My dad is experiencing a lot of anguish and stress because he is seeing consequences of his actions (and lack thereof) around his affairs for years (especially financially). I can see the stress weighing on him and can tell that he is getting sicker all the time, and he isn't enjoying his life because of the grief he's experiencing, not only because of the mess he's in but also because he behaved like an ostrich about it for so many years. I am helping him sort things out as best I can, but they're enormous and far-reaching problems that may or may not be resolved before he dies.
I feel angry, frustrated, and sad both for him and for myself. His actions have had rippled effects on me and other family members that have been significant. AND, he's a good guy at heart who made some big mistakes.
My first tendency is to smooth things over and reassure him he doesn't need to be upset because we're dealing with it, but I sometimes don't think that's really the best approach. #1 because it's important to let him feel what he feels but it's also really affecting my wellbeing as his primary co-caregiver, and I don't think I should have to hide that.
Would love to know how others have dealt with your parents' harmful mistakes and/or actions as they near the end of their lives. How do I lovingly hold him to account and help him enjoy the rest of the time he has left, when the reality is he's caused a lot of hurt and strife?
His family suffered( mom, sibling and myself.) and he didn't really seem to care.
I told him he might like to contact one of the pastors, ministers or priests that come to the ALF to care for the spiritual needs of the residents. Anyone but me. I can't carry this stuff anymore. I have also learned to shrug and say oh well.
I think that some of the ‘nobody’s perfect’ ‘forgivers’ have limited experience with what they’re suggesting.
There are antidepressants that specifically target rumination. I would talk to a geriatric psychiatrist about this.
In my case, honestly, the answer that I came to just this morning is, No. What my parents have done and the consequences I have had to pay as a result for them is not forgivable. They weren't simply errors or misguided judgments: they were decades-long strings of poor decisions and lack of decisions founded in denial, neglect, and the shirking of parental and personal responsibility. Their actions and lack of action not only left my sibling and me with permanent disabilities that have hampered the course of our lives: their denial and neglect have resulted in me having to make decisions no one should ever have to make for someone else, including having to set in motion circumstances that will ultimately result in a horrible fate for my sibling.
Knowing I was not responsible for the situation or that there was nothing I could do to change it honestly doesn't help make it any easier to deal with. My parents spent decades avoiding a situation (despite my begging), and now *I* will have to live with what happens next for the rest of my days.
I'm going to make some therapist rich for years to come once I find one, that's for sure. My mental and physical health have been destroyed.
Like you, I've struggled with anger, frustration, and sadness, and the desire for my father to acknowledge the truth, extent, and ramifications of my parents' mistakes. (My mother is deceased.) But he hasn't. He never will. He has dementia now, but there'd be no accountability even if he didn't.
Santalynn noted that "You work with what you have in front of you; some things will be adequate, some things will just be 'cut your losses'." After many months of struggling, I've come to realize the things I have to work with are inadequate. All I can do to save what's left of my self (and my husband and my marriage) is to cut my losses and walk away.
That decision, too, I will have to face until the end of my days. I don't want to cause anyone any more suffering, not even my father. But some actions and hurts cannot be transcended. When a hurt is so large that continuing to be involved with someone translates, in effect, to you allowing your wounds to be reopened again and again and again, that's voluntary torture. The better path for reacting to that kind of situation is to avoid it in the first place.
Forgiveness is a wonderful and noble ideal IF whatever has been done is something actually forgivable. Only you can decide whether it is. But scary as it is, sometimes there is no way to move on except to actually move on.
Can you be honest? Tell him you see his anguish, you both know he’s hurt himself and others, and you’d like to understand why he made the choices he made. If he made selfish choices, what was in his past that bred selfishness? Maybe it’s an opportunity to become wiser.
Or if dad’s just having a pity party, and wants you to attend, why bother?
What could he do about it?
What can you do about it?