My mother is now needing 24/7 care for her Alzheimer's. My husband and I have been taking turns staying with her for the past 4 months because she does not want to leave her home. We have been doing it for free, of course, but it is becoming increasingly harder to not be able to go to our own home TOGETHER! We have arranged for my 23 yo daughter to begin spending 5 nights a week with her, but I feel she would need to be compensated. We have agreed that she would be paid $250 a week for 5 nights. My mother says that she can not afford this. (She can). I do have POA, so I would be able to do it, anyway, but I am uncomfortable doing it without her knowing. Also, my sister would be the first to "tell on me" if I did it anyway. Has anyone else encountered this? Any suggestions?
I'm glad your husband is willing to do "split shifts" with you. But, you're right, it's killing your marriage. You married him "for better or worse" and he married you -- not your mother. The two of you deserve time together where you talk about something other than mom. My suggestion is "date night" twice a month.
At 23, your daughter is still wildly generous with her time. However, you want her life to expand; not contract. Be sure she is paid! And be sure she has days off that are really "off" - she needs to fill them with other things; not sit empty waiting to be filled by people who want her to do "care giver things" like going to the pharamacy or following up on doctor's suggestions for treatments.
Depending on her life experience (Great Depression, WWII, childhood poverty, childhood insecurity) your mom may have "good reasons" to be worried about how far the money will go. Reassuance without details is usually best. Look at it this way: if there really was a problem, she wouldn't be able to help. So, just keep her in comfort as best you can and keep the reassurance coming.
Don't allow yourself to be consumed by her care. It's so easy to get sucked in to doing one more thing until you're "one more thinged" right out of your mind. Take a deep breath and call a "family meeting" with your nuclear family (just you, your husband, and your daughter) in a place where you can discuss what your lives to look like AM (after Mom) and then take steps to see that you can each get there.
Inact the POA if you have not already done this and then follow the law. Pay yourself and all others who take care of your loved one. Otherwise it will be divided up the way your mother desired. One adult child doing all the work including financial contributions in many areas will not be given any type of reimbursement later so take your fair share now. Protect yourself from your sister. People have their own truth and that is all alot of people can see. Your mother appointed you so take your role and be strong within moral and ethical values of yourself. Cause no harm is the best one I've ever found.
As far as care givers. I used a family friend who owns and runs 7 private care homes within my area. She was nice enough to give me the names of people she would hire next. So in that way they have already been interviewed to work professionally yet I only had them in my home. I think most people can be trusted. My mother would refuse and tell me outright that she did not want someone strange coming into her home. And I would gently nod my head yes I understand however I need a break and this is how its going to be.
The local alzheimers association may have a list of care providers or any day treatment providers. When we overcome our own fear of displeasing our mothers then we know what we must do to take care of us. Have several and back ups if needed. You will be able to love your mom to your fullest if you love yourself first! So don't give yourself more than you can handle!
Good luck with it all and flow with it...Donna
I understand your reluctance to do something "behind your mother's back" -- and that instinct is reinforced by you sister's propensity to "tell." (Although why would your sister know?)
So, for your own peace of mind, tell your mother. But note that is tell her, not ask her. As POA you are charged with acting in her best interests, and it sounds like that is exactly what she is doing. Depending on how rational Mom can be and how much she understands, you might show her the rates from a local home care service, so she can see how reasonable your plan is. You might show her or at least reassure her that she has the money to afford this. But explanations depend on her present state of being able to understand. If she has lost the ability to reason, keep it very simple and emphasize that she can count on you to do the right things for her.
Again, this depends on her level of cognitive impairment, but my sisters and I remind our mother that her money is for her care. What is she saving it for -- her old age? Once when I had this conversation with my mother (trying to get her to buy nice sheets instead of the cheapest in the store) she said, umm ... my casket? And I said, "Mother! You know you want to be cremated and your funeral is already prepaid! You do not need to skimp on sheets to pay for your funeral!" She laughed kind of sheepishly. (She has Mild Cognitive Impairment.) I don't know why elders get so tight with their money and are reluctant to spend it on themselves. But as POA it is your responsibility to see that her money gets spent on her care. It is NOT your responsibility to see that it is saved for inheritances.
Also, start thinking ahead of what will be best for her as her dementia progresses. I can't imagine her granddaughter giving up her evenings and nights indefinitely. Five years from now (or one year from now) she may have a spouse in her life, too. What you are trying to arrange right now might be an excellent short term solution. But Alzheimer's is a long-term problem.
Good luck to all of you! And bless you for taking on the hard decisions.