My father has been in and out of mine and my sister's lives our entire lives. He had a heart attack back in 2013 which the doctor said it was brought on by his stress and his drinking. I'm pregnant and I'm at the end of my rope trying to keep peace in my house. Please help me.
I'm 24 my Husband and I are constantly fighting about my Dad now. My Dad seems to be purposely trying to put us against eachother most days.
He's tried killing himself so many times in the past I don't know what to do and what will push him and he puts on such a good face for the doctors. My mother, his first ex- wife, says I should try and get one of his siblings to take him in. None have been involved this entire time. My older sister won't get involved but constantly rags on me and tells me how much I'm messing up. He has no where else to go except a nursing home but I can't bring myself to do it. I'm his last hope and he's talking down to me like he always has and treats us like a crash pad. He's killing himself doing all all this and it's like he doesn't care.
Nobody will judge you for getting your dad healthy again--most of us would have brought a seriously ill father into our homes--for a period of time, but not at the detriment of the rest of the family.
I like the idea of the nice dinner--and the ultimatum. IDO NOT give him another chance., It seems mean, I know to kick a person who is so ill (but so ungrateful) out of your life, but it happens all the time.
A dear little friend of mine has POA over her alcoholic father, She finally got tough with him 2 years ago, sold his hoarded, rodent filled home., took over his finances and moved him to a small studio apartment. She takes care of all his needs, but does it all in one half day a week. She is sick of his alcoholism and the drain it took on her, all her life. He is dying and she is done with him. He simply will not stop drinking and she is done caring about it. She has a small family and they come first.
Only you can choose how much you want to be in his life. AS POA you can either have that enacted and take over your father as his court appointed guardian or have it given to someone else.
You are not “his last hope”. He’s already chosen to expend that promise on booze, and you know that he DOESN’T care.
His caring does NOT make him your job. Put him into a residential setting, wait two weeks for him to adjust, plan a ten minute visit, and if he behaves as he was while he was freeloading in your home, LEAVE and give him another 5 minute visit.
Third time if he STILL isn’t behaving is THREE STRIKES YOU’RE OUT.
To ignite, or tomorrow night at the very latest, make a nice dinner for you and your husband, explain to him that you’re taking your life back, and tell him how very much you love him for putting up with your father as long as he has.
THEN DO IT! Your life, and your baby’s life, and your older child’s life, are ALL WORTH IT.
Caring for someone who is not grateful or respectful IS NOT.
Bunches of hugs and good luck to you. Have courage, and give yourself and your family the freedom that you and they deserve.
I truly hate it when we hear self-righteous people trying to define what constitutes 'real' caregiving. My mother lives in a Memory Care ALF and I've been told that I'm not a 'real caregiver' but guess what? I am. Because I am there for her all the time, make all the medical, financial and personal decisions for her, and am the go-to person for EVERYTHING. I've been the only person caring for 2 parents since 2011 and feel burned out, frankly, yet am told I'm not a real caregiver? Come on!
You did and do LOTS of 'right' things for your dad and I applaud your efforts.........especially when everyone else ran the other way! Listen to Geaton here as she is advising you on how to proceed with your dad's placement. Good luck!
I understand that you want to save your father, but you can't do that. He's chosen his life and he's chosen the way he's going to die. It's unfortunate that he's made these life choices, but he has. Now don't let him drag YOU down with him.
Just remember that you will not stop being his daughter once he moves out of your home; you will just stop being his 'crash pad' and his doormat. You don't deserve that. He may be in a state of mind where he 'can't help it', but let him it 'not be able to help it' elsewhere. You've done enough.
Best of luck!
The children will be better off if they aren't around him.
Are you his guardian? His POA/HCPOA?
You owe so much more to your husband and baby than you do to your father. You do not have to be his ....what? Caregiver? Why is he living in your house? Does he have a job? All you've said is that he had a heart attack brought on by his stress and drinking. Is he still drinking?
You owe dad nothing. Find a placement for him and move him out. He shouldn't be too shocked by the fact you can do this.
You cannot change him or his behavior, but you can change yours.
Dad is toxic--and using you. You asked and answered your own question.
Good Luck and take care.
You must concentrate on yourself. No one else can do that for you. If you lose your happiness right now because of someone else's terrible life and outlook, that would be such a pity.