How are you dealing with a negative elderly parent?

You don't need to answer or react to any of her negative talk. With my 92-yr old mom and 99-yr old aunt, I literally don't even look at them as they gripe, but instead redirect the conversation to something else, even if it's a neutral comment. Does she have a bird feeder? They provide a lot of good distraction if it is in a spot that's close to a window where she can sit and watch. Increased negativity and stubbornness is a very common symptom of dementia.

I would also consider changing her doctor. Her doc seems clueless about mood meds. My 99-yr old aunt and 88-yr old MIL are greatly helped by taking them and it didn't affect their balance. Seniors lose their balance in their homes for a variety of other reasons. Depression is brutal and she needs a more understanding physician. You would need to dispense any med to her to ensure she is taking them.

I feel your pain! Totally. My mom is only 78, but very old for her age. Complains all the time. I wish I had advise for you. I just try to ignore it and redirect but it's exhausting. Most of the time our conversation is just extremely limited. Not much to say when you live together.

My mom also has no hobbies and barely does anything that doesn't include me or my sister.

If she complains about the same things, maybe plan ahead with a vague answer and a planned topic to change the conversation to?

As they say, getting old is not for the fainthearted. It's no picnic, it's depressing, and it's never going to go away. Watching your body betray you with wrinkles, ailments, bruising, and all the other problems is insulting and it's the real confirmation that we indeed not immortal. In short, it's seriously depressing.

So, the thing to do is try to make the most of the time we do have left. Have you thought of trying to get her to write down or record memories of her life? There are lots of sources from prompts to start discussions, like "who was your favorite teacher" which leads to discussions about school days, or "what kind of house did you live in" which starts discussions of home.

It's a great way to both fill up the lonely hours but also a way to connect, to educate the next generation, and to perhaps bring back memories of happier times when everything worked better and cares were fewer.

Yes, I am in the same boat and my mom is in her mid 70s. I spend 30 mins in the morning with her and take about 3 hours to recover from the conversation. She gossips, wallows in self-pity etc.

I am trying breathing exercises now to see if I can manage my reaction to her better.

Only child here! I had a great relationship with my parents...then they retired & bought the house three doors down from me. My mom became extremely negative upon turning 70. She literally went from jogging & eating healthy to sitting on the couch drinking wine all day and complaining about her life, saying she would just rather die. That was 9 years ago. She never snapped out of it. On her 75th birthday I went over there to ask my parents to go out to dinner with us for her birthday and she was flailing around in bed yelling that "75 was nothing to be proud of". Sigh...turns out that was our last chance as a family because dad had to be admitted to memory care about two months later. Oh, and the reason for that: she told me if I did not get him out of her house immediately, she was either going to commit suicide or move to a hotel and leave him there to fend for himself (at that point he was forgetful and needed oversight but was still "himself" mostly and managable).

So, it's been a depressing roller coaster of negativity and verbal abuse for a decade. After a long hospital stay and 60 days in skilled nursing, I was able to move her into an assisted living facility late last year. But, I am still stuck dealing with her and now the probability that she will outlive her money. She demanded a cell phone for months and I finally caved and bought her one of those Jitterbug type phones. I have her ringtone set to "silent" as I seriously suffer from PTSD when she calls, after a decade of being at her back & call for every whim and constant drama and emergencies.

I am 54 and run a small business. I work 6 full days a week. As an only, I am very alone in this world and I cannot afford to sacrifice my financial future and health for her. Honestly I have felt I was fighting for my own life at various times throughout this journey. When I was 50, mom actually told me she did not know how I could continue to live my life, with theirs crumbling in the manner that it was. She has told me I "owe" her for raising me. I fell that I have been manipulated and used, to some extent, because of my lonely-only status. As my parents unraveled there were two of them, fighting with each other constantly, and one of me receiving multiple calls per day to leave my work and solve their problems.

My mom has done nothing since age 70 except sit around and lament that her life has been much harder than most people's lives. She has run off the few friends she had. No hobbies, hates TV, hates music. She flat out told me that she would no longer do anything for me, period, and that she now expected everything to be done for her.

Sorry for the long rant. An only child with a negative, nasty mom is, sadly, my status in life now. Never expected it to be this way. I wish I would have moved far away from them when we were all young, but what do you do with two old parents that live almost next door? I got sucked into the vortex and I am still here....

Some older adults that are negative about everything are just so miserable that the only thing that they have left is to make everyone around them just as miserable as they are. If you haven't yet you might consider that this is her new hobby. Other than the "gray rock" approach you might want to work with a counselor about how to come up with strategies to help yourself.

It seems to me that she has a lot of time to dwell because she has little activity. I’m not judging you - my MIL has zero hobbies and interests beyond tv, and even then, only in the evenings. I play music to fill the quiet, but she doesn’t seek anything or what to do anything.

I WISH she was the kind of person who would enjoy a geriatric day program (aka, Day Care), but there’s no way in hell my MIL would do it more than once.

There’s a great program run in my community that is only $40 a day, $50 including lunch. They do exorcises, music therapy, painting, animal petting time, and all sorts of things. That program has a drop off and pick up time of 7-5, so pretty accommodating if you’re working.

I’d say she needs activity. Best of luck, I know it’s hard.

I totally understand what you're going through. Some people like my mother are miserable and negative their entire life. Their only joy is knowing they're bringing others down with them. You know what they say. Misery loves company and there's nothing anyone can do for these people.
From what you're saying about your mother, she doesn't sound like this is the case with her. The fact that she hasn't turned on you and has improved some from daily interaction with the two people in their 50's then there's hope for her yet. For many seniors complaining is a form of entertainment. They do it out of boredom. They are also depressed. Not because they're mentally ill or need meds but because they are old and there is no pill for that. Their friends and family are often dead, they don't work anymore, and they feel like useless burdens to their families. This is true most of the time but not for the reasons they think. The negativity, complaining, and all around misery is what makes them a burden to their families. Not being elderly or needing some help. They see younger people going about their daily lives in the world and they are resentful because that isn't them anymore.
Now you say your mom is in pretty decent health physically. If her mind is still in tact find her something to do. Not forced socialization with other seniors like playing bingo, but something useful. Like volunteer work of some kind. I knew an old lady who at the age of almost 90 used to volunteer helping to prepare the lunches at her town's senior center. She did this all week long. I knew another who volunteered at the Salvation Army thrift store in my town. Her job was at a table in the back of the store sorting out costume jewelry and accessories to get it ready for sale. Both ladies were getting purposeful socialization. The kind people get at work or school. I think your mom would benefit greatly from this. It's hard for some people at any age to not feel useful. Some folks are fine being idle all day long. Others, I think like your mom are not.
Call around to different places like your town's senior center if there is one. Or if you have a Salvation Army or Goodwill thrift store. Or even an animal shelter and explain about your mother and see if they have anything suitable she can help out with as a volunteer. I think if your mom gets something useful to do you will see a great improvement in the negativity and a reduction in the complaining.

We went through this with my father-in-law both when my mother-in-law got sick (incurable neurodegenerative disease) and after she died. Everything was negativity. And for a long time, hubby and I listened to it and tried to "fix" it with suggestions, which led him to find every reason on the planet why nothing would help and led us to drink a lot of alcohol. I understand the feeling like you're banging your head against a brick wall. Inside myself I was screaming "shut the f--k up already!"

One day, I just couldn't take it anymore and I guess went gray rock without knowing it was called that. I remember he was going on and on and I felt myself getting more and more depressed and I just got up, said I had to run an errand, and left. It felt liberating!

Before dementia took a choke hold of my 94 year old mother, she was reading books, paying the household bills & going on vacations with me. Before my Dad passed away 29 years ago, they used to go everywhere together. My mother worked & went to college at night to complete her education. She helped her parents in the store, helped take care of my Dad when he got sick..,I was working full time. My mother always took care of my brother & I growing up. She was PTA President! She wanted to know what was going on in the schools we were attending! She was responsible & reliable…and so forth…
Yesterday, my mother spent most of the day screaming 😱..”Police please come & help me! The Aide is trying to kill me!” This morning she’s calmer…that’s this insidious disease. My mother told me when she had her marbles that under no circumstances did she ever want to live without her marbles.
Besides the mental/behavior issues…she’s immobile, incontinent.
I believe your mother has more to offer & will be happier if she did volunteer work even for a couple of hours every other day. She can get out, see people & get her mind off herself..she sounds depressed.
So count your blessings that your mother is just complaining! If she gets a more positive routine, things will improve, I’m sure!
Hugs 🤗

I'm an only child too; my mother is almost 95 years old and I can honestly not recall hearing her ever say one nice thing about anything in my entire 64 years of life. She hates everyone; the family, her so-called friends who are all PITAs, my father who was her nemesis for 68 years and never did enough for her, her own mother who she detested, and on and on. Now she lives in Memory Care Assisted Living and suffers from advanced dementia but come to think of it, she nearly gave me a stroke yesterday b/c she said her caregiver is 'so wonderful' to her. But I think that was more of a dig at ME than a compliment towards her CG, since she also said the girl was 'like a daughter to her.' Every word out of her mouth is negative, she's never had hobbies, and God forbid I suggest one to her, oh no, she 'doesn't believe' in hobbies, exercise, or anything positive or uplifting.

In fact, on one of our recent visits, my husband asked her to tell him ONE thing she was grateful for. One single thing. She thought about it, scratched her head, did some hemming & hawing, and could not come up with ONE thing she was grateful for. After nearly 95 years of life on Earth, various nice houses she's lived in, a huge wardrobe of great clothes, 2 grandchildren and a great-grandson, many exotic cruises, and on and on, not ONE thing could she think of to be grateful for. That about summarizes my mother. And probably yours too.

Long ago, I decided to stop trying to make her happy. It's an exercise in futility. I quit trying to fix problems she didn't want solutions for. She wants to be miserable. She wants to complain. She wants to be The Victim and The Poor Soul, so have at it mother. It's not my job (or your job) to make our mother's happy because it's an inside job. If nothing has made them happy after 9+ decades, nothing is going to. And there ain't no Happy Pill on earth gonna do it either.

My mother also says she 'wants to die' on a regular basis, which couldn't be further from the truth. It's just a ploy to garner sympathy from us, the only children who should be and could be doing more for them but aren't. I know the drill, I've been hearing it for decades now. About how she wants to 'jump out the window' or 'run out into traffic' to end her life, but it's all nonsense. I was recently called 'cold' for saying things like this, but hey, I call it as I see it. After being the victim of such a difficult mother for such a long time, I am paying my experiences forward for those who are suffering now. If my words can help YOU, then I'm happy and I've done a good thing. We are the ones who have to harden OUR hearts to all the misery THEY dole out, otherwise, we're in the psychiatrist's chair & eating anti-depressants like Tic-Tac, let's face it. Please cut back on your visits a bit if you find yourself getting depressed as a result of all the negativity, ok?

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.

This morning I was having a cup of coffee on my DH aunts back porch. I was talking to a favorite niece on the phone. My voice carries. So when the bathing aide who came to tend to DH aunt, 95 tomorrow, heard my voice she came to report that aunt told her to “get out of my house. I don’t need you”
The aide happens to be aunts favorite temp. Her regular has been off a month. But the aide has about had it with DH aunt talking so ugly. She is young. Not 30, very pretty little tiny thing. I asked her if she was able to change her. She said “No. I left”. I told her the secret was to make her laugh. I suggested she go back in and say in her best Jack Nicholson voice “Im Baack”
A few minutes later I went by aunts door and listened in to see if I was needed. They were talking about aunts birthday tomorrow. The aid had asked her how old she would be tomorrow. “88 said aunt, No I think 89 tomorrow”.
So my suggestion is if you are going to visit, try to make it count. You, yourself have fun with it. Try to make her laugh.
Do something silly. If she won’t laugh, moon her and be on your way.

Tell me about it my mum is 82 sits and watches tv morning noon and night has no friends hasn’t been out the house for 3 years and hates the world and wants to die she depresses the life out of me she has Carers but accuses them of stealing silly things from her all the time I find it easier on myself to cut down on visits for your own sanity I’m afraid that is their life now but don’t make it yours as long as you know she is safe just visit when you need to

Our 93-year-old mother became a different, much more happy and relaxed, person when she began taking anti-anxiety meds several years ago, and even better when they were changed some months ago. Being a fall risk does not have to be an issue. If your mom is willing, being on the right meds could be life-changing, assuming her doc is knowledgable about the best to use. Some are great for both anxiety and depression.
We children did choose to bend the truth a little in telling her what the meds were for.

I think that the older they are the more they realize that for the most part their lives are over. Friends have died or are incapacitated. Joining a senior group is just sort of undesirable unless you're the type of person who enjoys cliques. They have nothing to look forward to so that small things take up their time and most is given a negative spin. I realized this earlier this year when I turned 65 and caring for my 93 year old mom.

Like several people here, I too am an only child. Hubby and I took care of my mom for 5 years, until she passed away from Alzheimer's (at 94). I found that trying to find humor can help everybody. I even wrote a book about our travails called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." I wonder if you could convince your mom to go to an adult day care center once or twice a week. She could make new friends there, do some activities, etc. Maybe you could show her some funny You Tube videos. Maybe she could record parts of her life, and you could type it and make it into a book for your family. She'd feel connected to people that way, and give her a purpose. Best of luck.

This has been a most informative exchange of ideas and my heart goes out to the ones left to care for their aging parents with no relief from siblings. As a mom of an only daughter in my early 70's I see myself in many of these conversations.

When my husband (20 years older) passed away last year after 42+ years together, it was a very painful time. Caregiving, Covid restrictions, palliative care, then hospice, and downsizing our home became overwhelming at times. My daughter has her own full life with 2 children, a husband and a full-time career.

My biggest fear is that I become a burden to her from any form of cognitive impairment, as I experienced it first-hand with my husband. Taking any kind of mood altering drugs hastens dementia--so taking something for depression is totally out of the question. The same for anesthesia, so avoiding any procedures that would require even mild sedation is not negotiable. Point is to keep moving, eat healthy, and try to to regain some positive perspective on life while you still can.

My daughter and S-I-L thought it would be a good idea to combine households after my husband passed away. As most grief counselors will advise: never make life-altering decisions while still in the earliest stages of grief. This was not the best decision I ever made. There's a reason why parents and adult children do not live together. What's that phrase: TMI. Yikes, I went from being a full time caregiver to my ill husband, trying to still run our distribution business, moving for the 2nd time in under 2 years, to now residing in my in-law apartment in the same home as my daughter and her family.

Now I can witness that daily drama first-hand and deal with a bratty teenager, an 11 yo grandson doing virtual school (I'm his learning coach), buying the food for the family, cooking meals daily, not having any people around that are my age. Life is certainly different.

There are times when I'm so depressed that I too would like to check-out, but I'm fortunate that I have a family to be able to do for. My daughter's plate is full, she works long days in the healthcare field and doesn't have the time or energy to get meals on the table. I love to cook, so the main kitchen is my domain. It's not ideal, but it works. But this is not at all how I pictured my "golden years". Getting old sucks, but causing more stress on my daughter isn't going to change things. It's hard to snap out of that downward spiral many older people find themselves in: failing health, loss of spouses and friends, isolation from Covid, loss of communication with anyone. Our coping skills need a serious overhaul. But on the upside, keeping so busy that I don't have time to wallow in self-pity may be my life-saver.

Sorry for the long rant. And I can only offer this bit of advice from someone in the same boat as some of your Moms: try a little kindness and patience. It's difficult when the child becomes the parent and the parent acts like a child. Sometimes it's better to take a time-out. Go for a walk, go outside in the yard, go to another room. Give each other some space when the situation spirals out of control. Take a small bunch of flowers or some candy when you go visit. Take something home cooked to brighten their day. What's that old adage, "Kill them with kindness"! Life's too short for bitterness. When you know in your heart that you've done your best, that's the memories you'll want to carry with you once they're gone.

**This forum was a blessing while I was caring for my terminal husband--so many helpful ideas and different perspectives about what I was experiencing. Glad I still belong.

I am so sorry you are going through this, but also relieved to see so many people relating to your story. I feel your pain and I am grateful that we have this safe place to vent and find support. I have been struggling with this kind of behavior with my 92 year old mother for 5 years. I left my job, lost friends, and suffered unrepairable damage to relationships with my siblings. My mom has had two hospital stays, was twice "graduated" out of hospice, recovered from a broken hip and wrist, and now walks around like nothing happened, healthier than I am, demanding, abusive, nasty and always with the maybe I should just kill myself. It is an awful disease that hurts so many people and tears families apart. Unless you have experienced it, you can't know just how hard it is. I have read the statics about patients outliving their caregivers, about how this can go on for many years, and about people living well into their ninties and beyond. I imagine this problem will only grow as baby boomers struggle to care for their parents. I have no answers. Just letting you know you are not alone. Try your best to take care of yourself and also to offer your support to others on this site. It is so important. Hugs.

Seems your mom is suffering from depression.. Depression has been called "the common cold of mental health" since so many people have suffered from it at some point in their lives. Please get her evaluated and treated by a geriatric psychiatrist.

A few things to try:
1 - Get her outside for a couple of hours every day. Sunshine seems to help with depression symptoms.
2 - Get her a pretty plant, preferably alive. I find caring for plants soothing and uplifting.
3 - Bring her something that the 2 of you can start together. Maybe she will finish the project while you are gone. If not, you can work on it every time you visit until complete.
4 - Bring her recordings of her favorite music or movies. Most people appreciate the entertainment from when they were in their 20s-30s.
5 - With doctor's approval, get her a prescription for vitamin D and/or calcium supplements. Seasonal Affective Disorder - a form of depression that hits in the fall and winter months - is related to the shortening of daylight and vitamin D stores in the body during the fall and winter months. These supplements may help to lessen her symptoms.

Oh my dear yes!!!

My 91 year old mom is the same. Everything is negative with her. That had always been her personality, now it’s just worse. She’s in rehab at the moment for a fall that led to a compression fracture of her L2 vertebrae. A non-invasive surgery helped.

She texted me my “orders for the day” this morning, and let me know she had 1 pair of soiled panties in the hamper.

Oh, and they brought her too much breakfast….well gosh shame on them.

It’s a shame really that she makes herself so miserable. Never mind that I’m having a joint transplant next week, and trying my best to stay calm.

I think she loves me (sometimes.)

Sad 😔.

Here's the thing. You're either a half glass full or half glass empty personality. Unfortunately, I tend to be a half glass empty personality, which I actively try to combat. At almost 90 years old, your Mom knows she's at the end of her days here on Earth. Sometimes for half glass empty personalities, that is depressing in itself and manifests itself in complaining and "hating everything". There's little you can do except to keep being positive when you interact with her. Moving around is good for her. Perhaps when you visit, you could take her outside for a walk for fresh air and exercise. My girlfriend (also an only child) used to take her Mom to the Mall for a "walk" and then stop for lunch. It gave them time together and gave her Mom something different to look at. Your Mom is bored and looking at the same vacant lot every day.

Would she go through old photo albums with you? The elderly love to reminisce about old photos.

yes that is my mother for sure and only 85. She has been this way for 13 years.
Like you, i can't understand why they dont do hobbies ! There are so many projects one can do form making photo albums to knitting/crochet to reading.
Maybe bring home a few book for library ( they probably have large print ) and leave them for her. Maybe bring over a small album and some photos and 2 sided tape and leave them.
Otherwise, it is just knowing her personality is negative ( my mother says "Its just the way i am") and if she isnt in health danger then let it go. We wish more for others but it is their choice.
My mother wont go to assisted living so she is isolated by choice. GLad your mom had those 2 who talk to her.

All the letters sound like what I have been going through for 5 years but I still have both parents, one 90 the other 89. Mom has been in a wheelchair for 4 years. Dad take care of them 25 miles away but we talk 2-4 times a day. Dad complains all his friends are dead and mom never had to many! They do not let anyone in their house as mom was a collector of pretty THINGS! Dad is so bullheaded that he does not listen to me as it will always be HIS way, mom goes along with everything. I have been trying to get my name on the safety box for 10 years since that is where the will and important papers are, but no way! By the way I am the only child and am 70 with a husband and no children. They will not go to assisted living. Dad is losing his eyesight. There is alot of us all going through it, with alot of guilt and what more can we do?

I had the same situation, took care of both my parents, 89 years old. They just moved out. My father was a bit more optimistic and angry, but my mother same as yours. I feel sad for them, and if I were to put myself in their shoes, I would guess they are in a deep depression that gradually flourished into a full blown one. Aging is just not kind. And as the years pass it only gets worse. I know what worked for my mother was to do something with her, fold laundry, have her help in the kitchen. Knit with her, read a book with her, they need interaction, to feel like someone is willing to give them time. They need companionship, if ignored they rebel more.
I had a hard time doing this with my mother because she was too negative and I could not deal with it. I had them with me 24/7, I found it very difficult being with them that when I had a moment from cleaning/cooking/caring for them, I would retreat into my own space, instead of sharing a hobby with them.

I also believe the expectation put on women is too high. Men can get away with anything. I see alot of complaining about the mothers in this forum.
My father was the difficult one in this situation, my mother was easier to deal with even with her negativity. It's unfair. Society has convinced us that if a woman expresses herself, and if it's a negative expression or emotion that she is bad. My mother spend a life time of servitude to my father, no wonder she is miserable.

I’m dealing with the same things with my Mom. I call her every day and visit her every other day. She mostly sits in her chair with the TV watching her. I bought some beautiful white mums and sat them out on the porch about a month ago. To my surprise, she was going outside to water them until they started to wilt. Sad that they only lasted about a month. That was actually giving her something to do. I’ve given her an iPad Mini and a new iPhone and she never uses them. She basically waits for me to bring her food and necessities and we sit and quietly watch TV. Occasionally, she’ll laugh or joke, but mostly she is quiet. This happens when she is alone and not willing to go anywhere. I attempted to take her to doctor appts. (Both Geriatric for depression and PCP) and she refused to go. This year I’m going to try the Vit D. and see if that helps. It’s usually this time of the year until Spring that she gets really bad and ends up in the hospital for not drinking or eating due to depression. Good luck and stay the course! I pray a lot to manage my stress and anxiety.

A few months ago my mother was assessed as having advanced dementia. She is now in respite, waiting for a LTC room as I couldn’t handle her 24/7 demands and she aggressively fought having any help but me. My point: refusing to socialize, refusing to leave her home, ignoring all hobbies and interests, plus worsening negativity (around me) started years ago. Extended family said she sounded happy and engaged on the phone. We tried to get her out and keep her involved with family and friends with very little success. Now she is bitter that *I* held her hostage at home as that can surely be the only reason she wasn’t out and about. Questions are prying and games are stupid. I hoped others in the respite home would fulfill her social needs. No - she refuses to engage with them. (yes, she’s been on mood meds for years, which tempered her anger and suspicion a bit) It’s such a frustrating, self-sabotaging cycle, so difficult to watch.

I'm 73, so while I'm not as old as your mom, I am "old". Here is my suggestion:

Cannabis is now legal in many states, and in other states a medical marijuana card can be obtained.

You mom doesn't need to smoke a joint to get the wonderful, mellowing benefits of Cannabis. I use a tincture, and it helps me tremendously with mood. Talk to a sympathetic doctor and do some research.

It is important to take her for walks in the park whenever you can. Being outside works wonders and she can enjoy fellowship with others. If she can afford an electric wheelchair that does wonders. I did that with mom and her disposition has change dramatically.
If you can, get her on a zoom group to talk with other seniors

onlychild55: Imho, I believe you meant to say that she needs dental work as she did NOT take care of her teeth. Perhaps she requires a visit to the DDS, even though she's 90 years of age. My late mother visited the dentist at 94 years old. And I do understand that that was only one element that you've posted about. Best wishes.

Yes to all, except I moved away so, I have to do all the communicating by phone, and Mom's comical attempts to text me. She'll say "I just need to hear your voice," then when on the phone with me, says all kinds of negative things to me, reflective of our troubled relationship when I was growing up. Problem is, she won't remember any of this by the time of the next phone call. So, I guess it's pretty different as far as the relationship. When she had said "You just make me feel awful," I decided to leave her alone, and that did not go very well.

She became extremely paranoid before any other memory or dementia problems showed up. She could pass all the dementia screenings, but started blaming her nephew, whom she saw often, as the person who was stealing from her and moving things around, and adding new things to her apt. I escaped the blame for this by already living far away. This kept spiraling more and more out of control. I could not talk to her doctors, but I did mail two of them letters. Nothing ever came of them.

My son and I share her power of attorney but I dread the day we have to do anything. I hope when the day comes, the care homes don't refuse to keep her. She doesn't trust anyone.