How do I cope with the unexpected arrival of my 90-year-old father-in-law?

Are your children minors?

If they are, you need a log term plan. You can't solve this overnight. Getting and holding a job, saving your money and preparing for a post-marriage life.

What are FIL's care needs?

What are his resources?

It sounds like you are used to not being listened to, either by your husband or his family. I think you need some help in figuring out how to change that.

How long have you been out of work? Can you get a job?

If your marriage was already in trouble, I don't see this working out, quite frankly. How long have you been married?

I bet it's hard living in an isolated rural area (I would absolutely hate it!). I think in-home care is probably hard to find, so any vague promises to get this kind of help aren't going to work out.

"he was applying to live in residential care."

So did he? Or did he mean he was going to, so that you wouldn't think his move-in would be permanent? Was one of his children helping him with applications?

Can you get some (at least emotional) support from your children? Since your FIL is 90, I'm assuming your children are all adults, unless you are a good deal younger than your H. Are any of your children living in your home?

One more question -- what does your H say about all of this? You have told him your great unhappiness, yes?

There is only so much you can do, especially while dangling at the end of a rope.

It sounds like you feel setting some boundaries at this point would be futile, and ultimately, that would take care of only so much that's weighing on you.

In your place, I would feel it necessary to organize my thoughts and present them in a manner that is objective and logical, not personal or needy-sounding, and present it as "how do we move forward because it's impossible under the present arrangement, as you can see."

Choose words and phrases thoughtfully. No inflammatory words. No accusations.

In this, include options you see as viable. Including placing your FIL. Make it clear that, as family, everyone needs to offer solutions, and be a part of them.

In this, include "if this, than that" as discussion points. (If he stays here, this needs to happen; if no one helps, I can't do this b/c XXXXXXX.) From the sounds of it, though, no one will want to be invested in his care.

This is too much for one person to "cope with," as you say, and maintain any sense of well-being.

Lay it on the line (with an organized, objective agenda, as suggested) or draw a line...that he needs to be placed. Period.

This will get messy.

But if you don't take action, your burden will worsen, especially with a 90 yo.

It's harder for people to fight logic. If you present the case to be made (and a very good case you have) as emotional, that's what they'll see and hear--when they need to realize the new situation has compounded an existing situation.

My heart goes out to you. (And your FIL.)

I already replied, but others were cross-posting as I was. One poster commented on how much they would hate being isolated. Reminded me of a time in my deceased MILs earlier years.

They were living in the way-back mountains of West Virginia. They couldn't drive cars to the property; they had to walk in. No phone service, etc.

Pressures mounted. She ended up admitted to a state hospital for a few months.

(What did people do in earlier generations? There have always been family matters that increase pressures, etc. I guess it must be, back then, families stayed together--extended family--and therefore the resources to spread out the responsibilities more fairly.)

Tell him that he’s staying only until June 1. Have him sign something saying so. Then tell the in laws that this is the plan, sorry. Someone else will have to take him or you’ll get the county to take him. Period. The one daughter already dumped him, so can you.

You need to have a talk with hubby. You say ur marriage is not that good so...

Tell him you feel sorry for FIL but you cannot be his caregiver. You have been there and done that. That the constant barrage of people coming in and out of your home daily is maddening. You spend most of your time in the bedroom. Its no longer your home. His reaction will be your answer.

Then you start making plans. Talk to a lawyer to see what you r entitled to. Get a job. You can collect SS at 62. You get less than if u wait till 67 (100%) and still make a certain amount of money a month. Maybe you can stay with one of ur children till u get on ur feet.

"As well as that there is a daily invasion of in laws and support people into my home which I'm finding really intrusive. My in laws do and always did just walk in without warning into my home and now it feels constant."

Just a comment on that.   You don't have to tolerate people walking in and out of your home.  The easiest way to stop that is to lock the doors.   If you have to, tape a sign to the door stating that all visitors must call before coming, and when they call, tell them this isn't a good time, and they'll have to call some other day.

There is absolutely no excuse for people being so rude, inconsiderate and irresponsible, but since you've allowed this in the past, you'll have to be the one to stop it.

Or establish visiting days and times.   Another alternative is, when they call, tell them that you need help with a, b, or c....all big projects that require them to get physical, or do something besides meddle.  

I did that when some church people were making nuisances of themselves.  I told the husband that I needed help moving mattresses around, and found some other tasks for him.  He didn't appreciate that, and his visits became less frequent.

I can only suggest you read our responses to this question below on Forum in which the OP questions whether or not to move in the MIL. You will see by our answers that you likely just got yourself in a real pickle. I hope responses will help you make clear decisions for yourself.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-husband-and-i-are-starting-to-have-to-think-about-where-my-mil-wi

Could you put an insulated container (esky here) at the door for FIL’s food deliveries? Two perhaps, one for hot and one for cold. Then lock your doors. Neither the deliverer nor the rellies have any need to waltz through your house.

I’ve had the problems of living in an isolated farm, and that’s why we are (still!) in the process of moving to Alice Springs. Small town, but the CBD and lots of activities are 15 minutes down the road. You need to have plans to leave. Where could you go?

You are being too ‘nice’. Have you told your FIL that he is not welcome to live with you, and he needs to make plans to move on? If he is capable at all, he should be doing that for himself, not working on mods to your house. Be rude to him and everyone else about the way that his daughter treated both him and you. Object to the unwelcome visitors - ‘Please leave’ is nice and clear. Don’t pretend that it’s OK. It’s not. Make a fuss. Upset the family. Let the family upset your husband. Have a big row, don’t let this just slide into ‘the norm now’. Make sure that your husband realises that his marriage is up for grabs.

‘Domestic violence’ means a lot more than physical violence these days, and it includes being treated like the family slave by your husband and his relations. Phone a Domestic Violence service, and start asking questions about where you can move to with your children. Phone APS, and say that you intend to remove FIL who has nowhere else to go, whose own children have dumped him.

You are in a very difficult position, and you are the only person with the need and the ability to change it. Get help from any agency you can think of. Best wishes and good luck!

Sharon,
Just because they’re your in laws doesn’t mean you can’t lay down the law. He is gonna be gone on June 1 as you have sick minor children to support. You will not be instilling railings or anything else to make YOUR home more nursing home like to his liking, and you will not be an open door AL for his relatives, help or no help.

If you’ve been married 20 years the minor children are issue of the marriage, correct? Heard the term being taken to the cleaners?

Sharonb098, curious what are Dad-in-law's health issues? Clear minded? Mobile?

Honestly, I feel sorry for the guy, especially that his own daughter wanted him out of the house because he wasn't paying enough. Sad excuse. Or was his daughter tired of her own relatives going in and out of her own house?

Those "visitors" seem to be ruining what could have been a good situation. If they have time to visit, they have time to help with Dad-in-Law's care.

I would help Dad-in-Law find senior living, so he can be around people more of his own age group. I know I own Dad was happy as a clam to find all these new sets of ears to hear his stories :)

In the mean time, see if your four children can help their Grandpa, they are old enough [you mentioned 13 to 19 years old]. I always enjoyed hearing stories on how Grandpa grew up, etc. Or start a family tree and gather info from him.

And lock your front and back doors. Ignore the knocking at the door and the door bell ringing. Is Dad-in-law using Meals-on-Wheels, or is he using a Door Dash type thing ordering from restaurants? Set a certain time that he can order meals.

Unless you had trouble in your marriage prior to that period when you took care of your parents it may be that splitting your attention between caregiving your parents and children maybe be what took a toll on your relationship.

Maybe you've become the perennial caregiver. "Oh, Sharon won't mind. She's use to it. That's all she does". And maybe its become your safe place although you think it's your duty.

Your sister-in-law was not getting enough money from her dad? Was money your motivation. Did SIL give you advanced notice that she was on her way to your house with him and his belongings? How is it she didn't place her dad in a facility?

I can only guess that perhaps you were still reeling from the caregiving and deaths of your parents to think straight.

Did your husband have a say about your FIL moving in? What happened to the application to the residential care you were told about the day your FIL moved in? Did you see the paper work? Did you call the facility?

Ask your in-laws to bring a dish each time they visit or to help out in another way like taking him for a ride to give you a break. Assign them little jobs like following up with research on finding a place for your FIL.

Are your in-laws always inconsiderate? Do you realize no one put a gun to you head? You do know that No is not a curse word. And if you are afraid of not being liked, sweetheart you are not liked already or they would not have done this to you. Maybe you need to communicate better. Post on sheet a list of some things you need help with.

Are you able to have an ADU built on your property for your FIL to move into? If you can, keep your door locked after he moves into it. Visitors will only go there. The Con with that is that he will be your problem. The Pro is that you can rent it out when he's no longer your problem.

Can you walk right into your in-law's homes? I suggest you start doing that regularly with FIL in tow, and right about lunchtime, tee hee.

Walking right in makes my hair stand up but my husband came from rural living background and it was not unheard of for the door to be, (as they'd say), always unlatched. Very country. But that was in-the-day. Maybe your area is still like that.

Of all the craziness you mentioned the only question you have is "Any advice on how I could cope…" Honey babe, you keep busy with things that give even the smallest sense of accomplishment. Create projects and complete them daily. Can you take a course online? Contact businesses that can train you to be an online support agent in order to work from home. Garden. Learn how to can. Go to thrift shops or garage sales for mason jars and learn about safely putting up dry foods. Go to every corner of your home and straighten, clean out and get rid of stuff. Either bring things to auctions or flea markets or donate. It's springtime, plant starter seeds with a little dirt in those little crates that eggs come in and then I think around mother's day transplant the little seedlings to a place you've prepared in your garden. Tend to that pile of papers. While you're at it take photos of important documents. Get that thing that needs repairing repaired. Get a white board, (some are magnetic so you can put it on your fridge), and dry erase markers and each evening make a list of 5 things to do for the next day. Do only as much as you can and keep adding. Clean windows, next day bathroom(s), next day sew, next day clean out the fridg. Watch YouTube how-to videos to learn, learn, learn. Read. Walk, walk, walk. Become interested, and more interesting.

Get busy.

Put a sign on the front door:
Covid Quarantine
Place deliveries on porch.

You need to actually talk to his daughter to find out the reason he was actually evicted without notice. Give her the benefit of the doubt, do not assume.

People use "not knowing anything, not knowing the truth" to get away with whatever they want.

Maybe daughter just couldn't do it on her own without help. TAlk to her and find out what happened. Maybe it would be possible to let him move from house to house for, say, a month at a time so everyone can help with his care.

You didn't really say what your husband thought about this. Maybe he does work a lot, but depending on dad's condition...is he a lot of work? Sounds like you cared for your parents - in your home???? -- so if hubby was agreeable to that, maybe it is time to help hubby out now.

First thing - talk to his daughter to find out what happened. Then make a plan from there.

Regarding FIL's application to facilities:

" I have no idea what happened with that idea but I will certainly be getting my husband to find out and to find out what the long term plan is."

YOU are the long term plan. The in-laws don't talk much, right? So don't expect any discussions about the long term plan to happen anytime soon. As far as they are concerned, the problem has been solved.

Kick those plans to move out in high gear. Good luck in interviews!

Temporary solution:
The in-laws visit by walking into your home. They might use the kitchen and bathrooms. Look at the floor plan of your home. Is there one door that could be locked that leads to the bedrooms and bathrooms? Lock it.

A HOUSE DIVIDED:
Maybe put Fil in the livingroom, his bed, a commode, with a couch for visitors, and a microwave. Add a door that accesses the rest of the house and kitchen. Block access to everywhere. Sounds harsh, extreme, but the message is clear.
And people won't stay, people don't visit if it is u n c o m f o r t a b l e .

Did your parents live with you? If they did that may be the source of your husband's ambivalence and his family's expectations. It seems fair to them. They think you can do this. That may also have been a big stressor on your marriage from his perspective. From what you are saying you need individual as well as couples counseling, in addition to the considerations of FIL's care.

Maybe the OP's husband can rent a trailer or RV to place in the back yard as an in-law temporary residence. Hook it up to the P-trap on your house.

Your FIL can move into ASSISTED LIVING which is not a nursing home, and he doesn't need to have a tremendous 'need' to move into AL, just a need to NOT be living with any of his children, or the in laws, and making a burden of himself to others. Senior independent living is another option if AL is not affordable.

You need to establish boundaries with ALL of these people or continue getting walked on by them. Your FIL 'paying for oil and food' is not paying his way for 1/3 of the living expenses in anyone's home! If he's one of 3 people living in a home, he should be paying 1/3 of the bills; including the mortgage, the food, the heat/ac, the water, EVERYTHING. So to say that what is IS paying for is 'enough' is delusional. Where can a person live for say $200 a month, if that? Nowhere, that's where!

You've allowed your in laws to walk into your home w/o knocking, at their whim, so there were never any boundaries set down with them to begin with! My parents did that to me ONCE. I immediately told them to please NEVER do it again w/o calling first to see if I was in the mood for company, and that put an end to 'unannounced' company or my folks walking into my home willy nilly!

Dropping FIL off at your house is wrong, and you saying you felt 'you had no other choice' is wrong, too. To keep the man for a short time while making other arrangements for him is one thing; to keep him for GOOD b/c you feel you 'have no other choice' is putting YOURSELF out for HIS sake and for others' sakes. You said your marriage was on the rocks before he moved in b/c you're not standing up for what YOU want in life, and now this? You 'desperately wanted to move away from here but now I'm feeling completely overwhelmed & trapped..." NOW is your time to move out b/c things aren't going to get better with all of this, only worse! You now have an old man to take care of that you don't even want living in your home, along with your own health issues, a daughter with her serious health issues, yet you are asking 'how to cope with this situation"? Either get FIL out of your home immediately & placed into an Assisted Living care residence or move out yourself, and on with your own life! It sounds like that's what you've wanted to do for a long time now, so here's your chance. If your own husband isn't conferring with you before he allows his father to move in, that speaks volumes of his lack of respect for this marriage, imo.

Wishing you the best of luck standing up for YOUR own rights now!

If this happened to me at my home, I would drive the "guest" to a motel, the day of arrival, or now. Pay two days, or even a week, and let them know they will need to pay the motel after that, as I left.
Charge it to husband's credit card.

Because my dH would not be involved, nor would he be able to say. He has already allowed a neighbor to walk in on me during a nap, smoking. He opened the door. Therefore, we have strict, very strict rules. His mother has shown up and came in on a mother's day. I welcomed her, served her, and worked hard on my day, as I am a mother too. What if her friend had not picked her up? I have had to plan this out because we are estranged from them.

The husband is always welcome to stay with his father at the motel.

Move away. Announce that you're selling the home and the family has three months to relocate your FIL. Let his 6 kids and grandkids figure it out, you didn't ask for this, they sprung it on you with no notice. Or just move yourself.

Sharon, lock your doors, put a key locking deadbolt on (takes a key to lock & unlock from both sides) get a very nice wood sign with farmhouse style print on it stating “VISITING HOURS BY APPOINTMENT ONLY”. Then YOU call & make arrangements to move your FIL into either Senior Living or Assisted Living. If he doesn’t agree, then tell him that’s perfectly acceptable HE & Your Husband & the other In-Laws will be paying for your 2, or 3 bedroom House/Apartment. If you can’t do it without a Power of Attorney, acquire one online. You said you car is not running, insist your husband get it fixed. How is your FIL fixed for income? Is he on a very low income? Does he rely on Government Assistance? If so, can he only go to certain facilities?

DO NOT let them install the handicap accessible accessories. If your husband isn’t communicating with you at home, even though it might (alright it more than likely will) cause a confrontation show up at his work to discuss the demands. If DH, doesn’t want to discuss, go to an attorney and find out your options, because if DH won’t listen, you need to kick him and ALL HIS RELATIVES to the curb, sell the place and move on. You do have a right to a life.

You sound overwhelmed. Talk with your husband about helping your father find another living arrangement that works better for your situation.

Since the other family members are "coming over unannounced," one idea is to create an "apartment" for your father-in-law that includes a separate bathroom, entrance, and bedroom/sitting room area that is separate from the rest of the home area your children, husband and yourself occupy. If this isn't feasible, tell hubby and his family that father-in-law needs his own small home to live in with everybody else checking in on him daily. It may be as simple as him moving into a senior community, assisted living, or an in-law suite (tiny mobile or manufactured home) on the property.

I would also suggest a family conference to discuss how each family member will help father-in-law. Who cares for his home? Who takes care of meals? Who takes care of transportation to doctor appointments and hospital? Who helps with finances? and the like. Only offer the types of help you feel you have time and ability/energy to complete on a regular basis.

Sharon, you wrote: "She [the daughter he lived with prior to coming to your house] has been saying he needs to be in a nursing home but he is mobile, slow and uses a stick but can get around himself and potters in the kitchen for his own needs so I don't see him as somebody who is that bad that needs to be in full time care."

His own daughter believes he should be in a nursing home so she needs to tell the rest of the family that. You are not a nursing home. Altering your home to fit his needs is unnecessary. Perhaps they (your inlaws) are trying to preserve their inheritance by not putting him in a nursing home? There are nice facilities out there that step up from Assisted Living to nursing home. You should see what is available in your area. Or is it possible to find him a small apartment nearby (I know, you are in a rural area, so that might not be realistic) and have the inlaws take shifts so he is never alone?

One fall in your house and he will be back in the hospital. At that point, you can tell the hospital that you don't feel you can adequately care for him and it will be their job to find a place for him -- maybe an inlaw will step up then.  Sounds like there is enough land that they could even consider a "granny pod" in one of their backyards.

This whole thing is a cluster! I know everyone is saying that his daughter said it was all about money, but just hearing all of this, is there any possibility that you aren't getting the entire story? Is it possible she hit her wall as a caregiver and said "no more" and decided it was someone else's turn? There are absolutely much better ways to do it certainly. But is it possible there are other things going on in her life and she needed a break and no one was readily giving her one so she took matters into her own hands?
No excuse for the handling certainly. But now she has made it your issue to deal with unfortunately. And it doesn't sound like you are getting any help either. It sounds more like everyone including your FIL have decided he is going to plant roots where he landed. Maybe that's why she transferred him out of her home?
In your case, it's time for a "come to Jesus" with your husband. It doesn't sound like he has even talked about next steps. You keep saying that he doesn't need much help but for how long? Maybe she was noticing that his needs were changing already. Your husband needs to take this seriously. You already have your hands full. This is a lot to consider.
Its time for a sit down with your husband and then he needs to sit down with his family and tell them what you guys are and are not willing to do for your FIL.
Assisted Living with a transition option is probably best at this point because he isn't going to need *less* care than he needs now but he will need more.
You mention that he is paying for his food, and the heating oil. How is he being transported to and from doctors appointments, who is monitoring and administering his medications? Is he still able to see to his own ADLs (activities of daily living like bathing, cooking, toilet, etc)
You say the family is coming in and out constantly. What are they actually DOING?

Sharon,
The old man has a house that could be sold to put him in an apartment or a al that will eventually take Medicaid. You don’t have to be tied to this project just to save their inheritance.

The FIL sounds a bit narc. Like crying at your doorstep, oh please. Do not feel sorry for him, do not modify your house for him, don’t allow your in-laws hospitality. If they bring home a puppy to cheer him up, the dog goes back to the shelter that day. And so forth.

Make it so he gets only the bare minimum so that he will leave.

@Sharon, you sound overwhelmed & utterly helpless…but you are not actually helpless!

Take this all one step at a time:

1. a. Do not drink any more alcohol, period. Your 13 year old might have another health emergency, and if you aren’t 100% sober I fear you may be unable to identify when she needs help: catastrophe could result
1. b. Your car is, or was, not working. You are in a rural location so having a working car is essential. Can emergency services get to your house quickly? If not, consider what if you need to rush your daughter to the hospital? If your car doesn’t work, you can’t. If you are drunk, you can’t.
Don’t drink, and get car fixed. Charge FIL enough rent, for now, to get car fixed

2. Your children must be your #1 priority. You are priority #2: it’s not selfish for you to henceforth place yourself as second in priority rather than dead last, behind everyone else. If you aren’t in full strong physical and mental health, everyone will ultimately suffer

3. a. Husband obviously is putting himself as #1 priority, and you are wrongly letting him. Your replies to other posters keep giving him excuses for why he isn’t helping you with this muddled situation, including that he is working on deadlines, too busy to help you fix non-working vehicle, FIL being allowed to rule your roost when he simply showed up and moved in and is now instructing you to put safety bars in your bathroom, instructing you to leave front door unlocked so everyone can simply waltz in, etc…
3. b. Why are you allowing your husband to do absolutely nothing to help you, when you say you keep telling him about your unhappiness and how this situation can’t continue? Then you let it continue, and you (wrongly) think you have no say in the matter. This is your home with your children. Don’t fool yourself into thinking your kids are unaware of the tensions. You must fix all this so you don’t screw up your children’s lives
3. c. If your marriage is unfixable, and it sounds to me like it might be, since I didn’t read anywhere that you cherish your husband and marriage and are fighting to save the marriage: consult a lawyer
4. a. When you find out that you do indeed have options, you might feel better and gain the strength to get FIL out of your house, and to work on your marriage, or to part ways with husband
4. b. Why not put FIL back into his own house, and use his money to pay for some in-home assistance? Or sell the house & use money for retirement home

5. a. You keep talking about other people not doing what you want, example, you vaguely heard that someone was applying for your FIL to live in some “residential care” but you didn’t pin anyone down about if applications have actually been sent out. Starting today, stand firm, get answers, tell all of your selfish in-laws there are new rules, and new deadlines. What are they going to do? Either comply, or what? Who cares? Lay down the law.
5 b. If no-one has successfully applied for FIL to move to a new residential care place, YOU hire an elder-specialist of some sort with your father-in-law’s funds since he will be the main beneficiary of the advice.
5. c. The specialist can determine if FIL should be in assisted living, memory care, a small group home, can live alone with a few daily hours of help in his own home, or whatever
5. d. The care specialist can help you apply for FIL’s placement in the right situation

6. Here is an easy fix: lay down the law about people wandering in and out of your house at will.
- As two other posters so wisely wrote, lock your doors and make clear no one is to come over without first being invited. You have a daughter in fragile health, and you don’t need all these people tramping through.
- Yes, the food-delivery person can leave the food at the locked front door in a cold-or-hot cooler
- if FIL wants all this company & keeps opening the door to all in-laws, he either needs to be back in his own house, or in a retirement home. Move him out.

If his own daughter will not be his caregiver, then why would you have to?
Has your husband asked you to?

There are people who see and exploit situations when there is trouble in the marriage, when it seems no one is in control. And when there are power struggles. (In-laws).

You have not said, but does your husband come home every night?
Is the trouble in your marriage because he is having an affair? Please do not answer this. I would like to see you get strong enough to fight for at least your home, the place where you now live with your children. And if husband leaves you, your fil will not be there.

Get some moving help and move Fil back to his own home in the next day or two. If your husband is the problem, move his stuff temporarily into Fil's home.
Do not move yourself and children at this time, but see an attorney to obtain emergency support.

Let us know what decision you make, if you feel okay doing that. If you feel you have support here. No need to overshare. Just take care of business, and do it now, like you mean it. Make sure that you can secure enough money to pay the rent/mortgage for a few months if you do not have your own income.

30 Answers in 3 days.....how are you coping now?
The weekend is past, was your husband home to talk to?