Between my son and me, we have cared for my mother for 13 years. I alone have been caring for her 11 years. Last weekend my brother and his wife came to visit my mother. I started to vent about taking full 24/7 care for her. Tears were flowing from my eyes while I took out my frustrations. On top of caring for my mother, I am babysitting my 8 year old grand daughter until school starts. I am at my boiling point overwhelmed with too much stress.
When I mention a nursing facility to my mother, she tells me I'm throwing her away. Then my temper festers and I say hateful things. Like why can't my brother and wife take on some responsibility? She does not like my brother's wife and refuses to visit them. I don't know how my brother thinks I can handle everything with my many health problems. They are well off financially and have 3 empty bedrooms in their home. I tried to remain neutral and calm but since they have left, I am miserable.
I have anxiety and major clinical depression as well as dealing with pain management issues with my back and being isolated in a small apartment has been very challenging. My brother makes up excuses and always uses the same argument that the drive is too long and difficult to do. I think I have more than paid my dues to my mother and that she should be more compliant with my desire to place her in a good facility. I try to be kind to my sibling but now I wish I could just drop her off on his door step and give him the opportunity to spend time helping her as I have been doing. I really don't know what to do as I have been crying uncontrollably since they left to return to their home.
Neither are you.
You are making a choice to do this.
If you are clinically depressed and anxious, this is not working, is it?
Your mother plays the guilt card and you pick it up. My mother thrived, gained weight and was healthier in a NH that shed been in years. We did not " throw her away" we got her into a caregiving situation with the right professional to care for her.
Please learn to advocate for yourself before the stress kills you. Where would your mom be then?
In a NH WITHOUT a loving daughter to advocate for her.
Is is there any particular reason why you “mention a nursing facility” to your mom? Does she NEED skilled nursing care? What answer do you expect when you mention that you feel she needs more care than you can provide for her?
With her combined illnesses and altered cognitive status, the expectation of her being “compliant” is pretty low, probably even lower on the likelihood that your brother will even consider taking on the responsibility for her care.
You are NOT WRONG to look for a good nearby facility where she will be well cared for, nor you in any way wrong in wanting to enjoy a life that will be free from caregiving. You have indeed “paid your dues”.
If you start researching where to proceed from here, you may find yourself more empowered, a very good thing.
Also, unless you are committed to the fact that placement will be best for BOTH of you, your mom’s comments will continue to bother you. Do some soul searching. Self care does not mean being a bad daughter.
Placing your mother in an assisted living community is *your* choice. You do not need permission from your brother or your mother. Start touring communities by yourself or with a trusted friend. Narrow down the choices to ones you feel meet your mother's real needs, and then schedule your mother for a grand tour. AL directors are great at working with old people because they are far more objective than those of us who are in the weeds of caregiving.
Just as your brother and his wife said no, so can you.
I was you complaining about my siblings when I joined this forum. We need to vent! I did too and that’s okay. Ask anyone here if I did. They will tell you how much I boo hooed about it. You don’t have to be cheerful. If your siblings are like mine though, a discussion is futile. Give it up. do your best to just be civil or better still if you can leave when a sibling is there, take off, grab a coffee or whatever...
I received the same advice as you about my unhelpful siblings and I let go of the resentment for my siblings for my sake. They are free to make their own choices. You will not change their behavior. The only thing it accomplishes is piling on more stress.
Focus on more productive goals, such as possibly a better care plan for mom. Is that possible? Do you absolutely have to be primary caregiver? Are there alternatives that look feasible to you? Have you thought about what is best for all involved, not just her, but especially you? You count equally to her.
Go visit facilities. There are great assisted living facilities if they have the money. I checked out places in my area. I have not decided what to do either but I now have more information to assist in making a decision.
Trust me. I totally get your emotions but my emotions didn’t or won’t change a damn thing!
Best wishes to you. Take care. Hugs!
I am talking about YOU touring without her if you can. Use her money if possible for a sitter and you go tour them. I didn’t bring mom mom touring. Then you use the process of elimination to select a place.
They were able to give me a tour in about an hour or so. It won’t take all day. I had someone sit with mom while I went.
You commented in June that you have Caregiver Burnout and no wonder!! You have spent the last 13 years taking care of your Mom and doing a wonderful job of it. We all get to that point where we cannot cope by ourselves anymore and need some outside help. Did you see any ideas or suggestions on that post helpful for your situation? Are you able to find some "ME TIME" (other than when your Mom takes a nap) so that you can regenerate yourself and have more energy to take care of your Mom.
Do you have any other people such as home health aides helping take care of your Mom or are you the only one? How often does Catholic Charities Respite help take care of your Mom? Can they come more often? Are you talking with a counselor about your feelings regarding your situation? Does the psychiatrist think that your medications need to be changed again?
Do NOT expect your brother or his wife to help physically take care of your Mom. They are NOT caregivers!!! They do not have the compassion and ability to do what you are doing.
Since your brother’s visit you seem to have changed your mind about NOT putting your Mom in a nursing home. You definitely were against it according to your post in June. What happened to cause you to accept the possibility that your Mom might need to go to a nursing home? For whatever reason, I think that you are trying to do the best for your Mom, and maybe, that is having her go to a nursing home. Do not feel guilty about looking for a nursing home. Sometimes they are the “BEST” option.
Continue to look for a nursing facility close to where you live --BUT DO NOT TALK TO YOUR MOM about moving into a nursing home. When the time comes for her to move to a facility, you will just have to "DO IT".
We all care about you and many of us have been in similar situations. You need to do what is best for your Mom.
{{{HUGS}}}
Get a good physical. When there are results, take son with you so he hears what the doctor says. Make sure prior to this your doctor is told the stress you are under with no help. Let the doctor tell your son, you can't do it anymore. Just like Gma you are now a Senior too and are having your own health problems. Stress can effect these problems, make them worse.
If it's too much for you, then you must get help. Help at home or place her somewhere. She doesn't have to like it or agree to it. When deciding, you have to consider what is best for you, not just for her. You count too!
At the least, perhaps have her go into a facility on a regular basis for respite care. Then at least you can get a true break.
Good luck.
Now remember this, up to 40% of family caregivers die leaving behind the love one they were caring. Now what? Who will step up to take of your Mom?
You probably will need to do like many of us had, wait for a medical issue, 911, hospital, rehab, then into Assisted Living or a Nursing Home. As now Mom will need a village to take care of her. A major fall was the only way my own Mom could be placed in long-term-care. My Dad, on the other hand, couldn't wait to sell his home and move to senior living. He loved it there :)
As for your brother not wanting to do caregiving.... it doesn't matter if he has 10 empty rooms or none. Not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver, I know I wasn't but I did help with the logistical stuff which was exhausting enough for me. Who is your Mom's medical Power of Attorney and who is Mom's financial Power of Attorney?
You know that your brother and wife will not help. My brothers don’t lift a finger with me at home. My brother’s wife would never help out. Honestly, in all the years I have known her I have never even heard her speak about her own mother once, so why would I think she would care about mine? But that’s another story...
If you select one or two assisted living facilities that are a good fit for her you will have peace of mind just knowing that you have a back up plan. She does not have to accompany you for your initial visits to the facilities. You are just gathering information at this point.
I know you have said that she won’t agree on her own, perhaps not. You know your mom better than anyone else.
I suggest that you don’t present it as a question but rather in a precise statement. You do this by saying, “Mom, I have done all that I can for you. It is now time for you to be cared for by others. I have found a couple of facilities that I know will do an excellent job of caring for you. We will choose the one best suited to your needs. I have made arrangements for you to see your new living quarters. I will still be in your life by visiting you as often as I can.”
I think once she sees that she has no other options she will have to accept the inevitable. What else can she do?
My cousins were in this situation with my uncle. His daughters both worked full time and had their own needs like we all do.
My uncle said that he wanted a 24/7 365 nurse because he did not want to do an assisted living facility. My cousins told him, “Dad, 24/7 365 is a nursing home. We will find a place for you.” He adjusted.
They went to visit him at the nursing home regularly but the worry about his care was over. The heavy lifting on their part was over. He died at age 96. They have no regrets.
As for your mother, she will be fine, and don't let her guilt you, it is all manipulation. She doesn't care about your health, it is all about her. It is up to you to stand up and be counted!
If possible, I would look for help to get you some rest or a daily break. It's a tough situation but don't let your brothers behavior sour your life and/or disposition. Your grandchild (ren) don't need to lose you over this.
I hope this helps and that things can work out better for you. Hang in there and best of everything.
Your brother and his wife will not help. That is their choice. You cannot force them. Not to mention, your Mom does not like the wife...
I see as you have two choices:
Continue being miserable in the situation or change the situation. You need to refuse to help your Mom. Have her placed or get i home care.
You can control your life but you have to stop letting others control it.
It is time now to recognize you cannot do this any longer. First call goes to the bro. You will tell him you are very sorry, but you cannot continue in the care of y" our mother. Tell him that the subject is not open for argument or discussion. And you will now be moving forward for placement.
Next is Mom. You will tell her that you are very sorry but you cannot continue on and you will try to help her find the best place for her.
It won't be easy, any of it. It is territory you haven't traversed before. If your mother does for any reason require a hospitalization then you are able to at that time tell social workers on DAY ONE that Mom will not be coming home with you as you cannot physically or mentally care for her any longer. Do not listen to the platitudes of "We can make this work together" or "We can get you help" as they cannot get it and it will not work. Don't argue. Speak gently but clearly and do not move from your position.
As to why you took on the care ALSO of a child? I cannot begin to imagine. But, again, that was YOUR choice, and not to be blamed on someone for asking. The person who continuously takes on more than they can conceivably do is ALWAYS the one who gets asked.
You may need counselling to get set in your head how to proceed. A licensed Social Worker who counsels on life changes is best, because often enough the psychologist is some young Masters Degree person who passes out platitude such as "And what are you doing for yourSELF" like candies.
people will continue to walk all over you if you keep saying yes.
2
Pack up your mothers things. Call your brother and say you are done. That’s it. No discussion. Mean it. Let your brother solve this. Tell him she will be ready on a certain date and you will be having a break so please don’t be late coming to get her as she will be alone
It sound to me that you have allowed yourself to be used by family. It’s amazing how quickly they will find solutions
and don’t be bullied with the “we will never speak to you again” bulldust. So what. That only shows their true colours
Next, who has durable Power of Attorney for your mom? I'm hoping it's you. This is important if you want to get her admitted to a NH.
Is your brother on board with her going into a NH? If not, it doesn't matter. He's not the one with bad health and burnout.
Let your brother know a deadline by which you need your mom out. Make sure it is a reasonable amount of time. Ask him to help you with this. If he refuses, inform him that the plan goes forward whether he's on board or not, as you are done.
How you get your mom into a home if you don't have PoA or when she is resistant is another story. You may have to trick her into getting her there, with help from the facility and your son. If neither you nor your bro have PoA and your mom won't give it, you may need to seek guardianship. Please don't give up hope...it will get worse before it gets better but it will get better. Eat the elephant one bite at a time.
In a post in June, you wrote: "I'm doing this because i don't want my mother to be forgotten in a nursing home. There are still horror stories of elderly being left in soiled diapers, developing bedsores and so on that i wish to spare her from this type of indifference."
Do you still feel this way? Are you or are you not open to the idea of putting your mother in a NH?
If you expect your mother to move in with your brother, that is not going to happen. She doesn't want that, and I'm sure your brother doesn't, either. So you are not going to be able to force that issue.
I highly doubt it. Your mother needs to go to a nursing home and that's that. If you got hit by a bus tomorrow what do you think your brother would do...I'm guessing put her in nursing home. As for your son, he doesn't get to make the decisions....you do. You either chose to live with the situation til she dies or you do what you know you should do for your own health and mental well-being.
You are not selfish, it's called self preservation.
You are not selfish for living your life.
You are not selfish for putting yourself first!
Those 3 sentences need to be said by every caregiver. It helps you take your power back in your own life so the guilt doesn't over rule you. (My therapist taught me that and it works and helps)
All of us caregivers on here have had to seriously consider our options and no they definitely aren't easy ones. My mum who lives with me knows that if she ends up in a wheelchair I can't lift her so she would have to go to nursing home, if she gets Alzheimer's she will be placed in nursing home. Do I like the idea of her being in a nursing home I'm 50/50 because of staff numbers & treatment. But I also know my mental health is more important and so is my health which both have deteriorated since her moving in with me. When the day comes for her to go to a nursing home it will be the hardest day in my life but I also know i can't keep up with her needs. All of my grandparents were put in nursing homes and she wasn't her mother's carer so I think I've well n truly done my time (16years so far). I am looking forward to having my life back all be it without her in my life which may sound harsh but I'm sure a few will agree that they have those thoughts to. I will be in a nursing home when I'm older, I don't have anyone else to take care of me as I have given up on relationships & career & have health issues and that's due to being her carer.
It won't be easy for you but definitely start looking at facilities now! The waiting list can be long unless she goes straight from hospital. You have to tell nurses and drs that you need her assessed as she isn't coming home. I live in Australia so it might be different where you live.
If your mum was 40 years younger I bet she wouldn't want to be this burden on her daughter's life & she would want her daughter to live her own life.