How can I keep my 91 year old father from being verbally abusive to my wife?

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How can I keep my 91 year old father from being verbally abusive to my wife?

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My father with dementia moved into my home 6 months ago as he is incapable of living on his own. He is verbally abusive to my wife who consistently and lovingly services his needs in any way she can. Despite my consistent pleas to treat my wife with respect, he continues to demean her (mostly when I am not around) and has made her feel unwelcome in her own home. Dad has the means to live in assisted living, and I’m considering asking him to leave my home. I feel like an unfit husband and son. Is there any way I can change my father’s abusive behavior?

Abusive Relationship Multi-generational Living New to Caregiving

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IMO your family comes first. He either has dementia or is just a bully. In either case, your wife does not deserve to be treated this way.

He has funds, start looking for AL for him and move him out. He will not change, he will continue to get worse.

Sending support your way.

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You really cannot change a demented person's behavior in any way. Trying to get a message through to them is impossible; they get something stuck in their head and you can't chop it out with an ax! Sad but true. Even though he likely doesn't mean any harm with what he's saying to your wife, it's still something that is hurtful and bothersome to her, I'm sure. Verbal abuse is something that nobody should ever have to live with, no matter the reason for it.

If he has the means to live in Assisted Living, by all means look into it. Make sure the ALF has a Memory Care section as well, so he can move into that area either now or when needed. Dementia only progresses with time and never gets better, only worse, unfortunately. Moving dad into a Memory Care environment doesn't make you an 'unfit son'......it makes you concerned with his welfare and interested in getting him socialized and cared for in the best way possible. You are not an unfit husband, either, as you have no way to prevent his behavior towards your wife. You CAN be the hero by moving him out of your home and into an ALF, however.

Wishing you the best of luck with this whole situation

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Pretty much says it all. While seeking alternatives, be EXTRA supportive and understanding of your wife! Find ways to alleviate some of the care/interface she has with him. You say he has funds for AL - could you use some now to bring in help that would deal with him and give the wife a well-needed break?

Care-giving in general can be at the very least a thankless job, sometimes worse. Being verbally abused and unappreciated makes it worse. Dementia really plays into his behavior, though it might be how he has felt all along, and now just has no "filter" to prevent him from expressing how he feels.

As for the move, with dementia he will eventually, if not already, need MC. Moving/changing environments is hard on those with dementia, so it will probably be best to just move him to MC rather than AL->MC.

Moving him will relieve the pressure on your wife, make you the "hero" yet you can still be advocate for your father and visit often, ensuring he is well-cared for. Too many insist we *must* provide this duty because we owe it to them. Moving someone to a facility is NOT abandoning them and can actually make a relationship better, as it allows you to revert to being a caring child rather than a nurse-maid. With dementia, there is no reasoning with him or chastising him. No matter how many times you try to change his behavior or convince him to stop, he won't remember and it will continue, or even get worse.

Final thought - once he moves, he may become difficult towards you as well. Some adjust to the new environment, but it can take time. Others never adjust. Often staff will recommend staying away for a few weeks, to allow some adjustment. Learn to "redirect" his focus onto something else if he starts with the 'take me home' rant. If he can't be refocused, then cut the visit short, try again another time.

The only thing we can say is do NOT take the guilt about this on yourself. It is what it is, we can't control it. No matter what you do, you will likely get the "guilt" laid on you. Moving him will likely be the best for all.

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Your father isn’t capable of change, he’s a victim of the dementia he has and it’s beyond frustrating and sad. This doesn’t mean your wife should bear the meanness. Finding another place for your dad to live will help them both, your wife won’t be subjected to the abuse and your dad will be cared for by professionals who are trained in dementia care. You’ll still be a caregiver as you oversee your father’s care in a new setting

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Move him out of your wife's home. Your wife should not face abuse from anyone and your first duty as a man is to your spouse.

You say Dad has the means to afford Assisted Living, then that is where he should be.

If you do not move him out of your house, you wife may just move herself out. And she would be 100% in the right to do so.

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With dementia, you cannot argue with him - his brain is not working properly. So, if he can afford assisted living, then that is where he belongs. For sure your wife should not have to put up with abuse in her home.

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First, you are not an unfit husband or son, in fact just the opposite at least in my opinion. You are recognizing both the effort and the mistreatment your wife is enduring as well as doing everything you can to take care of your dad, kudos to you. The sad thing is your dad may not have total control over this behavior or even be really aware of how poorly he is treating your wife and his dementia probably means there is a good chance it's just going to get worse, though you never know for sure. You don't say if this has always been part of his personality or not, how his relationship with his wife was or how he has always treated his DIL but moving into someone else's house is never an easy adjustment and the feeling of loosing your independence has to make it that much harder, some of us deal with those challenges better than others. I'm not sure I would have it out with Dad or continue to plea with him, if he has the means to live in AL that's probably the best thing for all of you including Dad. Find a place near by where you can visit often, there will still be plenty of needs you will have to attend to and now is a better time to make this move than later as his condition deteriorates. Ideally finding a place that can increase his level of care as needed so he can live out the rest of his life on the same campus at least would be best but you have him safe and cared for now so you can take some time (I don't mean drag it out) to find the best situation possible and have a plan in place for the future. He raised you and you are caring and in tune enough to know your family's needs and future are important too so I'm going to venture out and say the father who raised you would support this. This is all just my opinion so take in anything that makes sense to you and dismiss anything that doesn't, we are all in unique situations that often sound familiar to others.

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Great reply, lymie. the ‘Helpful answer’ thing always seems a little clique-y to me. People should support each other more, to click that button is free. :)

bzkfrl, YOU ARE NOT UNFIT, or insufficient, or falling short in any way. That feeling sure is hard to get used to, but it gets easier. So many of us are not trained enough, wealthy enough, with enough space in our home or lives to manage the schedule and emotional and physical support of these elders.

Another vote that you absolutely should move him, dear. Use online articles, videos, a time-proven book or two, to learn/confirm what will be your criteria to make sure the place nearby will meet your standards. If it doesn’t, search further afield. I have learned that a place that you can get to more easily could also be the place you will in fact NEED to go to more often, because they can’t handle him. It’s not the gift it sounds at first.

Best wishes to you. Your wife comes first, and he’s lucky to be someone’s second priority, so many people don’t even get that.

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You know some of our posts are from wives whose husbands move their father and mother in and expect the wife to care for them. Abuse and all. This is nice that the husband is worried about the wife. I would say to set boundries but that is not possible with Dementia.

My suggestion is to place Dad in an AL. The sooner you do this the more likely he will except it as "home" as his Dementia progresses. Your wife does not deserve the abuse. Your Dad will be safe, fed and cared for in an AL. Hopefully he will enjoy having meals with others and the activities.

Your responsibility is to your wife. To keep her happy. Seems to be a keeper.

Just a question, how was Dad with ur mother.

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I haven't read the other posts but a couple of things in what you wrote strike me.

"Despite my consistent PLEAS to treat my wife with respect, he continues to demean her "

" I’m considering ASKING him to leave my home"

This is your home - yours and your wife's. You are within your rights and indeed have the responsibility to set appropriate boundaries regarding your dad's (or anyone else's) behaviour in your home.

In your own home you state (not plead or ask for) the standards of behaviour that are acceptable and the consequences if they are not met.

That consequence would best be that your father leave your home and move to a facility.

Asking him makes it his choice to say yes or no, and I suspect he wants to stay for a variety of reasons and would say no. He won't get away with that behaviour in a facility.

Telling him "either you stop the abuse or you leave" and following up makes it your choice, which it should be. This is your home and your marriage which is being seriously negatively affected. He is your dad and it is your matter to deal with to make things right for you and your wife. You can't leave it up to him.

As a point of interest, ( I am not looking for excuses for inexcusable behaviour) was he always abusive to women or people in general?

Good luck and let us know how things unfold. A big (((((((hug)))))) for your wife.

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His father has dementia, asking, explaining, putting in rules, it will not matter,his Dad can't process or understand. So for the abuse to stop, Dad must leave. It isn't about just saying it in a different way.

(8)

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Is your dad on any anxiety medication? I would pursue that solution and find an adult program that he can go to during the day. No choice, he goes or he doesn't live in your home. You are the head of your home, he is not.

Does your wife call him on his ugly behavior as it is happening? I would encourage her to tell him to stop and give a consequence, then enforce the consequences as the behavior is happening. This will help her feel like she has some control over her situation and it will let him know that she is not going to be his scratching post.

Depending on how far gone he is in dementia will determine how long he remembers that his bad behavior gets him in trouble with his caregiver. They live in the here and now when they are deep into the disease, so it is very important that the behavior is dealt with right when it is happening, otherwise they don't have a clue what the problem is. You know if he is far gone or just being ornery. Empower your wife with permission to tell him to stop and back her up.

My dad thought that he would be the center of my universe if he could get rid of my husband and he was diagnosed and fully aware of what he was doing. Bit him in the end, he went to a facility.

It has to work for everyone in the home or it doesn't work. No one is the bad guy in these situations, so please give yourself the grace and understanding that you have to do some hard things and nobody is going to enjoy this journey. It is about the best of bad choices when dealing with a progressive brain disease and finding the safest place for the sick loved one and retaining a life of your own while doing this. Difficult at best, life shattering at it worse. So please be kind to yourself and tell your wife the same.

Best of luck finding a solution that works as good as possible.

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Have you had your dad evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist? Perhaps his agitation and anxiety can be mitigated by medication.

Have you read about dementia? There is no getting a dementia patient to understand why they should not do something.
There is no logic any longer.

Getting him into a facility might be a good idea.

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Barb is right -an evaluation seems appropriate here. There is no reasoning, when dementia is involved. Boundaries and consequences may work if he is competent. If he has dementia you are in a different ball game . It is hard for an adult child to start parenting their parent, but often as they age we have to..

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Why would you ask him to leave your home.
TELL him gently and with love that he WILL BE LIVING SOMEWHERE ELSE.

Your “job” as his son is to be sure he is safe, fed, clothed, and respected as a human being. You DO NOT have to “pay” for his needs by expending the comfort of your wife.

You have taken on a terribly difficult job. A six month’s trial has shown you that the present arrangement is not working.

A cognitive assessment may be accessible in a memory care unit, or if not, may be arranged for more easily than in your home. He may well need a trial of medication.

Remember, you cannot control what your father says or does, but you can control where he says or does them.

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So very well said, Ann, especially "Remember, you cannot control what your father says or does, but you can control where he says or does them."

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bzkfrl, have your Dad checked for an Urinary Tract Infection. Such an infection in an older person can create all sorts of unwelcome issues, such as verbal abuse. If there is an UTI, it can be controlled with antibiotics.

As others have mentioned, it may be the best time to place Dad into senior living while he can still learn his way around the facility, and still be able to make new friends with people of his own generation. He may like this situation which would gives him MORE freedom. My Dad really liked living in senior living, he could sit all day reading to his heart content, but don't stand in his way when it was time for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. The food was excellent there :)

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Pleas? How about demands...and then sticking to your guns and removing him your home (and your wife's) when this doesn't happen?

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Why consider it, do it before you destroy your marriage. I would leave you if I was your wife because you’re the one allowing that to happen by having him move in with you.

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First - you don't ask him to leave, you make the necessary arrangements and move him.
Second - if your father has been abusive to your wife for 6 months, you're not going to change him - re-read First, and make the arrangements to move him.
Third - it is possible your father has been like this to all women and you never noticed it. Move him ASAP or risk your marriage.

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....or even possible he has been like this to all people! His son should have a good idea as to whether either of these are true.

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Oh my! Your dad needs placed in assisted living. Your home needs to be a place of refuge for yourself and your wife. Yes your dad needs care but not at your wife’s expense. With dementia if he’s already hateful I don’t see how anything you say will change that. It’s going to get worse not better. An assistant living environment would have more activities that might occupy his time some and there would be more caregivers. It’s a bad spot to be in. Hard on the heart.

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As the others have stated, move him out. Your wife deserves a peaceful home, and to NOT be the caregiver for your father.

You say he can afford it -- what are your plans to start looking around at them? Please tell us you have decided that this is what you must do.

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What is interesting is that his father mainly does it when the son is not around. So he must not be that out of control, he does not do it in front of a witness. So perhaps dementia removed part of the filter for this behavior but he can still turn it on or off. Mostly likely he has history of being verbally abusive to other women. Regardless, it is not acceptable and he must be moved.

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Excellent point!

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Some here recommend a dementia screening. Just an fyi: my mother had one (after being incredibly cruel to me) and as she's a narcissistic skilled in charming strangers, the doctor told her she was fine. On one of my many desperate calls to the Alzheimer's hotline, they kindly told me that they didn't think my mother had Alzheimer's. They said it sounded as if she had a personality disorder and if that was the case, personality disorders can intensify and get worse when someone gets older. So if your rather has a personality disorder and not dementia, then the screening may work against you. Hope your situation resolves well for all....

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mm2, I have had the same thing, ‘we can’t treat the personality disorder,’ etc. I now have the geripsych at the facility come, so the behavior symptoms over time will (always praying) get treated.

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It is your wife's home. He goes. The only question is where, but he goes.

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You can not change another person's behavior, especially with dementia. Discuss with your wife if your dad's communication is a problem for her. If she can deal with it, then nothing has to change for now. If it bothers her (and it would bother me - a lot), then it is time to help dad move to assisted living. Look for a place that can transition him to full care when he needs it.

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You can’t change what your father does to your wife. What you can do if you don’t want to put him in assisted living is hire a full time caregiver to cover the hours you aren’t home. I will tell you that it may stop after awhile, however in the meantime it’s not pleasant. Honestly if I had to care for my father again I would have put him in assisted living. Dad enjoyed the company of others and he also enjoyed his alone time. We guilt ourselves into doing for them, not thinking that we may be depriving them of the ability to be social when they choose.

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That is what has me keeping mom in a facility (have been asked to leave our first, about to move to the second) even though she prefers to be alone and still owns her house. I feel strongly that even a passing chat or two with someone in her same boat will have more value than Imor visiting nurses could provide.

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Move him out. Your wife does not deserve this and you should not tolerate him doing this. This situation has everyone living with misery. You have the control to have fewer family members experiencing this. I realize your emotions may be diminished presently but I would hope you have the love and respect for your wife to have her live a decent quality of life which is very difficult if she is being emotionally abused which she most certainly is.

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He needs to go.

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I would suggest you place him in an Assisted Living Community under Respite. That way he could stay there between 7-30 days and give you and your wife a break while introducing him to Assisted Living. Before he goes tell him that this is a trial for him to see what Assisted Living is like and he is welcome back after the visit. However if when he comes back he goes back to being verbally abusive to your wife or acts inappropriately in any way you will have to place him permanently in the Assisted Living Community. By doing this you are giving the control to him, if he chooses to go back to the negative behavior he has made the choice to move out.

You did mention that he has dementia. Depending on the level of the dementia he may or may not be able to process what he is doing. If the dementia is to the level that he can't control this behavior then I would consider placing him in an Assisted Living Community. The do have Assisted Living Memory Care Communities for those who need that level of care.

You need to prioritize your family. If your dad needs to move to Assisted Living this is by no means your fault and you should not feel guilty. By placing him you are putting him in a situation where he can get the specialized care he needs.

I wish you the best, let us know how things work out.

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I did not look at your profile to see if your father has some form of dementia or not but...
You give him an ultimatum. (and I normally dis like ultimatums)
You sit him down and tell him...."Dad I love you, I love my wife. If you continue to disrespect her while you are living in OUR home you will no longer be welcome and WE will ask you to leave." "This is a non negotiable rule."
Have a facility lined up and the very first time he disrespects you or your wife pack his bags.
To answer your last question..YOU can not change his behavior you can change your response to his behavior.

OK..looked at your profile and you mention that some of this is caused by anxiety. If that is the case it is possible that medication might help but many anti anxiety medication can take a while to work and it can be a process to find the right medication and the right dose. This might be worth discussing with his doctor.

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The first sentence in OP's original post says:
"My father with dementia moved into my home"

Anxiety or not, medication likely won't stop the problem. It may tone it down, it may not. The best solution for all is to find a place for him before he ruins the relationship.

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"Is there any way I can change my father’s abusive behavior?"

No, he has dementia and you cannot reason with someone who has dementia. Some anti anxiety meds might help, but I doubt it.

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Let me see, this is your father, you moved him in to your home. However, it is your wife who is caring for him. How come? Also, he is aware enough to berate her when you are not around. That means he knows what he is doing and could stop, because he stops when you are there. If I was your wife, I would be the hell out of there. It is HER house too. In fact, I did leave and it was my husband and my mother. He needs to live somewhere else..

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Mom’s facility sent her to the psych ward in a December and I was impressed there by how much responsibility they gave them there for reflecting on their emotions and controlling their actions.

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I think that the father should not be allowed to "bully" the daughter in law a moment longer. Dementia? Or just a history of disrespect for women? Who knows? It would be interesting if the son told the father that the son notices that the father bullies the daughter in law only when the son isn't there. The son could tell the father "I have told my wife to start recording your mean remarks to her the minute you show disrespect to her. She is to report back to me every time I return home". This would take blame off of the daughter in law and might show (if the father stops) that it is only long time meanness and not Dementia.

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How can I keep my 91 year old father from being verbally abusive to my wife?

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