Here we go again... guardian or referee?
My brother and SIL divorced after 38 years of marriage. It was a friendly divorce as well as I could see; they continued to live in the house for about a year as my brother worked on emptying it and doing repairs to get it ready to sell. They had one child who was grown and they split all the money right down the center. They only had one divorce attorney. My former SIL then basically cut communications with my entire side of the family while several of her sisters and nieces remained FB friends and causal communications with me. I asked them occasionally if my former SIL was doing okay. I still considered her family but if she didn't want communications/contact, then I respected that even if I didn't understand it.
Then she contacted covid and was discovered in her apartment unresponsive and lying in a bed covered with vomit. After several weeks, she was released to rehab while still somewhat confused at times. At times, she didn't remember she was divorced or that her daughter was working in a nearby town. She didn't score too well on the mini-eval either. The doctors are not sure at this point if the mental confusion is temporary or permanent. She may have been oxygen deprived enough during covid to have some lasting effects.
Shortly after she entered rehab, a nephew shows up and decides to care for her at his home, gets her to check herself out of rehab, and moves her into his house. Nephew decides daughter doesn't need to visit and my SIL does not need all the medication she has been prescribed (daughter objected to him deciding what medicine her mother needed). The daughter calls APS who determines SIL is being neglected and financially abused and places her back in rehab. A caseworker arrives at my door with documents provided by her attorney. It seems at the time of her divorce, she had the lawyer create POA and end-of-life directive documents naming me as her POA (both durable and healthcare). She didn't talk to me about it but left a document stating I was younger than she and my brother and she didn't want her daughter forced to make decisions if they were truly needed. APS was offering to support a court ordered temporary guardianship in my favor. I reluctantly accepted and now I'm a guardian again. With a family that is glad and mad as a hornet that I am! Did I mention my SIL is one of 14 children? She is one of the younger ones and a few had already died, but they have children.
All I have done is pay her apartment rent for the conclusion of the lease and demand all her stuff be returned to the apartment. If she recovers, she will have her home to return to. If she is not able to return to the apartment, then we will clean it out then (or maybe her daughter will choose to take over the lease). The big stink is over her jewelry. My brother and SIL had good jobs for over a decade before their child was born and she loved gold chains. She (and my brother) purchased several heavy gold chains (expensive in the 80s and now _very_ expensive). Some of the family says SIL gave them the chains, but some of the family disagrees. In any case, I can prove they were removed while SIL was in the hospital and I stated if they were not returned I would pursue criminal charges.
I have started arrangements for her to enter the AL/MC I had chosen for my mother if SIL cannot live independently after rehab. APS restricted the nephew and his wife they found guilty of neglect and financial abuse from visiting SIL. The daughter is "glad" I am the guardian - so she doesn't need to have her relatives mad at _her_. SIL seems to be doing fine and getting better. Maybe this won't last long... in six months the judge will review the guardianship; ending it, extending it, or making it permanent. In a way, it seems easier (emotionally) than caring for my parents. But then one of her relatives calls to tell me what care she needs or to cuss me out...
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Second, addressing only your most recent post, as to the liability waivers, my very personal opinion is not to release or waive anything relating to liability. Are the nightime checks disturbing to SIL? If not, then I think they're actually helpful, reflecting concern on the part of the staff.
I'm sure you're aware that if liability is waived, it can't be restored other than through an agreement.
Do you yourself feel waiver is appropriate? If you were in your SIL's condition, would you want that potential liability waived?
Unfortunately, potential liability has expanded so much that waivers of liabiity are included in so many unnecessary situations; it's almost an epidemic of ordinary people having to waive liability rights just to get information. I understand the massive CYA attitude, but sometimes companies go overboard.
Taking care of someone else doesn't fall in that category though.
I'm conflicted because on the one hand I understand not wanting someone entering your apartment while you are sleeping. On the other hand, she wanted someone else in her apartment 24/7, I think because she was afraid to be alone.
My niece wants someone checking on her every 2 hours at this point and I tend to agree so I going to leave things alone for now. If SIL continues to improve I'm going to go with her wishes at the end of March.
In some ways its it's easier to make decisions for my SIL; in other ways it's harder. I don't feel I know her as well as my parents and can't as easily ask myself what they would have chosen when they had all their faculties. Am I taking the easy way for myself or because it's really in her best interest?
I think she became afraid to stay by herself in her apartment and that's why she wanted an attendant there 24/7. In the AL, the biggest complaint so far is an attendant entering her apartment at night to check on her. My niece tells me they do not disturb her sleep when she stays so she thinks this is just the idea of someone entering the apartment when her mother is sleeping. If I sign the liability waivers, the AL will allow me to decrease or eliminate the night time checkups. I'm not sure that would be the right move or just create more anxiety for SIL. I have decreased the check on her timeframe to every 4 hours (someone puts eyes on SIL every 4 hours) and we will see how that goes...
SIL's mental confusion is clearing but I do not believe she will be able to live alone safely again. She wasn't really safe before she became ill. SIL views AL as being friendless; she does not want to move away from the friends she has made in the apartment community. There's a good AL three miles from my home and an easy six miles from her current apartment, centralized in the community she had always lived in and easy for her family to visit. I'm thinking about doing something heavy-handed during the guardianship. I'm about to sign an agreement with the AL for a two-month respite care stay with an option to continue living in the AL and moving her there in mid-January. The daughter and an RN niece that has been checking/caring for SIL agree she needs AL but cannot get her to agree. I think that if she was part of the community for a bit she would enjoy it. There's bus service to the local senior centers and shopping malls and grocery service for your kitchenette supplies if you don't want to join others in the dining room, as well as daily activities and trips. Tuesday and Thursdays there is a group trip to a local restaurant for lunch. My cousin enjoyed living there but she was in her 80s and the average resident age is 78. SIL is 69 with vfib, mobility challenges, and some emotional issues, mostly depression. Her daughter is 30 and just getting her life started.
I guess my plan is to move her into AL while I have guardianship and can make the decision and hope she decides she wants to stay. She can afford a one-bedroom with a good-sized sitting room which includes a kitchenette. I'm planning to move her bedroom intact and her lift recliner and hide-a-bed couch into the sitting room. Her daughter and niece will help her hang photos and retrieve other things from her apartment as she requests. The attendant will stay with her in AL for a week. I hope having her things and the attendant will preclude any cognitive decline from the move. Her apartment lease ends in May, a month before the guardianship is reviewed. I want to have her things in a storage area near the LTC by then. Her LTC insurance will cover the AL costs for nearly 3 years; she has funds to provide for another 4-6 years; the AL will keep her on Medicaid in the same apartment afterward.
My brother, her former husband, thinks SIL will eventually like the AL and might even speak to me again someday. I'm really uncomfortable making such a decision for someone else but even if SIL becomes capable of living alone again I believe it would only be for a short while. This AL is really run like an apartment complex with benefits, like housekeeping and medication management. Even during the worst covid isolation, they kept the dining room going in shifts with social distancing. They set up a visiting room with glass panes and a good mic-speaker system to meet the state's isolation requirements for visitors during the shutdown and continue to make it available. I hope she will be happy there and decide to stay even if/when the guardianship ends. My biggest decision will come when I let the lease on the apartment go in May. I probably will, but I would really like her agreement. None of the other choices prevent SIL from putting her life back like it was before I got involved but letting her apartment go will leave her with nowhere to easily return home.
You could send weekly updates or something to everyone if your feeling generous but ignore demands, opinions and fits that you haven’t solicited. Maybe this is why your SIL wanted you to be in charge rather than her daughter, she didn’t want to place her daughter in the position of dealing with the emotions of having her mother I’ll and the “well meaning” relatives, she knew you could protect her daughter, do right by both of them and deal with her relatives.
I pray that SIL recovers to return to her home. It does get me when family thinks they are entitled and the person isn't even gone yet.
POAs need to change, though. No one should be assigned unless they sign off that they except it. The person assigned needs to then be told what their responsibilities are. Also, if the assigned person uses any of the principles money for their own gain, they can be brought up on charges.
In agreement with CWillie: "Bless you Techie, you are a wonderful person for taking this on!"
As for the gold chains. Divide them up equally among their children. If the kids can't agree, sell them and divide the money between them (with your cut subtracted of course. Why should you have to do the work to sell them for nothing?).
Also, your brother needs to step up and get his kids in line about their mother's care and whatever property they have. That is his responsibility. Not yours.
Please stop letting these people walk all over you because that is what they're doing.
Seems no other family member is in the Will. All the stuff taken needs to be returned. It was theft. Don't u just love families.
I do think though that you're the ideal person for management of this situation, and carrying out steps needed for the benefit of your SIL.
It's easy to advise not to let the naysayers and intervenors affect your judgment, or even harass, meddle and interfere to pursue their own goals. But through reading your threads and posts, I know you're the person to rise above this.
I do wish you peace, solace, and plenty of down time to continue with the help that your SIL needs to recover.
You may not like to hear this, but it's good that SIL gave you POA, because perhaps she understood that those big decisions would be too upsetting for her daughter. I remember taking an estate planning class in which the instructor strongly suggested giving POA to someone who is a bit detached emotionally from the person giving it. His mother couldn't make the decision to remove life support from his dad for a full three weeks after he suffered a devastating stroke. The mother of one of my friends spent $750,000 on futile medical care for her dad because she couldn't let him go.
It sounds like your SIL recognized you as having a level head in a crisis, and judging by the actions of the nephew, it's obvious what she thought of her 13 siblings and their kids.
Sounds like you had zero idea you were her representative. I personally would ASK my POA to do the job (which I actually have done, so this kind of thing cannot happen).
You're an angel to take this on. I am glad you have good feelings between you and former SIL.
You're doing all the 'right' things and with grace and obvious care. If family calls for updates, that;s one thing. if they're calling to cuss you out, reming them you DID NOT ask for this, you are doing your best and if they can't be helpful, they can stop calling.
As far as the 'disappearance' of her jewelry--if they don't cough it up, maybe contact the police? If SIL did not write down her desires of where she wanted these to go, that's basically theft. Or maybe ask your brother to handle this. Or let it go.
Anyway--you're an angel, really. I wish you the best!