Hating the holidays and want to run away. How do you cope?

Indeed. Run away! Take a holiday from everything and let the others deal.

This is a difficult time of year for those of us who have lost a loved one, are estranged from family. I make Christmas cards and don't mind if I don't get one in return, it is my gift to others. I go to a friend's home, one who has also lost dear ones and we have a have a very untypical Christmas, no tree, no gifts and no guilt. Always remembering the true meaning of the season without all the games played out by others. Be selfish and do what makes you happy, you deserve it!

I mostly find Christmas something to survive. The 26th
is my favorite part of the winter holidays. Since we are
homebound due to his health festivities are toned down.
Which is good. There adult children get gifts of cash.
His gets a few gifts, he's hard to buy for. A great nephew
and niece get a box in the mail of little goodies. We'll
have dinner for five on the 24th. Probably honey baked
ham with sides. I miss the past years get togethers,
The people who have died, the ones who are I'll or
live far away. But I do try to have the holiday in my own
way. Don't miss the malls, the shopping for the right
gifts, etc. Thank heavens for Amazon and the Target
store across the street, where my dau works. I'll probably
leave most of the decorations up well into Jan. I do l ik e
The lights and decorations. It's a quieter holiday time
but with less pressure and expectations.

I hope we all will find a modicum of peace and happiness
this year! Bless you all!

There is a saying - something about you can't always control what happens to you but you can control your reactions to it. When you realize suddenly that things are not the way they used to be, you need to find a new normal. The important thing is to take the burdens off your mother and father. Make their lives less complicated. Go with the flow. It sounds like you are new to dementia. You will lose more of your mother every year, so cherish what you have. Don't get caught up in family politics. Find a good friend you can vent to and get on with the business of living. My mother was also the anchor for our family and she has been gone 13 years. She gave us great Christmases and I don't have it in me to try to replicate her efforts. My brother lives for Christmas and so I let him do the work and enjoy his efforts. If it wasn't for him, we wouldn't have holiday family dinners. Let your siblings do what they do well because you probably won't get them to do what you think they should do. You will need more of their help later.

GingerMay I have one Question. When You were a Baby, young Girl, Teenager, then in Your 20's and so on....did Your Mom take Care of You ? and now Your Darling Mom has Alzheimer's and You look away. You must learn to accept Your Mom's diagnosis Alzheimer's which is a disease of the Brain. It's not Your Moms fault since millions of Mothers all over the World have it, and Fathers too but this disease is more common in Women. Yes things will never be the same again, how can they be ? but Youl have to help You Dad to take Care of Your Mom and Love Your Mother like She Loved You when You were sick. Believe me GingerMay I know what I am talking about because when My beautiful Mother was diagnosed with alzheimer's I manned up and Cared for My Mother single handedly 24/7 from beginning to End,
which was three years and I did it with Love. Nothing was ever a problem, or too much because I adored Mom, and I miss the Crater. Now is Your Time GingerMay and when the End comes, You will be so glad You did.

I bring my father to a family holiday dinner that he enjoys. They fuss over him and send him home with leftovers. For me, I like to drive around and look at Christmas lights (no cost) and I buy myself a Christmas gift. I'll sample holiday foods/drink in small quantities, might make a batch of cookies if so inclined (but I don't HAVE to), send return cards to people who send them to me and make year end donations (as I can afford) to causes I believe in. I set my own schedule.

Zam250 is on to something! Helping strangers to help oneself!  If I may add, be anonymous about it, without any sort of expectations in return.  Try and see, you may find your cheerful self again. It would give you the strength to face your family situation.

I LOATHE the holidays. I think I always have since I was in my teens. I came from a dysfuntional, cold, unloving family but I had my darling grandmother till she died when I was in my 20's. (I was deep in the throes of an unsuitable romance, but 40 years later I still think of her and not my beau). They robbed me of my holidays. WE had to go over THERE every single F'ing Christmas Day for an awful time, and we had to have our own Christmas before or after. So, yeah, I know how it feels....one sibling lit out long ago across the country, the other is in a group home, and parents now both dead, and I don't miss the Big Jolly Family Christmas at ALL. ... When husband's relatives were still alive, we did have a child, and nice get-togethers with them, and now they are gone, too......When my mother was still in her house, with dementia, I arranged for paid help to stop in for a few hours because she didn't know it was Christmas anyway. But I spent the day half expecting the phone to ring with some problem....OK. I've vented. I'm done......What I did was downsize Christmas. No need to go from house to house, no need to put on dinners here, one day, and another the next. No big decorating or baking. (If that is what people reading like to do, more power to you! But we cut out anything extraneous. It was simply too enervating for me, and if I didn't do it, no one really cared.) Ordered food in, a pre-made dinner, or I would whip up a huge lasagna or get a spiral ham and a few sides, that would last us a few days....I just wasn't feeling it, to tell the truth, and my own husband and daughter understood (because we had had so little, and such dysfunctional, family, they never walked around thinking they would have a Waltons Holly Jolly Christmas anyway.) So do the things YOU like to do, feel capable of doing, and let the chips fall. People get mad? They'll get over it.

Thanks for initiating this thread -- all of these varied responses are helpful to me. My dad has been gone for 30 years. This is the first year I will not have either of my kids with me on Christmas day. I promised my mom (mild cognitive disorder) and little brother (severely disabled) that I'd make the 11 hr drive to be with them, but I had hoped that at least one of my kids would also be there. They won't be. So I've been dreading the upcoming holiday. My other siblings will stop by Mom's assisted living community for a couple of hours but if it's like last year there will be snipey (sp?) comments from both my sis and my mom to me at various times. I had a dream two nights ago that I said to heck with all of it and decided to travel Europe during the holidays. :) Lovely dream, but I wouldn't do that to Mom and my little brother. I appreciate the guidance from several of you to focus on the potentially last time with my mom. I'm just now coming to terms with her narcissism, however, so that's making it tougher. Thanks for sharing your stories.

My Christmas's and my families Christmas's have changed over the years, I was a child, I had a child, my child grew up, my brother's have younger children also now growing...you get the picture but I guess I'm one of the lucky ones because for the most part I can't say any of them have been horrible or even bad. Including last year when we were in the middle of a move and didn't go see family or put up our own tree (I got a potted pine) and it was just the three of us, my husband, my son and myself with visits from the girlfriend and just vegging out together. But that's not what I'm hearing is your main frustration, who hosts and where you go, it's more about your sisters inability to accept and participate (read help) in the new reality with your parents which is being accentuated perhaps by the fact that for the first time this year your family Christmas event isn't being held at your parents. I feel your pain, at least part of it, I know how bitter sweet memories are for me of Christmas's past when we always gathered Christmas night at my grand uncles. It was that way from the time I was born until well into my 20's. I imagine it's a bit sad that this year that solid tradition you could always count on that the family gathers at your parents, is ending and for you who is hit in the face every time you go over there to care for them the reason it's ending makes it all the worse. I don't know if you have kids or grand-kids but if you do the knowledge that they wont have that is another big sigh. My guess is all of that exists for your sister as well she just has manipulated things so that she can push it down and not face it because she just isn't ready yet. You are obviously different in the way that you handle emotional things and challenges simply based on the fact that you are the only one facing it all and diving in (because someone has to) and that your aching for someone, well her, to talk to and share this all with, the info, the planning, the decisions and yes the care-giving.

My suggestion is first, try and give your sister the room to do her ignoring for the holidays, after all you really can't control it anyway so why help her increase your level of agitation. But that doesn't mean you have to make it easy for her, in fact make it easier for you. You aren't doing the planning she is so let her work out how and when to get Mom and Dad there, let her take the responsibility for them, whatever that looks like. I'm guessing that to complete her "perfect picture" that they need to be there. If she is unrealistic about asking your Mom or arranging with your mom to make some regular family dish or tradition step aside and let her arrange that with Mom and or Dad and then she can fully experience how difficult that has become. Maybe it will go easier than it should for her and your dad will say "mom can't do that and neither can I" or maybe it will be more complicated than that but word that things have changed is bound to get out in her family (I'm thinking she might put one of her kids in charge of picking them up) as they have to deal with it. Maybe your sister will grasp it then or be forced to consciously acknowledge the issues, maybe her kids will first and then help her face it or even better offer to help you both. This new Christmas set up might end up being great for you because it could force at least some questions about how things really are going and what needs to be done in the new year. I'm not suggesting it will all happen then and there but it may very well create discussions in the new year, the ones you have been trying to have. It is far easier to think things are better than they are when your far away and not "hands on" on a regular basis. Lol it happens regularly that my 2 brothers and I are discussing things with mom on a conference call (one brother lives in CA the other in CT where my mom is and I'm in VT so drive down often and or stay a week or 2 at a time) and the one in CA starts making suggestions that seem perfectly simple to him and one (or both) of us say that's just not possible or your not understanding how difficult that is for her... Now it isn't at all the same, he recognizes that there are issues and acknowledges that we are more in tune with the day to day etc but there are times he just can't understand why we feel something isn't doable. He get's to talk with her on the phone and Skype with all of us when we are in CT and he visits when he can which is more often than most since he's a pilot, he wants to help and does everything he can but still it's snippets and the view is very different.

As for you, much of that depends on your situation, do you have kids, grand kids, spouse joining the family Christmas at your sisters? Is spending the time with your family unit important to you, I mean if this elephant didn't exist? The only real requirement to "put on a show" or a forced "happy face" comes from you, no matter what your sister actually wants. When we do those things to make someone else happy we do it either because making that person happy actually makes us happy or for us it's the lesser of 2 evils. However if you can find a way to let go of what your sister wants and just resolve to focus on the things that do actually give you pleasure or make you happy and let the other things be someone else's thing maybe that will help. For instance seeing your nieces and nephews or your grand nieces and nephews, watching the kids with your parents, watching your sister try and deal with your parents (hehehe), sitting back and watching your sister try and create this spectacle and just knowing feeling the joy and love that really does exist in that house, whatever that looks like, the part that happens with out without the details and spectacle just because people that love each other are together at this special time of year. If you are religious the joy in the story. If your me the joy in looking at the tree and seeing the stockings hung. Don't pretend to be happy or find joy, find it. Don't be over the top full of fake smiles, react the way you feel. I'm not saying push uncomfortable conversations or be angry, in fact avoid stuff that just frustrates you for the day, walk away from things you know are just going to agitate you, like political conversation, take a page from your sisters book and stick to the things you can deal with today. But if being with your family at the "Family Christmas" isn't important to you and there isn't anything about it that you would miss or that makes you happy don't go. It's a year of change and if a celebration with just your more immediate family, spouse, children, grandchildren is more appealing to you do that. Just tell you sister as these changes are being made and the families grow it feels like the right time to branch off and keep your family celebration smaller, more intimate. You can even say you just find you haven't had time with your kids and selfishly you want to take advantage of the opportunity to be a family unit again, you don't have to make a big deal or hard feelings out of it, things are changing and it's up to you how much change you want for you. Then you can decide, do you want to share Mom and Dad or just leave them to your sister and maybe have them to your house the next day or the day before or maybe take your family over to their house and host the smaller group yourself there. Again I don't know your dynamic so these are just ideas but hopefully you get the drift. Do what you can to change the way your thinking about and approaching this so rather than thinking about what you think is expected of you consider what you want to expect for yourself, just those things you can control and let those expectations and things you don't have any control over or interest in go, leave them to the people they are important to.

It's going to be a different year, no changing that so make the most of it rather than dreading it, at least the best you can. Remember to notice and take in the good things, the good moments because while they feel few and far between they are ll around you, especially this time or year. You just need to let them shine through. I do not mean to sound preachy and believe me I totally get this is all easier said then done, it's not all going to be smooth and free of stress just because you decide it will, though there are those fortunate few who can do that but with some work you can minimize the negatives on you. Good luck!

WOW.....sounds like we all are living the same life (in a way we are or we wouldn't be on this site). I have slowly become a bah humbug person also and I hate it that it happened. After I took over the Holiday duties since mom could no longer figure out how to open a can or leave out 2 ingredients or even put horrible new ones in a recipe, and by the way that was over 16 years ago, I am worn out trying to keep the traditions going. Lost mom a year ago, lost my sister 5 years ag (who really wasn't able to help that much with my folks and she lived only 10 minutes away where I am 40), and my dad who is now 95 and is declining quickly, well, it has just gotten too much. Don't even want to put a tree up. I manage to do what I can for what little family I have left. Whenever I make a comment on not doing this again next year our son (40) says Mom, you have to! My sister's daughter (47) gasps and says you have to!! Well, yeah I don't! She needs to step up and take this on or we don't do it at all. I've got 2 grand sons who I will buy for (our son and grand sons live with us). Ugh....I wish I had some words of wisdom. I am a faithful believer and I know what this season is supposed to be about but in our culture it's about gifts, spending money and eating and spending more money that could be put to better use. My heart wants to have traditions but my body says "you're done". I will get through this Christmas just like I did last year and the year before that. As for my advice for you GingerMay.....I say don't go. Have a cough, have the flu, don't feel good, get your toe stuck in a sock or something.....anything but just don't go and make yourself miserable. Your family will survive without you and if they make a fuss about it, well, that's on them and you don't need to apologize for anything or to anyone. Take care of yourself and your mom. My mom used to get very nervous around all the people at her later stage as my dad does now. He wants to come but then he eats and stays for a little bit and needs to leave so that means someone has to spend another hour and 15 minutes taking him home. It's possible that your mom doesn't need to go either. Anyway, I'm rambling so in the spirit of the Holidays I will tell everyone to try to have a nice one in anyway that fits them. May God Bless each of you with some sort of peace and comfort.

I go to my sister's house in another state for Christmas where we give practical gifts that don't blow our budgets. We're all on fixed income; I'm over 60 where my sister and BIL are over 50. There are two children, one 18 years old and the other one 21 and she has a little daughter. This downsizing worked great; we'd used to have a big celebration. Now with everybody dead or doing their own thing and not speaking to my sister and I, this works out just fine. And who needs the ones who aren't speaking to my sister and me?

I think this is the toughest part of the year to go through for so many families-due to chronic illness, dementia illnesses, dysfunctional family dynamics and so much. In your situation when family members are in denial, you must face the reality that if no one will listen to you, and you cannot face the "holiday lie" the perhaps you must cherish the good memories but move on to create memories of your own. Thus year is could be you alone with a nice dinner and a gift to yourself, watching a favorite movie and congratulating yourself for making a peaceful moment for just you. In future years thing might change, or you might find some new friends to share special moments with. Our family is quite broken for the third year in a row, facing dysfunction, loss, financial struggles, my husband's dementia and illness and needing to be in multiple places for our blended family. It is hard, but we have found a way to work it out. We are a very loving family and there will be many tears as music and memories meld, but if you have loved the holidays please don't let what is happening now steal that joy completely. Begin to build again and know that things may get a lot worse-I know they will for me-before any resolutions take place.

Growing up Xmas was at home. Mom would invite relatives that had nowhere else to go. We had a good time. Lots of Aunt's, Uncle's and cousins living in the same town. Now, Aunt's and Uncles gone. Cousins moved away. For a few years Xmas is Lasagna, salad, bread and cookies. My daughter is an RN and usually works. With Lasagna I could hold dinner off a little while. It's usually eat and run because she is tired. Thanksgiving this year was catered at my daughter's. All that had to be done was heat up. She was in a bad mood because she worked the day before and after. We ate and left. My youngest says her, my grandson and nephew are going to get dinners from Whole Foods and spend Xmas at the boys place, play games and watch Netfiks for Christmas. Told them to do whatever makes them happy. Me, I will make my Lasagna and who comes, comes.

GingerMay: Get yourself a short vacay at the local hotel, where they may have a Christmas tree, etc. You NEED respite, else you may drop over. You wouldn't be too far away from your parents...return in a day or two. Hire a respite caregiver.

I understand how you feel. For me Christmas has become a synonymous of exhaustion and stress, now that may parents are at their late 80's and have health issues both. It simply is not magical anymore. The only reason I bear it is because I have two small kids. Take a deep breath and go through it. It´s just a night in the whole year. Enjoy being with your loved ones, the only thing that matters.

I so understand you. I have a mom and dad i care for full time both with AD. I have two brothers who do nothing to help with them. They come and tell me what should and should not do! I also dread Christmas this year the sprit is gone as a family. I don't want to be around either one anytime. I keep peace for my Dad and Moms sake. What else can we do?

Like 'Columbo', I would like to say, 'oh, just one more thing'.....remember, what is past, is past. You will never recapture the magic and you cannot knock yourselves out trying trying trying: Christmas cards, and midnight mass, and a Big Fat Jolly Holiday Meal, tom turkey with all the trimmings! - or dozens of presents to buy Aunt Blabby, and the 2 month old twins in Topeka, and 15 year old Goth Princess, and the distant brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews... . So you think think think what what what to buy everyone. (I know squat about electric doodads for young people and they already have all that! Does 90 year old Aunt Mert actually want 'body butter'? The kids would love a trip to Disney world, do you HAVE $10,000 to splurge?').... I have found, give a token gift, give cookies, give a gas card for the Sunoco station, if you must, but do not stress about this. I've had years I was flat. broke. Not a cent to spare. Gave nothing. No one held it against me....Because the family you had in the past, when you were small and got a dollhouse or baseball glove? That family is GONE. You are not 10 years old. Things have moved on, and you don't have to celebrate the Big Fat Holly Jolly Holiday like the Waltons and Martha Stewart combined. You do what you can, and let someone else in the family pick up the slack. If they don't, so what???....Remember,it's only a date on a calendar.  

Amber has tremendous insight and I feel the same. We celebrated with children at thanksgiving and they will go to in laws for Xmas. This is the first year my husband and I will have a quiet xmas alone and I’m ecstatic. My MIL is trying to get us to commit to come day after etc and I said no. I put my foot down and said I’m not committing to any travel or obligations. We are having a quiet Christmas together and recharging. We will be happy to see family after holidays at another weekend, but don’t want to be driving here and there Xmas and New Years and wearing ourselves out.

Do what you want. Create a new tradition and if that means seeing sister and relatives another weekend other than Xmas — that might be best for all. Maybe you and sis switch out every other year as to who will host say 3rd weekend in Dec. that way you can spend Xmas and NYear with just who you want.

GingerMay,
Thank you for sharing. I am the primary caretaker of my mom who has ALZ and I too have been dreading the "happy holiday" thing. Although I love the time of year; the decorations, cold weather, giving to people I love, and maybe doing a little baking, I am in a quandary about how to deal with family members who have been practically invisible all year, and then invite "us" over to their friend/family Christmas party, and by "us" I know they mean not my mom. She requires lots of work and taking her to any function anymore is a very big hassle. She generally does not want to go anywhere and after we fight to get her ready to go, we're exhausted and in no mood to be festive.
I can't get over the hurt I feel when I think how many months go by and I don't hear from either one of my brothers. They don't live that far away yet never visit. No calls to see how mom is or how I am for that matter. Several years ago, we were an hour late to my brother's Christmas dinner. It had taken us longer than normal to get my mom ready (she was not in a good mood & confused). We walked in and everyone was sitting in the living room watching TV. We hadn't eaten and were not offered food (which they had already put away). We tried to keep the "happy" outlook by scraping up what appetizers and candies were out. It was an extremely depressing night.
It's funny, because I used to call them and have my mom talk to them, but I stopped doing it because it just feels so forced. Since I've stopped initiating phone calls, we don't hear from them. They are living their lives and I am generally happy for them, but how can they know how bad off our mom is, and know how much pressure is on me and not reach out? It just doesn't make sense. Sorry for ranting, but anyway that's part of my background.
My words of wisdom to anyone experiencing this same thing would be: Be OK with what you know you have to do (even if that means saying no to the regular family functions. Be "present" when caring for your loved one with ALZ: slow down, smile, and show you care. Always know that what you can give them is priceless. You can be the difference in their life. I know how draining it is, but it can be very empowering too. Take care and hope you have a peaceful holiday.

How do I put on a happy face? I decide that my parents would be happy if I were present for what ever occasion and I suck it up and go. And a mild tranquilizer helps too!

Oh, I cooked Thanksgiving and Christmas last year so this year my parents and my daughter and I are dining out! 

I love and care about each one of you. This site has helped me give advice as well as spew my frustrations. Just know that we are all doing the best we can with what we are dealt. There's no right or wrong just try to have compassion for those that are aging, ailing, selfish or just dying from something they or any of us can't control. It will be me someday and all I want is compassion along with some dignity. amen

I hate the holidays. My dysfunctional family. The ridiculous obligations, the thoughtless gifts, (same exact things) every damn year. I banned all card giving because my brothers never do a thing the rest of the year and suddenly, because it's Christmas, let's pretend we care. Then, Mom starts up again, feeling the dire need to thank them and reciprocate for the thoughtless guilt gifts she doesn't even like and tries pawning them off on my husband and I. Yes, I hate the holidays now ever since I agreed to be my Mother's caregiver.

I am just trying to get through Christmas. We have had some deaths in the family that makes it sad, and seeing the parents decline is depressing also. I am already exhausted because I tried to do the usual traditions in addition to the care giving. The spending, the hype, the over done TV specials and the people who are so crazy that they will camp out for two days in front of a store. I am hearing complaints from parents about this and complaints about that. I am dealing with packages stolen - and companies who will not believe that they were stolen...
It is too much. I can tell you that the last place I intend to be is a family dinner where I get to hear about all the exciting things that relatives are doing and get patted on the arm ' oh your poor thing.' A retreat would be great - don't know if retreats stay open at Christmas. I might go to a movie, or a walk, but it will be something away from the hectic commercialized thing called Christmas - that currently doesn't have much to do with Christ's birth. Everyone has been conditioned by the media to expect a perfect Christmas and perfect family and everyone join in and sing carols - it doesn't usually work out that way.

Lassie, loved your humorous response. I was dreading Christmas this year for some reason. We've had sickness in this whole house. The young grandsons had been in the "naughty" list and it's up to me to do all the trimmings even if my niece did offer to help cook. Oh yes, not one gift has been wrapped due to my bah humbug attitude thinking I would have time. Well, that backfired in my face. My 95 year old father blacked out in the bathroom and has been in the hospital this week. They can't get the bleeding to stop due to his blood thinner and now on top of that he's got chest congestion that they are fighting so pneumonia doesn't set in. He is pretty deaf even with hearing aids and has late onset dementia so I have to be with. No Christmas at my house this year (that's fine with me since its destroyed by the naughty grands). We will have at a later date.....maybe. I feel like God answered my prayer to help me not have a Holly Jolly Christmas this year. Not that I wanted my dad to be injured or sick but to give me a breather from all the stress of that day. Of course this is a different kind but I can concentrate on dad and not scalloped potatoes that are burned or cold! I don't know how my mom did what she did.....working a stressful job, having a beautiful full meal on Christmas Eve and then turn around and have another one the next day. ALL doing it with a beautiful smile and great attitude. AND no ALCOHOL!!! :)))) I went to visit both my mom and sister at the cemetery on Thanksgiving and did a lot of yelling at first then had some laughs remembering and of course some tears. (Mom passed from a long bout with alz/de m a year ago). She had a saying and I've always used it......when all else fails.....punt. That's the one thing she knew about football and that's what I'm trying to do) Anyway, wishing everyone their Own kind of Christmas whatever that looks like. May God Bless each one of you and remember to just breathe.

I've always despised Christmas and its faux joy. The whole season / day is just. too. much. I know there are people who love it and power them. My family pretty much stopped the gift exchanges a long time ago. This year because of Mom's deep dementia and symptoms of her end-of-life sequence, we're having a couple-hour gathering on Christmas Eve (when we normally gather through the decades) to play Christmas bingo and eat way too much sugar. Simple and fun.

Today, found Christmas lights doing a little cleaning in the attic. Threw them out, did not feel bad about it at all.

I'm not in the right mental state right now (dealing with my own stuff) to offer proper advice. But you're not alone in hating the holidays. I put Christmas lights up outside. It's a farce. I don't feel jolly. Sometimes I want to rip them down.

Only time of the year where I actually feel I "need" alcohol.

Well, made it through another one. :)