How can I get my sister to stick to our agreement to jointly care for Mom?

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How can I get my sister to stick to our agreement to jointly care for Mom?

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I spent two years living with my parents to nurse my father back to health. My sister made excuses to get out of it by saying she was ill and then her husband was ill. This was a lie. When my mother got ill after my father died we agreed to alternate days. I was ADAMANT that I would help out but would not move back full time. Seven months later, my sister faked a back injury. When that ran thin, she moved onto stomach issues and refuses to come back. How do you force someone to accept responsibility without starting a war?

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I don't know that you can force someone. And, even if forcing them worked to some degree, you'll never get full cooperation from someone like this. And she might even sabotage you so that you won't want her help anymore and then she's in the clear with her conscience. Truly, in the end, I've found that whether someone cannot help or simply will not help.. the end result is the same and you are alone doing all the work. You can try telling her what will happen with your mom's care and living situation if she does not start helping, but don't present anything to her which you're not prepared to carry out. I am so sorry you're in this spot.

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I agree with most everything that has already been said. It's pretty clear that your sister cannot "deal with it," so her way of getting out of responsibility is to feign illness. This behavior is played out time and time again with siblings and elderly parents.

I especially love the idea of sending your sister daily email "updates" about what you did for mom that day.

Print them off, hole punch the pages, and put them into a 3-ring "D" binder. Get some dividers so you can organize the papers by month. Get another binder once that one become full.

You may need this as legal ammunition should things come to blows with your sister.

I will share one extreme example. I am a college teacher. One of my students told me after class that the reason she was not doing well in the course was because she had responsibility for caring for her elderly aunt. When I asked for more details, she informed me that her aunt had TWENTY-TWO siblings (yes, 22), and not one of them would lift a finger to help her - not even to drive her to a medical appointment. This niece was the only one who would help the woman at all.

It's a sad comment on human nature, that's for sure.

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You can't, even if you start a war.
Hire outside help to replace your sister, and you when you get burned out. Resentment is a sign it's not working for you. best wishes

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Two options:
1) Have a come to Jesus conversation with her and let her know that it is not negotiable for her to help out and that he excuses are now falling on deaf ears. She needs to step up to the plate and help take care of her parent just as much as you do.
If that does not work then, 2) Just accept that she does not want to help and go from there. You cannot make people be decent and responsible if they are not willing to. It sounds like for whatever reason, she just does not want to help and will always have an excuse as to why she cannot.

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She will not live up to her end of the agreement unless forced to. She only agreed because she KNEW that once YOU were involved that you would not leave mom unless someone was there to care for her as you did for your father. Does mom have funds to pay for in home care? Maybe a strongly worded group email that since sis cannot seem to live upto her end of the bargain there are only a few choices left, hire a companion to stay with mom on days sis is supposed to be there of which will be subtracted from any inheritance that sis would recieved since those fees would have never been incurred if she would've done what was required or that mom will need to be placed in assisted living since sis cannot and will not assist with caregiving responsibilities. May shake her up enough to get off of her dead rear and do what's right. Sorry you're going through this again. She will be the one when mom is gone putting on the theatrical show weeping and wailing how much she misses her.

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I used that play, Geaton777. I was local, and my brothers were all out of state. Every time I did something for/with my mother, I emailed them. I also included the amount of time it took.

In my case, it was documentation for when I eventually was reimbursed ($20/hour).

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Ditto to all who have wisely observed that your sister is not obligated, she may not be cut out for caregiving and yes, she's a wiener for making up fake excuses. Please contact a reputable agency to provide relief for yourself and also something different socially for your mom. I am hoping your mom is willing and able to compensate you for your efforts. If she is make sure you do this in the way the law in your state requires (transactions need to have a clear paper trail, etc). Hopefully you are her durable PoA.

Here's something from my Passive-Aggressive Playbook: you can start emailing daily "Mom Updates" to your sister outlining everything you did for her and with her that day. Send one every day listing literally everything. You don't need to address your sister at all, or ask for anything, but just like a journal entry. Subject line should read "Mom's Daily Update". This is both practical and cathartic. She may ignore them, but so what? You will have record of your efforts and no one can ever come back to say, "I didn't know..." Blessings to you for your generous caregiving!

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All I can say is sister had best be careful what she wishes for. Crying wolf one too many times. She'll be sorry or should be.

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She won't agree or keep the schedule . your better off getting help from outside the family. Family are either to afraid or lazy, selfish, to busy.

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Valid points in certain situations. Some siblings are able to communicate fairly well and have had good relationships but for others it’s hard for them to relate to each other. No two families have identical situations.

Wouldn’t it be great if all families could get along? Personally, I had to let go of the fairy tale I held in my heart and realize that I needed to let my head lead without my heart.

Sometimes we need to think in a logical manner rather than sentimental. It seemed to take me forever to learn this lesson. Thank God the good people on this forum kept drilling it into my thick skull.

It really is far less complicated dealing with outside help rather than family.

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As everyone here as said, "you can't make someone step up when they should". As hard as it is, you just have to accept the reality that your sister is a bit of a loser and she isn't going to change. Some very good ideas and suggestions have been offered here but I want to stress that you will best if you have some legal status to act on. I spent years as an admissions director of a SNF (skilled nursing facility) and a CALA (certified assisted living administrator) listening to families beat each other up for actions taken by the "responsible" child who was often the only one who visited. It was amazing that the child (ren) who were least active had the biggest mouths about "should have, could have, would have" and how they would have done it better. So if you have DPoA (durable power of attorney) this would be a good thing - it will allow you to act in your Mom's behalf if she becomes incapacitated. If it hasn't been done already, sit with Mom (preferably with an attorney or a third party present to prevent you from being accused of "weighting" the conversation) and discuss what are her end of life wishes - in what instances would she want / not want resuscitation efforts, feeding tubes, etc.. This information all goes into her living will and since you are the person providing care and guidance, hopefully she will designate you as her health care proxy. If your sister isn't going to physically assist you, you can see if she will sign a legal written agreement (she probably won't) as to how much financial assistance she will give (assuming that it is needed) in terms of hiring outside help. Personally, I wouldn't worry too much about causing a war or tearing the family apart. I define "family" as those people who love you and care about you and are there at a time of need to do what needs to be done. Since she isn't performing up to that definition..... I guess she is not family. Who cares if she gets ticked off. Good luck and keep us updated.

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I have similar issues with my two siblings. My sister has improved. She will take Mom to doc appointments and will take her out for lunch on those days, but no more. She also set up a lovely Christmas tree in Mom's room. My brother does nothing. I still visit weekly and take her out for a meal and shopping. It's getting harder as the dementia progresses. I will do a meal out but not shopping if I'm alone. I'm just recovering from a knee replacement and still have some trouble standing or walking for long periods of time and Mom is relentless in stores - has to look at EVERYTHING and flatly refuses to leave until I tell her I just can't take anymore. We've been lucky in that she hasn't had any trips to the ER in several months - a new record for her. No one wants to go up and sit there for hours or go pick her up and take her back to MC in the middle of the night. My sister has feigned all kinds of ailments rather than do that and my brother usually has transportation issues (truck is either in the shop or is too tall for the parking garage). I too finally came to the realization that I'm always going to be the one who has to do the most. It was less stressful once I accepted it. At least I can look at myself in the mirror and not feel ashamed that I let my mother down. It's a small comfort when you're tired and stressed but better than nothing.

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This is a sad and very common song, definitely plays often on this forum!

You can't force anyone to do anything they are not willing to do. In the end, it will only anger and frustrate you, so at this point, know the score. You can only change how you deal with it. If it is too much, get help. If she has enough funds/assets, hire help. You might have to try multiple people/agencies, but should be able to find someone to fill in and give you a break. If there are not enough assets/funds, explore other options (VA benefits, Medicaid both do have options for providing some in-home care, if she qualifies.)

Use the energy you are wasting on your sister to explore other options. She has made it clear that she has a boundless list of ailments to fall back on!

FYI: When making a decision with my 2 bros as to how to deal with mother - she refused to let aides in and was living alone - and they found out how expensive MC was, they BOTH said for that amount they would take her in! Sure they would. They were of limited help both getting mom and then her condo dealt with (most of managing her care and finances and getting the condo cleared out, cleaned up and repaired as well as being the contact with RE all fell on me.) When I expressed concern about doing so much, older brother (OB) just bellowed "give it up!" No offer to help, no suggestions for how to continue or who would take over!!! The other would just not respond. The last visit OB had with mom (he isn't local), he refused to go back because he "didn't know what to do with her"! And you were going to take her in??? HAHAHAHAHAHA! The other often doesn't respond until you pester him multiple times or it dawns on him he didn't respond... So again, this is very common, and those of us left holding the bag have to find our own way, without their help. It will anger you and drain you more if you keep trying. It isn't worth it.

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You can't. She obviously has issues with caregiving your parents. You may never get her to a place to sharing this responsibility. Suggest she try counselling - and helping in several tasks that are not with your mom but help - cleaning the home, laundry, shopping for groceries...

If your sibling has the finances, suggest she pay for a home health care aide. Maybe she can watch your mom while you do shopping or run errands. If she isn't amenable to helping in any way - accept this. Get help from others: family, friends, church, and paid help. If need be, use her share of any inheritance or Medicare to pay for help.

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You can't force them to accept responsibility. However, that does not mean you can't address it by sitting down with her and discuss it. If you do, use "I" statements such as "I am having difficulty managing this alone." If by the grace of God she agrees to help, I would put everything in writing with both of you signing off. If you didn't have a sibling, what would you do? Have you thought about contacting your local area agency on Aging for some advice? What is your mom's financial status? Can she afford assisted living or private help?

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You won't force anyone to do what they don't want to do. Based on what you've said here, you have not had her help for more than 7 months due to her back and stomach issues. It would seem she has made her decision clearly.

So, it comes down to what you can or will do. What would you do about mom if sister had passed away? Your future plans are going to have to involve care using the same way of thinking that an only child would have to use.

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You will save yourself much grief, lost sleep, stress the sooner you reach the point of accepting the inevitable reality. Some people can't help, others won't, but the end result is the frustrating and sad same: you're in it alone. You have to decide if you want to have any relationship with your sister or not. Me, I do. I vent to my sister and let her know what is going on, on a daily basis (I mean daily life, not that I write her EVERY day) and she can't EVEN send a note back with the slightest acknowledgement to let me know I have at least been heard. She does nothing. Even when she was here in town (and folks were not needy at that point) she would never do anything involving physical labor. It stinks. But you are not alone, and you are the better person. It is true though, that you have to set some limits and try and get what help you can that will be of help to YOU. For instance I am contemplating having strangers come in to clean once in a while to get the house up to speed. I hate spending the money, but I can't do it all, and at least might get a leg up on it to maintain it after I got nailed by a bug 2x in one month which has never happened before. While I was sick I tried the grocery delivery service. It was a nominal fee and it was great...the energy and time it saved me was enlightening. Wishing you all the best...

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Your health and sanity are worth spending a little money on. If you try a cleaning service or even personal care assisance, you may feel like you have just bought yourself a wonderful gift. If you are concerned about "strangers" in the house, work with a reputable cleaning or home care company that does background checks and backs up its employees.
Don't waste more energy on trying to get your sister to help. She isn't going to. If she would chip in some money in lieu of helping in person, that would be nice, but that probably won't happen, either. You could ask, though.

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Getting family members to help with care can be very difficult. There are 6 siblings and only 2 of us are caring for our 96 year old father ( step-mom just passed in December) who we also cared for. While we understand that some of them still have jobs and live a distance away, there are others who are retired and have the time and funds to travel and share in Dads care. After 2 years of doing it all ourselves, we finally told them they need to pitch in. We do what we need to do because that’s who we are. I can only hope that they will step up and help out. We aren’t asking for much. Just some time to step back, breathe and let go of the daily stresses we face. It’s not an easy job but sometimes you just need a break. Some of the excuses are not acceptable and they should be ashamed to even use them. You can not make people do what you think is the right thing.

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yeah, we all need a break, vacation. Our family is all out of state and I wouldn't impose on them even in the same town if they were here. My only sister is even further away. She always manages to not have time but would use her vacation time to take care of herself. Now she has two elder cats with health issues and I totally get that. Even when she did come visit it was for no more than a few days and she would time it so her flight would arrive in the evening and she'd depart midday and of the remaining maybe 2 days she'd sleep till noon...So, since my dad is fairly independent, I just have been the past 2-3 years going 45 minutes away to a hotel for a few days. Still close enough for an emergency, but no one waking me in the AM, no cooking, cleaning, laundry etc.

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You can’t. I would look into having a caretaker come in on the days you can’t or consider assisted living if you really don’t want to be the full time caregiver.

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One thing you cannot do is force someone to step up to the plate and assist with care. My brother and I had a huge blow up over it and didn't speak for 3 years. We talk now, but it is not the same. I do not excuse or forgive his actions...I just choose to look the other way. With that being said, I have to make decisions for mom that I can manage and live with. I sold her car and home and moved her into assisted living. I wash her clothes, buy all of her toiletries, pay her bills, schedule her dr. appointments and file her taxes...bring her to my house for visits and every holiday. My brother shows up like he's a rock star...swoops in and then leaves. It is what it is....make it work for you. Don't hold onto the anger...it will only hurt you. Be open with your mom about what you can do and not do.

Take care of yourself.

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Pretty much the same.

One brother (not local thankfully) will never be welcome in my life again, but he won't likely ever visit mom again, so even-steven there! (he was the one treated like a god came to visit!)

For the other, it is like pulling teeth to get a response - actually pulling teeth is easier, quicker and less painful!!!

I had to finally realize being angry with them only impacted me, not them. So, I manage everything for mom, no longer ask or consult with them about anything. They don't ask either, so I guess we know where they stand!

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You have been a Godsend to your parents , I thank Him for you ! As for your sister , she is clearly showing /telling you it's not going to happen for her .
I don't know about you but I don't want ANYONE caretaking for my parents who doesn't really want to be there .
It would not be a fair situation for Mom , for sure .
If you have room in the home , consider looking for someone in your area to come in and care for your Mom so you can take breaks . Exchanging a room for the care ( no money exchanged ) can work if you are careful getting the right person . If you can offer money as well as a room , that's good too . Then you can get alot more off time for yourself because just a room is worth about $400-$800 amonth ,depending on your area .'
If you cannot do any of the above , it is time to find a place for Mom and please don't waste time doing this because it takes time . Contacting your local social worker for elderly can help you find out if you can get someone in to clean and/or do care work that the state can pay for . But start today in checking out possibles, make a list . If there is any will that says what happens to Mom's assets if any , get to a lawyer . It is ok that you want out , it is ok that you check into possibles . Yes sister will complain later, let her and don't argue . It would be fruitless . I really hope you can find a great place for Mom , don't involve sister unless you have a legal document stating you must . It's time for you to take control . Praying for the best starting today !

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Be very careful with the idea of free room in exchange for care. Check with an elder law attorney about what will be legal in your state. You would, at a minimum, need to determine how many hours would be covered with free room. If minimum wage were $10.00/hour, 40 hours maximum a month.

Then does mom become an employer with liability for this person living in her home? Just a start on questions to ask an attorney.

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If you figure out a way please be sure to share with the rest of us. My mom passed last March leaving Dad alone in a Canadian city that is 3 hours from my bros and sil, 3 adult grandchildren. My husband and I are in the US (9 hours by car). They were wonderful parents, did the best they could, adopted the twin boys and me and since the funeral last March, Dad has seen my bros twice (the last time was on Labor Day weekend).

I'm past being furious. I'm heartbroken for Dad but I carry the responsibility myself with the help of my husband (thank goodness...I dislocated my hip replacement in Aug -6 weeks limited movement, then fell and broke both wrists in Oct). One of us drives up every month for 1 week blocks of time, I speak to Dad daily at 1:00pm to break up his day and the nursing home has been kind enough to set us up on Facetime weekly so the contact is consistent. Even tho he has his moments missing Mom, he's doing very well for 93. And no we're not retired or wealthy as a matter of fact I just refinanced our home so that we're liquid enough to continue at this pace. Was it a sacrifice? Yup but Mom and Dad would do it for me and I am fortunate enough to have a husband that supports this.

I realize that one bro 'doesn't like' going to the nursing home. He didn't approve of them going into a home in the city that they had spent their retirement, doesn't like the drive etc etc. The other bro essentially stole their car and used it as a trade-in so he's likely too embarrassed to maintain as much contact. And ya know, for Dad's sake I wish they would keep in touch but truth be told they're not very nice guys and it's likely easier on our household to just go it alone that way we don't have to worry about them forgetting to take Dad to dr. appointments etc.

I'm sorry you're having a challenge with your sister Amy. These situations can tear families apart and sure enough the last time I had contact with any family member other than my dad was April 23 when my SIL emailed to say that contact with me was difficult because 'all you do is complain'. I don't complain anymore and they have no clue what's going on with Dad coz I'm POA. We have no extended family so when he passes there will be no funeral per se. Just a quiet moment at the graveside and I'll send letters to both bros to let them know when they can collect their inheritance. I have no plans to see any of them ever again.

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It is sad when family can't be bothered to at least stay in touch and visit, but as you are well aware, we can't make them. What you and your husband are doing is wonderful and hopefully it won't impact your own retirement and future...

While I agree that trying to force others can contribute to tearing families apart, in too many cases there is nothing to "tear apart." I had to come to the conclusion that nothing I say or do will change my brothers. It wasn't helping to get angry and wasn't impacting them in the least, only me. I wrote a draft email addressed to each one and put all the crap in there, but never sent it. Catharsis only. Sending it would have not changed anything, other than to get backlash, so it was not worth it! Made my existence better!

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Maybe it is High Time you talk to Dadf about becoming POA for him. Leave OUT your sister who doesn't wanto bve beothered helping you out. Thgis way someday if you can even get him to maske you a Living Trust of Everthing, You will get al of the bank accounts and NO PROBATE..She will be left OUT.xx

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Dad died. She is caring for mom.

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Basically, you cannot. (I am assuming that you do not have some kind of legally enforceable contract here.) So, sis does not want to come back. I say good for her since she is putting boundaries in place. Now, you need to go from there. What are you willing to do here? You have the right to set boundaries too. So what is mom's situation? Does she need to downsize a house, go into assisted living, a nursing home, what?? Can you get an assessment of her realistic care needs, financial situation and decide what options mom has? You and your sister have to honestly decide what you are willing to do. YOUR DECISION, not mom's. I'll be blunt here - her preferences do not come first. Since you must provide the labor, your boundaries come first, and so do your sister's. I'm just guessing here, but I think mom wants things to continue as they have but both your sister and you are not willing to do this. That is OK!! Now mom has to make other plans, hopefully with all of you on board. But harassing your sister seems to be a waste of time that could be better spent moving forward.

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I’m sorry to hear of your troubling issues. My honest opinion is that there’s nothing you can do unfortunately. You can do all you can do and later will feel good about it. Your sister in the other hand will have to live with her absences when the guilt comes later. I’m facing similar with my sister. She wasn’t there for the past 8 years, we just list our mom in November and now she’s having issues due to her absence. Me, I was here and feel good knowing I did my part and then some.
My suggestion is to do for you and your loved one because that’s all that matters now and all that will matter later. Time and life straining, absolutely. But it will all work out as it is supposed to and this difficult time too shall pass. I promise you though that after it’s over it will be you feeling strong that you were there every step of the way. Bless you for being there for tour loved one. My thoughts are with you.

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You cant....,sounds like its time to make arrangements for your mom to be placed appropriately. You are only responsible for what you do, not your sister. So make the decisions that need to be made for your mothers best interest so she is safe and cared for. Blessings to you

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You can’t and you don’t. It’s time to make other arrangements for mom. Neither of us obligated to run yourself in to ground taking care of her. Your sister is allowed to change her mind and put herself and her husband first. It’s time to make other arrangements for your mom.

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So have you moved in full-time, despite insisting that you wouldn't?

What has changed since your other thread in early October?

Why do you allow this to be all on you? What does your mother say? Does she recognize the unfair toll this is taking on you?

Do you have POA/HCPOA? What are her needs? What are her finances? Could living in a facility be a possibility?

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The short answer is that you can’t force her. I’m so sorry. Would you want someone who isn’t interested caring for her? It would never work out.

Best wishes to you.

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Don’t waste your time being upset with your sister. Not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver. She should’nt have to make up excuses. She’s not a resource. Accept that your mom needs more help than you can offer. Call your Area Agency on Aging and find out what your mom is eligble for.

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simply put and oh ,so good !

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You have no choice but to make other arrangements since your sister refuses to return, and won't help. You can't continue (nor should you!), and your sister has proven to be unreliable. You have to get this off of you or it will remain the same or worse.

Can Mom afford a full time caregiver, live in, or assisted living at some level? Does she have a home you can sell or any assets to help pay for assisted living or whatever level of care she needs? Those are the calls and decisions you need to be making right away. If it's a care facility, line up some to visit, and make the best choice.

Since you've been left in charge, you find the best care and choice for mother. Present what you find to mother, and tell sister what your decision is. Your sister has removed herself from decision making by not being reliable despite her promise. Let mother know you can't do this any longer, so these changes have to be made so she can get the best care and be safe.

Good luck.

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How can I get my sister to stick to our agreement to jointly care for Mom?

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