My dad will be 83 in a couple weeks. My mom died 9 years ago. I am an only child and live 2 miles from his house passing by every day. I have no children and I work full time (I have to).
Five years ago, he invited an old female work friend to move in with him as he felt sorry for her because she couldn’t afford her rent. I didn’t like this but what could I do? (She stormed out of the house in November of last year only to move back in in May of this year).
Before going into heart failure 2 years ago, he was still in fairly good health and still working every day (as a heavy equipment operator, which he did his whole life). Since then, he is done working and his health has deteriorated. In addition to heart problems, he is in kidney failure, has diabetes and high blood pressure.
He does have beginning dementia. He can still bath, groom, dress, cook, grocery shop and drive himself. I manage his meds (because there are so many), pay his bills (even though I think he could still do that himself if he needed to) and take him to dr. appts. He doesn’t always remember to take his meds and I try to call in the morning and evening. I usually get a frustrated, cranky response because I think he gets tired of me nagging him. I always have to remind him of his appointments even though it's plotted on the calendar and I got him a special clock with day, date, time on it that would be helpful - and I think it is to some point.
It’s hard working full time while doing those things for him and managing my own home.
And when it comes to finances, I tried to tell him to stop spending so much. I showed him how he spent way more than he brought in the past year. He pays cash for everything and takes so much out of his account every month – more than he needs. I don’t know where the money is going and I can’t prove anything. He just shrugs his shoulders as if to say “oh well.”
He has become increasingly cranky and stubborn and doesn’t even watch Nascar races anymore – he’s been interested in that all his life.
The part that annoys the heck out of me is his “friend”, who is 70 years old doesn’t bother to help him with taking his medication. She is living there for free. She just does what she wants and doesn’t seem to be interested in making him good meals either. I really think she expects me to do it. I tried to get him to try our local Meals on Wheels or go to our local hospital to get cheap nutritious meals but he wants no part of it. H just thinks he can still do everything himself.
I am trying to tell myself, “You can lead a horse to water….” Just so I don’t stress myself out too much.
I think I’m beyond getting him to listen.
Immediate, means as soon as Dad signed the papers your POA was invoked. This is what mine was. As long as Mom was competent, I did not need to use it. But when Dementia set in, I could step in when I needed to and eventually needed to take control.
Springing, is when a doctor or doctors need to declare Dad incompetent to make informed decisions to invoke the POA. So read yours to see how it reads. Moms DPOA was immediate but her Medical one needed a doctor to invoke it.
DO NOT give his roommate the ability to write checks. If it was me, I would remove his checkbooks and tell him you are taking them home to do the bills there. If he asks where they are, just say "oh, forgot them". Good thing he likes cash because I would remove any credit cards he has.
The roommate. Once Dad is diagnosed, you may end up needing to have a sit down with her. If Dad has Dementia, he will eventually need 24/7 care in a LTC facility because you have to work. When that happens, she will not be able to remain in the home. So, she needs to start planning on what she is going to do when the time comes. She may want to apply for Senior housing now. And researching resourses in the County. It would also be nice since she is living rent free and you suspect Dad gives her money, that she contribute to the household by cooking, cleaning, laundry and making sure Dad gets his medications.
With Dads health problems, they maybe contributing to his Dementia. CHF, not enough oxygen going thru his system. Kidney failure, toxins in his blood.
The friend hasn’t shown one inkling that she cares what happens to this man .
Read that POA very carefully! I've been POA for 4 family members and now my husband. The POAs can be very different. My husband's POA went into effect as soon as he signed it and withheld NO powers. My own POA withholds certain powers and also requires 2 doctors to state that I am incompetent before it goes into effect.
Find out for sure what your powers are under your dad's POA. Then act upon them to keep him and his money safe. You might not even have to inform dad what you are doing on his behalf. You'd need to ask a lawyer about that. Act only under the lawyer's direction and advice, whatever you do. Keep good records.
The POA REQUIRES you to act in dad's best interest. It would be a shame if you didn't act on dad's behalf when you could have. And again, he has dementia. Don't let him be your advisor because he's no longer reliable and is probably not capable or competent. Don't confide in him. Don't confide in the girlfriend. Don't ask his friends for advice - they don't count.
I wish you luck in finding a good lawyer who understands your dad's trust.
And for God sakes, PLEASE don't let him drive anymore!!! Someone with dementia driving is like someone who is drunk or high on drugs driving. It is so unfair to all the unsuspecting innocent people on the roadways.
You would feel horrible if he were to kill or severely injure someone and you could have stopped him now wouldn't you?
Dementia is no joke, and it's now time for you as your dads POA to get his and your ducks in a row. And that doesn't mean that you let him move in with you or you move in with him. It means that you take the next step to find him the appropriate facility for where his current needs are met now and where they will be met in the future as you know dementia only gets worse never better.
Best wishes in getting all your/his ducks in a row.
Some of you have mentioned AL, but I fear that he will be spending all his money before that time comes. This is one thing I'm trying to protect.
His home (and checking account) is in an irrevocable living trust so he cannot claim them as assets, but he also cannot sell the house for money if needed. It adds another layer of difficulty to the situation.
Try to get him to the doctor and deemed incompetent .
He may listen & hear you but what slips away is;
. understanding
. reasoning
. problem solving
Forgetting his medication =
short term memory problems. These may be obvious: Forget the usual morning routine, what day is it? What time? Or more subtle :
Unable to *feel* the time of day but still able to cover this up.
So the little details show Dad is losing independance with some of his ADLs.
The bigger picture is where to from here?
To age at home sucessfully, Dad will need some extra help.
Medication management for starters. Probably meal delivery & a POA to handle finances & bills.
If the 'housemate' (? partner) won't be his caregiver, at least you know this now. Wipe that option out.
You work. You indend to keep working. You won't be moving in with Dad & co to be his live-in help.
So that option is out too.
Dad may benefit from a few *check-ups*;
1. Dementia screen test (with his usual Doctor) for a medical opinion
2. A Needs Assessment. See what he needs & what/if any of this is funded.
3. Legal checkup. Ensure he has nominated a POA.
Calling them *check-ups* may help get them done. Finding out the REAL DEAL here is the first step.
Thoughts so far?
His regular doctor did a dementia screen last year and put him on a medication at that time. She was going to follow up this year. I do have an appointment scheduled for him in September for a further "check up" with the Senior Care Assocates at our local hospital (geriatricians, nurse practitioners, and social workers) for consultation, evaluation and recommendations for care.
I have POA but I can only do so much as he is competent. I feel like my hands are tied with some things.
See that for what it is and realize that YOU don't have to take responsibility either. One possibility is that you end up taking care of both of them. You don't want that!
Beginning dementia is still dementia. He's not going to get better.
What to do? Maybe back off and observe instead of inching into more and more responsibility. Let him do "everything for himself." This might force an issue, which might be the best thing for him.
When he gets sicker, his girlfriend will go away. Then he goes to assisted living or memory care, hopefully. And don't even think about letting him live with you. That rarely works out.
If you are his PoA, then read the document. If it says a medical diagnosis is required to acitvate the authority, then you will need to figure out how to do this. Ask this question in another post, there are strategies to use...)
If he's in kidney failure and CHF, then it is only a matter of time before he has a profound medical incident that lands him in LTC. He may need dialysis to keep going. At this point you can talk to a social worker. You can pursue guardianship through the courts but it can be expensive and time-consuming. Or, you allow social workers to refer his case to a judge who will assign a legal guardian. Then they will call all the shots, and will most likely tell the housemate to get out. A formal eviction means she will have to go, no matter what. If she resists the police will escort her off the property. It's up to you if you give her a "heads up" on what's in the near future.
Also, you should study up on dementia since your Dad seems likely to have it. Dementia robs people of their logic, reason, memory, empathy, judgment, sense of time, etc. He literally can't get himself to care or take care of himself, if he has dementia. Teepa Snow has some great videos and info on YouTube about it and caregiving in general. I learned a lot. But an accurate diagnose will help a lot to understand what's going on.
I am his POA but need to get more detailed information about what I can do. I'm trying to guard his finances so he will have it for his care but he just wants to "cash everything in." How can I get it through to him that it's not because I want it when he passes...it's for his care?
Just frustrating.
The roommate says one thing (I'll help him now, I'll pay a bill, etc.), but I don't think she does it.
My problem is how much can I interfere with his daily financial decisions. He has always been a softie and wanted to help people but when it comes to her, I don't know how far I can push my way around.
He most likely should not be driving anymore .
This woman is taking advantage of him . She’s a freeloader and Dad is most likely giving her money .
It would be nice if she helped him and made some meals since she lives there rent free but ……
She sees taking care of your Dad to be his daughter’s responsibility , not hers .
Are you Dad’s POA ? If not I would try to get him to do that very soon .
This is a tough situation , if you can’t get POA , then you can go to a lawyer about getting guardianship of Dad and evicting this woman . In the meantime try to find a way to stop Dad from taking so much money out . Are you on his bank accounts ?
I sure hope you are able to make some progress. I hope others here have some more ideas . Dad may need assisted living , but you may be powerless .
I believe she is a freeloader, even though she claims "he's my buddy" and friend. She doesn't back those statements up. When she lived there before, she cooked. Now she doesn't want to cook anymore. I tried talking to them and getting meal assistance, but I can't make them do it.
"She sees taking care of your Dad to be his daughter’s responsibility , not hers." BINGO! Even though she claims "she will take care of him."
I am his POA.
You can lead the horse to water but can't make it drink.
I would stop even reminding him, in all truth.
I don't get the relationship of this "friend". If she isn't paying rent and isn't having shared living costs, then she is more than a friend. Likely she is his companion. She is 70. They likely have a relationship for so long as it lasts.
I would pull back, visit once a week or so, and leave him be. At his age, with heart and kidney, etc. he has several systems in failure. Let him have his way with the end of his life and live it as he chooses.
Tell him to let you know if he needs a hand.
Get on with your life as though you lived states away. I am 81 and my daughter DOES live states away, and I think personally that's best for all involved in most parent/child relationships. Don't move from being daughter to caretaker.
I agree.. with multi systems failure it may be time for The Very Big View: what does Dad want to do with his remaining days?