My sibling has full financial control of my parents' care in AL and SIL does appointments outside as needed. Problem, she constantly complains about their depression, their cleanliness, their desire for outings, store etc. She refuses to do. We live in different states, I recently toured a facility near me to relocate them as I don’t work and did their care totally prior to my Dad's hip fx, but they talked them out of it.
I offer to try and get shut out, unless I comply and move to where they are, which I will not do, I have health issues, disabled, etc.
Every time I ask about anything it’s an act of congress.
I’ve been told by so many people to just let it go, but they’re MY PARENTS 😢
For your own peace of mind, take a trip down to see your folks so YOU can determine what's going on for YOURSELF. Then you can call BS on your sibling and SIL when they start in again with their exaggerated tirades. And, if there really IS an issue going on with the folks, you'll see it for yourself and be able to make an informed decision then and there.
Wishing you the best of luck seeing with your own two eyes what's REALLY going on with your folks.
I do not disagree with the recommendation for the poster to visit her parents in the AL facility. I would assume she has already but if she hasn't she should. It took my equally resentful SIL for the same reason 3 years to first visit my inlaws. Granted some of that time was at the height of COVID making travel not feasible. But she did she talk to my inlaws on the phone frequently...once every three months...more if there were birthdays involved.
For all you know they could be fine and being very well cared for. It could just be a case of your SIL being a martyr who wants to complain. In her defense, it is not up to her to make sure your parents are happy, clean, and entertained. The person she should be complaining to is her husband (your brother) who controls the purse strings. He needs to take it up with the AL that gets paid to care for your parents.
Go visit though. Go and see for yourself what's going on. In a way you're lucky that you don't have POA and aren't responsible.
As far as cleanliness, not sure if that is person or household cleanliness. AL's are not going to clean up everything if they are hoarders...just enough to keep their environment safe. If it is personal care, then it should be addressed if it hasn't already and the solution depends on the underlying problem. If like my MIL, she wants more outings and visits to store than feasible. We also limit it due to her vulnerability to COVID and flu. The SIL takes them to appointments. While AL can, there may be a reason for family to take them. In my MIL's case, she is profoundly hard of hearing and has memory issues so it is best for family to be present rather than have AL do it and only have the summary to look at.
I don't disagree that she should go see her mom, hang around the AL and meet other residents and staff and understand the routine. But there is nothing I see as a reason to have proposed uprooting them from the environment they chose.
I would go and visit without any offer to help. Then you can see what the reality is and step in, if needed.
They could very well need a higher level of care and brother isn't seeing this because his wife has a martyr complex going on and is shielding him from what is needed, so she can sacrifice her life for them.
Obviously they don't want your help. However, you do need to put eyeballs on the situation to ensure your parents are getting the care they need. Take pictures, get parents to sign a HIPAA release for you, talk with their facility to find out what they think of how they are doing and decide what actions you need to take after your visit.
Best of luck. This is a hard situation.
"I am so sorry to hear about all of this. I trust you to make the right decisions. Let me know if there's something I can do to help."
Then you get on with your own life.
If you are unable to do this I would see a counselor to work out what might work best for you.
The AL they are in should offer transportation. They should have outings where the residents are taken shopping and visit places. Call and see if they do.
How do you think you will be able to do for parents if you have health problems and a disability. And sibling holds the purse strings. Your Mom is 77 (you should take her name and birth date out of ur profile) thats not old. Her health issues will get worse as time goes on and she will need more care than an AL can give.
You made an offer, it was refused. I agree, if you can't move to where ur parents are, then ur going to need to let it go.
You can also call them frequently to cheer them up and text them(if they know how to text.) You can also send them a "care" package of some of their favorite food items and the like. You're going to have to figure out ways from afar to bring some joy to them and be grateful that in your condition that you don't have control over them. Because as the saying goes...be careful what you wish for.
You owe this poster an apology, in my opinion.
How, exactly, do you want to help?
You mention you are disabled? Do you have any funds to hire help for your parents? That would be a help to everyone.
If you don’t have have funds to hire help, you and your sibling/SIL need to stop this game of control. Your SIL lives closer to your parents, and has accepted the job of primary caregiver. Sure, it’s not without complaints…it’s one of the hardest jobs around.
For you parents sake, find a way to help from afar. Find a way to help your sibling/SIL care for your parents that doesn’t involve a “tug of war” between you all. Getting more help to be hands on for them would be great. Hire someone to take them out or to appts.
Your SIL may be exhausted and while you think it’s an act of congress to get info, please realize that there are not enough hours in the day for caregivers. Getting extra help hired is the best move, and if you can’t afford that, then find a way that works for both you and your sibling.
Can you visit? Can you see for yourself after a couple of days what the sitch is. Maybe you can see a more concrete way to help. I’m not sure why you want to rock the boat at this point. I’m sure you mean well, but moving your parents isn’t an answer.
Do things from afar, call them, give words of encouragement. Hire some additional help…even if you can only afford once or twice, at least it shows you understand the need for help.
Keep us posted.
Maybe it’s worth a visit to understand what’s really going on before saying your sibling and SIL who are doing the work that they aren’t doing the work to your expectations. Also, if the parents are cognitively alert, they can change the POA to you - so if they aren’t willing, that speaks volumes.
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