My grandmother who is in her early 80's had told me today that sometime in the spring that she is going to schedule her knee replacement surgery and needs someone to stay with her while doing her physical therapy. There are a few issues at play, I have my own serious health issues that I need to tend to and the other is that I really can't take time off work because of my own medical bills. One of my biggest issues is that she loves to drink and she will probably take my bank card and drain my account to fund her going out to eat, booze and whatever fun things that catch her eye (caught her once before). How can I tell my family I won't be wiping her butt and that she actually has to spend her money on having a professinal help her for a couple weeks?
If she tries to recover at home with a visiting physical therapist, guess what, she will probably keep cancelling the appointments thus dragging out her recovery for months on end.... and may never learn to walk with a knee replacement, then what?
I agree with cmagnum, get a new therapist. Shop around until you find one who is familiar with elder caregiving. It will be worth the effort.
How on earth did your g'ma get your bank card? My dear you have to look after yourself better. Your health comes first. (((((((hugs)))))) Hang in there.
To your cousins, add this also, " If you don't like it, why don't you help her? She's your grandmother, too. Each of you can take turns coming here to take care of her after surgery. You can take family emergency leave (federal law), stay with her to take care of her. It's Your turn."
Stand your ground!
As was said earlier, a knee replacement surgery requires rehab in a facility, not at home.
It's good that you sent the email saying no. Now, go to the bathroom, look in the mirror, look straight into your eyes - and repeat your refusal. The key is for you to be able to say it until it becomes natural. Looking into your eyes will help you to look at the person (mom, aunty or grandma) and say No.
I'm very timid. I used to give speeches/skits in front of an audience. I found that by practicing in front of the mirror, I had to relearn every single time - to be able to sound natural, to be able to look at the audience straight into their eyes (and not over their head - which is quite obvious as the observer). I was so stressed out before and after the speeches. I always got these major migraines afterward. But it was so worth all that practicing. Afterwards, people who knew me, were amazed how confident, flowing my speech was - and that I looke at their eyes and smiled. Hence, practice, practice and practice in front of that mirror your refusal.
And you are right. The more you give in to taking care of grandmother, the more all 3 of them will rely on you. Put on your mirrors (bathroom and bedroom) a reminder note: " Remember - MEDICAL EXPENSES. NEED JOB" and another one: "Say NO to grandma, mom and aunt". or "Grandma has Money. She can Pay for Help."
If you Do decide to help grandmother, and she Agrees to Pay you, make sure you have it in Writing! This is very important. Because when she changes her mind about wasting her money on you and stops paying, you can also quit helping her since she broke the contract.
I'm glad to read that you sent an e-mail saying that you can't take care of the grandmother with the upcoming knee replacement. She's your mom's mom anyway. Take care.
Grandmothers do come in all shapes and sizes - not to mention temperaments - don't they? I'm so glad your ovarian cancer one is doing so well, well done you for finding her the right help.
That was very nice of you to take care of your other grandmother in her final days, but there again, it got dumped on you because you are single.
If I were you, I'd stop offering myself to be the overly available single person, get this greedy, cheap thief out of your house and tell whoever her adult children are to take their responsibility for you have your own life and health issues to tend to. You are not their little girl. You are a grown woman with a life! Live it!
My 70-something year old cousin had knee replacement last year. After the operation she was in rehab for two weeks and worked on getting her legs back under her. She was discharged when she progressed enough to drive and walk on her own. She was younger than your grandmother, so your grandmother may have a bit longer in rehab. I don't know how that works. In your position, I would help, but only if she used the professional sources available to her first.
Much luck dealing with this. And leave the bank card at home! :D
Did she repay you the last time she illegally used your card. Sorry, but I'd find it very difficult to house a thief under my roof. If she can get out to eat, booze and whatever fun things that catch her eye,then maybe she should be living on her own living off of money that is her own.
Take care of your own health, protect your money for taking care of you and set up some strong boundaries.
How come her own grown children looking after her being cared for? Sounds like it's past time for them to step up to the plate..
or more simply
"I won't be wiping her butt."
or even more to the point
"No, I couldn't possibly do that"?
Why would it be difficult to tell your family? Grandmother has apparently asked you. Just say no.