My dad has tried taking care of her but in turn his health has declined. My problem is I cannot get past the guilt of putting her in a home and the thought of failing her. I have always been super close to my mom and this is just killing me. If I could quit my job and take care of her I would in a second but unfortunately this is not an option. How do I accept the fact that this is best of her?
Let go of any guilt and shame, and go be JUST her daughter again.
Blessings
Dusty
We don't get to choose whether or not the people we love suffer with dementia. We do get to choose how we respond to it. And making hard decisions that aren't what our hearts wish we could provide is part of that.
Your mom is blessed to have you - a brave child making the best choice possible even when it hurts.
Instead, she led a happier life during her last 5 1/2 years in that nursing home than she’d lived for the almost 3 decades before, and died at 95.
Prior to placement, I’d slept on the floor beside her bed for months, because she’d attempt to get out of bed and was a constant severe fall risk. She’d already broken her hip, and was probably in moderate dementia.
I visited every day at supper hour, and her 2 younger sisters visited at lunchtime. I grew to love her caregivers, and remain in touch with some of them to this day, over 10 years after she died.
As long as you are comfortable with the facility, your observations of her care will gradually allow you to relax with the knowledge that her caregivers there are available 24/7 to give her the care that you know she needs.
With my late dad, I ended up hiring an agency to take care of him until he passed. He kept telling me that he didn’t want to go to the nursing home because he remembered that it was depressing when my mom went. He had a mild dementia and he was somewhat alert, but he ended up dying from an advanced lungs cancer.
Take it one step at it time. You will feel relief for your dad’s sake and your mom will have 24/7 care. Just keep letting your mom know that you love her very much and you will be visiting her every day.
I went today to visit and found my mother in her room with my sister and brother-in-law visiting. I asked where my father was, and my mother said, “I don’t know, he never tells me anything!” I finally found out that he had gone fishing! Imagine that! They had taken my wheelchair-bound father who has one leg that can’t bend and sticks way out in front of him, along with five other male residents, put them all on the facility bus, with several aides following, down to the Gulf of Mexico to fish off a pier. How great was that!? All these guys have dementia, but they remembered how to fish!
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