As stated in my original post when I joined this forum, I'm the sole caregiver for my dad. I wanted to not only ask the above question but also give some advice. I have noticed a change in my personality since caregiving. I'm no longer excited about things that I love. Why? I believe it is because I'm basically burned out and because my father and I have always had a stressful relationship. Yesterday, I noticed just how burned out I was when I pulled out in front of a car that I did not see. there was almost an accident. At the time, I was in deep thought about something he had said to me that he should not have. I'm often preoccupied with his negative words. I just started a new job and I cannot concentrate. Here is some advice to those who are new to caregiving or considering being the sole caregiver: Do not do it alone. Get some help if you can. As for me, I'm an only child and I'm sure there are others in the forum who are as well. I have mentioned getting Home Health to help, but he does not want to do this.
- It is ok for your parent to go to Assisted Living. Years ago, I said I would never do that. But now I think differently. This forum as helped me to see that it is ok.
Always put your needs first. If you do not, you WILL become burned out and depressed. I do everything for my dad. But I have learned to put my needs first. He has me to do everything for him and I have no one to help me. I'm not saying I need help, but I recently thought about the fact that he has to do nothing while I'm doing his tasks and half doing my tasks.
These are just a few pieces of advice. I pray that all of us caregivers will find the peace we need for ourselves. We only have one life. We must try our best to live it!
Caregiving has changed me profoundly. I miss the person I was. I’m not much fun to be around these days.
If only there would be an easy fix to this. I think some people only finally feel free of these feelings after the LO dies. Then finally they feel free to live their lives fully.
My anxiety hit the moon. My mom has always been a controlling and demanding person and it magnified beyond anything I'd imagined. I walked on eggshells while she was bedridden, her yelling screaming demanding, guilt FOG, all of it. I sought therapy.
I was able to turn it around by setting boundaries and keeping them. I worked it through with my therapist at first, it was going to be worse before it got better and oh man was it. Then once mom knew I couldn't be yelled, demanded, guilted, etc., she became a much different person too. She doesn't like to hear, "Not today," when she asks if I can come clean out the toaster for her - yes that happened once, but she wound up doing it. She doesn't like to hear, "No," when she asks if I'll rearrange her kitchen cabinets - they're fine as is. The minute I rearrange and change everything she'll forget where it is, so it's about the control and "What can Grip do for me today?"
I became much stronger. I don't like the circumstances that brought it on, but I did. She has always been the one who guilted and demanded and threw tantrums when I was younger. Now my response is little more than, "Aah try something new." She's also a lot more civil, and in many ways friendlier. She has a caregiving team at home that comes in every other day and they don't let her get away with anything either, but of course they don't have the emotional component. She's finally realized that when she practices gratitude for things I/we do, it actually works better.
Hard to go through to get there, but I'm there. I wish us all strength, and luck.
I totally get what you’re saying.
Please, please find her again. You will!
Life is too short, please find her again now (not after LO dies).
Now, my FIL is in assisted living and I don't care that he doesn't like it. When my MIL got sick (neurodegenerative illness), he fell apart and often used her illness to gain pity for himself and get his way. He does not want anyone to know his ugly truths. And I wish that MIL was the one still alive because she was such an amazing human being.
This forum helped me figure out how to get my life back on track. My FIL is safe, well cared for, and has access to activities. He is more than fine. Now, I'm much more focused on being a thoughtful, loving woman who engages in mindful self-care. I now spend my energy and time on people other than my FIL and his vapid side of the family who are energy vampires. Life is for the living.
Being a caregiver for me is no fun, it is drudgery, I do what I have to do for two people in homes, one in AL the other in MC. 4 years, heading into the 5th.
Maybe you are too involved with your fathers care, being in AL the basic day to day needs should be handled by the facilities staff.
Sending support your way!
God…
(((Hug)))
That’s tough. I help my mom: but so many problems.
Caregiving made that trait impossible and incredibly stressful. I felt like I had a fly swat trying to kill every fly on the planet. I could never get ahead of it. So, caregiving probably did change my personality but it also certainly made my natural tendencies more pronounced. I was an absolute wreck.
My caregiving has ended. I am still swatting flies but they are manageable.
Imagine if you will……being a loving wife, who has a lot of activities in her busy 75 year old calendar, places, people, friends, of course chores, but also new things, interests, people , extended family, hobbies, and the loving responsibilities/connection of going to see your husband in care. You deserve a life, the “twilight” years to be your best you can be, whilst you still have health. it doesn’t mean you love him less, it means you will end your years in a happy frame of mind! And please know that I say this because I understand completely about the love and duty aspects ( I am 63, have a fulfilment demanding job and simultaneously care for-my 93 year old Dad (deaf but refuses hearing aid, taps on, recurring ??s, diapers, AND my younger husband , only 53 but extreme anxiety and trauma issues, and if not made accountable, would “let me “ do everything !
I have a lot of beautiful friends around me, they are unanimous! RE-INVEST IN YOURSELF TO FIND HAPPINESS- we only get 1 life…🥰
- to try to shut her off in my mind. Not easy, but I have to distract myself when I start playing those unpleasant conversations on endless loop in my head.
- I can control very little of her situation. I try to let it be; to let go of what I cannot control.
- stop giving her power over my emotions. She has dementia. She has no power over me.
- her life is not my life. It is hers. I can help, but I cannot fix it.
The important thing for me is keeping my boundaries intact. I cannot help her if I am also sucked in to the mental chaos that dementia has placed in her life. It is a cruel disease and a health crisis that becomes more prevalent as medical advances find ways to prolong life beyond all reason. (My opinion.)
you and I are on the same page. Good for you for caring for yourself first.
See All Answers