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Not at all. If you let her manipulate you into doing something you are not comfortable with, she will continue to walk all over you. Care needs only get heavier with aging parents. Before you know it, your life would revolve around her care needs. I agree with what my2cents just posted on this page. “think “back as to how mom dealt with older members of her own family if she did not allow them to live with her. If she didn't take her mom in or take a MILaw in, maybe talk about that. Perhaps you both have/had similar feelings about being a caretaker”.
If mom needs another living situation and can still get around, she is going to be happier if she is around other people her age and taking advantage of trips, talking, an elder community could provide.
You aren't a terrible daughter, however it might help you to make a list of reasons you do not want her there. Do you not get along? Are you out of the house working all the time? You travel/trip with friends or family. You have kids that take up a great deal of time. Make the list and use some of those items as talking points with her.
It is also helpful to thnk back as to how mom dealt with older members of her own family if she did not allow them to live with her. If she didn't take her mom in (or someone close to her) or take a MILaw in, maybe talk about that. Perhaps you both have/had similar feelings about being a caretaker.
Maybe if you cleared the air with her, you could get over the guilt.
No. This forum is full of stories where people have ruined their marriages, their finances and their relationship with the parent by trying to care for them at home.
No, you are not a terrible daughter. I'm going through this myself after my siblings and I had to put my mother in an assisted living two months ago. She has dementia and even though I thought about letting her live with me, I knew that her declining mental status would eventually take a toll on me and my family. Yes, sometimes I feel guilty about it especially when she asks to go home but in my heart I know that she's regularly eating well balanced meals, taking her medication properly, has 24/7 monitoring, has made a few new friends and is in an overall safer environment as a result of her being there. I think that feeling a little regret is normal because it's a life changing decision not only for the elder but also for the immediate family. My mother's home was our family gathering place for holidays, dinners and celebrations. Unfortunately, we don't have that anymore. But, we still manage to visit her often and that's what's really important. We also have the peace of mind knowing that she's receiving great care and I knew that I couldn't do that for her on a long term basis. I've also accepted the fact that my mother may not ever call this new place her "home" and I get that. I just want her to accept that this place is where she lives now and I'd be happy with that.
No!! Absolutely not!! You are not a terrible daughter if your mother doesn’t live with you. Your mother is 95. It says in your profile that she lives in an assisted living facility. That’s where she needs to be.
Nursing home, or Agecare Homes... are far better than they were years ago. Mom is in a fairly new place with Filipino caregivers. I have to say they are wonderful people and show mom a lot of patience and respect, even though she can be abusive while sundowning. Mom never wanted to live with us, and she raised us to be independent and self sufficient. Being in her little room is enough for her on good days, too small on bad days. Dealing with siblings can be a challenge, seems like the ones that do the less are the ones who have a lot to say about "moms care". Guilt is not something anyone should feel, my mom was not perfect, and she never felt guilty about anything. So why should I? No, in short, you are not a terrible daughter... self care.
You are not a terrible daughter for not wanting to live with your mother. Don't accept the guilt. You might tell her that the next time she lays the guilt trip on you that you are going home right then. Then when she does it go home. Turn and go home.
some I felt this way too. My dad lives with my brother and I go visit and stay with him for 2 days. I go there for the weekly nurse visit (he’s in hospice), sort his medicine, clean his room, etc. . When it’s time for me to go home he start going into depressed mode. The sad look and words make me feel guilty for leaving him. He starts getting forgetful sometimes but not too bad, mainly sundowning. I’m more attentive and understanding of his health. I tried it years ago and I caused a strain in my marriage and health as I over think and worry a lot. Part of me wants to take care what’s left of his life but part of me knows that if I do I might go insane. The stress and all is getting to me. He’s not in acceptance that he’s old and have heart problems. He’s alway pessimistic about everything. I tried to get him to see that every one goes through aging and such.
Not at all are you a terrible daughter. I set that boundary with my own mother. She would have ruined my life with her narcissistic ways.
Don't accept the guilt your mother lays on you. That is her way of trying to manipulate you to do her will. Learn about FOG - fear, obligation and guilt - tools of the narcs to manipulate others to serve them. You are doing nothing wrong by keeping healthy boundaries. In fact you are doing something right. What you are feeling is false guilt due to not meeting the (usually unrealistic) demands of others or yourself. If you feel you have to please your mother or keep her happy you are on a slippery slope. No one is responsible for anyone else's happiness.
Narcissistic parents bring their children up to feel their children "owe" them to the point of damaging/sacrificing their own lives. It is not healthy.
By all means stay firm. decide what you can and can't do for her and stick with your decisions, ((((((((hugs))))))
I could NEVER have lived with my elder. And I loved them very much; perfect parents. I could never have lived with my brother. And I loved him very much. Best man I have ever known. I have a difficult enough time living with my partner, and he is totally stellar; luckily we have many things we DON'T do in common, as well as many that we DO have in common. So I am just saying, I have many human limitations. I loved being a nurse, and treasured my patients. I took care of them in 8 hour shifts three or four days a week and had 8 weeks vacation by the end, 12 personal days/holidays, and was richly paid. One of my human limitations is that I could not care for an elder in my home. I feel no guilt about this. My parents knew who I was, and I them, and there was never any question they would have wanted me to take them in. Guilt is for felons who do hard with malice aforethought and take an evil delight in the harm they do. Grief is for those of us who recognize that we were born HUMAN, not Saints. That we were born to have our one life to live. I have already discussed with my children that I not only do not EVER want to live WITH THEM, but I don't want to live on their property. You know, that whole separate houses thing. We cannot tell you what you are. You already know inside yourself what kind of a human being you are. I hope you are happy with the human being you have become; that, and good health, are the secrets to life. Wishing you good luck in coming to terms with not being a Saint. Remember, it is my belief that the job description is a very bad one. You get filled full of arrows, buried, then prayed to for an eternity to fix everything for everyone else.
I love this: “Saint. Remember, it is my belief that the job description is a very bad one. You get filled full of arrows, buried, then prayed to for an eternity to fix everything for everyone else”. I have to wonder if its really heaven (and not that other place) that the Saints went to, if they are still expected to fix everything for everybody. 😂
If you know bringing mom into your home is a mistake, then why do it? It is perfectly OK not to like a parent, not want to spend your life with them on a daily basis. Loving your parent and yourself and meeting your obligations is a different matter.
I’m not bashing my mom but my experience of quitting my job and moving to another state into her home to help didn’t turn out well. She was abusive while we where growing up but I reasoned that away thinking she couldn’t hurt me. I was wrong, she acted or was delusional even though we had her tested for dementia, it was negative. She was diagnosed bipolar however, I should have known better. She called the police to have me removed several times. I ended up sleeping in my car, in the library of her building. My brother and his wife begrudgingly took me in for awhile but when my mom would apologize I would go back until my health was in jeopardy. I would admit that this has caused a divide in the family. They felt I should have hung in there. She has care givers now and she is happier alone. Looking back on it I’m glad that I tried my best and I no longer have guilt. I’ve forgiven and send her cards, but phone calls are kept to a minimum as I’m triggered and don’t want to be unkind to her. My advise to you is to help her from a distance unless she shows you respect and love. Do you work? Do you have a family to take care of? Good luck and always take care of you....
I think you should consider her request! Put yourself in her situation and ask yourself would your mother help you? I think the answer often is YES she would! You have no idea how bad some of these nursing homes are. When you put your loved ones in there it is often a death sentence. They don't last long. People should consider in home care. You can get assistance to help you with this.
I could not have my mother live with me. I would have no life if she did. She constantly talks and needs attention all day and is cheap on top of that and does not want to spend a dime even though she inherited $590,000.
It is best to help her from a distant otherwise your life will not be the same. Take the guilt away, and do what you can even if you have to hire help.
Why not caregive from a distance? There are alternatives to taking mom into your home. I would say there is no obligation to do that unless there are literally no alternatives to having her living under a freeway overpass.
And about this "she took care of you - for 18 years?? Well, maybe yes, and maybe no. When there has been abuse I think it is wisest to help, but at a distance. And keep in mind that mom had her life, now it is the daughter's turn. Simple fairness IMO.
If your mother was abusive (emotionally etc) during the rest of your life, do not do it. It will only pick up where it left off and be way worse - destroying you.
We are close to being in the same boat, my mother lives in her house 2 doors away from me, in the process of looking for somewhere to put her. On a waiting list for a senior assisted living apartment that is affordable. I do not have the professional experience or patience to deal with my mom 24/7. Sometimes you have to save your own sanity. You can still be attentive to her and some of her demands. Do not feel guilty, she is living in another world separate from yours. She does not not and will not understand yours. You are a good person, do the best you can and always make time for yourself, do not beat yourself up.
I get that same question from my 89 year old mom daily. When her broken brain, and I don't mean dementia or Alzheimer's, she would daily ask me to move in with my husband and I. I didn't understand what was happening, and I took great offense to it. I would do everything I could to make her stop; crying (which I do daily) hit the wall, scream, etc, to get her to stop saying that. See in my mind, it was telling me that she didn't love me that it was all about her. I even told her that. Alot of her saying that to me, brought up some unresolved, unspoken issues that she and I growing up. I am an only child who is 57 years old. My mom and dad, who is deceased, had a wonderful, close life together. I knew they loved me, but we didn't say it; never really hugged or said we loved each other; until my dad was dying. He told me then. For the next month or two, we hugged, kissed, and told each other we loved each other everytime we say one another. That was a blessing. My mother has always been good to me, provided anything I wanted. We hung out and enjoyed our company together, but she is tough. I had to be perfect. I couldn't please her. My whole entire life. When she started the problematic journey two years ago, when saying how lonely she was (I know she is because she has outlived so many) but sometimes I feel, because she is a person who will tell you what she thinks, because that is what she wants to do, has created some distance from others; I guess) Anyway, my 89 year old mom is miserable and I hear about daily. She has terrible regrets. I am handling better because it has been going on for 2 years. She is physically good shape. Her aged mind broke.
Something that helps, when my mom starts in on moving in, I get quiet. I don't say a word. Since she can't cry herself, it really bothers her when I do, so sometimes that helps. Because we all ultimately what our parents approval, I think that is where the bad feelings (perhaps not guilt) shows its face. Thats mine. If she dies before me, I will miss her terribly, because, due to her , undiagnosed depression and anxiety, I visit every other day for about an hour and a half, I cook for her, etc. It will be a huge void. One good thing out of all of this is she and I tell each other we love each other daily, on the phone and when we see each other. We hug and kiss. It is very hard life now, but I just pray and cry alot, and hope it changes. Best of luck.
I feel that some aging parents do isolate themselves and some have lost friends and don’t want to get involved with senior center activities. It takes vision, stamina and a lot of prayer and dedication to grow old. So the children try to make them feel better. All I can say is do your best looking after her in separate housing situations and pray about everything, giving all your troubles to God. My belief is to have faith in him is to let go of guilt while still loving your mom and being kind to her.
It's a difficult question. If you take her into your home, you will be 100% responsible for her care. It means a lot of sacrifice for you and if you can't make that sacrifice at least a little gladly, then it won't do her or you any good to take her in. You can tell her that you want to keep your relationship happy and not have it soured by the resentment of having to take care of her.
I've scanned through the responses and read the OP's profile, but I'm none the wiser. What exactly is mother doing to "lay guilt" on the OP?
The reason I ask is a strong memory of my brother having a total meltdown at me over the phone because I'd sent a round-robin email to my children, nieces and nephews telling them that Granny was going to be staying in their area for a few days and she'd love it if they dropped in to see her. This was, apparently, burdening them with guilt.
People with sore consciences, it seems to me, can perceive accusations where no such thing is intended. So, I'm just wondering. On a scale from 1. e.g. "it's a very nice facility but not like being at home, of course" to 10. e.g. "cruel and ungrateful child, how can you leave me here to die" - what exactly has mother been saying?
Take her in. You will not regret it. Folks today are so selfish it's sick. I am with my Mom, and altered my life, and I enjoy all of the ups and downs. Do it. Otherwise, not doing it will haunt you forever.
"Am I a terrible daughter because I don't want my mother to live with me?"
My short answer is no.
What does "Mother to live with me" mean to you? Does it mean something more like 'look after Mother'?
You can still 'look after' someone (ie give emotional support) without provide the hands-on care 24/7.
I loved my Grandpa very much but I never lived with him or wiped his behind. Why is it some Mother's seem to think we don't love them unless we become their slaves?
I would ask her how she wanted to spend the rest of her days - alone having estranged a previously loving daughter or trying to maintain a guilt-free, positive relationship with her daughter. If she continues guilting you, I’d set strict boundaries and limits on your visits and conversations with her. Take care of yourself or you’ll end up resenting her or worse.
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I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
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APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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You aren't a terrible daughter, however it might help you to make a list of reasons you do not want her there. Do you not get along? Are you out of the house working all the time? You travel/trip with friends or family. You have kids that take up a great deal of time. Make the list and use some of those items as talking points with her.
It is also helpful to thnk back as to how mom dealt with older members of her own family if she did not allow them to live with her. If she didn't take her mom in (or someone close to her) or take a MILaw in, maybe talk about that. Perhaps you both have/had similar feelings about being a caretaker.
Maybe if you cleared the air with her, you could get over the guilt.
If she is laying a guilt trip on you now, it will be pure H*ll if she moves in.
Know yourself and do what you can.
Don't accept the guilt your mother lays on you. That is her way of trying to manipulate you to do her will. Learn about FOG - fear, obligation and guilt - tools of the narcs to manipulate others to serve them. You are doing nothing wrong by keeping healthy boundaries. In fact you are doing something right. What you are feeling is false guilt due to not meeting the (usually unrealistic) demands of others or yourself. If you feel you have to please your mother or keep her happy you are on a slippery slope. No one is responsible for anyone else's happiness.
Narcissistic parents bring their children up to feel their children "owe" them to the point of damaging/sacrificing their own lives. It is not healthy.
By all means stay firm. decide what you can and can't do for her and stick with your decisions, ((((((((hugs))))))
So I am just saying, I have many human limitations. I loved being a nurse, and treasured my patients. I took care of them in 8 hour shifts three or four days a week and had 8 weeks vacation by the end, 12 personal days/holidays, and was richly paid. One of my human limitations is that I could not care for an elder in my home. I feel no guilt about this. My parents knew who I was, and I them, and there was never any question they would have wanted me to take them in.
Guilt is for felons who do hard with malice aforethought and take an evil delight in the harm they do.
Grief is for those of us who recognize that we were born HUMAN, not Saints. That we were born to have our one life to live.
I have already discussed with my children that I not only do not EVER want to live WITH THEM, but I don't want to live on their property. You know, that whole separate houses thing.
We cannot tell you what you are. You already know inside yourself what kind of a human being you are. I hope you are happy with the human being you have become; that, and good health, are the secrets to life.
Wishing you good luck in coming to terms with not being a Saint. Remember, it is my belief that the job description is a very bad one. You get filled full of arrows, buried, then prayed to for an eternity to fix everything for everyone else.
I have to wonder if its really heaven (and not that other place) that the Saints went to, if they are still expected to fix everything for everybody. 😂
You stated "You do not want your mother to live with you."
There is a difference in not wanting your mother to live with you and reasons she can't.
Yes, reconsider her request.
My advise to you is to help her from a distance unless she shows you respect and love. Do you work? Do you have a family to take care of? Good luck and always take care of you....
People on this forum are always saying, "facilities are businesses" and that they are about "making money." Well, then. There you have it.
It is best to help her from a distant otherwise your life will not be the same.
Take the guilt away, and do what you can even if you have to hire help.
Some people might say that you're being selfish as she took care of you fir at leadt 18 yrs when you were growing up.
It is deffiently hard to live with anyone, no matter who they are.
Im sure your mom is just scared of the alternative.
You should discuss with your mom your feelings and find another solution that your mom will be happy with.
Maybe she can live in a Senior Apartment?
And about this "she took care of you - for 18 years?? Well, maybe yes, and maybe no. When there has been abuse I think it is wisest to help, but at a distance. And keep in mind that mom had her life, now it is the daughter's turn. Simple fairness IMO.
Something that helps, when my mom starts in on moving in, I get quiet. I don't say a word. Since she can't cry herself, it really bothers her when I do, so sometimes that helps.
Because we all ultimately what our parents approval, I think that is where the bad feelings (perhaps not guilt) shows its face. Thats mine.
If she dies before me, I will miss her terribly, because, due to her , undiagnosed depression and anxiety, I visit every other day for about an hour and a half, I cook for her, etc. It will be a huge void.
One good thing out of all of this is she and I tell each other we love each other daily, on the phone and when we see each other. We hug and kiss.
It is very hard life now, but I just pray and cry alot, and hope it changes.
Best of luck.
The reason I ask is a strong memory of my brother having a total meltdown at me over the phone because I'd sent a round-robin email to my children, nieces and nephews telling them that Granny was going to be staying in their area for a few days and she'd love it if they dropped in to see her. This was, apparently, burdening them with guilt.
People with sore consciences, it seems to me, can perceive accusations where no such thing is intended. So, I'm just wondering. On a scale from 1. e.g. "it's a very nice facility but not like being at home, of course" to 10. e.g. "cruel and ungrateful child, how can you leave me here to die" - what exactly has mother been saying?
Also that the guilt is not caused by what is said/emailed at all - just how it is perceived at the receivers end.
You said 'love it if you dropped in'. Not 'get over there & see her before she's gone or you are a bad person'. They did that to themselves.
My short answer is no.
What does "Mother to live with me" mean to you? Does it mean something more like 'look after Mother'?
You can still 'look after' someone (ie give emotional support) without provide the hands-on care 24/7.
I loved my Grandpa very much but I never lived with him or wiped his behind. Why is it some Mother's seem to think we don't love them unless we become their slaves?
You said a mouthful in just a few words. You hit the nail on the head.
I wish I could have known you 20 years ago and heard what you wrote just now.
I could have spared mom and myself many headaches! Not to mention my husband and children too!