My father with dementia moved into my home 6 months ago as he is incapable of living on his own. He is verbally abusive to my wife who consistently and lovingly services his needs in any way she can. Despite my consistent pleas to treat my wife with respect, he continues to demean her (mostly when I am not around) and has made her feel unwelcome in her own home. Dad has the means to live in assisted living, and I’m considering asking him to leave my home. I feel like an unfit husband and son. Is there any way I can change my father’s abusive behavior?
I have the flip thing going on--my MIL is HORRIBLE to me. Always has been, but as she has aged, the filter is GONE. NO dx of dementia, just a more intensely angry personality. She will scream at me. Literally. And my Hubs just sits there, he will not say one word about treating me better and he never did--so we're at a stasis. I refuse to have one thing to do with her increasing needs, and I know I am needed, but I respect MYSELF even if my DH doesn't. He always tells me to be the 'bigger person' but when a 90 yo woman is screaming at you "I hate you! Shut up! Why are you even here?" What do I say back to her?
Not a word.
She is one fall away from being back in the NH she was in for a couple of months last year. She COULD stay home, if she would allow me and SIL to work out a CG schedule, but she has made that impossible. All her own fault.
YOUR WIFE should come first. If I were your wife, I would have left you guys alone quite a while ago. Bless your wife for putting up with a FIL with dementia.
Even KNOWING my MIL probably isn't 100% 'there' the simple fact that she is beyond nasty to me, doesn't make me feel sorry for her. Words HURT, whether they are from a 'broken brain' or a nasty disposition.
Wow! I’m surprised she hasn’t divorced you yet!!! If he has the funds, get him into ALF or memory care immediately. You may not have a marriage left if you continue with this situation. Good luck!
In this instance, we don't know if the wife agreed to give it a go, but at this point, it should be DAD goes! In the meantime, while searching for the right place, they should consider hiring a care-giver to tend to dad's needs when OP isn't there (seems like very selective abuse, but that happens with dementia too) or taking him to a day-care place that specializes in dementia patients. Whatever can be done to alleviate at least some of the verbal abuse should be done until a permanent solution is found.
It is not fair to your wife to be verbally abused by your father. Give him two options. Stay and be respectful or he will have to be placed in a faculty.
Is he aware of his behavior?
So, my dear new friends, I commiserate with you and encourage you to shift away from the problems and seek guidance from the eternal. It truly is available if you seek it. I am living the miracle today. May you have peace that surpasses all understanding. Hugs to you and your family. Sending you love and light.
Bless you.
As many have stated, you can't change anyone's behavior except your own. This targeting and such directed towards your wife is either behaviors he's learned through the years or is part of his condition or more likely, both. One option would be to bring in a private caregiver while your wife is & is not present, for example. It would be enlightening to see how he treats a neutral party, and it would certainly offer insight to use in final decision making if you're still on the fence about getting him into ASL.
I believe someone mentioned it, but I would have a "nanny" cam (open or hidden) so that the facts are clear as there's a lot that goes on that we miss in the moment, especially when emotions are involved. Visual & auditory recordings can assist in that manner and in a vast array of areas such as documentation to support his health needs properly by having that very factual information to bring to his physician(s), and so much more.
However and with that said, I would personally remove him from your wife immediately. I try to explain to my patients and their families that one of the most effective ways to ruin a relationship is to move in with a family member or have the patient move in with them. This takes a toll on even the healthiest and loving of family environments - it's just a completely different dynamic when you reside together & relationships will change.
I feel that you'd be more neglectful if you didn't get him to a proper facility that's appropriately suited for his needs. The current situation is toxic to all involved, it seems. For his benefit, get him under the supervision of those trained to work with his condition and/or temperament. For your wife's benefit and your relationship, get this done straight away. As I'm sure you know and feel, your wife comes first and because he's your father, it's your responsibility to make it a priority.
Essentially, my advice is look at the facts and the positive aspects vs focusing on the negative - let the guilt go and instead, view putting him in an ASL community as what will best benefit him - all while ensuring your wife is safe and reassured by feeling comfortable and relaxed in her own home. In doing so, both of you can support him better all around.
It's not an easy task, I know but it sounds like it's in his best interest and you & your wife's. Take care & all the best!
My mom lived with us. She never mistreated my husband but my relationship became strained. It still effected my husband. I did have to ask my mom to leave. Hard? Yes, it is! But we do what we have to do.
Best wishes to you and your family.