I've listened to my 94 yr old mother's crazy talk for long enough. Today, I snapped and told her she is imaging these things -- she is hallucinating -- they are not happening in real life. She is now accusing my brother-in-law of breaking into her apartment every night (she SEES him) and stealing anything from her dishwashing detergent to her reading glasses. And he's stealing her mail. And groceries. Now I've tipped her off that we all think she's demented (without using the word, I think I might have said "crazy", yikes). How will we ever get her to realize that Doug (son in law) is not committing these crimes, and that she in fact is in need of help? We've got to get her out of I.L. and into some sort of assisted situation. I'm just shaking, and I realize I just lit the fuse to a huge explosion.
1 - she might not remember - THEN IGNORE THE WHOLE SITUATION - if she can't remember a confrontation like that she needs to be supervised 100% of time
2 - people who see things can be a danger to themselves & others - make sure there are no guns etc that she can get hold of - she may try to 'fix' her problem with BIL by shooting him - or do something to start a fire etc
3 - she needs to be cared for by professionals A.S.A.P. - some meds may help
4 - if mom is 94 then you are probably in your 60's or older - this is a lot at this age - I'm 69 taking care of 92 year old mom who is in an NH - so start looking at you, hubby, BIL, etc - what are all those health issues + mom=stress - that is probably bad overview - get mom secured in an appropriate facility now to relieve the stress on the rest of you
Give yourself a break. She won’t remember. She will scream at me one minute and everything is ok the next.
I cannot afford to put her into a nursing home, like most people say just put her in a home. It’s not always possible.
When you know you are doing all you can then give yourself credit for doing that.
repeat when you have to move her to Memory Care if you have to.
A side note if the Hallucinations are new or more common you might want to schedule a visit with her Doctor to discuss this and the anxiety that goes with it. The hallucinations might be an indication of other problems.
My mother was afraid of someone breaking in which I found to be ridiculous because she lived in a very nice independent living facility. She was taken to the emergency room because supposedly someone broke in and shoved her. I went to her apartment the following day to get her things because the hospital was keeping her for evaluation. When I realized she had chairs against the door I then knew whatever was happening in her mind was fearful. I learned that night that her fears were very real to her - logic no longer applies. The hallucinations, the stories they are real to her if only for moments at a time. This is a hurtful time for you, her and family members. But at the same time it is an unknown territory for all of you.
There is a very tough journey ahead for you but know there is some help.
The right medications will help and the right facility is important. But it may take quite a while for her to realize she is in a different and safe place. Personally, I have found it helpful to visit more often but keep visits short. No long discussions or arguments. Things don’t make sense to any of you but try to realize how scared she probably is.
Good luck to you and this daily site is very comforting I think.
It is human to reach our limits, and completely understandable when we feel guilt for what we’ve said or done. Mom WILL forget what happened.
Let it go. You have a long road and a lot of work ahead of you to support your Mom through the progression of dementia and aging.
I agree with others that a medical assessment is an important first step. Schedule Mom to see a geriatrician if available, and request a neuropsychiatric evaluation if possible.
The sooner a doctor can identify the nature of the dementia/problem, the sooner Mom can get the appropriate care and possibly medications.
Start looking for assisted living or a nursing home. But, don’t do it alone. Enlist the assistance of a local or state agency on aging, a social worker or case manager, and be ready to consider an application to Medicaid.
Remember to be kind to yourself. Best of luck to you.
Welcome to our world--you are human!
Big hug!!!
My mom was in IL when they shifted into higher gear. Staff at IL brought it up when it started to present issues for them. Like mom called the police more than once and wanted another resident arrested for stealing. Ah fun times. I got mom (slightly older than yours) moved from IL to a NH within about 5 mos of the police calls incidents. She did NOT do AL phase but did the jump to hyperspace from IL to NH. Really you may want to look into moving having her assessed for needing a higher level of care & be proactive in this before it becomes a crisis situation & she has a 30 Day Notice to move from the IL.
If your not not sure what type of dementia she has, you might want to google Lewy Body Dementia. It’s pretty different at earlier phases than Alzheimer’s. Lewy keep them very high functioning in thier ADLs so they seem very very ok (like can manage at their home or in IL) but have episodes of false beliefs. Personally i think these happen when there’s a plaque breakdown in their brain or a TIA happens. For us, Excelon was the drug of choice for Lewy & worked well for early & mid stages. Some psych / behavior meds should NEVER ever be given to those with Lewy so you do need to try to determine which dementia she probably has. My mom saw a teaching hospital based gerontology group for diagnosis and stage testing and she was totally Lewy by thier standards.
Hallucinations with animals and a shuffling (flat footed) walk and Visual distortions (like flooring & roads look different than they actually are) are all hallmarks of Lewy. Good luck.
What assessments have been done, though, remind me? Has your mother seen a neurologist or any other kind of specialist?
It sounds like she definitely has dementia.
God bless you!
Adult Child Support Group
When – Meets the last Tuesday of each month, 5:15 – 7:15 p.m.
Where – Banner Alzheimer’s Institute, 901 E. Willetta St., Phoenix, First Floor Education Room
You can call APS (adult protective services) and they will visit your mother and do a needs assessment. That's an excellent starting place. I know this is overwhelming. There's little we can do for our elders other than get them well taken care of in a safe place. There's a lot that can be done for us in dealing with the difficult emotions that come losing a parent while there are right in front of us. The meeting is this coming Tuesday. Hope to see you there.
Please tell everyone you know about D-Mannose, because antibiotics are so bad for you in most cases. I always had UTI,s and must have taken antibiotics for ten days each time. I had the UTI’s about once every three months from age 18 to 45, until I found out about this miracle stuff! By the way, it stops the UTI pain and burning and fever within about 30-45 minutes. It truly is a miracle! Oh, and it works like this: Bad bacteria get into the urethra( the tube that urine flows out of from the bladder) and they hold on to the mucosal lining. That causes inflammation and pain. When you take the D-mannose, the bad bacteria like it and hold on to it and get flushed out with the urine. It’s as simple as that! Good luck and God bless!
very good advice, btw.
My mother has spent the last 72 yrs of her life only seein* a doctor for childbirth 40 plus years ago. She recently had a stroke in May. She will argue about EVERYTHING to ANYONE. I have realized that when I look back at her behavior through the years she has always been stubborn. We fight, argue and yes she goes off the rails, thinks she lives in a jail cell, and is treated like a child 80% of the time. The fact that she is NOT living with you is a miracle.....my mother does live with me and has for some time. I have found that either A. I become a raving lunatic because of all this or
B. I treat her like I would a stranger when she has these terrible days.
I keep the positive because the negative can swallow you whole.
At this point there might be the ability to do what I did with my mother......Make the doctors appointment......let them know how this might go.....and if you cannot get them to come to her....have her meet them in their parking lot if possible. You see, I have found that with my stubborn argumentative mother......she was just SCARED....plain and simply SCARED.... You might need to remind yourself that when she was younger.....doctors were the devil. You only went to them if you were dead, dying, or missing a limb period. From one daughter to another ........ This is hard but remember....YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK!!!!!!
Do you spot the obvious circular problem in that question?
Stop waiting for your mother to realise anything. She has dementia (possibly other things too, or even instead, I should ask her PCP to investigate uti's for example) and she is therefore necessarily not going to realise.
Please don't think I don't feel for you. I will never forget the misery of addressing my mother in front of her GP and hearing myself say "and sometimes, frankly, you're just barking - !" Mother didn't show any sign of offence, and our lovely doctor stifled a smile, but the fact remains that you feel a heel spelling it out like that.
Mind you, if your mother has got to 94 with no prior history of dementia and no obvious underlying causes of it and this current situation is therefore exceptional for her, I should find out more about what's going on before you despair. How long has the crazy talk been happening?
Her anger, fits of rage and depression continues to get worse. We told mom on Tuesday that she was still going to get charged for the appointment if we don’t show up to the neurologist. Mom went but became belligerent, very angry and started screaming and she needed to be moved into a back room.
Yesterday things got so bad - she has a caregiver that is with her - that the crisis center and police were called. She is now at the hospital where she is being assessed.
I just spent an hour on the phone with the hospital psychiatrist. Mom does have a UTI that can cause some of these issues, but it’s time to take the bull by the horns and help your mom.
As hard as it is, remember that this isn’t the person you knew. She can’t help it. It’s like she is on this very dizzy merry-go-round with no way off. She’s scared and everything is a jumbled mess.
We, on the other hand, can get off the vicious circle.
Make sure you are the medical POA and POA for for money. I’m now fighting with my brother who is the POA for mom’s money. I’ve been working hard to get her into a memory care facility, but my brother has done underhanded things. I’ve now sought out an attorney.
Hang in there. Work on getting mom to a doctor however you have to. Most importantly - take care of yourself. This for us is a stressful and upsetting time yet we need to help them to hopefully live out their last remaining years on this earth happy and with dignity - in the best environment being cared for by staff that will ensure her every need.
God bless.
I think at some point we've all been there. I definitely have been there and back and back again. This maniacal behaviour drives even family members crazy not knowing what is going on in their loved one's mind because either she's not seeking the help and/or is able to deny anything is wrong. Someone she trusts needs to go with her to a doctor's appointment so you can discuss treatment for this behavior especially being at her age. It could possibly be a UTI. Elderly react in this way instead of the common signs of fever and constant minimal urine output. After stepping away from the situation, you realize theres more to it than that. If you join her at an appointment, you would be able to help the doctor understand what she's experiencing as well as everyone else and receive proper care via medication, counseling and necessary tests. Hang tight and dont forget to breathe.
Also, does anyone have medical POA? If not, it would probably be wise to talk to an attorney and seek emergency guardianship once you are able to talk to the doctor and get a diagnosis. It doesn't sound like she is mentally competent, and she will need someone to advocate for her with regard to her health and make sure she is in a living environment suited to her needs.
You also could report what is happening to Adult Protective Services and ask them to investigate. I would treat it as an emergency for a couple of reasons. Having hallucinations and a lapse with realty can be very scary and confusing to the patient. It can cause emotional and mental distress that is not healthy.
And, the hallucinations or delusions may cause her to hurt herself, due to her believing they are real. We had a family friend who was frightened because he thought many children were running around in his home. He ran outside into the street, fell, fractured his hip and never recovered.
I'd go online to You tube and look at videos by Teepa Snow about dementia. If that is what she has, she needs help, medical care and supervision. Trying to convince her to stop thinking that way, stop having hallucinations, stop saying certain things, is really not going to work and in fact, just make things worse. I'd work on ways to comfort her and help her feel less scared. She's likely afraid to tell you how scared she is.