How can I ever forgive myself?

I have watched some hospice nurses talk about death and dying. Something I heard stuck with me.

She said "people die the way they live". My mom was an introvert. She loved her own company more than any other. We loved each other and I took care of her for many years. But, when she died, she was alone. I stepped out of her room for just a few minutes.

I also had heartbreak over that after her passing. But, I have realized that it was the way she wanted to go, in her own company, and not putting me through the pain of her last breath. Many believe that loved ones can choose their departure time and date. Especially with dementia, they lose so much control of their life...at least they can control how they depart this world.

Get counseling.....don't put off living your life to the fullest.

Don't cry. She wouldn't want you to.

I was holding my daddy's hand when he breathed his last. It was spiritual and sweet. Mom died alone at home, which is what she wanted. FIL died in the hospital with DH and YS talking about nothing in particular--and my BIL and I felt a 'whoosh' and we looked at each other and then at dad and BIL said "He's gone, did you feel that?" It was also sweet and peaceful. I wish that DH and YS had been more in tune with what was happening. It took them aback so much.

I'm so sorry that you were not present when your mom passed. Many people want to do that ALONE. We had to let grandma have peace so she would cross over. Mom beat herself up b/c she wasn't in attendance--but I don't think gma would go as long as someone was sitting there.

Please, please get some counseling. Death can be so very, very hard to deal with. No matter how it happens, we are never really prepared for it. And it's about the MOST private thing we'll go through.

You did nothing but love your mom. Take that into your heart and embrace it. Many people don't get that peace.

Mom would not want you to beat yourself up over her death, You know that---please honor her memory by being the best version of yourself.

((HUGS))

As someone who WAS there for the "last breath", it is very possible that you would be haunted even more by that memory. Most likely mentally she was gone before that point anyway and what she was looking at was something beyond you.
I went through a year and a half of withdrawal and anger and deep negativity at the world because of the remorse I felt after my dad died. Please take it from somebody who has been there... There's nothing more wasteful in life than spending it in remorse. It helps absolutely no one and it destroys your joy and the other good you can do in the world. I wasn't even aware how my negativity after my dad died was affecting people around me until my husband basically said he was tired of it in the most gentle way possible. Because it affected him too.
I got into some life coaching (I'd already had enough therapy after 28 years, thank you very much lol... But I recommend that too!!) to reevaluate how I saw things and work on my thinking processes to reframe things in a positive light, and to find ways to distract my self from dwelling on what I could not control.
I do think remorse is a way of trying to continue to control something we can't control which is the pain from death of someone we love.
If you can get some concentrated help in letting go of this situation please do... You don't need years of therapy as much as someone who is practiced in dealing with grief who can help you resolve your feelings of guilt. However that looks...coaching, therapy, emdr, whatever... It helps to have someone else identify with you and help you get out of the hole of remorse. We can't do it alone.
I can tell you did an amazing job being there for your mother. That is what matters...not the last breath where she was likely in another world altogether anyway. As many pointed out she would not have wanted you to suffer this way. We cannot control death no matter how hard we try. It's wonderful that you loved your mom so much but you can do so much good in the world giving that loving kindness that you clearly have inside of you out to others who are alive and could use that love to heal them. Please take it from another remorse -sufferer ... It is poison if you let it go on too long.
Bu the way right now my mother is slowly declining... I thought yesterday she was going to die in today of course she bounces back. It could be months. But ne of the things I promised myself... And my husband... Is I would not let regret and remorse destroy my joy in the world this time. I let my father's death kill me almost and I'm not going to let this happen with my mom. I'm aware now of just how poisonous remorse can be and I'm going to live in the now as best I can. I hate to see her suffering but I can't control a large part of that. Just today she was coming out of a morphine high and very abusive and then back to being sweet with a dose of Xanax. I finally realized a lot of this is out of my control and went out for coffee. She may die when I'm gone ... I won't feel bad if she does...what matters is all the years I was there for her. I can tell you we're truly an amazing loving daughter. What a great life you gave her. She would want you to be happy and likely the person she was trying to speak to when you left with somebody in the great beyond ...whatever your belief system is she was seeing someone she loved beyond you, that's how the mind works as a protective mechanism at death. Love yourself as much as she loved you... Hugs to you.

My father died after I left the room and went to the ladies room, it is very common.

We come into the world alone and we die alone, your being there would have not changed the outcome.

Since you feel that you cannot live without her, there is a deep rooted issue somewhere in your physic, therapy might be the key to help you move on with your life.

I cannot image that this is what she would have wanted for you, please take some positive steps to recover from this depression you are in.

Life is a song worth singing....sing it!

However your mom died was how God intended it to be. You were not meant to be in the room when she passed, and the fact that you're still struggling with this 4 years later, tells me that you still need grief therapy, desperately.
Your mom would NOT want you being stuck in your grief and staying so very sad over her death. She instead would want you to move on and enjoy the life you have left. I'm sure she would be devastated if she knew that you were still so depressed. Please get some help.

Here are a few lines about grief that one of the ladies(I believe it was Grandma1954, she can correct me if I'm wrong)on here shared a while back and I had to write it down because I thought it to be very powerful.

"Grief never ends but it changes. It is a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness nor a lack of faith. It is the price of love."

I'm praying that you can get through the passage of grief soon.

Honor your Mom by living your best life. You know she's not happy seeing you this way! My Mom was sick all of my adult life and I cared for her always - through all of her close calls - and there were a lot at 83yrs old (I started calling her the energizer bunny). In the end she was home with us and hospice and so one night I was exhausted and decided I should go home to get a good shower & some good sleep - My husband asked me if I was sure I didn't want to stay with her - but something told me I needed to go rest. So I held her hand and told her that if she was ready and needed to go home that we would all be okay and not to worry about anything & to cut that sliver cord if she needed to - she squeezed my hand and said okay - I told her I love you and left to go get some rest. Well 4am I get a call from my Son to come back to the house quick. By the time I got there she was gone! I have to say that Deep in my soul I believe she needed me to not be there so she could go home. Your Mom may have been the same. So do yourself a favor and forgive yourself - so your Mom can rest finally - she's exhausted watching over you so sad. As I said, Honor Your Mom by Living Your Best Happiest Life! She would want that. My Best Wishes to You.

My condolences. I've heard time and time again that people wait until their closest loved one leaves the room. I've seen it happen in my own family. You may have made it okay for her to finally let go and be out of her discomfort. Please try to see it that way.

And I bet that what she was trying to say to you was that she loved you.

I’m very sorry that you are still aching over what happened at your mother’s time of death.

I didn’t want to see my mom take her last breath either. This doesn’t mean that I didn’t love my mom. I am content knowing that my mother knew that I loved her.

You state that you and your mother were close. That is a wonderful memory to hold in your heart. Don’t ever doubt that your mother knew how much you loved her.

Your mom would not want you to be sad for this long. She would want you to cherish the memories that you had with her and be at peace.

Wishing you peace.

As a nurse I assure you that many elders wait for a loved one to leave the room before they themselves give in to the final rest

Your are a grownup now. You are on your own. My heart goes out to you but you have lost your mother as I have lost MY mother, as many of here have lost them, as all will inevitably lose them if things go in the natural circle of life.
If you had a kind Mom, as I did, you will always remember her, but whether you mourn endlessly or you celebrate a good life well lived? Well that is pretty much up to you and how you handle life and life traumas in general.

If after four years you are still stuck in mourning, unable to meet memories with joy and understand that your mom will always in some sense be with you while you live, then you need professional grief counseling.

Some of us hang onto trivial things in order to avoid stepping into grief. The only way out of grief is through it and as long as we can instead concentrate on what-its and bad MDs and hospitals and a whole host of other things, we can avoid facing that we have lost our mom.

Do your mom the HONOR of taking care of your own life and not squandering it on staying stuck in grief. That would break her heart. If I thought that any daughter of mine would do such a thing it would SHATTER me.

I wish you the best. Get help for yourself so you can move on to a quality life.

My mom was at my dad’s death bed round the clock, to the point she was sick and exhausted. A friend of hers and I begged her to step away to eat an actual meal and get some sleep. He died soon after she left. She was distraught that he died “alone”. But he wasn’t alone. She was by his side throughout his entire illness and he knew he was loved. I believe he waited for her to leave to die.
You did nothing wrong. There is nothing to forgive. You are blessed that you had a loving relationship with your mom, and she is blessed that you cared for her and were with her until the end. Many people cannot bear the agony of that last breath. Please stop second guessing yourself. I’m sure your mom knows how very much you loved her. I’m sure she would want you moving on to happy, peaceful life.

Forgive yourself for WHAT? The fact that cancer took your mom's life? If you were in the room with her when she took her final breath, she still would have passed. You being there would not have changed the outcome, but would have left you with a horrible last memory of your beloved mom. Many people will NOT pass while a loved one is in the room, but purposely wait till they leave to depart this life for the next.

I intentionally left both of my parents rooms before they passed bc I did not want to see them take their last breath. I feel no guilt about it, bc I played no role in their passing, only age and disease did. Blaming myself would only ruin MY life and that's not what my parents would want for me. I sincerely hope my children can celebrate my life once I die, rather than give up THEIR lives for misguided guilt and sadness.

If you are still blaming yourself for moms death 4 years later, and feeling as you do about life, please see a grief therapist right away.

My condolences on the loss of your dear mom.