Well, it happened. I feel incredibly guilty because I yelled at my MIL that lives with me and told her she had to use her walker no matter what if she wants us to continue to care for her. It is too dangerous not to. She is on Eliquis. She does not have dementia but she is 94 and not stable on her feet.
Because someone is elderly doesn't that mean we can't get mad at them? I don't have kids and I feel like this is something people with kids go through.
Thoughts? Suggestions?
Appreciatively,
Kim
I can't express enough how much coming here helped me. I feel like I am losing myself and my mind and knowing it is "normal" is a huge help.
As usual good communication is a necessity.
Sending you all good thoughts,
Kim
Sigh.
A few days ago, with my family caregiving long past and a few thousand client visits later, I explained the identical problem to two family members thus: "it does not enter her (my client's) head to use her call button or to use her walker. She actually puts it to one side out of her way when she gets up, does she?" (yes).
I can't tell you how strongly I sympathise with you. The person we are responsible for appears stubborn, careless, thoughtless, inconsiderate, reckless, obstinate, intentionally self-destructive...
No such thing, of course. They just didn't think or couldn't be bothered to fuss with their walker. Keep your shirt on! they're thinking.
Your MIL doesn't have dementia, so it may not be the case that she literally *cannot* think to use her walker (any more than she can do calculus or jump ten feet in the air) as it was with my mother; but it probably is the case that she just hasn't got into the habit of using it and finding it a benefit.
You are not wrong to have lost your temper, and to be stressed by her tottering around the place apparently in search of sharp, hard corners to bang her head against. The only suggestion I have to make is try to divide things strictly between Helpful, and Unhelpful, and reject the latter. Yelling won't help.
Apart from the one particular lady who frustrated me so much that I longed to staple her falls alarm to her ear and tie her walker around her like a crinoline, I can honestly say that I don't get upset any more about clients refusing ("declining" we call it) sensible precautions and aids. We prompt, we remind, we facilitate, but if 99 year old tiny fragile sweetie-pie is determined to set off for the bathroom with only her faithful old walking stick and keeps her balance by "swimming" her free arm through the air as she bounces off the doorways... hey, it works for her. We explain, prompt, encourage, and document (and we stand as close as we can get); but she decides.
Another lady keeps her falls alarm by her phone. "So" that she always knows where it is. We have discussed this point on a number of occasions by now, and I accept that she doesn't like to wear it round her neck because the cord catches on her O2 cannula, and she doesn't like to wear anything on her wrist because... because. We have come to the understanding that at the end of my visit I look at her over my glasses when I get to that check box on the form, and she says "oh all right then," and I fetch the falls alarm and place it to hand by her armchair. Then she puts it back when she goes to bed.
If this lady goes base-over-apex one night as she's climbing the stairs and falls to the bottom, she is (at best) going to pass a miserable few hours wishing she'd worn her alarm and I and all of my co-workers will very much regret it too. But, so to say, we don't *care.* It won't hurt us. We want her to be safe, it is our responsibility to do all we can to ensure her safety and wellbeing, but we stay behind the boundary. It is her choice about her safety, and not ours about ours.
And, of course, she's not our mother.
That said, my 90 y/o father was VERY unsteady on his feet and refused to use even a cane to help himself. One day, we took him to Walgreens and my husband placed him in front of the cane display; told him to please select a cane of his choosing and purchase it, no choice, period. That was the day Dad started using a cane.
The cane wasn't really enough to balance Dad so we ordered him a walker thru Medicare. He refused to use it. We begged him, hollered at him (GASP!) we cajoled him, we used every tool in our toolbox to get him to use it, but he was stubborn and flatly refused. Dad fell one night at 2 am while en route to the bathroom and broke his hip.
After not being able to complete a stint in rehab, he was forced into Assisted Living and I had to liquidate their apartment in Independent Living and move mom into AL with him. Dad died 11 months later from a brain tumor that was revealed during an MRI after the broken hip incident.
The moral of the story is this: you can't force anyone to do anything they don't want to do.
You're not a 'bad person' for yelling at your MIL; you are a kind person trying to get HER to do the right thing in an effort to spare her future pain & agony, that's all.
But remember: You can't save a person from herself. Let her do as she wishes and let the chips fall where they may. You'll know you tried your best and that's that.
Best of luck.
You have to stress that using the aid means more choices, not less dignity!
I informed her that if she fell, I would not help her up.
If the injury prevents her from being semi-independent, off to the old folks home for her. She knew I meant it after she fell and I refused to help her up.
You have to use tough love on stubborn men and women or else they will keep on repeating the stupid behavior. The first time is a learning incident, anything after that is stupid ( you know what will happen if you refuse to do what is right yet you insist on doing it. That is stupid ).
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