Just lost my Dad five weeks ago very suddenly, went in his sleep. I can't keep this house maintained. How can I bow out?

scadvice, oh I can understand how some parent(s) think they have years to decide. Earlier this year I previewed a fantastic retirement community, it felt like a 5-star resort.... I was ready to sign up myself :)

I gave my parents the huge brochure on the place and raved about it... couple days later Dad said the place really looked nice, maybe they will decide in a couple of years.... HELLO, you are 92 and 96 years old !!!

Either they are in denial about their age and limitations, or it is their generation as the generation before them lived in their single family homes forever unless a serious illness placed them into a nursing home.

Who owns the house? Mom? Can her assets help her to be in a ALF?

We are this week moving my mom, who is 91, to one and it is, I think the best thing we have done for her. She was living by herself (so a little different situation) and I think she is looking forward having people to interact with during the day now.

This came about do to mom's failing health also, my living 2 1/2 hrs away, and my sisters job demands, who lives a block away.
Our goal was to give as much freedom for as long as we could but that is over now and I think we have been fortunate. We've managed her assets financially to be able with her SS and a very small pension to be able to hopefully allow five more years of good care. After that we just have to see...

My point and thought is I guess it's time for you to look at mom's going forward health and assets too. Then attempt to and try to forecast and plan for her years moving forward. The sisters want to take over now and that's OK... but the burden on everyone will continue to increase over time so planning now how to deal with it is only prudent as they will burn out and there will be problems. Each will feel they are getting all the pressure mom's at times. Mom will feel the weight of her being a burden to the family and react at times to it also.

With my mom, it was a year ago the subject came up and we decided it was time to discuss the possibility, we included mom in this planning for the most part, but also discussed it individually and at times without her. Scenarios were laid out and what you would have to do to handle them. Money unfortunately for all of us is the biggest plan buster. Where is it going to come from and what to do if and when it runs out? Both my sister and I had spent a lot of time going over to mom's for a number of years now and helping her. Dad's been gone almost twenty years now.

The when we finally realized it was time for mom to move, it was a bit in shocker to her and it took a few days for her to get a handle on it. Actually, more like a week. I remember saying, "Mom your becoming less and less able to live alone and we need to start the process of moving you to a care home". She said " Oh... I guess I can see that coming. I am having trouble at times. Well, I guess we should start working on it soon." I said, "Mom, it's at the point that we need to do this in the next month, two at the most..." She blinked at me and looked away then sort of paled and said, "I really was thinking of two or three years..." It seems we were remiss in keeping her thinking of sooner, rather than later. It was a tearful day.

Mom's mental capacity is still outstanding (though a bit naive) so we believe continuing mental health is our focus at this time then physical, though they do tend to overlap significantly in need. Bluntly, we looked at predicting how many years she has left and how we could best give her joy in living those years... keeping in mind that any of this can change at any given time and she could also out live our plans.

Funding planning was and continues to be the focus. Disagreements in care between family also continues to have it problems. However a path and plan has developed. Still last minute doubts and problems continue pop up too.

I hope this helps... I didn't plan on telling my story...just give things to pass on to you and your family to think about.

Something similar happened when my dad passed away. Mom was left with a big house and three acres. She made a deal with a close friend to keep the acre around the house mowed with my dad's riding lawn mower. He got to use the mower for his own property and it was given to him when Mom sold the house. She was able to keep up the house, and wouldn't even consider moving. She eventually sold the other two acres to a neighbor whose land ran parallel to them. She, too, started falling. I think her doctor had her over medicated. She was taking Darvocet for pain; but there were times I would call and she would wake and be disoriented. She didn't know if it were night or day. Eventually she was staying with my husband and me for the weekend, slipped in a bathroom, and broke her hip. After emergency surgery and a long stay in acute care, the doctor gave her no choice about living alone. So, she had to sell the house and acre. I am an only child, so everything was pretty much left for me to handle. I visited every ALF in our part of town and picked three for her to choose from. She felt good about the ambiance and the residents and staff at the first one where we ate lunch, so we didn't look any further. She was really unhappy about not being able to drive, and it took her awhile to adjust...but she learned to appreciate being relieved of cooking, cleaning, and keeping up a yard. Yes, you are right about your dad's pension or pensions. Since my dad's SS check was higher than hers, she continued to receive that. His pensions from the Navy and Civil Service, however, were cut by about half. She could never understand that and continued living just like they used to, so it wasn't long before she was in financial trouble. My dad left the house and both vehicles paid for, and there was a very large life insurance policy on him. She was in such debt by the time I had to start doing her finances that she would not been able to afford an ALF. She had refinanced her home so many times that she had little equity left. Fortunately I was able to subsidize her three checks in order for her to live at the ALF that she chose and have some extras that made her last years comfortable. In your case, you have sisters who are able and willing to give you a break. By all means, let them do it. You have been devoted enough to stay with her a long time. You are a wonderful daughter, and don't ever feel guilty if it is time for you to resume your life and let your sister's step in. It broke my heart to watch my mom go through many, many years of memories and downsize to the ALF, but I knew if she stayed with us I would lose my husband and marriage. I also realized that she would get better care there than I could give her. Most importantly, when I went to visit her or take her out, we would be able to enjoy being together. I used to go to my dad's grave and ask him what he would tell me about certain things. I know he is not there, but I find it peaceful to visit, anyway. I knew my dad well enough that I knew exactly what he would tell me if he knew all of the circumstances of a situation. In the case of mom and the ALF, I knew he loved me enough that he would want me to take care of myself and my husband....and to make sure mom was safe and comfortable. Many times, when I took mom out for something special, she told me how proud of me my dad would be. I just smiled, knowing that he and I had already discussed things...and and I knew he would be pleased. So, it is time for you find peace within yourself and do what is best for you....and for your mom. I wish you well. Keep us posted, for support or just to let us know how things are going. Go forth and be happy!

Lisa, as there are other things you want to do, and other people you're just as important to as you are to your mother, if you want my twopenn'orth I'd say it's time to let your sisters do their bit now. Hold her hand until your sisters have had a chance to sort themselves out and get arrangements in place, then make your move with your head held high.

It is most likely in your mom's best interests to move her into a facility that can offer her close medical supervision and an array of services she might not need now? But will in the future.

When your dad was alive, you had help with care giving, even if it was just neither having to be alone when you went out. Without that back-up, it won't take long at all until you're either completely burned out or letting your mom fend for herself even as she becomes less and less safe left alone. Dad begged you to come "take care of mom" because he was unable to do it by himself. You'll soon be in the same boat.

With your mom having to sell her homestead, it is the perfect time to change her to something that will work for the long haul, You moving with her to another place will just delay the inevitable. One major adjustment and done.

Move back to Orange County to be near the rest of your family.

Mom is all for downsizing. She understands we can't live here anymore. They lived here for thirty years, so it very hard for her to come to terms with. At this point it's either should I stay or should I go? While my dad was alive, he begged me to come and take care of mom, we all thought her time was limited .now what?do I go with my mom for my dads sake? Or let my sisters takeover? Oh, by the way, she has congestive heart failure ( we almost lost her three times) advanced dementia, diabetes, fall risk etc..... Wow, I just laid it all on the table, I'm so greatful for everyone's advice and I hope to hear more from every one! THX!!

Lisa, don't rush. Five weeks is not very long. Take all the time you need to think this through. I'm so sorry for your sudden loss of your father, but hope it's some comfort that he went in such a peaceful manner.

Meanwhile, yes it is absolutely all right for you to step away now. You have done a great deal for your parents and can hand over responsibility with honour. I share your feeling that it would be nice to see your mother safely to a soft landing (that's how I've come to phrase it to myself), but I also share your practical difficulties in seeing that wish through. I don't think that either of us should watch the rest of our lives go down in flames, especially not if it still won't be possible for our mothers to have the last years we would like them to.

I only have one question: assuming she's able to express a view, what does your mother want? Because the sole reason I can think of for opposing your sisters' plans would be both of a) your mother hating the idea AND b) either your mother or yourself having a better, practical option to put on the table.

Sorry to hear about your Dad.

Regarding income, once your Dad had passed, his Social Security stops, there is no way around that. I don't think too many parents think about that situation and plan accordingly as they get older.

In your profile you said you made a pact that you would care for your parents at home until the day they die. I think we all have this grand idea of taking care of one's parents until they are no longer with us. But usually that idea is thought about and talked about when one's parents are healthy and still mobile... none of us think 5-10 years head about what happens when one's parents can't take care of themselves and all the sudden you are a caregiver working 24 hours a day, seven day a week for years on end.

The secret is to have the best care for one's parent(s), and in some cases it is usually having them move into a continuing care facility with professionals who work 8 hour shifts, who go home to their own family, and start fresh the next day. Think of it this way, look at all the new friends you Mom will make with those from her own generation :)

Lisaiuv, your sisters are doing the right thing. You might not see it now, but after awhile you'll be grateful.

Sorry about your dad. Being in a seniors place sounds to me, like the best thing for your mom. Thousands of caregivers would love to be in your shoes. You had charge of your parents for 3 years, and your sisters are stepping up to take over. Thank them. You can still visit your mom and be as involved as you want to be.

Are your sisters near your mother? You mom might be more content in a senior apt. Keeping up a large tract of property is very burdensome, especially if you don't have the funds for it. And who decreased your mom's income? I would look into that. Find out what she is legally entitled to.

You deserve to be where you want to live. Good luck.

Yes, of course, you can bow out. Seems like they've got it handled. Spending the rest of her days out with family isn't always, or even usually in my opinion, the best thing to do,