I'm losing control over my own life, trying to manage my parents' increasing needs.
I'm too exhausted to go into extensive detail, but I am an only child, there's been no planning and things seem to have shifted quickly. I am the sole caregiver, but didn't even realize there was a name for taking care of aging parents until recently.
I started posting recently. Since then, I've gotten into a car accident, been late for jobs, lost important things like second set of car keys... in a month I have two traffic tickets- none previously!! I'm afraid of what will happen next.
I can't just abandon my parents and take a "respite". I'm barely paying my rent. I can't take time from working, I'm an independent contractor and now I have car repairs and traffic fines in addition to my ongoing financial problems...
I've contacted my Area on Aging, it ended up being more wasted time that I don't have to spare.
How do I cope? How do I reign it all in? I'm desperate.
Figure out what you CAN do and DO just that. Everything else they need to figure out. If they refuse to help themselves in certain areas then just let it go. Natural consequences. It is the same with children, they won't learn if you do everything for them. In this case you are doing everything for your parents so why should they be proactive?
My father would often call and demand I stop by after work for some trivial thing. I learned to not jump. Sorry I cant come after work on Monday, maybe I can be there on Thursday. Funny how the crisis always managed to work itself out by then.
Think f it this way....if you weren't around, what would they do?
I see they have vision and mobility problems but not dementia. Do they drive at all?
You don’t say what their finances are but they either need to rely on help from people other than you, or move to senior living where there is transportation, activities and meals.
Believe it or not you have a right to a life without constant stress that is causing you personal and financial harm. You have the right to set boundaries and say to them what you can and cannot do. For some persons it is hard but it can be done. And once you feel like you have some control, you can move forward with a plan. Many parents say they won’t move, period. If that is their answer, then you say, "Based on your decision, I cannot do it all for you". That puts it back on them. You tell them transportation can be arranged, as can in home care as needed.
I will point out that it’s better to move when they are younger than older. You might arrange a day out to visit a place or two with them, have lunch and talk to the marketing director or senior living.
There are options....you just need to realize you are not the only option there is. And that NO is a complete sentence.
You need to have a different arrangement, either someone else to help with part of the caregiving, or someplace else where your parents can be cared for.
This has to be your goal or else you yourself will lose your health or your jobs or both.
Are they living with you? Can your parents afford to pay for a helper to come in a few hours a day, a few days a week?
Can you tell us what your parents' needs are? That way other members here can better help you.
My parents [90's] were similar to your Mom and Step-Dad. Kinda on the border of still remaining in their own home, and one step away from senior living.
What has happen to you, and also to me was that we were enabling our parents to keep their lifestyle while we had to change our own. And my parents viewed me as someone still in their 20's and 30's with a ton of energy, not a senior who was wondering who was going to pick me up when I fell.
Oh in fact, one time I did fall and was out of commission for 6 months. So what did my folks do, they cancelled all their doctor appointments and other appointments and waited until I could drive again. Oh great, I was hoping they would get the hint. No way. Thank goodness for on-line groceries.
My fall did give an opening to start saying "no", but then the guilt trip was placed on me. What irked me big time was that my parents could afford to hire caregivers and taxi service. And afford to move to a really nice retirement village. Nope, never, nada.
So many times I would wish not to wake up in the mornings. Gee, wonder what my parents would do? "They would manage" [their stock answer].