I think the answer to my question is "you can't". She lives in a 2-story home, with a basement, that is completely full of "stuff". Not a square inch of free space on any surface, including the floors. Always mounds of dirty dishes. Spoiled food in frig. She's been wearing the same clothes for months and now her shoes are actually house slippers and they are filthy inside and out. I have begged her to let me arrange to have the house decluttered (to put it mildly) and cleaned, but she refuses. She is anemic most likely because of her lack of nutrition. She told me she "lives on toast", but won't let me clean the kitchen and frig (or anything). When I bring food to her, her great grandson eats it. The house is a health, safety, and fire hazard. She has fallen more than once. I believe she trips over the obstacles on the floor, but she denies that. She even told me that she fell asleep standing up in the kitchen and fell down, hurting her leg. When I try to talk to her about the hazardous conditions, she screams at me "why can't you just let me live until I die?"
I'm very scared that she will actually get injured and/or sick just from the condition of the house and die. She's hearing impaired but refuses to admit it and refuses hearing aids. She has macular degeneration and can't see very well. Two of her doctors have told me that she's capable of making her own decisions, even if I think they are terrible decisions. It is breaking my heart to see my own mother living in this condition. If she lived with my brother or me in the same conditions as her house, we would be accused of elder neglect. I've almost come to the conclusion that there really is nothing I can do about this except call protective services. If I do that, she will be forced to leave her home, and her three cats, and her great grandson. and the stress of that may kill her. I stopped trying to get her to let us clean the house and make it safe because my blood pressure sky-rockets and I feel like I'm having a heart attack when she starts screaming at me. I've read in this forum that 40% of caregivers die before the person they are caring for. I can understand why now. If anyone has any insight, suggestions, or answers, I would dearly appreciate your response.
Thank you
I have just spent an extremely frustrating few minutes trying to find resources for young adults with Down Syndrome in the USA; unfortunately, because America is so big I expect, the national organisations seem to focus more on policy and human rights than on services as such. But if you go online and search for 'services for young adults with Down Syndrome' in your mother's locality I hope you will have more luck.
I think your nephew's needs, you're right, must be the end of the thread. Once your mother has confidence that his future is more secure, she may be more willing to consider her own. (nephew or great-nephew, by the way?)
Child Protection won't be interested because he is not a child. APS, by rights, *ought* to be interested in his welfare because he is a vulnerable adult; but given the workload they have supporting older people it's understandable that they don't have the resources to be effective in meeting specialist needs like his.
When you have a project like this on your hands, which essentially comes down to dogged pursuit of the right professionals and banging of heads together, it does help to know you have a support group behind you. Best of luck, I hope you'll soon make contact with people who can really help.
So I should do that if I were you.
Meanwhile, while you're waiting for them to do their stuff, there are three things you can be getting on with.
Read 'Being Mortal' by Atul Gawande;
Remember that your mother is 87, and if she doesn't know by now what it suits her to eat it's a bit late to start;
Ask your nephew how he plans to make himself useful.
Good luck, deep breaths, feel better.
Or call APS. Becoming a resident of a nursing home does not cause people to die, although a lot of posters here seem to think so.
What is the story with her great grandson? Is her caregiver?