My wife and I took in her aging mother to live with us over 2 years ago. My wife has 2 brothers and 1 sister who all live within 2 miles of us. Brother 1 has 2 high school, kids and only visits his mother in our home approximately twice a week for about 15 minutes each. Brother 2 has 2 grade school and one high school children, who does take his mother to church regularly and dinner thereafter. My sister in law, an RN, visits maybe once every two weeks for about a half hour.
First let me say. I have no problem at all or in anyway with my mother inlaw staying with us. Although she is not always easy to live with, she really has no other alternative then to stay with us. We have one high school child
The issue is the total lack of support from my 2 brother in laws and sister in law. Never have any of them gotten them to doctors appts, hair dresser appts or anything outside of what I described above. I have communicated my displeasure with this on numerous occasions, yet, nothing changes
It seems anytime we ask them to do something for their mother they all state that have other plans or are too busy.
Any suggestions or helpful insight would be greatly appreciated. I am about at my wits end.
Thanks in advance.
Thanks to them, I was able to go back to work full time. We wanted to go to Disney World and I knew asking siblings to pitch in with caring for her would be fruitless so we brought Mom and one of the caregivers with us (three times).
If MIL can afford it, bring in paid help to do all those things they won't help with.
Well. Key Fact is you and your wife need regular respite support, and if they're not going to provide it personally then maybe they can contribute to it financially instead: find out the going rate locally for domestic help and HCAs, hypothetically, and work out the numbers according to how many hours' relief you think is reasonable.
Put this to them as an option, not a threat. The important thing is to find a system that works.
For and example. SIL was to organize and put together MIL medications every Friday. She know hasn't done that for 3 weeks so my wife does it.
I could give you numerous examples but I think you get the idea
But clearly the work is not being shared fairly. Will the family as a whole be getting together any time soon? What's needed, and presumably the four of them - your wife, her sister, her two brothers - are on reasonably good terms, is a friendly, calm, constructive planning meeting where you can all figure out a more evenly divided schedule going forward.
Another reason that it's important to start this discussion now is that your MIL's care needs are only going to grow; and if the situation hasn't become an ugly one yet it will later on, if you can't all find a better balance.
Um. Given that you've listed the families' respective childcare commitments, and your SIL hasn't got any, be careful not to let her get hold of the wrong end of the stick and suspect that The Cunning Plan is to dump mother on her. The thing is, if I were the childless female child in this scenario, and especially if I had a nursing qualification, I would be extremely chary of "people" thinking that I'm the obvious choice to be mother's primary caregiver. If you're not very careful you'll find your SIL being highly defensive from the get-go, and if she goes off on one it could scupper the whole conference.