We have recently had to place my 95 year old dad in an assisted living place. He agreed to it after his mobility quit completely and other health problems made it impossible to live at home, even with extra help. The place is very nice and the people are kind and helpful. He is at their highest level of care there so he has a lot of help. He hates everything, blames us, says he had no say, the food is awful, they’re drugging him, etc. He is very verbally rude to the staff and is now refusing to take his medications. I didn’t see this coming. I knew there would be some resistance but not this. I am going to talk to the doctor about getting some counseling or even a psychiatrist who specializes in the elderly and anger. Does anyone have any other suggestions of how to deal with this issue? I don’t want to go see him and maybe I shouldn’t for a while, give him more time to settle in without my “interference”. He just insults me and complains about how awful everything is. His filter is completely gone. He did have a recent cognitive assessment and scored very low, which wasn’t a surprise to me.
many thoughts?
Thankfully she has never said harsh things to us, that said I know it is rough. Keep strong and know you did what you felt is best.
Counseling for him is pointless. YOU get the counseling! You deserve some help to get through this.
I would think your brother gets SS disability abd with that Medicare and Medicaid. What your parents never considered was that one day they would be gone and who would then care for your brother. If you don't want to do this for the rest if your life or your brothers, there is help out there. Start with your County Disabilities Dept. See what help u may get there. We have a place called The ARC where my nephew is given work he can do and gets minimum pay for it. They also have programs for those more disabled than my nephew. He is picked up by a bus and dropped off. There may be group homes where your brother can live.
I am trying very hard to take care of myself and my marriage. My husband had been wonderful. On top of everything, I am the caretaker and guardian for my developmentally disabled brother and he now lives with me. He’s a sweetheart but there are definitely challenges. Anyway, thank you for supportive response.
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet online about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it. Lots of Do's and Don't tips for dealing with dementia sufferers are suggested in the booklet.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia.
The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2
Best of luck to you.
Your Dad may need more care than an AL can give. Memory Care maybe better suited.
I was sitting with my Mom one day at her AL. A new resident had moved in. He was over 6 ft, not fat, but a big man. All he wanted to do was leave. The front door was a key pad entry. But the fire doors were not. All the man had to do was push on the doors for 15 seconds and they would open. He hadn't gotten violent when people stopped him from leaving. The aide standing next to my chair said to the other aide "they waited too long". Meaning its better to get someone into care when their symptoms start then they except the AL as their home when the Dementia shows more decline.
If he calls you and he becomes abusive, tell him you won't be treated like that and to call back when he can be civil. Then hang up. Keep doing it. Don't take the abuse.
His current condition may very well be a part of his struggle to adjust to his drastic (but inevitable and SAFETY BASED) change in lifestyle, and as such, was the BEST CHOICE for him out of all of the bad choices you had access to on his behalf.
This “resistance” in NOT at all atypical.
When I was helping my angry LO, I found myself more or less forced to call in a psychiatric based geriatric behavior specialist, and the result was positive almost from the specialist’s first visit.
The actual adjustment process lasted over about 6 months, but the end result (prior to COVID) was peace and relative comfort.
You are NOT by any means alone in this struggle, and you have made a painful but necessary choice on behalf of your father, in a situation in which very few choices result in happy endings.
Do your very best on his behalf, but BE SURE you’re treating yourself well too. This process is at least as painful and difficult for LOs as for recently placed residents.