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Divorce him now if possible. You don't want the financial burden and responsibilities of a terribly ill and totally uncooperative spouse. Then, with less burden, you can involve yourself as much with his care as is possible and agreeable to you. In fact, this may be a problem with his current dependence, I would seek good legal advice from a divorce/elder care ? attorney concerning your choices at this time as to responsibilities. Sorry for the mess you all find yourselves in.
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Please get him hospitalized so that his blood sugar and the health-related complications can be addressed. Ask case management or social services to place him into a skilled nursing facility. Placement is easier to do when he is hospitalized. Then, get out of this abusive relationship. Make it a priority get your own health and life needs cared for no matter what happens with your spouse.
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Cover999 May 2022
41 is kind of young to be in a NH
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It sounds like your husband has mental disabilities (dementia Alzheimer’s) if he needs a man diaper, has an unruly personality, and picks at his skin. Is he not able to walk to make it to the bathroom or a porta potty close by? What would happen if you fed him (leave food too), changed him, and then left for the day? Would or could he do anything for himself? If he is that sick and you can’t care for him and he can’t care for himself, he needs to be in a nursing home or you need home care. Contact your Social Services Department and get the paperwork started for Long-term Medicaid so that you can get him in a Nursing Home. Take him to a doctor for an evaluation for his mental health. There is a series of tests that they can give him. If he gets violent and you are in fear for your life, call the police and have them take him to the hospital. Hospice should be able to help change him and give him medication for his anger and depression issues while at home if qualified. It does sound like he may be at the end of his life. I would work full time (get a seated job) and pay for a part time person to come in to change, clean, and feed him. At least you wouldn’t have to deal with that all the time. Before you seek a divorce, check to see if you would get any of his pension if he passes away. You don’t want to lose out on that. You will need it. Never mention your inheritance to anyone right now! Don’t be afraid to reach out to available Services and make a ruckus to get help. Take care of yourself and join a weekly weight loss support group-don’t be afraid. You will meet new friends. Get out every day even if you just go for a walk with your dog to the park. Do it every day! I pray for strength and peace for you. Know that you are not alone. You can do this!
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Cover999 May 2022
He is in all likelihood depressed. Many depressed people don't care much about hygiene and/or where or when they go to the bathroom. I've been near people who sadly smelled like poop even though a bathroom, with TP, soap and water were nearby.
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I sympathize with your current situation. The best thing you can do for him and it's unfortunate because it's only one side to the story but I seen it before so I'll believe your situation.
The best thing for you to do.. is get him the best facility you possibly can for him.

Just remember, If he's depressed now, imagine what he'll be once you leave him for good and he's in a facility.

So your situation is a double edged sword. As long as you feel in your heart you did the best possible thing for him out of love not haste then you should be ok..
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So very sorry Sunset. It will be a challenge at first but I suggest you see an attorney and keep this confidential. You never know who will intrude and warn your husband. Imagine his behavior if he still has you under his thumb before you have your exit plan in place.

Sounds like your husband has checked out of the marriage and sees you as his 24/7 nurse, not a cherished spouse. Without you working yourself to death he WOULD be best suited for skilled nursing facility. I’m certain you will not surprise your attorney with your story and they will guide your steps to protect your assets. He will also have info with resources for husband’s placement and support. There may even be support for you to break the news to him when you’re ready to regain your life. It will be ugly. You’ve done enough. You deserve that condo you dream of and keep your eyes onto a peaceful future.

I wish you the very best.
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LongShot56 May 2022
Totally agree with confidential plan to get legal advise to protect yourself. You need a safe sound exit plan for your survival. You need to get out of this marriage and protect your inheritance. Yes - you have done enough and now you need to save yourself.
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To be honest - it sounds like your husband may not have a lot of time left if he is on dialysis. I can certainly understand how you are feeling - but I would be more inclined to try and get some respite for yourself and try and get some accommodation without having to use your inheritance money. I am not sure what country you live in (I live in Australia) but there most be some local organization you can turn to for help or even advice. I would think carefully about walking out on your husband at the moment .... I feel you may regret it later. At least you know you have done your best. Sending lots of love to you and hugs.
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I send you my best wishes towards your new life. You have a plan and going forward you will find the answers any roadblocks ahead. Somethings will go without a hitch others will be bumpy and a few will seem insurmountable.
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"He got fired from physical therapy and all his doctors call me to vent. "

What do they expect YOU to do?

When do you expect to actually receive your inheritance? Is it in a trust or an estate? Who is the executor/successor trustee? Is their property that has to be sold? Do you know for sure how much you will be getting?

In another post you wrote that your H refuses to hire caregivers. Does he have the money to do this? And if you were to have to leave immediately, do you have access to any funds?

The other post also stated "I hate changing my husband's disgusting poop/diarrhea diapers 12 times a day," UGH YUCK.

I am so sorry that the extreme stress of this has caused you to become morbidly obese. You must get yourself in shape and healthy for your new life. YOU CAN DO IT!

Please keep us updated -- we care about YOU!!!
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My husband never got to this point but was well on his way when I left and filed for divorce. His health was declining due to Diabetes 2 and, in his 40's, he was wearing diabetic stockings. My college-aged son came to me one day in tears, asking "Is Dad dying?" My husband wouldn't work on his health issues and he was getting nasty, alienating friends in the process. He would not attend marriage counseling, though I asked many times. When he finally agreed, he said basically nothing during our session. I decided enough is enough and I got myself an apartment and an attorney. I do not regret my leaving one bit. And I believe my leaving kicked his butt into gear to finally work on his health issues. Had I not left when I did, I probably would have been in a similar situation as yours. Take care of YOU!
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Cover999 May 2022
Sounds like "No More Tears" by Donna Summer and Barbera Streisand
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He should be qualified for Medicaid and a nursing home. Make sure that inheritance is not in a countable, community asset. If necessary, get advice from a Medicaid attorney, although it seems straightforward enough that you shouldn't have to. But definitely reach out to your local government's social services department about NH care for your husband.
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and don't give him any of your money, you are going to need all you can get to get your life back. and as someone said in one of the answers don't put it into any accounts that have anything to do with him,
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sounds like a horrific situation, lose weight take care of your health and hold on to your money - so when the time is right you can start a new life
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If your husband is mentally incapacitated then quite possibly a care facility would be best for the both of you.

I would be careful with the funds from your inheritance. I would not put them in a joint account because if he goes into a facility under Medicaid they likely will take any assets he has under his personal or joint accounts.

As for leaving him, I cannot advise you. I certainly understand your feelings of helplessness and desperation. I too would feel that way. Talk with a local pastor and/or therapist. Get some advise and encouragement from them.

Praying all goes well for you!
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Yes . He sounds negligent in his behavior and ready for a NH . Get a divorce lawyer . Find a Place to stay and Buy that condo . Its summer - Maybe you could camp . On FB there is a group Host a Sister that helps woman In a abusive situations . There are Air B and B s and hotels by the week . Make your Plan and keep it to yourself . I find objects and items dont mean Much when leaving a abusive situation just a duffle bag of clothes and a car . Keep that nest egg for yourself and Only yourself in a Bank account and start looking for that Condo . Find a realtor . I have started a diet of salad , greens , avocados and rice . Tea and water . You Can do it . Go enjoy the world .
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Hi, I believe you should leave to save yourself, if you stay you will further subject yourself to a life that will seriously impair your ability to leave in the future when you may be less able to leave. Your husband has mostly chosen to be difficult with you and this is further compounded by his father's presence in his life. Saving oneself when the writing is on the wall is salient, having your sanity intact and allowing for your recovery from a relationship that has taxed you, this both honourable and necessary. I wish you well.
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What Isthisrealyreal wrote is imperative - when you get that inheritance money, put it in an account IN YOUR NAME ONLY. Most states consider an inheritance the sole property of the person who inherited, and not part of marital/community assets UNTIL and UNLESS it is comingled between spouses - ie. a joint bank account, or a purchase, such as a house, in both names. Then it becomes a community asset and may be split as such in a divorce settlement.

Park that money in an account that is in your name only. Then see a divorce attorney to get an idea of all of your options. THEN make the decision about whether or not to divorce your husband. Make sure your interests are protected before you make any decisions.

Good luck!
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DON'T PUT ONE DIME OF THAT INHERITANCE IN A JOINT ACCOUNT.

That money belongs to YOU alone, but if you co-mingle funds, he gets half. Open separate bank accounts in a different bank and keep that money completely separate. Don't spend any of it on anything for him, because that's your ticket out.

Start getting your plan to escape put together. Start eating right, for one thing, because your health matters. Take care of YOU first and foremost, so you'll be in good shape to bolt before his dad does. Get yourself a divorce lawyer before you mention anything to your husband and do what he tells you.

Begin the process with no guilt in your mind, and don't fall for any mind games from your husband or your FIL. You need to leave, and having a vision of your future in your mind will help you get through this.
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In a word? Yes.

I have been through an incredibly ugly divorce where, stupid me, I started out by playing fair only to discover that my ex really was a miserable arsehole. So, in addition to retaining a divorce lawyer ASAP, make sure its a GOOD divorce lawyer. Assume that your husband will get down in the mud and play as dirty as he can. Do everything your lawyer says and trust his/her experience.

Good luck. You are young and there is a big, gorgeous world out there waiting for you!
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Be responsible for yourself, get a good divorce lawyer and walk away from this mess. Then get yourself in better shape, for YOUR future. It’s on you, no one else. Living with others and relying on their money, and roof, is not wise. Get a job, your own home and work on getting healthy and strong. Jmho.
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It sounds like you are mentally adjusting to being separated.

This is a good practical step. Whether this separation is your husband being admitted to hospital, to a NH or his final resting place - this time of transition is near.

His health needs warrent a team. You have done all you can. Now steer him to another place. Be at peace with that.

A lawyer can advice if divorce is required for this step or not.

Then look for grief support for yourself. While you cocoon & look after yourself before emerging into your own new life 🦋
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Cover999 May 2022
What happened to For Better or Worse Til Death Do Us Part
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Keep your plans to yourself...It's none of your business...is a full sentence. Repeat it once, then ignore him and walk away if he keeps asking.
You need to save yourself (and the dog).
Your father in law's decision to move away and leave both of you behind is very telling.
I have some concern that your husband may use threats of violence/destruction of your property once the divorce papers are served....or actually strike/injure you and the dog.
Use the public library as a place to do research and get some space for yourself, away from him. Find out about the resources available for women who have abusive partners, and take it seriously.
He is very depressed - which is a huge anger turned inside himself- and has a history of lashing out with verbal abuse when he is not getting his way.
The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when one person tries to leave.
Call the county bar association for referrals of some attorneys who do divorce law, see if local legal aid has suggestions (even if they cannot help you ), etc.
I'm not trying to frighten you, but am worried about your safety. Personal and professional experiences and education are the basis of my concern for you.
You deserve to be safe and contented in your own space.
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He should have no trouble qualifying for a NH, especially as a divorced male with no income except disability.

DO NOT put your inheritance into a joint account. It is your money and he has no right to any of it, unless you put it in a joint account.

He has made his choice and you get to make yours. Please chose life and functionality over the slow, miserable death he is putting you through.
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Oh, this does not seem to be a marriage. It's going to take you down with him. Yes, move on your own, get him into a care facility, where he will be better off too.
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Go see a divorce lawyer immediately.
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