I want to run away and leave behind my mom with ALZ, my dad who's in denial about it, and my sister with her family who all choose to put blinders on and act like everything is OK. How do you cope with family issues you can't tolerate during "happy holiday" season?
We always had holidays at mom & dad's until this year. Mom can no longer prepare meals, no longer clean house, no longer organize events and dad is her primary caretaker picking up where he can and thinking she will some day get better. Sister doesn't want to get her hands dirty with any level of care for mom & dad so she denies most of everything, interrupts any conversation I initiate about it, and only seems interested in how we make everything perfect for her adult children while we have the holiday celebration at her house.
I do not feel like being a part of any "show" this year. I think my sister is actually looking forward to having it at her house and being the center of all the attention - but she doesn't realize things are not the same anymore. The mom we had is gone forever. The family she grew up in is also gone. Her lack of awareness on family dynamics is causing me to turn away from her because I just can no longer relate to her.
I think mom brought us all together, but now that particular element is gone. Has anyone else felt similar? How do you manage your feelings of disappointment and frustration with your family and just "put on a happy face"? Thanks.
which was three years and I did it with Love. Nothing was ever a problem, or too much because I adored Mom, and I miss the Crater. Now is Your Time GingerMay and when the End comes, You will be so glad You did.
is my favorite part of the winter holidays. Since we are
homebound due to his health festivities are toned down.
Which is good. There adult children get gifts of cash.
His gets a few gifts, he's hard to buy for. A great nephew
and niece get a box in the mail of little goodies. We'll
have dinner for five on the 24th. Probably honey baked
ham with sides. I miss the past years get togethers,
The people who have died, the ones who are I'll or
live far away. But I do try to have the holiday in my own
way. Don't miss the malls, the shopping for the right
gifts, etc. Thank heavens for Amazon and the Target
store across the street, where my dau works. I'll probably
leave most of the decorations up well into Jan. I do l ik e
The lights and decorations. It's a quieter holiday time
but with less pressure and expectations.
I hope we all will find a modicum of peace and happiness
this year! Bless you all!
It takes strength to go against the status quo. DO IT! Do it for your health and sanity.
2018 is the year to think of yourself first when you can. No one else will take care of you.
In my situation here it seems that everybody on the outside is in denial too. I want them to acknowledge what is going on, but I want that to take place for me more than anything else. It makes me feel isolated. Mom doesn’t care what others think. She has vascular dementia, she knows she has a problem and has tried telling people she has a problem, but they don’t believe it. What can you do? She needs my love and support now more than ever. As far as your sister goes she’s going to have to come to reality sooner or later. People who tend to be self focused are in preservation mode. They feel like their world is turned upside down and all they can focus on is their pain about everything...how their family is going to change, how their holidays are going to change. It’s total self focus. Where does the care for your parents fit into that? My suggestion to you is for you to let love be your drive, focus on your part of the situation. Trying to figure out why everybody else does what they do is exhausting. You will find rest if your hope is in the Lord, and you let love rule. All we can do is to do our best not to have regrets....my brother on the other hand will have to reap. I’m sorry for him.
I've become very blunt since becoming a caregiver.
I never liked Christmas but forced myself to go through it all. Now I just ignore it and have come to enjoy the time of year.
Try googling "I hate Christmas"--there are threads of thousands of often hilarious comments from people talking about how they hate it and why.
Funny how reading the comments we are of many like minds when it comes to the holidays. Secular Christmas is more about Santa and the kids. I think that is what we cling to even as adults..that warm fuzzy feeling we had as children. We are expected to carry that into adulthood. But now in my 60’s I’m sort of over it. My husband and I don’t have children but I have 3 sisters and my dad. We often spent Christmas with just he and I and sometimes my sister came up as she is single. Three years ago I stopped the gift giving when I suggested to my sisters that we each choose a charity and donate to it as our gifts.
If you are Christian, then think of the season of Advent and embrace that. Get an Advent devotional, light a candle, pour a cuppa and do the reading and reflect. The season can be more meaningful if you do this and takes the meaning back to the Source. If you aren’t Christian then find other rituals you can connect with. Just tell your sister you are having a private holiday this year of reflection and restoration. No other explanations needed! Then take steps to plan that "Christmas celebration of one" so you look forward to it. Let us know how it goes and what you do!
Peace and simple pleasures to you too!
The only time I feel badly is when I'm out with friends and they're talking about their husbands, children, grandchildren, and the presents they're buying and parties they're going to with extended family, I always feel different. But I don't feel bad overall and having never married, I'm used to feeling different. :)
I hope you can all find some peace and simple pleasures in this season.
We make the trip to see extended family a few days the week after Christmas. They are more relaxed and so are we. We still get a lot of flack about not coming ON the day, but if they are pushed, they will admit it is more enjoyable.
Do what YOU want on the holidays. Norman Rockwell holidays never ever did exist.
I stopped almost ALL gift giving years ago.(Now, I get just for the children and my parents.) It had gotten out of control and was ruining my holiday. I now have a very limited list and it doesn't stress me out.
We moved our Mother's Day and Father's Day celebrations to siblings home years ago and it's fine. The only thing we can be certain of is change.
I am sorry to hear of your mother's decline. It's likely that we all will deal with that, eventually. I hope you find something that can help you feel better. Oh, I know some people who take off and go to the beach for Christmas. Or the mountains. I think it sounds adventurous.