I spent two years living with my parents to nurse my father back to health. My sister made excuses to get out of it by saying she was ill and then her husband was ill. This was a lie. When my mother got ill after my father died we agreed to alternate days. I was ADAMANT that I would help out but would not move back full time. Seven months later, my sister faked a back injury. When that ran thin, she moved onto stomach issues and refuses to come back. How do you force someone to accept responsibility without starting a war?
I am sure the daily responsibility is draining on you. What sort of care does mom need? Is it really daily? Think about hiring a companion, on mom's dime, for the times when you cannot do this. You need a break. Perhaps mom would do well in assisted living, then you can visit when you want as a daughter, not a caregiver.
I see you asked a similar question back in October. Review the answers you got there. Responses are going to be the same here.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-can-i-cope-with-two-sisters-who-are-ditching-their-responsibilities-and-have-left-me-holding-eve-452812.htm?orderby=oldest
Can Mom afford a full time caregiver, live in, or assisted living at some level? Does she have a home you can sell or any assets to help pay for assisted living or whatever level of care she needs? Those are the calls and decisions you need to be making right away. If it's a care facility, line up some to visit, and make the best choice.
Since you've been left in charge, you find the best care and choice for mother. Present what you find to mother, and tell sister what your decision is. Your sister has removed herself from decision making by not being reliable despite her promise. Let mother know you can't do this any longer, so these changes have to be made so she can get the best care and be safe.
Good luck.
Best wishes to you.
What has changed since your other thread in early October?
Why do you allow this to be all on you? What does your mother say? Does she recognize the unfair toll this is taking on you?
Do you have POA/HCPOA? What are her needs? What are her finances? Could living in a facility be a possibility?
My suggestion is to do for you and your loved one because that’s all that matters now and all that will matter later. Time and life straining, absolutely. But it will all work out as it is supposed to and this difficult time too shall pass. I promise you though that after it’s over it will be you feeling strong that you were there every step of the way. Bless you for being there for tour loved one. My thoughts are with you.
I'm past being furious. I'm heartbroken for Dad but I carry the responsibility myself with the help of my husband (thank goodness...I dislocated my hip replacement in Aug -6 weeks limited movement, then fell and broke both wrists in Oct). One of us drives up every month for 1 week blocks of time, I speak to Dad daily at 1:00pm to break up his day and the nursing home has been kind enough to set us up on Facetime weekly so the contact is consistent. Even tho he has his moments missing Mom, he's doing very well for 93. And no we're not retired or wealthy as a matter of fact I just refinanced our home so that we're liquid enough to continue at this pace. Was it a sacrifice? Yup but Mom and Dad would do it for me and I am fortunate enough to have a husband that supports this.
I realize that one bro 'doesn't like' going to the nursing home. He didn't approve of them going into a home in the city that they had spent their retirement, doesn't like the drive etc etc. The other bro essentially stole their car and used it as a trade-in so he's likely too embarrassed to maintain as much contact. And ya know, for Dad's sake I wish they would keep in touch but truth be told they're not very nice guys and it's likely easier on our household to just go it alone that way we don't have to worry about them forgetting to take Dad to dr. appointments etc.
I'm sorry you're having a challenge with your sister Amy. These situations can tear families apart and sure enough the last time I had contact with any family member other than my dad was April 23 when my SIL emailed to say that contact with me was difficult because 'all you do is complain'. I don't complain anymore and they have no clue what's going on with Dad coz I'm POA. We have no extended family so when he passes there will be no funeral per se. Just a quiet moment at the graveside and I'll send letters to both bros to let them know when they can collect their inheritance. I have no plans to see any of them ever again.
While I agree that trying to force others can contribute to tearing families apart, in too many cases there is nothing to "tear apart." I had to come to the conclusion that nothing I say or do will change my brothers. It wasn't helping to get angry and wasn't impacting them in the least, only me. I wrote a draft email addressed to each one and put all the crap in there, but never sent it. Catharsis only. Sending it would have not changed anything, other than to get backlash, so it was not worth it! Made my existence better!
I don't know about you but I don't want ANYONE caretaking for my parents who doesn't really want to be there .
It would not be a fair situation for Mom , for sure .
If you have room in the home , consider looking for someone in your area to come in and care for your Mom so you can take breaks . Exchanging a room for the care ( no money exchanged ) can work if you are careful getting the right person . If you can offer money as well as a room , that's good too . Then you can get alot more off time for yourself because just a room is worth about $400-$800 amonth ,depending on your area .'
If you cannot do any of the above , it is time to find a place for Mom and please don't waste time doing this because it takes time . Contacting your local social worker for elderly can help you find out if you can get someone in to clean and/or do care work that the state can pay for . But start today in checking out possibles, make a list . If there is any will that says what happens to Mom's assets if any , get to a lawyer . It is ok that you want out , it is ok that you check into possibles . Yes sister will complain later, let her and don't argue . It would be fruitless . I really hope you can find a great place for Mom , don't involve sister unless you have a legal document stating you must . It's time for you to take control . Praying for the best starting today !
Then does mom become an employer with liability for this person living in her home? Just a start on questions to ask an attorney.
Take care of yourself.
One brother (not local thankfully) will never be welcome in my life again, but he won't likely ever visit mom again, so even-steven there! (he was the one treated like a god came to visit!)
For the other, it is like pulling teeth to get a response - actually pulling teeth is easier, quicker and less painful!!!
I had to finally realize being angry with them only impacted me, not them. So, I manage everything for mom, no longer ask or consult with them about anything. They don't ask either, so I guess we know where they stand!
Don't waste more energy on trying to get your sister to help. She isn't going to. If she would chip in some money in lieu of helping in person, that would be nice, but that probably won't happen, either. You could ask, though.
So, it comes down to what you can or will do. What would you do about mom if sister had passed away? Your future plans are going to have to involve care using the same way of thinking that an only child would have to use.
If your sibling has the finances, suggest she pay for a home health care aide. Maybe she can watch your mom while you do shopping or run errands. If she isn't amenable to helping in any way - accept this. Get help from others: family, friends, church, and paid help. If need be, use her share of any inheritance or Medicare to pay for help.
You can't force anyone to do anything they are not willing to do. In the end, it will only anger and frustrate you, so at this point, know the score. You can only change how you deal with it. If it is too much, get help. If she has enough funds/assets, hire help. You might have to try multiple people/agencies, but should be able to find someone to fill in and give you a break. If there are not enough assets/funds, explore other options (VA benefits, Medicaid both do have options for providing some in-home care, if she qualifies.)
Use the energy you are wasting on your sister to explore other options. She has made it clear that she has a boundless list of ailments to fall back on!
FYI: When making a decision with my 2 bros as to how to deal with mother - she refused to let aides in and was living alone - and they found out how expensive MC was, they BOTH said for that amount they would take her in! Sure they would. They were of limited help both getting mom and then her condo dealt with (most of managing her care and finances and getting the condo cleared out, cleaned up and repaired as well as being the contact with RE all fell on me.) When I expressed concern about doing so much, older brother (OB) just bellowed "give it up!" No offer to help, no suggestions for how to continue or who would take over!!! The other would just not respond. The last visit OB had with mom (he isn't local), he refused to go back because he "didn't know what to do with her"! And you were going to take her in??? HAHAHAHAHAHA! The other often doesn't respond until you pester him multiple times or it dawns on him he didn't respond... So again, this is very common, and those of us left holding the bag have to find our own way, without their help. It will anger you and drain you more if you keep trying. It isn't worth it.
Wouldn’t it be great if all families could get along? Personally, I had to let go of the fairy tale I held in my heart and realize that I needed to let my head lead without my heart.
Sometimes we need to think in a logical manner rather than sentimental. It seemed to take me forever to learn this lesson. Thank God the good people on this forum kept drilling it into my thick skull.
It really is far less complicated dealing with outside help rather than family.
Here's something from my Passive-Aggressive Playbook: you can start emailing daily "Mom Updates" to your sister outlining everything you did for her and with her that day. Send one every day listing literally everything. You don't need to address your sister at all, or ask for anything, but just like a journal entry. Subject line should read "Mom's Daily Update". This is both practical and cathartic. She may ignore them, but so what? You will have record of your efforts and no one can ever come back to say, "I didn't know..." Blessings to you for your generous caregiving!
In my case, it was documentation for when I eventually was reimbursed ($20/hour).
1) Have a come to Jesus conversation with her and let her know that it is not negotiable for her to help out and that he excuses are now falling on deaf ears. She needs to step up to the plate and help take care of her parent just as much as you do.
If that does not work then, 2) Just accept that she does not want to help and go from there. You cannot make people be decent and responsible if they are not willing to. It sounds like for whatever reason, she just does not want to help and will always have an excuse as to why she cannot.
Hire outside help to replace your sister, and you when you get burned out. Resentment is a sign it's not working for you. best wishes
I especially love the idea of sending your sister daily email "updates" about what you did for mom that day.
Print them off, hole punch the pages, and put them into a 3-ring "D" binder. Get some dividers so you can organize the papers by month. Get another binder once that one become full.
You may need this as legal ammunition should things come to blows with your sister.
I will share one extreme example. I am a college teacher. One of my students told me after class that the reason she was not doing well in the course was because she had responsibility for caring for her elderly aunt. When I asked for more details, she informed me that her aunt had TWENTY-TWO siblings (yes, 22), and not one of them would lift a finger to help her - not even to drive her to a medical appointment. This niece was the only one who would help the woman at all.
It's a sad comment on human nature, that's for sure.