I'm writing for my Mother in Law who is in a world of pain. She and her husband have moved in with her Mother who is 89 to be her caretaker. My Mother in Law and Father in Law are miserable and feel trapped. There is no one else to watch after this woman. Her mother is showing signs of dementia, not remembering people, can't remember to take her medication. She also says weird things and tells people that my mother in law and father in law won't feed her and yesterday, she told someone that they hit her on the head. These are completely outrageously false. My mother in law and father in law are staying with her in her teeny house and wish to purchase a large house for them to all live in. However, when they bring this up to her mother, the mother starts crying like a baby and pitching a fit. I think they just need to let her have her fit and do what makes them happy. After all, they are caring for this selfish, miserable woman. Does anyone have a similar situation or can help guide us? Thank you!
Perhaps you have already experienced some division or stress on you and your husband's relationship with your involvement in this dynamic.
Whatever will you do with the extra time you will have left over to have a great life?
This is your husband's mother?
She is caring for her mother?
If it isn't urinary tract infection, then it sounds like more than first or second stage dementia. Sadly there isn't anything one can do but deal with this journey. But there are meds to calm her down. This is only going to get worse, much worse.
As for moving into a larger house that's ok if none of Grandmother-in-law's money was used in the purchase. But as her dementia gets worse, then your in-laws will need to hire paid caregivers to help, as this will be too much work for your mom-in-law to deal with. Would they have enough money to do that?
I would scratch the idea of getting a larger house and look for Assisted Living for your Grandma-in-law, as she will need a higher level of care before too long, especially if she starts falling. The way I look at it, for each year an older gets older, it is more like 10 years. They can go downhill pretty quickly.
I think the in-laws in this post are in a somewhat different situation than you do. They are not in their own home, but in a too-small space that they intended to be temporary until they all moved into something bigger. AND -- this is huge -- they are dealing with dementia. They are dealing with a loved one who is accusing them of dreadful things. This is probably new and a big shock to them. If they are feeling like they want their life back I wouldn't stand in judgment of them.
ALL caregiving is hard, difficult, challenging, and stressful. Caregiving someone with dementia is in a class by itself! It too can be rewarding and life-enhancing but it can also be beyond the skill and endurance of loving relatives.
It is good to keep in mind that each situation posted here is unique.
I agree with pfontes that GM needs to see a doctor. If she doesn't have one I strongly suggest a geriatrician. Getting a diagnosis will help everyone know what to expect. With dementia the symptoms will change over time. Dementia is progressive, meaning it gets worse.
I also suggest that your in-laws take a crash course in dementia. There is an amazing amount of information available on this website, on the sites of dementia organizations such as Alzheimer's and Lewy Body and Parkinson, etc. It will help them not to take accusation personally, for example, to know that this is common.
If GM is accusing them of elder abuse this could be a Big Deal, even though the accusations have no basis in fact. This is another reason for seeing a doctor and documenting GM's cognitive decline.
Before taking any additional drastic steps, like buying a different house, your in-laws should definitely consult an Elder Law attorney (with GM's money). This is especially true if GM has limited funds and might need to apply for Medicaid some day. Even if she is very wealthy an attorney who specialized in Elder Law can provide very valuable guidance and help ensure that all the ducks are in a row concerning things like POA and Advance Directive. The lawyer can also advise about protecting themselves against false abuse accusations.
Your poor in-laws! They were only trying to do the loving thing!
My life with Papa, as difficult and frustrating as it can sometimes be, is worth 10 times more than my life would be if Papa was in a nursing home. I don't want my life "back." I want to cherish the time I have with my father and be there to help him enjoy every minute he's got left. My life will be better from here on out because of it.
Perhaps your in-laws share those familial values.
And please try to remember that Grandma is your mother-in-law's MOTHER. Your M-I-L is not only struggling with her own life change, but with perhaps with conflicting feelings about taking care of her mama.
If Grandma is needed to financially help with purchasing a bigger house - perhaps your in-laws need to re-think that plan. Asking an elder who clearly has some dementia going on to "invest" in housing everyone is taking advantage of the elder and may not even be legal. If your in-laws have the money, perhaps they could buy a larger home close by and slowly transition Grandma - if Grandma doesn't need assisted living.