We recently lost my FIL and now have my mother in-law living with my husband and I. My sister in-law moved her into our home 2 day's after my FIL death while my husband was still in a terrible state of grief. Basically dropped her off on our doorstep with a garbage bag of clothes (that don't fit her) so we can care for her. Fast forward two months we are now trying to figure out next steps. Due to Covid and lockdowns where we are the option for placing her in a LTC facility is off the table, we really don't want to expose her to anything. I have stepped up to care for her while she is with us, she has an amazing disposition and quite a joy to be with. That being said we still expect my sister in-law to step up and do her fair share of care as she is also POA. I presented the idea of having 6 weeks off this summer so that I can rest, take my 2 week vacation from work before getting back to caring for her full time. She basically said that her 3,000 sqft home was too hard to keep her in and it was not a good solution so we are back to figuring it out ourselves. She was recently in town for a week to gather contents from their home did not visit her mother and took off back home. Both my husband and I are not happy that we are stuck with trying to arrange care to get a break when we feel she should step up and figure it out. Is it wrong that I feel that her own daughter should be stepping up to help HER mother?? While I would never be the type of person to not help, I feel she is taking advantage of both my husband and I. She has been very difficult to deal with and we are thinking of getting mediation to help in our discussions before this tears the family apart.
You are setting yourself up for the 'no' answer when you ask someone to fill in for 6 weeks. Start with your 2 week vacation from work and then add 2 weeks here and there.
Your husband and her need to talk about this. What each of you can do to keep things going without wearing anyone out totally. If mom is mentally functional, can she go back and forth so she can stay with both of her children? I don't understand how a large home is hard to manage mom there - so ask her what she means by that.
Ultimately, she is going to say yes or no to ongoing help. You'll have no choice but to accept it and make your own decision of what to do after that. If mom has money, hire some people to take care of tasks you handle for her. Hire someone to stay in the home while you're on vacation (if sis says no). If sis is POA and there is money, bring that up when y'all talk. If you can't come to relieve me and mom can't go to you, I will need some help to hire people that we can call on to assist as needed.
You have been assumed into the main caregiving role by your husband and his sister, yet you justify your husband's lack of caregiving and bash your SIL. I see that you are being used mostly by him because he doesn't want to wipe mom's bum or let her go to a facility, therefore, you are the obvious choice to step in for him and insure that he doesn't have to do something that he doesn't want to, but, his sister is the scapegoat and bad guy. They both are.
I think that a mediator would be a wonderful idea to help you see that neither of this joyful woman's offspring are stepping up to their, their not yours, responsibility and they, they not you, need to work together for the best interest of their mom. Time for both of them to put their adult undies on and take care of the business at hand.
Get your MIL vaccinated and get her in for a needs assessment, her doctor or the area on aging can provide this assessment. Then you can call both of them in front of the mediator and give them the professionals opinion of the level of care that she requires and make them pull their heads out of the clouds and do what is best for everyone, not just themselves.
I am sorry if what I said is offensive. I think that you are awesome for stepping in to care for this woman and that both her children are responsible for the mess you are currently in, your SIL was out of line just dropping her off and your husband is out of line for placing restrictions on options for facility care, both are dumping on you and forgetting that EVERYONE lost your FIL, no one person's grief is more important than another's, so use mediation and come together as a family to support one another through the grief and pain of death and Alzheimer's.
SIL dropping MIL off on the doorstep was super aggressive & rude.
You demanding SIL be your backup for 6 weeks because it suits You is unrealistic & rude.
Stop bossing each other around like two lionesses & work TOGETHER.
Quit the family squabbles & put MIL's needs front & centre. *What does this recently bereaved widow with Alz actually need?*
Is it something like a stable residence, a regular routine, things she enjoys, company of others & reliable carers?
Work with your DH, all get on the same page & look for that.
Caregiving for her mother is not your SiL's job.
Nor is it yours.
Plenty of people have moved to facilities over the past year despite COVID, so can she.
Reality. Nobody is perfect. Everybody has differing viewpoints and ideas on what to do. Agreement and doing "my part" looks different to each person. That's the reality in most cases. That is frustrating and also the challenge - and the challenge you are facing. Whether or not another should step up more is always going to be an issue.
Those who hold POA, for medical or financial, have legal documentation to act on behalf of the person it is for. Financial POA would require paying bills and doing financial business (move money between accounts, start or stop services, pay for any services or products used by the person...). It is never a requirement to use one's own financial resources to cover bills or services EVER. Those who hold a Medical POA take on responsibility of medical decisions about the person's healthcare issues. It is never a requirement to care for the person in their home or even to provide hands on care at all.
I expect there is some friction between siblings about their mom. I also suspect that you are doing a lot of the heavy lifting when it comes to caregiving right now. Instead of fuming, even subtly feeling irked is resentment, decide with those in your household how to manage this new development. SIL can not just dump MIL on you and expect you to do caregiving and wash her hands of the new arrangement she has thrust on you. That is unethical and probably unlawful. You have to agree to this too. If this is NOT what you agree to, then another living situation must be found for MIL.
Meanwhile, start considering how to make it work. Ask for help from spouse, family, friends, members of faith community. Hire people to help lighten your load. If you need respite for 6 weeks, start researching who will care for MIL at that time - it may not be SIL. Most nursing homes provide respite care.
If you do not or can not continue caring for MIL as you are now AND SIL holds financial/medical POAs, then she needs to be informed that change must happen. Give her reasonable timeframe to find alternative care arrangements for MIL or you can research and give her top 3 recommendations.
& I would tour facilities in your area close by. They have the Covid under more control with vaccines & restrictions...
This should NOT be just shoved in your lap...especially after caring for your FIL...you had NO BREAK from caregiving...& didn’t even agree to it! ...Wow 😳
Do not let SIL push you & bully you around. HUGS 🤗
No one has heard the SIL's side of the story. The poster is absolutely right that the responsibility for MIL should not just have been dumped on them without warning or any discussion about it. In turn it's not fair for families to just assume that a daughter will be have the caregiving dumped on them because they're the convenient choice that's expected.
This family needs to sit down and have a serious talk. If the SIL dropped mom off on her brother's doorstep with a bag of clothes that don't even fit, there's a reason for that kind of indifferent behavior. All three of them need to get together and talk about what it is.
In this situation where there's little to no money as the poster said, getting the SIL to turn over POA probably won't be a problem.
The MIL might very well be eligible for Medicaid. She might even be on it already. The daughter refuses to be the caregiver and won't have her living in her house. The poster and her husband are already getting resentful about not getting help from the SIL and not being able to go on vacation and have weeks off.
The most likely explanation for what's going in here is that no one wants the full burden of taking responsibility for her and having her live with them. It's okay and none should judge them. Guilt and conditioning are making the decisions. Not honesty and reason.
I say it all the time that every caregiving situation has to be done on the caregiver's terms and no one else's. Otherwise it always fails miserably. When someone becomes the convenient choice or the designated caregiver, anger and resentment start showing up early.
The best bet for everyone involved is this situation is to put the woman in a nursing home or an assisted living facility.
If not, would SIL be willing to work with brother for resolution of what to do with mom other than being in your or SIL's home?
Does MIL have resources for a MC facility? If not, will cause more work, but get MIL enrolled in medicaid and find a facility with medicaid beds which can be a challenge.
If husband has access to mom's finances, then hire more help (as much as she can afford) using mom's money until you can get mom's future determined. You can't keep going like this and "this" is guaranteed to get much worse.
Prayer that you all may be able to resolve this peacefully.
My YB and I were both appointed POAs. At no time did he EVER take any responsibility or even question anything I did to manage her finances and care. NEVER. We were also both appointed executors for the will. The bulk of assets were in a trust, no need for a will, but several checks came in, like the facility deposit plus interest, the 2nd stimulus, and TBD the remainder of the 1st stimulus they cut as they used the previous year tax return. He was asked to decline and did so WILLINGLY - the only quick turnaround ever!!! I've managed everything for the last 6 years, despite trying to include both brothers in decisions.
Dropping her off at your doorstep wasn't a very nice thing to do, both for you AND MIL. No idea what the relationship between them was, but why was SIL involved? Did she take MIL in when FIL passed? If she didn't want to provide care or couldn't, she should've at least discussed it with her brother first. From what you've said, you and hubby were providing care (with some hired help too?) prior to FIL passing. Perhaps she felt that should continue? As far as expecting SIL to take up any slack, don't hold your breath. It is what it is, so unless husband can work with his sister, he needs to make decisions for his mother going forward. Since you indicate her dementia is fairly progressed, I would consult with EC atty to see if there's anything that can be done to negate her POA. Perhaps if asked she would willingly revoke it herself (in writing!) That would eliminate any need to consult with her about assets/income or any other decision about MIL's care.
IF mom's only income is SS, he can apply to be Rep Payee (legally this is the ONLY way one is supposed to manage someone else's SS funds.) Also, if her husband's SS was more than hers, she might be entitled to more. If he becomes Rep Payee, SIL would have no access to MIL's income.
If this is her only income and there are no assets (such as bank accounts, house, etc.), then she might qualify for Medicaid. Depending on her needs AND income AND state rules, that could be facility care or some (limited) in home care. Medicare might cover up to 5 days of respite care IF the person is on hospice. Could she be approved for hospice care? Given your description, she might qualify - talk with her doctor. They also provide supplies and necessary medical equipment at no charge as well as some help like bathing and support for the family.
Is there a house or just an apartment? If house, it could be sold to ensure funds for MILs care, either by hiring help or seeking a facility for her. Another good reason to see an EC atty. If apartment, can you either move what items you'd like her to have to your place or storage until residence is decided?
"...I think she should pay for the respite." "...has the responsibility to step up with help or financially until things are settled. This should not fall on my husband an myself only."
NOTE: POA does NOT put any financial or care responsibility on the person/people appointed. It shouldn't fall on you & your husband, but it isn't her "responsibility" and you can't force her to pay. If MIL doesn't have enough income, it would be nice if children could/would chip in but it isn't required.
Maybe your husband and his sister need to sit down TOGETHER to figure this out...I get you're angry about the circumstances, and you have every right to be, but many of your responses seem to have the continuing theme that you think SIL is the solely responsible party. Has it always been this acrimonious between you and your husband and his sister? Has his attitude about taking care of mom been one of "you're the daughter, mom is your responsibility" - especially since you say he is "uncomfortable" with toileting issues...I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but to drop mom off on the doorstep with a bag of ill-fitting clothing sounds rather extreme - like an "I've reached the end of my rope" extreme. Did you and husband think MIL was automatically going to become SIL responsibility once FIL passed, because she is the POA? Being a POA doesn't automatically make you the full-time hands on caregiver, nor should that be the assumption made when someone agrees to POA responsibility!
I agree with the previous posters that, if you and hubby are willing to step into the primary caregiver role, then your husband should be the POA. But that very well might be a moot point, if your MIL has advanced beyond the ability to change the POA. If you truly want to resolve this, I strongly suggest hubby put aside the rancor with your SIL, and work with her to find caregiving arrangements that everyone can live with.
Good luck.
You say that you are the ones who have watched your inlaws deteriorate for years, why was nobody looking at the long game and planning for the inevitable need for a higher level of care at some point?
MIL needed 24/7 care and you stepped up, kudos to you for your compassion and care. I never tried to guilt my sister into providing any hands on care for my mother because I knew that was not her forte; she couldn't, she wouldn't, and if left up to her my mom would have been in a nursing home 5 years earlier. Nonetheless she was free to visit and interact with both of us in the same way she always had without the stress of veiled hints and overt or passive aggressive accusations because I owned my decision, I knew if it became too much the fault was not hers. Yes, covid has been a consideration over the past year but as others have already pointed out it does not need to figure into your future now that vaccines are widely available. Stop nursing your grievances and start planning the next step, it's time.
The OP is where she is; now is the time to work on a solution to the problem, not try and play the blame game. Especially since it's her and hubby's lives that are being the most disrupted.
Especially as there *must* be more to this than meets the eye.
Your SIL, as POA, can make decisions for her mother. But she cannot make decisions for your husband and yourself - she cannot decide that you are it when it comes to your MIL's care. Which makes this whole situation scandalous bullswotsit!!!
First things first though - what's your MIL's state of mind? Is she capable of figuring out and expressing a practical preference about what she would like to do?
Yup! Both my SILs have needed to get that life lesson spelled out. One volunteered her own time plus attempting to roster her sibs +me (cries of it has to be fair...). The other just tried to roster everyone but her!
I found that the Man (trained up to be bossed by sisters) responded like a lion when asked "is Sis your Boss now? Are you her employee? Actually, unpaid employee?" 😉
Boundaries.
Eg Acceptance of the effects of parental mental illness:
may be delt with forgiving compassion by one sibling, denial by another or lifelong struggles with trust for another.
Imo as long as shes POA, any solution is at an impasse.
I think your choices are:
- mom is cognitive and competent to handle her own affairs and she does a new DPOA and name you or your hubs as her new one. This you get done at an elder law attys office and at the same time update any other legal that may need to be done.
- mom maybe not quite cognitive and competent to handle “executive functioning” totally on her own, so mom does a voluntary guardianship naming hubs or you to be her guardian
- mom isn’t competent or cognitive enough to do either, so hubs files for guardianship. The elder law atty needs to be one that also does guardianships. It will have costs, but once it’s awarded to hubs he can use moms $ to pay for the costs that y’all will have to front. Guardianship trumps any POA, so hubs will be able to do whatevers for mom, her assets, where she lives, etc w/out Sissy’s interference
It sounds like his folks have a home that is now sitting there empty? Is that it? Are you able to secure the house?
So when FIL died, did he have a will? And is anything happening to open probate related to his death? Any idea if in the will if Sissy is named Executor? If you know this is the case, IMO you need to move fast to get with an elder law atty as he may need to challenge Sissy getting independent administration on FILs estate. Like maybe she stays executor cause it is what FIL intended as per his will but it’s gets done as a dependent administration, so it’s court supervised which means anything she might do to sell or liquidate assets needs to be cleared by the court and mom (or you as her POA or guardian) need to be made aware any asset liquidation or distribution beforehand.
Is Sissy a big personality? Is it that hubs has always tended to defer to Sissy? S MIL scared of the wrath of her daughter? You know your hubs family dynamics best. If so, your atty will be pretty priceless for you as he can take the lead in dealing with Sissy and removes hubs from the emotion of dealing with her. Good luck and let us know how it goes, ok.
In many families there is often one sibling who grows up as the family scapegoat taking the blame for everything. The one who is the lightening rod and catches all the anger, resentment, bitterness, the parents ever have. In families siblings don't all have the same experience growing up in the house. Many times there is abuse with one of them and the others don't even realize it's going on. In later adult years it's usually the abused sibling (almost always a daughter) who ends up taking the responsibility and being the caregiver to the abusive elderly parent.
I tell you from experience because I've been living it for years.
Please try talking to your SIL. Let her know without getting heated that both of you are upset and resentful of having the responsibility dropped into your laps without warning. At least get her to turn the POA over to you or your husband. Otherwise your hands will be tied and you won't be able to arrange care for mom or manage it. Please have a talk with your SIL.
If you've decided that you and your husband are going to keep mom at your home and be her caregivers, you have options.
If you want six weeks off this summer and want to go on vacation mom can be put into respite short-stay care in a nursing home or LTC. You can hire a live-in caregiver to take care of her for a few weeks in the home. Don't take the option of a nursing home or assisted living off the table. Talk to your SIL too. She very well might be willing to help out some if she knows that she will not have to have mom living with her. Good luck.
My SIL and brother were so mean to me because I wouldn't (couldn't )take in my mom, that for 6 months I couldn't even go visit her. They said nothing to me about their assumptions and refused every offer of help from me which was so awful and left my poor mom wondering what happened to me. It was torture the few times I ventured to go. They were the ones who had offered to take her in after all. Their coldness was excruciating and obviously they thought that because I was the daughter I should have taken her. Never mind my circumstances.
6 mos. down the road things came to a head and we talked.
None of us wanted LTC so we finally agreed to put her in an adult home for a year(all she can afford) while Covid is still going because the adult home doesn't have the same regulations for visiting. Everyone is happy; my mom especially. Talk to you SIL before it is too late to mend things.
If she really won't talk to you then you need to find out what is right for you and it seems you are at your limit now. SIL had 4 hrs. help a day and was still resentful having MIL there. I'm sure my mom is happier without all the tension between families. She loves it where she is.
I wish you he best. There IS a solution.
I'm not saying the sister is evil, but her method leaves A lot to be desired.
Many times a child will just use their parents money and take their things but try to put all the help and work for others to deal with.
Mom pays for the respite with her funds.
After the 2 weeks mom either stays for another 5 weeks or sister can come pick her up.
Placing mom in a facility would result in a quarantine for a time but mom (MIL) will be just fine.
The next thing you do IF you manage the vacation is you need to hire (again mom pays) caregivers that will come in and help care for her as well as do some of the tasks around the house to take a bit of the workload off you and your husband.
If the POA does not want to release the funds you might have to talk to a lawyer.