How do I cope with the unexpected arrival of my 90-year-old father-in-law?

Don't answer the door when the doorbell rings.

first ..hmm coincidental that sil brought dad to your home after she knew your parents who you had cared for had passed and you were unemployed ..I think not.
next ..do you actually have room for your fil without sacrificing room for your own family? When I was young my grandmother moved in with us , rather than several aunts and uncles who had grown children no longer in their homes . Supposedly she could help with us, but we def did NOT need her. We had a three bedroom ranch and six kids ..so four in one bedroom , my older bro slept on a sofa in finished basement area and my younger bro in a rollaway in my parents room..she had her own room. She was also abusive and constantly yelled at us kids and was derogatory towards our mom. It doesn’t sound like this is the case with your fil.
it sounds like he is self are except for getting some meals delivered. Does he require any actual caregiving , even just transportation for appts? Does he belong to any groups ?
for Your children if it is negatively affecting their lives ..such as having friends over , it is important . Also something to consider if you plan to leave husband or to move away..would your children be okay with that ? I’m not saying their needs are more important but it does need to be considered.
perhaps the largest issue is that he is in main living area of home all day , plus wit all the visitors you are not getting privacy . Make firm rules. One thing ..don’t leave door unlocked ..doesn’t make sense that he can’t stay at his own home due to worry about breakin but can leave your door open for anyone to enter. If your home is big enough you could establish a separate area for him and his visitors or one for yourself ..whichever is best. Also if he does need transport he should be paying costs and extra for time ..your older kids might earn money this way.
are there Senior centers with activities ?.or have in-laws take him to their places instead ..I’d hate to think he would be deprived of socialization . My area is rural but except for Covid there are senior places to go ..plus your could check for churches worh breakfasts or bingo etc. if he is still with it enough he might be able to do volunteer work still.
wondering also..did fil give daughter that land due to an agreement that she was keeping him ..cuz then this should be changed if it has not gone through at least..or his will changed in that regard.
you don’t need to keep him but if you decide to do so..which might be best for him , and only of not disrupting your own family. Also consider that perhaps once you habe this taken care of , perhaps your and husband could have counseling and work out your issues.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6B0tAn0nrJY&feature=youtu.be

Sharonb098: You should establish boundaries. The in laws cannot nor should not be allowed to just walk right into your residence. Just because your FIL's daughter instructed him to leave does not place the responsibility on you. Seek an elder law attorney if need be.

Tell your husband to take control of his father situation. It’s not your problem and don’t deal with it. Your husband can find his dad a place to live and handle all the siblings. Stay out of it.

you say you were planning on moving away, is this with out without your husband? I mean if you were planning on moving without him..do it. They can sort the mess. If not, stand your ground, lock doors as others have mentioned. If they kick up a fuss so be it, maybe then your husband will take notice on what is going on. Things will come to a head one way or another.

@Sharon - as I'm reading through the update you provided in your response to Sendhelp - as gently as I can say this - it feels like your DH threw you under the bus to the family a little bit. You say he sent them all a message explaining why it's not going to work - and then everything after that was why it wouldn't work for you.

Is he onboard with taking over the care of his father and expected you to be the caregiver and just didn't talk to you about it? Or did he just maybe not share his thoughts very eloquently in talking to his family and not mean to make it seem like it's your fault that your family can't take care of his father? Because every bit of that sounds like "Hey *I'd* be more than happy to take care of dad but *Sharon* is not happy you sprung this on her and is not happy about the lack of privacy now". And we all know it would be you taking care of his father, so it wouldn't be that much of a change for him if you were to take care of his father.

So, while its good that things have moved forward, I would watch things very carefully and continue on the path you have started to look for the job and take care of yourself. I feel like this was a good step forward but I would beware of obstacles that may be in the way from 'flying monkeys' intent on his father staying in your home. Even from him. Crossing my fingers for you that they have this meeting and it swings in your favor.

I really hope this doesn't sound harsh, I certainly don't mean to. I just read your response and all I could hear was him saying how things weren't working for you, I didn't hear anything about how they weren't working for him or the kids.

do you get along with your father in law - that's the first question? maybe you could tell him it's temporary, bc you did say he was looking into facilities. if you don't see any change in living arrangements, then you will have to speak to your husband and tell him that you will be leaving. you did say you wanted to move away, you also said your marriage was in trouble before all this. you are not being mean, but i year you. enuf is enuf - you will have burnout and everyone else will be around for years! it depends on how much you really want to leave the marriage, then your husband would have to make choices - not you!

Sharon, you say FIL has house sitting vacant between you and the SIL who brought him to your doorstep. Hire a sleep attendant/caregiver who can spend the night with him. Sometimes one of the aides at local NH or hospital are interested in this kind of arrangement. Or as you suggest, rotating family schedule. Have the lights on a timer or leave a lamp or two on at night, and put in Lots of night lights. Leave the radio on a nice calming station 24/7. Have a big security light installed outside the house and leave it on. He has a phone and he knows how to work it. Sometimes a landline is best. Keep it simple. Call him often and on a schedule. AM and PM. Would he do well with a small pet, like a cat or dog? If you and SIL can see his house from yours, doesn't that offer him some peace of mind? Can you leave a light on at your house that he can see? You can put in the cameras as many have suggested but sometimes the real issue is he needs some companionship. All of these people, family and others who are traipsing through your house can traipse through his. Visitors can Bring him groceries, take him grocery shopping, bring him a meal, or meals delivered to door as it was at SIL, take him out of eat once in a while, take him with to go pick up his meds, or have meds home home delivery, home health care PT, care aide for assistance with bathing and housekeeping 2-3 times per week, pick up his laundry/drop the clean laundry off, the fact that he is close by makes that easier but he is not in your home 24/7, family (grandkid or son or SIL) takes care of his yard on a schedule so that is taken care of. That plus family drop ins can make for a nice schedule of visitors and "company." Is it ideal, no. Does it cover every minute of the day, no. But it sounds better than a NH unless he absolutely needs one. I have some experience with the rural set up and challenges.

First tell all family they will call first, and you will decide if and when they can visit. I'd limit them to 2 days a week 1 hr. It is too taxing after that. If they overstay deliberately call the police. Next lock your door!!!!! Stop letting them come and go at random. IT IS YOUR HOUSE. PERIOD! If they still show up uninvited, door stays locked. I wouldn't look out the window, or answer the door, nor answer the phone, or texts. Dont care if the phone rang off the hook. They will get the message. If they have keys, get locks changed.
If you cave on this 1 thing, you have lost everything.
My sister demand to be let into my house after I told her to leave after >2 months. She left, then 1030 at night demanded to be let in. She called the cops. She had to learn the hard way. Stand your ground. Cops can't demand you let anyone in your house, they can remove them tho. Narcs will take it that far. Far more to that story, but you must take a stand or you will be forever everyone's door mat.

2nd why is your husband totally out of the picture on this? He is complicit. Is he hiding by working long hours? Did he tell family ok bring him over? Thinking he would saddle you with this? Who drove him over? After all your an expert at caregiving, and not working. Lots of free time. Did he think he would give you something to do, and save the family $$? You need to set that straight. Pronto. And for those that think how awful you won't help family. This situation was dumped in her lap. She was never asked. Therefore they didn't ever consider her feelings, or her life. Narcs do that. Interesting how the FIL knew exactly which relative's house to go to. I think he was told to show up there. But that's me. I've been around too many narcs. Your feelings/life don't matter. And until you stand up for yourself, no one will. Not even your husband. It also showing children, this is how you treat females. Not a good role model.

Nothing wrong with helping FIL. But family never considered your feelings. They never gave you the opportunity to say I'm willing to do this or that. There is a difference.

3rd you are now charging POA for his caregiving, and living situation. Do not give them a cut in price. 25 an hour x 24 a day. Because they will look at that as a better cheaper option than assisted living. Don't cave on that or you will be 24/7 caregiver. What happens if they say they ran out of money?

Do not waffle on that. You want to make it uncomfortable for the family. You must log everything. How much water, electric, food etc went up. So if you have to take them to small claims court you have it documented. Even if you would never do that, tell them that anyway. It is to scare them into get him to assisted living. You made it so easy and comfortable for them as it is.

Find out who POA is and tell them he's got 2 months to find a place or he will be driven to next of kin's house in an uber. You want to be kept abreast of how things are going on that front. They can update you every 3 days. If they don't, they get a phone call at 8am asking where is he going to live. And a countdown of days. Do this without fail. I'd start filling out info online, and have it sent to their house.

I notice on here the people that don't stand up for themselves are always the ones getting the elderly person deposited with them. So you have got to get a backbone. No one will do it for you. You were told it is temporary, and it will be temporary. They will do their best to intimidate, befriend, ignore, or whatever it takes, to keep him there. It is very convenient for them. They don't care if it turned your life upside down.

Funny, they all came out of the woodwork to visit, after he was safety deposited in your home. Where were they before that???

Sounds like this was planned. And saving $ on his care. They have a built in FREEEEEEE caregiver. YOU.
You need to give a deadline and stick to it. Go visit daughter.

How long ago did your parents pass? You mentioned that the situation is bringing back those feelings. Is there a counselor that you can talk to? If you can sort through the grief, then the trapped feelings associated with FIL and rural living, perhaps your outlook on marriage will change. Through my own chaos I've learned that not everything is as it first appears, perspective changes a lot, and I can only change me. I hope that teasing through your life with a trained counselor helps you find your joy.

Today! Set out on search for assisted living facilities in your area. Just go by yourself, in person. Bring back literature and give it to father-in-law. Tell him he has 30 days left at your house, and you are helping him find the right place. Tomorrow. Do the same thing. Tell him he has 29 days...

Wow! I feel like there are 2 victims here, you and your father in law. I cannot imagine being 90 years old, and thrown out of your living situation! This is nothing short of cruel. There is definitely no excuse to do this to a human being, even if he was being a pain in the rump.
Your sis in law has every right to want to move him somewhere else, but to dump him is inexcusable. All I can say is karma is a b****.

As for your situation, allowing this man to live with you is very, very kind of you. God bless your loving heart! This does not allow a carte blanc free for all for his family to visit any time, any day. You deserve to continue with your life as close to normal as possible while having someone else live in your home. The time has come to set boundaries.

There needs to be a clearly defined visitation schedule that fits YOUR schedule. Figure it out, and inform the family. If it does not work for them, they can take over his care. Please do not allow yourself to forget that you are in charge.

You mentioned that your FIL was applying to move to assisted living. Why don't you help him with the research and also take him to visit the places. Get connected with a local social worker and caregiving groups that might also be able to advise him on his options. Hopefully your husband and his father will go along with this.

What has happened to your FIL's application for a care facilitu? Rather than hiding in your room, from the chaos and inyrusion of your FIL's sudden arrival, get involved in helping him choose a residential facility to help speed things up.

Since he is your father-in-law and you're not happy with your marriage, if I were you, I would move away, maybe closer to your children. If you're not around, your husband would have to change his lifestyle to take care of his own father. It sounds to me even if he did get into AL, you would still not be happy there. I don't know how old you are, but I know change is hard and scary. I hope it all works out for the best for all of you.

hopefully you will get him into assisted-living quickly, but make sure you get him in a facility that also has skilled nursing for when that day arrives. If he runs out of money, you need to make sure you're in a facility that will then continue to care for him under Medicaid. Some facilities will just boot him out when he can't pay anymore and they don't accept Medicaid. Do your research and get advice from one of the state run programs Some facilities will just boot him out when he can't pay anymore and they don't accept Medicaid. Do your research and get advice from one of the state run programs For elder care

I don’t know how you gather strength, but if your marriage is rocky: the last thing your husband should do is bring in his father & then dump it all on you. You should not tolerate this. The old gentleman needs care & love, I understand. But this is his father, not yours, & he should either help or pay for some professional help! His family might step in also?? Put your foot down: realize what you can do & let the entire family know this is what you can manage, period! It’s hard to be strong about who does what for needy family members - but don’t learn the hard way that one person cannot do it all!

30 Answers in 3 days.....how are you coping now?
The weekend is past, was your husband home to talk to?

If his own daughter will not be his caregiver, then why would you have to?
Has your husband asked you to?

There are people who see and exploit situations when there is trouble in the marriage, when it seems no one is in control. And when there are power struggles. (In-laws).

You have not said, but does your husband come home every night?
Is the trouble in your marriage because he is having an affair? Please do not answer this. I would like to see you get strong enough to fight for at least your home, the place where you now live with your children. And if husband leaves you, your fil will not be there.

Get some moving help and move Fil back to his own home in the next day or two. If your husband is the problem, move his stuff temporarily into Fil's home.
Do not move yourself and children at this time, but see an attorney to obtain emergency support.

Let us know what decision you make, if you feel okay doing that. If you feel you have support here. No need to overshare. Just take care of business, and do it now, like you mean it. Make sure that you can secure enough money to pay the rent/mortgage for a few months if you do not have your own income.

@Sharon, you sound overwhelmed & utterly helpless…but you are not actually helpless!

Take this all one step at a time:

1. a. Do not drink any more alcohol, period. Your 13 year old might have another health emergency, and if you aren’t 100% sober I fear you may be unable to identify when she needs help: catastrophe could result
1. b. Your car is, or was, not working. You are in a rural location so having a working car is essential. Can emergency services get to your house quickly? If not, consider what if you need to rush your daughter to the hospital? If your car doesn’t work, you can’t. If you are drunk, you can’t.
Don’t drink, and get car fixed. Charge FIL enough rent, for now, to get car fixed

2. Your children must be your #1 priority. You are priority #2: it’s not selfish for you to henceforth place yourself as second in priority rather than dead last, behind everyone else. If you aren’t in full strong physical and mental health, everyone will ultimately suffer

3. a. Husband obviously is putting himself as #1 priority, and you are wrongly letting him. Your replies to other posters keep giving him excuses for why he isn’t helping you with this muddled situation, including that he is working on deadlines, too busy to help you fix non-working vehicle, FIL being allowed to rule your roost when he simply showed up and moved in and is now instructing you to put safety bars in your bathroom, instructing you to leave front door unlocked so everyone can simply waltz in, etc…
3. b. Why are you allowing your husband to do absolutely nothing to help you, when you say you keep telling him about your unhappiness and how this situation can’t continue? Then you let it continue, and you (wrongly) think you have no say in the matter. This is your home with your children. Don’t fool yourself into thinking your kids are unaware of the tensions. You must fix all this so you don’t screw up your children’s lives
3. c. If your marriage is unfixable, and it sounds to me like it might be, since I didn’t read anywhere that you cherish your husband and marriage and are fighting to save the marriage: consult a lawyer
4. a. When you find out that you do indeed have options, you might feel better and gain the strength to get FIL out of your house, and to work on your marriage, or to part ways with husband
4. b. Why not put FIL back into his own house, and use his money to pay for some in-home assistance? Or sell the house & use money for retirement home

5. a. You keep talking about other people not doing what you want, example, you vaguely heard that someone was applying for your FIL to live in some “residential care” but you didn’t pin anyone down about if applications have actually been sent out. Starting today, stand firm, get answers, tell all of your selfish in-laws there are new rules, and new deadlines. What are they going to do? Either comply, or what? Who cares? Lay down the law.
5 b. If no-one has successfully applied for FIL to move to a new residential care place, YOU hire an elder-specialist of some sort with your father-in-law’s funds since he will be the main beneficiary of the advice.
5. c. The specialist can determine if FIL should be in assisted living, memory care, a small group home, can live alone with a few daily hours of help in his own home, or whatever
5. d. The care specialist can help you apply for FIL’s placement in the right situation

6. Here is an easy fix: lay down the law about people wandering in and out of your house at will.
- As two other posters so wisely wrote, lock your doors and make clear no one is to come over without first being invited. You have a daughter in fragile health, and you don’t need all these people tramping through.
- Yes, the food-delivery person can leave the food at the locked front door in a cold-or-hot cooler
- if FIL wants all this company & keeps opening the door to all in-laws, he either needs to be back in his own house, or in a retirement home. Move him out.

Sharon,
The old man has a house that could be sold to put him in an apartment or a al that will eventually take Medicaid. You don’t have to be tied to this project just to save their inheritance.

The FIL sounds a bit narc. Like crying at your doorstep, oh please. Do not feel sorry for him, do not modify your house for him, don’t allow your in-laws hospitality. If they bring home a puppy to cheer him up, the dog goes back to the shelter that day. And so forth.

Make it so he gets only the bare minimum so that he will leave.

This whole thing is a cluster! I know everyone is saying that his daughter said it was all about money, but just hearing all of this, is there any possibility that you aren't getting the entire story? Is it possible she hit her wall as a caregiver and said "no more" and decided it was someone else's turn? There are absolutely much better ways to do it certainly. But is it possible there are other things going on in her life and she needed a break and no one was readily giving her one so she took matters into her own hands?
No excuse for the handling certainly. But now she has made it your issue to deal with unfortunately. And it doesn't sound like you are getting any help either. It sounds more like everyone including your FIL have decided he is going to plant roots where he landed. Maybe that's why she transferred him out of her home?
In your case, it's time for a "come to Jesus" with your husband. It doesn't sound like he has even talked about next steps. You keep saying that he doesn't need much help but for how long? Maybe she was noticing that his needs were changing already. Your husband needs to take this seriously. You already have your hands full. This is a lot to consider.
Its time for a sit down with your husband and then he needs to sit down with his family and tell them what you guys are and are not willing to do for your FIL.
Assisted Living with a transition option is probably best at this point because he isn't going to need *less* care than he needs now but he will need more.
You mention that he is paying for his food, and the heating oil. How is he being transported to and from doctors appointments, who is monitoring and administering his medications? Is he still able to see to his own ADLs (activities of daily living like bathing, cooking, toilet, etc)
You say the family is coming in and out constantly. What are they actually DOING?

Sharon, you wrote: "She [the daughter he lived with prior to coming to your house] has been saying he needs to be in a nursing home but he is mobile, slow and uses a stick but can get around himself and potters in the kitchen for his own needs so I don't see him as somebody who is that bad that needs to be in full time care."

His own daughter believes he should be in a nursing home so she needs to tell the rest of the family that. You are not a nursing home. Altering your home to fit his needs is unnecessary. Perhaps they (your inlaws) are trying to preserve their inheritance by not putting him in a nursing home? There are nice facilities out there that step up from Assisted Living to nursing home. You should see what is available in your area. Or is it possible to find him a small apartment nearby (I know, you are in a rural area, so that might not be realistic) and have the inlaws take shifts so he is never alone?

One fall in your house and he will be back in the hospital. At that point, you can tell the hospital that you don't feel you can adequately care for him and it will be their job to find a place for him -- maybe an inlaw will step up then.  Sounds like there is enough land that they could even consider a "granny pod" in one of their backyards.

You sound overwhelmed. Talk with your husband about helping your father find another living arrangement that works better for your situation.

Since the other family members are "coming over unannounced," one idea is to create an "apartment" for your father-in-law that includes a separate bathroom, entrance, and bedroom/sitting room area that is separate from the rest of the home area your children, husband and yourself occupy. If this isn't feasible, tell hubby and his family that father-in-law needs his own small home to live in with everybody else checking in on him daily. It may be as simple as him moving into a senior community, assisted living, or an in-law suite (tiny mobile or manufactured home) on the property.

I would also suggest a family conference to discuss how each family member will help father-in-law. Who cares for his home? Who takes care of meals? Who takes care of transportation to doctor appointments and hospital? Who helps with finances? and the like. Only offer the types of help you feel you have time and ability/energy to complete on a regular basis.

Sharon, lock your doors, put a key locking deadbolt on (takes a key to lock & unlock from both sides) get a very nice wood sign with farmhouse style print on it stating “VISITING HOURS BY APPOINTMENT ONLY”. Then YOU call & make arrangements to move your FIL into either Senior Living or Assisted Living. If he doesn’t agree, then tell him that’s perfectly acceptable HE & Your Husband & the other In-Laws will be paying for your 2, or 3 bedroom House/Apartment. If you can’t do it without a Power of Attorney, acquire one online. You said you car is not running, insist your husband get it fixed. How is your FIL fixed for income? Is he on a very low income? Does he rely on Government Assistance? If so, can he only go to certain facilities?

DO NOT let them install the handicap accessible accessories. If your husband isn’t communicating with you at home, even though it might (alright it more than likely will) cause a confrontation show up at his work to discuss the demands. If DH, doesn’t want to discuss, go to an attorney and find out your options, because if DH won’t listen, you need to kick him and ALL HIS RELATIVES to the curb, sell the place and move on. You do have a right to a life.

Move away. Announce that you're selling the home and the family has three months to relocate your FIL. Let his 6 kids and grandkids figure it out, you didn't ask for this, they sprung it on you with no notice. Or just move yourself.

If this happened to me at my home, I would drive the "guest" to a motel, the day of arrival, or now. Pay two days, or even a week, and let them know they will need to pay the motel after that, as I left.
Charge it to husband's credit card.

Because my dH would not be involved, nor would he be able to say. He has already allowed a neighbor to walk in on me during a nap, smoking. He opened the door. Therefore, we have strict, very strict rules. His mother has shown up and came in on a mother's day. I welcomed her, served her, and worked hard on my day, as I am a mother too. What if her friend had not picked her up? I have had to plan this out because we are estranged from them.

The husband is always welcome to stay with his father at the motel.

Your FIL can move into ASSISTED LIVING which is not a nursing home, and he doesn't need to have a tremendous 'need' to move into AL, just a need to NOT be living with any of his children, or the in laws, and making a burden of himself to others. Senior independent living is another option if AL is not affordable.

You need to establish boundaries with ALL of these people or continue getting walked on by them. Your FIL 'paying for oil and food' is not paying his way for 1/3 of the living expenses in anyone's home! If he's one of 3 people living in a home, he should be paying 1/3 of the bills; including the mortgage, the food, the heat/ac, the water, EVERYTHING. So to say that what is IS paying for is 'enough' is delusional. Where can a person live for say $200 a month, if that? Nowhere, that's where!

You've allowed your in laws to walk into your home w/o knocking, at their whim, so there were never any boundaries set down with them to begin with! My parents did that to me ONCE. I immediately told them to please NEVER do it again w/o calling first to see if I was in the mood for company, and that put an end to 'unannounced' company or my folks walking into my home willy nilly!

Dropping FIL off at your house is wrong, and you saying you felt 'you had no other choice' is wrong, too. To keep the man for a short time while making other arrangements for him is one thing; to keep him for GOOD b/c you feel you 'have no other choice' is putting YOURSELF out for HIS sake and for others' sakes. You said your marriage was on the rocks before he moved in b/c you're not standing up for what YOU want in life, and now this? You 'desperately wanted to move away from here but now I'm feeling completely overwhelmed & trapped..." NOW is your time to move out b/c things aren't going to get better with all of this, only worse! You now have an old man to take care of that you don't even want living in your home, along with your own health issues, a daughter with her serious health issues, yet you are asking 'how to cope with this situation"? Either get FIL out of your home immediately & placed into an Assisted Living care residence or move out yourself, and on with your own life! It sounds like that's what you've wanted to do for a long time now, so here's your chance. If your own husband isn't conferring with you before he allows his father to move in, that speaks volumes of his lack of respect for this marriage, imo.

Wishing you the best of luck standing up for YOUR own rights now!

Maybe the OP's husband can rent a trailer or RV to place in the back yard as an in-law temporary residence. Hook it up to the P-trap on your house.