How can I be involved in my parents' care if I’m shut out at every attempt?

Next time SIL or sibling complain, tell them you have offered a solution but they refuse to take the offer. For personal reasons, you cannot/will not relocate.

The AL they are in should offer transportation. They should have outings where the residents are taken shopping and visit places. Call and see if they do.

How do you think you will be able to do for parents if you have health problems and a disability. And sibling holds the purse strings. Your Mom is 77 (you should take her name and birth date out of ur profile) thats not old. Her health issues will get worse as time goes on and she will need more care than an AL can give.

You made an offer, it was refused. I agree, if you can't move to where ur parents are, then ur going to need to let it go.

If your sibling has both POA's for your parents then there really is nothing you can do, but go and visit when you can and try and be a bright spot in their lives.
You can also call them frequently to cheer them up and text them(if they know how to text.) You can also send them a "care" package of some of their favorite food items and the like. You're going to have to figure out ways from afar to bring some joy to them and be grateful that in your condition that you don't have control over them. Because as the saying goes...be careful what you wish for.

Have you gone to visit and see what the situation really looks like?

I would go and visit without any offer to help. Then you can see what the reality is and step in, if needed.

They could very well need a higher level of care and brother isn't seeing this because his wife has a martyr complex going on and is shielding him from what is needed, so she can sacrifice her life for them.

Obviously they don't want your help. However, you do need to put eyeballs on the situation to ensure your parents are getting the care they need. Take pictures, get parents to sign a HIPAA release for you, talk with their facility to find out what they think of how they are doing and decide what actions you need to take after your visit.

Best of luck. This is a hard situation.

Isthisreayreal is right. You should visit and see for yourself what your parents' situation looks like.
For all you know they could be fine and being very well cared for. It could just be a case of your SIL being a martyr who wants to complain. In her defense, it is not up to her to make sure your parents are happy, clean, and entertained. The person she should be complaining to is her husband (your brother) who controls the purse strings. He needs to take it up with the AL that gets paid to care for your parents.
Go visit though. Go and see for yourself what's going on. In a way you're lucky that you don't have POA and aren't responsible.

You write them the occasional nice note or give them the occasional nice phone call or text saying:

"I am so sorry to hear about all of this. I trust you to make the right decisions. Let me know if there's something I can do to help."
Then you get on with your own life.
If you are unable to do this I would see a counselor to work out what might work best for you.

I like some of the other answers too. I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

I would agree with other and you can phone, write and visit when you are able to. Just wondering why your parent can't decide for themselves, does your sibling have POA for finance and health or just finance? If it's just finance, there's no reason they couldn't move closer for health reasons, so you can look after them more. Ideally your parents should know if they're not happy, and sounds like they're expressing it already. If they are not happy there they should speak to you about moving. If your parents agree then you can seek legal advice to move your parents.

I understand that cost could be involved with legal matters, maybe legal aid if available to just see what your options are.

Keep us posted on your situation, it's good to follow and see how things end up for people writing questions.

It's always good to get info on where you stand legally even via legal aid first, but ideally if your parents agree it would be much easier. Your sibling does not have control over their happiness right? just the finances..

Best wishes.

There's a good chance your sibling & SIL are just exaggerating your parents issues to make THEIR 'sacrifices' sound SO enormous. There's a good chance everything is perfectly fine with your folks in the ALF and there ARE no real issues to speak of, just the standard complaints of the elderly about aches & pains, the 'food sucks' in the ALF, and the rest of the usual nonsense that is NOT life threatening or overly urgent in any way. That's my call on this matter.

For your own peace of mind, take a trip down to see your folks so YOU can determine what's going on for YOURSELF. Then you can call BS on your sibling and SIL when they start in again with their exaggerated tirades. And, if there really IS an issue going on with the folks, you'll see it for yourself and be able to make an informed decision then and there.

Wishing you the best of luck seeing with your own two eyes what's REALLY going on with your folks.

They’re your parents, but they’re not an albatross around your neck. Detach and let go. Your sibling is in charge and you need to accept that.

My God, this is a Toughie! Please follow what some of our reader said and travel in to see the situation yourself.

I had one situation when one sibling would not let me visit my late father. I told my psychotherapist, who told me to see him and glad I did. Fortunately, he was local, so I showed up without prior notice to see him under hospice care at home with his wife, 5 months before he passed.

My first gut response to this is that it doesn't make much sense to move your parents to another state to be in the care of someone who has health issues and is disabled. Why would they do that...

SIL may think you are a safe person to vent to. SIL may be resentful that most of the tasks are falling on her and they aren't her parents. Your brother may have all of your parents bills set up on auto pay and isn't really contributing to the care of your parents. He should be the one running his/your parents around to the store and visiting...not your SIL. I see that as the real issue here.

You are expecting your parents to do something (move) that you are not willing (able?) to do yourself. Ignore the complaints and keep the ststus quo.

Well, other than moving your parents closer to you, which could hinder your sibling/SIL ability to be POA she may be more comfortable being closer and having POA, rather than not be near them to see first hand.

How, exactly, do you want to help?

You mention you are disabled? Do you have any funds to hire help for your parents? That would be a help to everyone.

If you don’t have have funds to hire help, you and your sibling/SIL need to stop this game of control. Your SIL lives closer to your parents, and has accepted the job of primary caregiver. Sure, it’s not without complaints…it’s one of the hardest jobs around.

For you parents sake, find a way to help from afar. Find a way to help your sibling/SIL care for your parents that doesn’t involve a “tug of war” between you all. Getting more help to be hands on for them would be great. Hire someone to take them out or to appts.

Your SIL may be exhausted and while you think it’s an act of congress to get info, please realize that there are not enough hours in the day for caregivers. Getting extra help hired is the best move, and if you can’t afford that, then find a way that works for both you and your sibling.

Can you visit? Can you see for yourself after a couple of days what the sitch is. Maybe you can see a more concrete way to help. I’m not sure why you want to rock the boat at this point. I’m sure you mean well, but moving your parents isn’t an answer.

Do things from afar, call them, give words of encouragement. Hire some additional help…even if you can only afford once or twice, at least it shows you understand the need for help.

Keep us posted.

When you say ‘be involved’, what do you mean by that? Since you don’t live nearby and have your own health issues, the only involvement I can think of would be you wanting to give them advice which they don’t seem to appreciate. There’s not much you can do about that. Are you wanting to pay for caregiver or housekeeper service to alleviate the complaints by your SIL?

Families are weird. I don't get it either. When growing up, my dad hit us a lot. I told everyone as I grew up. I "buried the hatch" when I got married. Years later, step-mother said, "your dad never hit you" - I disagreed. She back pedaled a bit and said, "he never hit you when I was around" - again, I shared a memory. This resulted in them cutting me out of their lives. I visited my dad years later, unannounced, to again, "bury the hatch" and basically say "goodbye" because he was old and I didn't want it on my conscience that when he died we'd left life unresolved (even the chance of, ya know?) Sister was angry I visited, but understood. They called her to complain fiercely. I spoke to step-mother for maybe 3 minutes and was as nasty as could be, but dad was glad to see me and we talked for about a half hour. They all act as if it was the end of the world. I had to fly to another state for this tiny conversation, but I thought it worth it. Dad and I did said we loved each other but he didn't want me to talk to me again. He was "ok" if he heard about me through my sister and vice a verse. This was painful but I accepted it. I just had to hear him say he didn't hate me. So, about 18 months later (last month) dad died and my sister didn't tell me until after the funeral and after she was already home for a few days (they all live in different states).

She thinks I'm upset dad passed. I'm upset because she told me after all this happened - 2 weeks. I let her know I was mad, not in a nasty way but an honest way. We haven't spoken since. I'm not a bad person. It really hurts. I believe if she cares about 'our' relationship, she owes me an apology but I don't think she even sees that and she knows better. Maybe she doesn't care. She was "doing what she was told" and that....what....absolves her?

Sorry I made this about me; this is fresh still. When your sister complains ask her how you can help without moving. I'm sure you have though. Make up a gentle excuse to get off the phone when you've had enough. For stubbornness, all there is is to wait and pray, love them in your heart, have a good emotional support system around you, be ready when a crack opens, and focus on TODAY, on your life ahead of you; just be ready and accept the pain & let God love on you, shielding you from the worst of it. Hugs.

This may be a blessing in disguise. You say you have health issues, so that makes caregiving harder. You say the parents are depressed and want outings. Your solution is to move them near you but the parents may still have unrealistic expectations: We want to live with you. We aren’t happy in AL. We don’t like the food. We want to go (insert location).

Maybe it’s worth a visit to understand what’s really going on before saying your sibling and SIL who are doing the work that they aren’t doing the work to your expectations. Also, if the parents are cognitively alert, they can change the POA to you - so if they aren’t willing, that speaks volumes.

Just stop trying so hard, let them enjoy their lifestyle until you/your sibling need to call Adult Protective Services to evaluate their mental and physical health. Perhaps have your local Assisted Living facilities send them brochures with happy seniors living the "good life." Have them send to your sibling, too, who has all the power.

Just to make it clear. Some posters didn't seem to realize some of the following... 1) your parents are currently in AL (Assisted Living) that they apparently CHOSE to do 2) you wanted them to move to be an AL (Assisted Living) facility near you in spite of your own healthcare problems and disability; 3) you say the "problem" your SIL allegedly complained about caring for them; 4) you had no complaints about your brother, Assisted Living Facility and staff, or were there listed complaints by your parents justifying a move; 5) you feel you somehow can be more involved in their care remotely;
6) You complain about having difficulty in getting answer to your questions.

1) You did not indicate that your parents objected to living with your brother. In fact, he apparently was entrusted by them with their finances and healthcare decisions. I would assume that is via POA. They also rejected your plan to move them.
2) You wanted to move them to an AL near you. Seems rather selfish to want to move them for no logical reason requiring the uprooting them where they likely now have friends, have Dr.'s, local banks, furnishing and possessions to be moved, etc.
3) You clearly have resentment towards both your brother and SIL for your parent's decision to move near your brother and SIL. I suspect from my own experience with a very resentful SIL for the same reason, you are exaggerating, misinterpreting, and minimizing what she and your brother do for your parents. The only "problem" you've stated is one that seems to have no data behind it.
4) You have not complained about your brother or the care by the Assisted Living Facility. Other than alleging your SIL refuses to take them on outings and to the store, your parents have apparently no complained. If they are like my 90 year old MIL, she is taken to the store and has outings but complains it is not often enough. Are you really going to get them out more having healthcare problems and a disability of your own?
5) As others have asked, what sort of involvement are you alleging you want when you live remotely and are not able to gather the data as easily as your brother and SIL? Having experience as an out of state daughter, I trusted my brother and SIL just as my mom did and focused on communication with my mom multiple times a week and with a few visits per year that I felt I could afford. I got verbal assurance mom was o.k. financially and an overview of her health. I did not need to know details. I never expected to have to make any kind of medical decisions because to do that I would have to be there.
6) I don't know the history of your sibling relationship. But from the level of resentment displayed in your post, I'm sure it is not currently good. You might think about your motives for asking for information you aren't getting; whether your parents would want to share it with you; and how you have responded to past information provided; whether you are complaining about his wife to your brother; and the fact that you tried to undermine them by promoting moving to your parents. Seems you have some reflection to do and given them a reason to open the door more to communication.

Most of all, take care of yourself. Enjoy your parents via phone and as much as you can possibly visit them in person. Be grateful rather than resentful for the care that your brother and SIL provide to your parents.

Well obviously you are most likely dealing with people who have " control" issues and, these control issues can come from many directions: usually money is indeed at the "root" of all things and, they most likely fear losing control of the money.

You may want to request a family meeting with them and professionals such as a licensed social worker and/or facility chaplain or other from the facility and/or include your faith leader . These professionals can mediate an appropriate "family meeting" where your concerns can be both voiced and heard and documented towards a better understanding of the needs.

You can also always contact an Elder Care attorney and talk with them about the dynamics and situation .

If " they talked them out of it" as you say, you will want to be sure that the parents rights are being honored and that they are not being unduly coerced or forced by guilt etc into making decisions that may or may not be in their best interest.

I see the "complaint" by the poster just a sign of resentment for her parent's decision to be near the brother and stay there when she tried to move them. I don't see uprooting them a "solution" when there was no legitimate reason to uproot them.

Yes, AL's offer transportation to doctor's offices but perhaps there is a reason for the SIL and the brother too if he does to take them. My husband or I choose to take my MIL because she is profoundly deaf and has memory issues. The poster never said the SIL complained about it. She did say "as needed"...could mean when they have appointment or when her husband or Al can't take her. AL's in bigger cities have specific days for Dr.'s in different areas.

I am also not going to believe that neither their AL, the brother, or the SIL do not take them to the store or outings. If it is like my MIL, it is not whether she is taken to the store but that she complains she doesn't get to go enough. It has been 5 years since she gave up her car and still misses being able to get up and go out whenever she wants. I'm not sure someone with health issues and a disability could haul them around has much as they want especially if they are using walkers or a wheechair. If not now, it is likely walkers or wheelchairs will be in their future.

I'm sorry but i think your offer is ridiculous. You want your two aged probably disabled parents to get up, pack all their stuff, and move to accomodate you?because you don't feel comfortable listening to your sister's complaining and feeling guilty that you don't contribute more? WOW, wow is all i can say. You say you are disabled and can't move but number one: expect your disabled elderly parents to move? You do realize that moving is like in the top five things that are over the top stressful to people and you want to move two old people to another state? away from a town they probably are use to and know where everything is, their doctors, clinics, restraunts, parks, church? two; you are disabled.and have your own health problems?..how are you going to take care of two elderly disabled people? By visiting them in a home? A home isn't you taking care of them. It is paying someone to take care of them and believe me, what your sister is doing now for them, they wouldn't get even get close to the attention in a home. I wouldn't consider myself disabled if i could manage to take care of two elderly people even healthy ones but from the sound of it your dad has multiple hip issues and probably more to come being he is not getting any younger. Please stop. Just stop accept the guilt you are to far away to do any good or make a difference. Why not take a vacation and stay with your parents for a month or two and give your sister some assistance instead of coming up with things that just sound a bit crazy and unrealistic. You should be sending your sister any extra money you have for taking care of your parents and doing your share. Sorry i just say it how i read it.

As long as they aren’t being abused or neglected, I would stay out of it. They are old and they aren’t going to get better no matter what you do. Sadly, our parents get depressed, argumentative and senile in their old age and not much but turning back the clock will improve things. It would be easier for you to move than your elderly parents unless you’re staying for your kids and grandkids which you don’t mention.

Let it go and just be a loyal visitor!

Let them live life the way they want until such a time where they're incapacitated and can't make healthy and informed decisions. That is when you need to call Adult Protective services.

For now, just be a good and loyal visitor.

Kikpop: If at all possible, maybe you should visit your parents so you can see for yourself the true story/get first hand information.

Visit, visit, visit. You can go anytime that works for you

Offer to go and stay so they can have a vacation. Let them pick the dates. They need it. They deserve it.

Thank your SIL. These aren’t her parents yet she is handling a heavy lift. Send her occasional cards, gifts, but most of all, make sure she has breaks (covered by you) and feels your sincere appreciation.

Your gratitude will help significantly.

Never criticize anything they do.

And if you truly want to do more, move there, stop making excuses.

I visit my parents one to two weeks a month and take care of financials and incidentals around the home including shopping for supplies for the next month so the caregivers are not coaxed into using their own money (sigh). My parents have home care nurses. There are always complaints, always issues. My sister dashes in for a day here or there. No more than a day. She thinks she can get her dad back for a whole day of whatever and wonders why I have to go out every month. My dad had a stroke Nov 2022 and still cannot safely and consistently transfer by himself. When my sister is done with her day with dad, he is exhausted and physical therapist that visits every week day knows that he will only work arms that day. My mother still drives, but not appropriately for my dad who needs "smooth" not "roller coaster" (dips in road that my mother goes through at speed).
All that said as prep. My husband and I made it a driving trip this time and stopped and spent the night at my sister's home on the way home. We had never seen the rebuilt house (burnt to the ground about 5 years ago). Finally during that visit she said "I understand why you go every month." She still is not sure why it has to be a week, but she's coming around.
This trip my husband and

Cam you afford to go once a month or so to help out and to spend some time?

It is nice to hear that a sibling would like to help. Many of us here do not have that luxury. I would like some help as long as it is truly help and not me jumping through hoops to make you feel better about not being close by. Could you please finish the projects you say you are going to finish. Help me with entertaining them because that is where I fall short I have everything else flowing smoothly. Stop judging and criticizing me behind my back. That is how you can help.

Sounds like you need to have a 'sit down honest' talk with your sibling(s) about her/their resistance or concerns with what you suggest (relocate them closer to you).

You need to find out the reason(s) why she/they behave in ways wherein you feel shut out. This needs to be resolved before anything else can - unless you want / choose to continue to give in to the perimeters she/they make.

That your sister responds/behaves as you say and doesn't appear to have a reasonable, clear discussion with you about this is, in large part, the problem that needs to be resolved.

Insist on a discussion and be very clear. Stand up for yourself and your parents.

Gena / Touch Matters

I think the reason why you are being shut out is because all you do is suggest....no actual action, and from brother/SIL point of view, the suggestions are not usable/viable/take too much effort.

my2cents suggested that you go there once a month or so and help out and spend some time.

I echo the suggestion. Then you can see first hand what is actually happening. Then you can make the suggestions and figure out how you can directly help. In addition, by being there, you are putting aside your needs and showing your sibling/SIL and parents that you are willing to help out, and not just talk about it.

I know that you said that you have health issues, disabled, etc. Therefore, if you cannot be there and see what is actually going on, then I suggest that you help both parties, by just being a listening ear to the person who is complaining. Just empathize with them and listen (no judgement). If it is something that needs action, tell them that they need to discuss it directly with the person.

Your role to both sides, then will be an empathetic ear to your parents, and for your brother/SIL. Best of all, you will no longer be the phone call that brother/SIL don't answer. (BTW...don't divulge anything what the other side has told you unless it is life threatening.)

P.S. My sister is only able to see my Mom twice a year, about 1 week at a time. In my case, there are some days where my Mom is totally uncooperative. I walk away from my Mom, frustrated and angry. I call my sister and she does a fantastic job of just letting me blow off steam to her. She doesn't provide solutions, just reminds me of how bad it could be/was and is willing to listen. When the phone conversation ends, I feel like I'm ready to sleep on it and go visit the next day. When my Mom complains to my sister, she just listens. When the nurses tell my sister something, she tells them to take it up with me. That's the kind of empathetic listener you want to be. That is the kind of help that you can provide from afar, that benefits everyone.