We live in NJ and are retired. Anita is a 68 year old previous work friend of mine who I socialized with over the last several years who lives in CT. She is an independent single person who lives alone. She lives near her best friend, an older woman who she asked to be her primary POA. Anita has asked me to be her "back up POA" but I am leery about taking this on. Anita pays all her bills by mail and has nothing set up on a computer and despite being her "friend" we have been the ones who always entertained her which we didn't mind, but we have never been invited to her apartment. Previously when driving from NJ to Cape Cod we couldn't even drop by for a pit stop. Weird. She has some relatives in CT who she says she does not see often. When dealing with my mother's affairs I saw how even with a POA it was difficult to manage another person's affairs (ie social security not accepting POA's) How can I tell her I don't want to take on this responsibility, especially at a distance without offending her?
You can fib and say that you are already a POA for 3 aging relatives and cannot be for her as well. You would be available to provide advice if needed, but prefer not to be a formal POA.
It isn't like this has been a lifelong friend, or even really a "good" friend. Just say No.
If she says "oh, it's only a back up, I'm sure it'll never happen" then point out that this applies just as much to her distant relatives. Who will always be her relatives, come what may, whereas you and your better half may decide to emigrate - who can say.
I don't want to take on any more commitments "of this nature" now.
Thanks for asking" - is enough.
A person doesn't want to get into a back-and-forth, "oh . . . but . . ."
IF a person needs to be pushed or convinced to do this, it is a sign they should not be taking on this responsibility.
If it was anyone other than a parent or spouse, I would RUN in the other direction. Don't do it. You have enough responsibilities on your plate.
Now I'm the sole successor Trustee, so at least there was nothing for probate, but I can't close out the estate until next May. Apparently there is no such thing as easy or straight ahead; even a simple estate is complicated. Best of luck.
And if you don't think you would be comfortable doing it just let her know.
A friend recently commented (about my relatives), "They ARE drowning and they will pull you down with them if you let them." No thanks.
When I retired thought great I don't have to think anymore! No month end closings, no dealing with customers. Just Veg out. Then I found that Mom had dementia. I took over paying her bills. Dealing with anything she no longer could. Then figuring out if she had enough money for an AL. Pinching every penny. Forms for Medicaid and everything that went with it. Keeping records. Dealing with a house that needed lots of work.
I would not do it again.
Because BIL lived 8 hrs away my MIL had assigned him POA and Executor. When she passed she had a home to get rid of and personal belongings. My brother in law asked if one of the brothers would take over. He was still working the other two, one my husband, were not. I declined for my husband, because he is almost deaf. Living 16 hrs away meant that I would be making the phone calls and trying to deal with realtor's and banks. Told BIL sorry no. I was already helping a mother who lived in her own home and POA for both her and a disabled nephew that I had helped to set up a Special Needs Acct and help him obtain an annuity and SSD. I was tired of all the paperwork. I had no problem saying NO.
be well all, and have a safe thanksgiving!
After passing it wouldn't be a concern for the POA. That responsibility ends at TOD (BUT, might those busybodies make accusations about how the finances were handled?)
I know what it takes/has taken to be the POA for my mother, 6+ years now, still going... Even though YB was also appointed POA, there was no hierarchy, but he doesn't do anything - all on my plate. To do this for someone who is more or less just an acquaintance? Nope. My brothers question ANYTHING, they are going to hear it all, as neither has been very helpful and certainly not supportive, so they can go pound sand! In this case, to have to deal with relatives, no thank you.
As a friend once said when invited to something, "Sorry, I have to wash my cat."
"I cannot possibly do that".
I realize it may feel awkward to say no to her, but you can always follow it up by giving her other viable options, like suggesting a fiduciary or an attorney. She should create a Living Will and give it to her doctor so those decisions are pre-made by her.
I'm going to venture a guess that the reason she doesn't want you to see where she lives is because she's a hoarder. That would also explain why her family isn't willing to cover for her. Regardless, she deserves praise for having the wisdom to get her affairs in order!
I think NotGoodEnough's suggestions were spot on, delicate but firm.
The inability to see her apartment, and apparently learn more about her lifestyle, is to me a troubling sign.
Great response!
Actually, you are more of an acquaintance than a close friend.
You have only had a casual friendship with this person.
All of us have casual friends and we do not have intimate bonds with them that we naturally form with our close friends.
Plus it is an unwanted responsibility for you to take on this task.
It’s difficult to accept this responsibility with people that we are close to, it would be worse with someone that we aren’t close with.
So politely decline by tactfully explaining that you simply aren’t willing to assume any legal position in her life.
My sister asked me some time ago if I would be the executrix of her estate when she passed; I asked her "you mean should your husband die before you?". She told me "no, he's not good at that kind of stuff." I told her I was not comfortable for the same reasons I listed above, and I wasn't willing to take on that job.
Good luck.