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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
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You don't ask, you just tell him that it's now time to take a shower, and you lead him in the bathroom, help him get undressed, help him in the shower(making sure of course that he has a slip proof mat, grab bars, and shower chair so he feels safe)and then if need be you grab a wash cloth and soap and wash him up yourself. Same thing with brushing his teeth. You just tell him that it's time to brush his teeth and then you take him in the bathroom, put the toothpaste on his toothbrush and again if need be you brush his teeth for him. And at bedtime you tell him it's time to get his pajamas on, and you take him in the bedroom and help him get his clothes off and help put his pajamas on. You can then throw his dirty clothes in the hamper, and put out new clothes for him to put on in the morning. The important thing is not to ask but to tell him what's going to happen, and then help him if necessary. If you find all of that to be just too much for you, then you may want to hire an aide to come at least twice a week to get him in the shower and to change his clothes and brush his teeth. Or if your husband goes to an Adult Daycare Center they often will offer a spa day weekly where they will shower your husband and wash and style his hair.
You can't "convince" him. You can't suggest. You have to say... "Honey, it is time for your shower" Before you say that you get everything ready that you will need. Shower bench or chair. Hand held shower wand Several towels. The head and torso are "vulnerable" areas so don't start off getting his head and chest wet, start at the feet. Let him hold the shower wand. The bathroom is a noisy place so if you can turn the water off between getting him wet and rinsing that might help. Talk in a lower, quiet voice. Tell him exactly what you are going to do. "honey, I'm going to get your feet and legs wet." "I'm going to use the soap now, doesn't it smell good?" "Let's do your hair now." (Use a gentle baby shampoo so that if it does get in his eyes it won't hurt) "We are almost done let's rinse off" OH...forget a daily shower. 2 maybe 3 a week is plenty.
BUT..toileting. If he is having problems with all that you mentioned I bet he is having problems with toileting. You need to monitor him in the bathroom. Make sure he is cleaning himself well. Washing his hands. And if he is incontinent make sure briefs are changed when they are wet / soiled. And you need to start getting him to the bathroom at least every 2 hours. This is to check him as well as it does help with circulation and may help prevent pressure sores.
Teeth brushing. You may have to do that for him. Switch to an electric one, it can do a better job. But he may have problems with the vibration.
Shaving, you can do that. It is easier with an electric but there are razors specially made for caregivers to use on someone. I think Gillette makes them.
Clothes. At night when he gets into pj's take his soiled clothes and put them in the wash. Take clean clothes and put them right were he put his soiled ones.
With each of these tasks there are a lot of steps and a person with dementia gets confused and "forgets" the steps so they stop doing a task. So these tasks now fall on someone else.
Decisions are difficult to make with dementia and if you eliminate some of the decision making it makes it easier for both of you.
You take over. You take him to the bathroom and say "time to shower". Take him to the sink, put the toothpaste on the brush and hand him the brush. When he takes off his clothes at night, if dirty, throw them in the wash. Lay out fresh forvthe next day.
If he is not active, he does not need a shower every day. If his outer clothes are not dirty, he can wear them a couple of days. Underwear should be changed daily.
He can not be in control of these decisions. As Funkygrandma says, you simply tell him "It's time to do this now.." Don't give him too many options or choices, it could be overwhelming for him.
Other than that, you may need to compromise your idea of clean. You can gently offer to help with oral care, if he is willing. Turn the shower on and get in with him, if that helps. Or tell him, "Your shower is ready, Let's get you out of these clothes.." Set out a new change of clothes for him daily, so he doesn't have to think about it.
And, again, like I said, relax your ideas of what he "needs" to do. He is in a vulnerable state, and declining. There are more important things for both of you to focus your life on than his cleanliness. Do the best you can do, and accept that is enough.
Personal hygiene is one of the first things they stop doing. They think they have just bathed and just changed clothes...they can't remember. It is also exhausting for them. It does take cognitive ability to take a shower and put on clothes. If you wait on him to do it on his own, it won't happen. If you ask him if he wants to shower, he will more than likely say no. You have to approach it as a non negotiable. "it is bath time". Have everything all laid out and lead him in there. Start the water, get him into the shower and hand him a soaped up washcloth. Instruct him what to wash and when. If he can't follow those instructions, you may need to wash him. It's kind of funny...my mom would scrub the hell out of her forearms but not wash anything else. I would say those arms are close to raw, now lets wash your face, armpits and bottom!
If you don't already have a hand held sprayer in your shower, you need to get one! It will help you wash all the nooks and crannys! It helps to rinse hair without having their face in the water stream and you can sit the sprayer down and give him a break from the water. Hopefully you have a seat in the shower too!
I'm not sure how old your husband is, or what stage of dementia he's in, but My Dad's doctor had me stop getting my dad in the shower a long while back. It's not safe for them to shower if they have progressed dementia. So Dad gets sponge baths now, and his dentures go in a cup each night. A trick I've learned, is at the end of the day when he removes his clothes to go to bed, I tuck him in and then take up all his clothes, etc. for the day and toss them in the wash, and lay fresh clothes out for the morning. This way he stays clean and smells nice and fresh. My husband, who was 68, passed away last year from multiple organ failure from long covid. - Towards the end he could no longer stand to shower on his own, so I'd put shorts and a top on and get in our walk-in shower (lucky it is huge)with him in his wheel chair. I bought a shower head with the hand held sprayer with a long hose - this helped so much. I was soaking wet afterwards, but at least he got clean daily. I wish you all the best! Hang in there!
I did this with my mother sitting on a shower chair, and I just stripped naked. M was a bit sad about her various scars and masectomy, so I showed her all my own scars, and said that I felt the same way when I was occasionally allowed a glimpse of my teenage daughters' bodies.
Be kind and direct and give simple instructions. Make his hygiene part of his daily routine: in the morning - dress, shave, comb hair after breakfast - brush teeth after dinner/evening - take off clothes, wash up, put on pajamas, brush teeth you may consider washing his hair should become a part of his daily routine as well - so his hair is always clean
Only give options or choice when it doesn't impact his health or safety.
My parents are 82 and starting down the dementia path . I started showering with mom a year ago or so to get her comfortable with it . I bring the wheelchair in so she can sit in it after the shower and I can dry her hair . In the shower she sits in a shower chair with me behind her. I wash her long hair and her back , she does the rest ( even leaning back on me to get the girly parts cleaned and rinsed well ) . Dad will push back - I have to explain to him that he could get sick from bacteria and I suggest he shower before mom and I so we don't use all the hot water ( this speaks to his frugal side ) . We do this once a week when I visit . It’s become a routine . I always lay out clean clothes for both before the showers and say give me your dirty clothes as I’m doing laundry and no sense doing only half of it . They do use wipes during the week . I don’t argue with either of them . I explain the importance of staying clean for their health and also mention that one is pretty much lost without the other so it’s good that they each stay healthy to be there for the other .
Tell him he needs to get in the shower. If you don't want to do it, you can hire a bath aide for a couple hours just to do personal care.
I had a client this week and his place stunk to high heavens. No wife in sight or kids, just a bachelor type. The cabinets were filthy, and the rugs were so nasty that I could barely breathe. I tried to vacuum but the vacuum cleaner would barely move. The trash can was full of beer cans. I had to clean that horrid place. I think lack of stimulation has a lot to do with it if a person is just sitting all day. The muscles will get weaker if they are not used. He is a very sick man, and the sad part about this situation is that a lot of his health problems could have been prevented. I was there to help with his shower, but he did not want one. He said he can't remember the last time he took one. I think he washed up today because he had thrown some old drawers in the kitchen trash can and the smell wasn't that bad. I wore a mask though.
I just found out why my husband would take a shower. I found out by accident. He has to wear a heart monitor for a month, and he had to be clean. The office said to change the device every 5 days. So on day 5, I told him, "In the shower you go," that's when he told me he could not get in or out of the shower. without help. Before when I asked, he would just grumble and give stupid answers. As for clothes, I put out clean underwear each day and new shirt and pants every other day, because, if we did not have to go anywhere, I felt two day of wear was good. On those nights, I put his dirty clothes in my dirty hamper.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Same thing with brushing his teeth. You just tell him that it's time to brush his teeth and then you take him in the bathroom, put the toothpaste on his toothbrush and again if need be you brush his teeth for him.
And at bedtime you tell him it's time to get his pajamas on, and you take him in the bedroom and help him get his clothes off and help put his pajamas on. You can then throw his dirty clothes in the hamper, and put out new clothes for him to put on in the morning.
The important thing is not to ask but to tell him what's going to happen, and then help him if necessary.
If you find all of that to be just too much for you, then you may want to hire an aide to come at least twice a week to get him in the shower and to change his clothes and brush his teeth.
Or if your husband goes to an Adult Daycare Center they often will offer a spa day weekly where they will shower your husband and wash and style his hair.
You can't suggest.
You have to say...
"Honey, it is time for your shower"
Before you say that you get everything ready that you will need.
Shower bench or chair.
Hand held shower wand
Several towels.
The head and torso are "vulnerable" areas so don't start off getting his head and chest wet, start at the feet. Let him hold the shower wand.
The bathroom is a noisy place so if you can turn the water off between getting him wet and rinsing that might help.
Talk in a lower, quiet voice.
Tell him exactly what you are going to do. "honey, I'm going to get your feet and legs wet." "I'm going to use the soap now, doesn't it smell good?" "Let's do your hair now." (Use a gentle baby shampoo so that if it does get in his eyes it won't hurt) "We are almost done let's rinse off"
OH...forget a daily shower. 2 maybe 3 a week is plenty.
BUT..toileting. If he is having problems with all that you mentioned I bet he is having problems with toileting. You need to monitor him in the bathroom. Make sure he is cleaning himself well. Washing his hands. And if he is incontinent make sure briefs are changed when they are wet / soiled. And you need to start getting him to the bathroom at least every 2 hours. This is to check him as well as it does help with circulation and may help prevent pressure sores.
Teeth brushing. You may have to do that for him. Switch to an electric one, it can do a better job. But he may have problems with the vibration.
Shaving, you can do that. It is easier with an electric but there are razors specially made for caregivers to use on someone. I think Gillette makes them.
Clothes. At night when he gets into pj's take his soiled clothes and put them in the wash. Take clean clothes and put them right were he put his soiled ones.
With each of these tasks there are a lot of steps and a person with dementia gets confused and "forgets" the steps so they stop doing a task. So these tasks now fall on someone else.
Decisions are difficult to make with dementia and if you eliminate some of the decision making it makes it easier for both of you.
If he is not active, he does not need a shower every day. If his outer clothes are not dirty, he can wear them a couple of days. Underwear should be changed daily.
As Funkygrandma says, you simply tell him "It's time to do this now.."
Don't give him too many options or choices, it could be overwhelming for him.
Other than that, you may need to compromise your idea of clean.
You can gently offer to help with oral care, if he is willing. Turn the shower on and get in with him, if that helps. Or tell him, "Your shower is ready, Let's get you out of these clothes.."
Set out a new change of clothes for him daily, so he doesn't have to think about it.
And, again, like I said, relax your ideas of what he "needs" to do. He is in a vulnerable state, and declining. There are more important things for both of you to focus your life on than his cleanliness. Do the best you can do, and accept that is enough.
If you don't already have a hand held sprayer in your shower, you need to get one! It will help you wash all the nooks and crannys! It helps to rinse hair without having their face in the water stream and you can sit the sprayer down and give him a break from the water. Hopefully you have a seat in the shower too!
Make his hygiene part of his daily routine:
in the morning - dress, shave, comb hair
after breakfast - brush teeth
after dinner/evening - take off clothes, wash up, put on pajamas, brush teeth
you may consider washing his hair should become a part of his daily routine as well - so his hair is always clean
Only give options or choice when it doesn't impact his health or safety.
I had a client this week and his place stunk to high heavens. No wife in sight or kids, just a bachelor type. The cabinets were filthy, and the rugs were so nasty that I could barely breathe. I tried to vacuum but the vacuum cleaner would barely move. The trash can was full of beer cans. I had to clean that horrid place. I think lack of stimulation has a lot to do with it if a person is just sitting all day. The muscles will get weaker if they are not used. He is a very sick man, and the sad part about this situation is that a lot of his health problems could have been prevented. I was there to help with his shower, but he did not want one. He said he can't remember the last time he took one. I think he washed up today because he had thrown some old drawers in the kitchen trash can and the smell wasn't that bad. I wore a mask though.
As for clothes, I put out clean underwear each day and new shirt and pants every other day, because, if we did not have to go anywhere, I felt two day of wear was good. On those nights, I put his dirty clothes in my dirty hamper.
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