Should I continue to help my Mothers roommate in the assisted living facility?
About a month after my mother went to a assisted living memory care facility a roommate was added to her room, which I clearly understood was going to happen when my mother moved the facility. The lady they moved in was in pretty bad shape when she arrived and did not have any family to help her. She had no possessions, not even clothes, and the only relative who would have anything to do with her is her very elderly mother who is not in good shape herself. So, I gave the lady clothes, blankets, a nightstand, tissues, shoes, reading glasses...it goes on and on. Also, I buy about $60.00 worth of drinks and snacks a week, which my mother shares with her. She also uses my mothers cell phone and watches my mothers TV and Netfilx. I've been glad to help her and I've done everything she asked. I've talked with her elderly mother a couple of times who is really kind and appreciative. However, now she is having some sort of trouble with her finances and getting the money from her account to pay her bills. She only has a debit card with some online bank and no checking account. Now she is asking me to take her to Walmart so she can get money orders to pay her room and board at the facility. I don't feel comfortable with this at all because I think this is something her power of attorney should help her with. However, it appears she as refused a power of attorney and the situation between her and the facility manager has become complicated. I told her mother I was glad to help her, but could not get involved in her personal financial matters. The ladies daughter wants nothing to do with her and her elderly mother is in quite despair over the whole thing now. I just can't start putting her in my car once a month and driving her to tend to her financial matters, I just can't. It's not my place. Although her family has completely disowned her, somebody need to step in and help this lady. I'm contemplating asking the facility manager to move my mother to another room, but they get along well and are good company to each other. What should I do? Is there any organization I can refer her to to get some help with her situation?
I would keep her and your Mom in the same room, sounds like an excellent fit. They seem to get along so well. The next roommate might not.
I bet your want to know the back story on this woman. It must be very difficult for her mother to come see her daughter in Assisted Living. Wonder if this daughter was a caregiver for her own mother.
B/c of the fact that taking her to get money orders does involve money, I would stay away from that entirely. You write that her family has disowned her; that should be a clue to a negative family relationship. And even though they've disowned her, that doesn't preclude them from holding out their hands after she's gone. You don't want to be any part of having taken her anywhere that involves any kind of financial issue - you could be accused of having designs on her finances.
She needs to find someone else to help her.
I'm also not sure why she would be needing money orders; couldn't her room and board be paid directly from her checking account? I'm assuming she's on SS. If not, she must have some source of income, as apparently she's paying room and board herself, and no insurance is involved. Direct deductions could be arranged, I'm sure.
Another troubling aspect is that you wrote she had no possessions, no clothes...what was her situation before? Was she homeless? There's definitely a backstory with her.
I think the whole thing that troubles me though is the disowned status with the family; I can't help thinking there's more going on with this woman than meets the eye; you don't know what the family situation is, or how sincere or even manipulative this woman is. But I'm guessing there's a lot more going on that hasn't been told.
If you're uncomfortable being frank or asking to have your mother moved, invent a new job that precludes you from spending any more time with anyone but your mother. And don't buy anything more for her.
I'd also find a way to check your mother's cell phone logs to see who she's calling. It wouldn't surprise me if there are some unsavory aspects to her life, and you definitely don't want your mother dragged into these via cell phone use.
It wouldn't surprise me if this "reliance" on others is a pattern with this woman. She might be a perennial user.
For me, the clue is in the Assisted part of Assisted Living Facility. I don't care how flaming complicated it's got, it is for the managers of the ALF to assist their resident. It is not for you to feel in any way responsible for helping her - in fact it could turn into a minefield, and you should stay out of it - although it is nice of you to have helped this lady settle in, and it is nice that she and your mother are good room-mates.
I am sorry for the lady's elderly mother, and I can see it must be hard for you not to want to assist. But no, really don't. There are legal standards and contractual obligations at work here, and you shouldn't meddle.
What is she planning to use to buy the money orders at Walmart with that can't be paid directly to the facility? Big old rat carrying a red flag here.
The more I think about this I think it might be better to start thinking about getting a different roommate. Your mother may like this one, but I have a feeling, perhaps just a gut feeling rather than one that's substantiated, that that situation could change when you take a stand against doing favors for her.
And reading your last post about the prior substance abuse problem, I'm even more concerned about letting her use your mother's cell phone.
No wonder this roommate came in with just the clothes on her back... sadly she probably sold everything she own for drugs.
And the story about wanting to go to Walmart to get money orders to pay for her room sounds not quite right. Chances are the State is paying for her care, not her. Those money orders are for something else, something you do not want to get involved with.
So I change my vote to "yes" for Mom changing roommates. You had very good intentions with the roommate wanting to help her. I'd probably would have done the same thing.
Ask them if it's wise to continue this sort of assistance. I believe that they will be able to figure out a way to let you know what is going on.
It is amazing though, and unfortunately, how devious people can be when it comes to illicit activity.
Or were you joking about not being comfortable any longer, and are you more comfortable now?
If a roommate showed up in my mom's facility with no clothes or personal effects, i would consult with the social worker and administration about how they were planning to get her needs met.
You are a dear heart to have this concern for your mother's roomate.
Beyond what you have done for her, it seems enabling and preventing her from receiving any help from the programs that offer assistance.
If you step back and wait, they will be required to step up.
Put the approximate $150/ mo. you will save on snacks for Mom aside for her needs-a fancy walker, wheelchair, a scooter, a little nicer than would be covered by insurance?
Or, a little respite care-you pay someone to visit and watch out for Mom while you take a vacation away.?
Or, keep on giving whatever you feel called to give willingly, but not out of your Mom's funds. I do understand this type of sacrificial giving.
How is your Mom?
I'm surprised that so many people are giving you such specific advise. They mean well, l'm sure, but no one really knows this woman or her family history. So why assume that she is trying to use you or that she must of been an abusive neglectful parent who deserves to be abandoned by her children. I've been a psych nurse for forty years and I' ve seen families of all kinds.
What I do know from your story is that you have shown her kindness and generosity, and have been compassionate. Isn't that what we are supposed to do for each other?
Sometimes children do abandon their parent just because they don't want to be bothered, are selfish or just don' t care. It happens more than you might think.
That being said, something has changed with this for you. You are uneasy about requests to become involved in more,much more, personal issues and responsibilities with This woman. That's because you have healthy boundaries, and personal integrity. I'm glad you said no. It's the right answer for you and your mom, and she's the one you're there for. You always have the right to say no.
As for moving your mom, if she is capable and safe, ask her what she wants.
And finally, there are many caregiver support groups in most community. Ask the staff, social worker, your pastor or nearby hospitals.This is a hard job you are doing and you also deserve a safe place to get support and understanding.
Your mother is fortunate to have such a loving daughter
Knittynurse is right, I have to consider what my mother wants before I start talking about changing rooms and separating them since they have become friends.
The money I spend on snacks for them comes out of my own budget. Plus I pay over $600 per month out of pocket to cover my mom's room and board there. I don't mind, she's not heavy...she's my mother.
Yes, my mother and I had our differences through the years, but that never excused me doing the right thing when she could no longer care for herself. The good book says, "Honor your father and mother...." It doesn't go on to say, "..oh, and by the way, it's going to be really easy."
There is something wrong with our society. There are too many "elder orphans" in this country.
You asked in a previous post what could make a daughter want nothing to do with her mother. Well, in my family of nine boys and three girls (last 3 births) these daughters want nothing to do with their mother. All 3 are now in forty-something. Mother is 78. I, the babyboy, now 51 have cared for mother fulltime for the last SIX years; leaving my easy street living in Atlanta to return home in Maryland after father passed seven years ago.
They will not visit, call, send birthday card, Christmas stocking, nothing.
For the life of me I cannot understand what mother could have done to make them act this way. They cry over father's grave on Father's day and post pictures to Facebook, but not a Boo on Mother's day.
It used to upset me, but now I am grateful they stay away. Nevertheless, I know if affects mother's health. She used to say, "they act like they don't have a mother". The years have passed and she doesn't say much anymore.
We enjoy life as if I am an only child taking in Royal Caribbean cruises, NYC Broadway plays and travel up and down the east coast. With her health declining, so have our trips.
___I concur with fellow caregivers, avoid this woman like the plague. I had to look up Blanche DeBois. Wow, how appropriate. Anyone arriving with nothing and no one has made their bed hard. Be careful how you treat others in life, we never know where this journey will take us.
Yes, the good book says, honor mother & father...that your days may be long on earth. Some people don't care about long life. In the case of an abusive parent, truthfully, I would honor them with my goodbye. Life is toooooooooo short.