How can I manage the Groundhog Day of Mom’s paranoia?
My Mom has Alzheimer’s dementia and is steadily declining. She’s in assisted living, but on the threshold of needing memory care, which no one wants. I’m struggling to figure out what to do for her right now.
Mom has become convinced that people in her facility are stealing from her. It started with her leaving Post-it notes everywhere saying to not touch any of her stuff. Now it’s jewelry and her valuables that she thinks are being taken. She hides things and can’t remember where she put them, which just makes it worse.
I keep telling her people aren’t stealing from her. I show her it’s not happening using Webcam logs (I installed one in her apartment for safety and with everyone’s consent). When she sees that she’s imagining things, it’s devastating and she doesn’t know what to think or do, whether to believe me or not.
But then she forgets. And the next time I see her, we do it all over again. It’s the same conversation over and over, the same sadness and helplessness, the same frustration. Groundhog Day paranoia.
She wants help, but she’s adamant that she won’t go into memory care, and won’t have a companion come in daily. I don’t know what to do, because I don’t want her to constantly go through this downward spiral, and I don’t know how much longer I can manage.
Any thoughts, advice, stories, and/or commiseration would help.
Thanks in advance!
3 Answers
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If she’s “adamant” is it possible that she’s absorbed a vibe from “no one”?
Admittedly there was a brief push back from some of us, when after a few weeks in AL the recommendation was made for a trial in the attached MCU, but quite soon after she arrived, a sympathetic visit from the facility’s psychiatric specialist convinced us that the MC was indeed the best placement for my LO, and that proved to be the case until COVID changed the landscape.
It truly sounds as though intelligent use of medication might help, but not as a way of avoiding placement in MC, but rather a way of making her more comfortable in embracing the placement.
Sometimes in the course of placing a parent or other dearly loved relative we wind up constructing a set of emotional reasons why we can’t, CAN’T place her in a care setting that actually may work much better than we think it will.
If you plan for her safety, peace of mind, and conscientious physical care, the rest usually falls into place.
She won’t, and CAN’T be convinced of anything, so stop trying to convince her. None of your “facts” will necessarily mesh with her delusional suspicions, because her suspicion as are part of her disordered thinking and not of your real world.
The psychiatric evaluation is a must. Once you have it, you will be better able to understand the things she can no longer understand.
She is fortunate to have a good and faithful son. Plan for her future as you plan for your compassionate but realistic approach to her condition as it progresses.
I personally am not opposed to memory care; I think she might get better care there. But she would also lose a huge part of her identity, which is wrapped up in her possessions and sense of independence. She’s also said, on multiple occasions, “I’d rather die than go in there.”
She hasn’t seen a geriatric psychiatrist and I think that’s a good call. Her neurologist has been totally unhelpful. She takes Aricept, but impossible to see if that’s having any effect.
Anyway, thanks again.
Delusions that others are stealing from you can often be treated with medication.
I tried to see it from his perspective... say the sky looked purple to me. I have 10 people telling me no, it's blue as usual. But MY EYES SEE IT'S PURPLE. Hard to tell someone what they truly see/think is not real when it's very real to them.
Anyhoo. Sounds like Mom could use a mild anxiety medication. Nothing that would make her drowsy; just a low dose to take the edge off. If she's already on one, then it may be time to up the dosage. If she's always afraid and thinks people are stealing, then she's suffering. There is nothing wrong about medication for this... if she were physically suffering, you'd want her to get the medical treatment she needs. Same thing with mental suffering.
Thanks so much for your thoughtful response.