will taper off of this Spring and I take Klonipin (Another benzo, but in my experience, much "gentler" and longer acting. It has literally saved my life.)
I am addicted, sadly, and while I am not proud of it, I also know that my "addiction" is a low dose one and I will probably be on this until I die. My psych doc really wants me to be on half the dose I am, but the inabilty to sleep some nights, along with the general personality "disorder" that I have--I get so anxious worrying about cutting pills into halves, quarters---it honestly is so anxiety producing....
My DH is really the reason I take them. He is hard to live with, a good man, but completely wrapped in his own life. Critical of me to the nth degree--and clueless that he hurts my feelings--I find I medicate much more when he is in town as opposed to traveling.
I cannot be judgmental about anyone's need to medicate to function. W/O my benzos, I KNOW I would have long since taken my own life. I know I am not alone in this.
It almost doesn't MATTER what the reason is for the need for help. I long since swallowed my pride and try to do better as time passes, and I do hope someday to be anxiety free.
And if I am not, that's OK.
You do what you need to do to be well.
your fears about dependency try and get yourself as healthy as possible. Clean
diet (I found mostly paleo works for me, but there are many similar good ones)
exercise, social outlets even if only online, meditation. Once these
are all on board weaning yourself off should not be so difficult.
As for your symptoms dealing with narcissistic mom. Totally get it, I've been dealing with same as well as many physical issues as well. Not to freak you out
but just an fyi, many years of medication for endless bouts of bronchitis, PTSD,
etc have taken a huge toll on my body. So sooner you can get medication free
the better imho
Why do people reach out to these chemical compositions when study after study shows meditation is good for some of these issues. There are several studies out there but here is one from Harvard.
It's not either or. Meds are not evil. They save a lot of people's lives and sanity. I agree with another poster, without SSRIs I would be long gone from this world. Meditating would not have helped such a severe situation.
I also want to say that there's no shame in taking meds when you need them. It's not like meds are evil and meditation is goodness personified. It's not helpful to add value judgments to these things. We all have to find what works for us. Sometimes that takes a while and a lot of experimentation, but eventually the hope is that a combination of things allows you to live without wanting to die or explode.
No shame, all of us who use meds! We all do what we have to to feel okay!
Is caring for Mom worth your health? I have never dealt with a narcissist but many on this forum are. Seems you will never win with Mom. As other people have posted, they have learned to set boundries or just walked away. Believe me, you are not the only person dealing with this.
I personally know of someone with a Xanax addiction, she took it after a terrible accident, had to go on disability, had a very successful career and suffered horrible anxiety. She did not use it sparingly. She abused it. Anyway, she is still addicted and it’s not pretty. Let’s just say, I will never get in a car with her ever again. She refuses to do rehab. So sad.
Anxiety is hell. I hope you find peace.
Just a thought.
However, getting off it was NOT easy, at all. I worked with my doctor and tapered the dose, but I had terrible withdrawal. There were weird brain zaps for months. It took me at least 5-6 months to feel 100% normal. I did not expect this as I thought SSRI's weren't "addictive".
I'm not trying to scare you, a simple google search will show you this is a very real thing and very common. Had I known that I would have opted to go on and wean off Xanax instead. I would have had less side effects and ultimately have to face an uncomfortable weaning no matter what.
I have to do something. I have no idea how long this care with my mom will last, but I need to function better while doing it. For myself, for her, for my husband and family.
For now I am using it sparingly. But down the road.... who knows. :(
Exercise helps. I'm about to head out for a walk in the fog. I was going to ditch it because of the fog, then I thought nope, I need this.
Thanks for your response. This website is a great place to get info and vent.