We recently lost my FIL and now have my mother in-law living with my husband and I. My sister in-law moved her into our home 2 day's after my FIL death while my husband was still in a terrible state of grief. Basically dropped her off on our doorstep with a garbage bag of clothes (that don't fit her) so we can care for her. Fast forward two months we are now trying to figure out next steps. Due to Covid and lockdowns where we are the option for placing her in a LTC facility is off the table, we really don't want to expose her to anything. I have stepped up to care for her while she is with us, she has an amazing disposition and quite a joy to be with. That being said we still expect my sister in-law to step up and do her fair share of care as she is also POA. I presented the idea of having 6 weeks off this summer so that I can rest, take my 2 week vacation from work before getting back to caring for her full time. She basically said that her 3,000 sqft home was too hard to keep her in and it was not a good solution so we are back to figuring it out ourselves. She was recently in town for a week to gather contents from their home did not visit her mother and took off back home. Both my husband and I are not happy that we are stuck with trying to arrange care to get a break when we feel she should step up and figure it out. Is it wrong that I feel that her own daughter should be stepping up to help HER mother?? While I would never be the type of person to not help, I feel she is taking advantage of both my husband and I. She has been very difficult to deal with and we are thinking of getting mediation to help in our discussions before this tears the family apart.
"I am looking after my MIL while working with some help from my husband. She has Alzheimer's/Dementia so she needs help with everything (bathing, eating, dressing, walking etc...)"
and:
"We have zero help and are on 24/7 and I am fearful of losing my job because of the attention during the day that I have to give my MIL"
This sounds pretty dire. "Some help" from your H? And she "needs help with everything"? Better put your foot down NOW before you lose your job!
Is your H of the opinion "no facility for Mama!"? Because if he is, then things are going to be a LOT more difficult, since you will have to change his mind. (And you might have to move out temporarily.)
You didn't have mission creep...seems you jumped right into fullscale operations on the MIL caregiving front! I am also curious about SIL, though...was she taking care of MIL before she dumped her on your doorstep?
You can hire in home aide for MIL or charge for your services but that doesn't guarantee SIL will actually cut the check. I don't know where you live, but in my area, SNF, AL, MC were still admitting residents - I know Mom's AL facility would take in new people, only bad thing is they were locked down in their apartment for 14 days. They are now open for visitors after following the protocols. But again getting her into a facility will be difficult if daughter won't cooperate; unless MIL has access to her own accounts.
I also agree there is nothing you can do to make SIL take care of MIL, her "dumping" her at your door 2 days after FIL's funeral says it all. I'm sorry things are strained. Can you and hubby sit down list out needs and wants, have SIL do the same and sit and calmly discuss without a mediator. Otherwise mediation may be necessary.
I wish you and the family best of luck.
Regardless of how or why the SIL did what she did, doing this doesn't make it right. MIL is not an unwanted "item" to be bandied about. She's not an unwanted "gift" that you can return. She is a person and should be treated as one, not chattel.
What SIL did was wrong, but as the saying goes, two wrongs don't make a right.
You certainly have the option of telling Sis that you charge $25/ hour for caregiving plus all of Mom's expenses, including rent, groceries, clothes and medications should be charged to Mom.
Sis is likely cleaning out the accounts, just so you know.
Mediation is expensive and only useful if both sides agree to go by the mediator's recommendations. We paid $4,000 to a mediator as required by the sales contract when we bought our house. The mediator came, heard everyone's side, made his recommendations, and the seller still said, "Yeah, that's not going to happen. Sue me." That was $4,000 down the toilet.
I'd get an attorney instead. Make Sis provide detailed accountings of the money she spends on Mom's behalf, complete with receipts. Beyond that, stop stressing out about making her help. She isn't going to, and there's no point in adding more stress to your life about it.
Also agree that looking at facilities shouldn’t be a real worry nowadays with over a year of practice at safe procedures and elders getting vaccinated.
You can't force your SIL to do the right thing but you can do what's right for YOU. Assisted Living is also a good option if your MIL has funds to private pay.
Good luck!
We often see comments on this site that the care providing family member should be the one with POA.
Now we do not know any of the back story. Perhaps POA had been providing care to both parents for quite some time and had reached the end of her tether. Perhaps her needs for respite were not being met? We have no idea.
OP, look into respite care for Mum for your summer break. Mum should pay for it out of her own funds.
If your SIL was not caregiving but is the PoA and your MIL is in her right mind or only has very mild cognitive/memory issues I'd take her to the attorney and have her reassign durable PoA to your husband so that he has the legal ability to actually help her. At that appointment I hope she will also complete her Living Will (Advance Care Directive) and her Last Will.
In the end no one can assume or insist or demand that any one person care for another, and your SIL certainly doesn't sound like she's capable of acting in your MIL's best interests. Once your husband has PoA then you can both move forward and not rely on the flaky sister or her "help" or opinions on the matter.
But if your MIL has enough cognitive decline that she can no longer create a new PoA, then that's a totally different answer, so it would be helpful to know what the facts are in your situation.