I was the the caregiver for my Dad and my worthless siblings made my life a living hell.. From dealing with adult services and law enforcement. But i learned the hard way, being a caregiver for a loved one is the hardest job ever and get used to everything being ur fault. Well im here to let you know if your in a predicament like this make sure you arrange in writing some kind of agreement of a final payment. I was so caught up on helping my dad, I didn't even think of when his condition gets beyond my capabilities. Well that time is here and instead of family members thanking me they look as if I spent the whole time draining his account. When in fact I was using my own money to purchase medication, vitamins, glasses, etc... Well now my job is over no help from brother and sister, im now receiving food stamps and living with my mum. Not what I planned at all.. Sometimes we get so tied up thinking about the lose of a loved one and our own life gets over looked. Make sure you look after yourself 50/50 maybe 60/40 and just remember once the siblings gets to tough on you, just start walk in.... Because once they start it never ends and they won't feel thankful for what you had done nor will they feel as if they owe you anything. Just get the mind frame as if this is your job.
She said "NO WAY!" and begged me to come help. All 5 siblings were furious, They are amazed at how happy Mom is and 4 of them hate me less.
My Dad and my Mom both in sound mind favored me in their will in exchange for my commitment to stay until they leave this world.
I still work part time when I can.
Our attorney expects trouble from the siblings and is ready to handle it. Amazing families we have.
Wish I could take each one of you out to lunch and encourage and hug you! thanks for all the honesty.
Take care Bob!
It's called a quit claim deed. Any attorney can do his for next to nothing. The house goes into your name immediately.
Re: financial situations - I have observed that it is easy for a caregiver to get screwed financially unless they have things in writing.
If the person you are taking care of is mentally competent - it is wise to have a legal employment agreement that clearly states what they are paying for (ie: rent, food, laundry, adding a wheelchair ramp, doctor visits, etc, etc) and how that is being paid. Do you give them receipts? Do they pay a flat monthly amount? Even if you totally trust that person, it is best to have a written agreement for when they might slip into dementia and the other relatives would be more involved. Even better - have a lawyer draw up the agreement because that lawyer can back you in stating that the person was in their right mind when they agreed, and wasn't being coerced. If the person has agreed to deed you property or their car or anything else upon their death - put it in WRITING. Make sure the deed has your name added to it. It is virtually impossible to prove it after they pass if you have nothing in writing.
And the best time to negotiate this is BEFORE they move in; BEFORE their health gets worse.
If the person is not competent - and your agreement is with members of their family - again, draw up a legal agreement that includes every detail you can come up with. Do this BEFORE the person moves in with you. You have more power to negotiate what is fair to you before you start than waiting til after.
In the case of my friends: One friend cared for her beloved aunt with the grateful agreement from the aunt's children. There was a verbal agreement about her getting some compensation from the house sale when her aunt would pass. But the moment the aunt died, her children refused to honor their agreement and kicked her out of the house her aunt owned without any severance and without much notice.
In another case, the elderly mother moved cross country to live with her daughter. Again, a verbal agreement that the mom would pay for the larger apartment and all related costs. But once she arrived, she refused to pay her fair share and my friend, the daughter, didn't insist. The mom kept telling my friend that she was included in her will, and that her son (my friend's brother) would split the profit on the mom's condo when she died. The brother was amazingly grateful for his mom to be cared for - but after she died - he refused to give my friend any portion of the condo sale. And she discovered that she had never been in the will. Her mom (who had always been somewhat abusive) had just been stringing her along.
So... whether you trust the one you are caregiving or not - whatever is promised needs to be in writing. And the best time to do that is BEFORE you give up part of your life to help. Once they move in, and especially after they die, you have very little power to change it. So get a legal agreement about what they are paying for, any severance payments after they die, any agreements about what you receive after their death (car, furniture, home, severance, etc.) Also any agreements about what happens if you cannot take care of them any more - which could be because their situation becomes more severe than you can deal with; or your health declines; or you cannot handle things emotionally; or.... You would still deserve fair compensation for the time you helped them.
And if you are already the caregiver and don't have an agreement- try your best to get a firm agreement from the one being cared for, or from the family as soon as you can. Put it in writing; have it drawn up by a lawyer; or at the very least, have it notarized by all concerned.
It might feel selfish or petty - but it is not. Most likely, you will be giving much more than what you are compensated for.
Awful way to look at things, isn't it. But, u must cover ur tail in everyhing. TG I have POA. TG my brothers go along with my decisions and we all are on the same page. Other than my DH, Mom will be the last person I will care for.
I think that reviewing the form weekly can help home-helpers start to list their hours - and the form also suggests what families would have to pay - usually from elder's funds - to purchase such services.
I don't think the form is complete - since long term caregivers learn to prevent difficulty. Since we are the ones left to rescue and plan alternatives if a care plan fails, I found that I developed skills like an Occupational Therapist, to see where my brother would likely fall or break things - and I chose furniture that was sturdy for him, and set up his daily walking path through a neighborhood so that he would be seen if he fell, and I also chose the walk to a local sit down restaurant, not just a day program. And taxi to adult ed in evening. My learned planning skills don't show up on a care services form, and I should think of what kind of format can notice that aspect of the expertise we develop.
But starting to think of the care as a service - even if we do it out of love, duty, gratitude or sense of values - still is very important, for we can feel stronger and openly respected, only if our efforts are more visible, and that takes effort.