I have a friend whose mother (only in her 70's) has reached the point where she doesn't recognize her. We work in another country, but she goes home regularly. Her mother also no longer recognized her sister who sees her regularly. When she returns from a trip home she is absolutely crippled with depression. She feels guilt for not being there (and her sister helps by berating her for working abroad, but she has no other option right now). She is a lovely, kind person. Can you please give me some advice on how best to help her? She literally will disappear for over a week when she comes back (can't even get out of bed to come to work). It is terrible to see her suffering so horribly. Thank you
Your friend's sister is sad and angry, and is using your friend as an emotional punchbag. But as you tell us that the sister visits the mother regularly, we know at least that the sister is not the primary caregiver: so although the sister may feel that she is carrying the greater burden, there isn't anything practical that your friend should be doing that she isn't doing.
"Grief is the price we pay for love." Your friend's suffering in itself demonstrates that she is a good, loving daughter.
What kind of company do you work for? Are you able to be your friend's advocate at work, and perhaps arrange some kind of pastoral support for her there? Are they understanding about her absences? Is she able to function when she is at work?
It is very difficult to help someone who has a real problem for which there is no real help. Being there, inviting but not forcing her to talk, these are probably things you're already doing. But don't underestimate how important they are.
I wonder if you're wondering whether the regular trips home are a good idea, or if your friend might do better to avoid them. It's something to discuss, but whether or not your friend visits her mother she is still going to feel the loss either way.
Certainly, though, you can help her guard against the sister's accusations by reminding her that lashing out is not the same as being right. You can understand the sister's feelings, that is, without agreeing with what she says.
Poor lady. But she is lucky to have you on her side.