I have been living in the U.S. for the last twenty years. I have my own business, partner of 20 years, home, cats and my life is here. My mother lives in Scotland and my sister lives a block away from her. My sister has been my mothers care giver for the last 15+ years but greatly resents it. My mother has always used guilt tactics to make me or my sister feel guilty about not spending enough time with her. Now my sister is doing the same to me by harassing me to come over there and spend two months helping her with my mother who is “at the end of her life” as my sister puts it. My mom has a lot of heath issues and should really have social work step in and determine the best health care for her. My sister tells me “if you don’t come over for two months and spend time with your mom and she dies you will regret it and I’ll never speak to you again”. I’ve told her I will come over for two weeks but not two months as I have responsibilities here in the U.S, my life, my partner, my business, bills etc. Then my sister says “You’re choosing your partner over your mother and that’s sick”. I’m getting sick over the stress of this, constant manipulation and on top of that I’m questioning myself now! Am I a bad daughter, sister? Should I give up my life here for two months and go there. I’ve told my sister that my mom needs more than that, she needs professional help. To make it worse, I am bringing my partner with me for the two weeks. My mom doesn’t want my partner there, she just wants me. So I feel torn apart at all levels. Please advise, I’m at my wits end!
I have no idea how the UK Healthcare system works. What your sister is looking for is called respite care here in the States.
Would hospice be appropriate? Are your mom's health problems being actively investigated and treated?
Your sister seems to be sending several messages:
1. She needs a break
2. Mom wants to see you.
3. There has been a decline in mom's health that is worrying her.
See if you can sort these all out and address them each.
I honestly believed that beggars can't be choosers, my caregiving journey and this forum has proven how misguided I was. People that are beggars seem to be the most entitled, selfish bunch I have ever seen.
People that really love us, do not ever put us in these positions. I can see why you moved so far away.
If you cave to these threats and bullying, it will never end.
Personally, I would get social services involved, because something seems very off with your sisters behavior.
Your mom is doing what's called triangulation. That's why your sister is mad at you. Mom only wants family and sissy is it by reason of proximity and choice.
You should encourage your sister to step away if she really can't cope anymore. Make it very clear that you aren't any type of solution but, you will support her decision and back her when mom uses her tactics to press the guilt.
My mom is a hoarder and doesn't want anyone to see her mess, meaning no acceptance of help desperately needed. I have done the big clean up, only to find the hoard gets worse with each clean up. I will never clean for her again, period.
I have found that social workers don't care about housekeeping unless it is truly unsafe. I think they are unjudgemental and looking for what help can be provided. Maybe, having someone call mom and explain that they have seen it all and only want to help her stay in her home would get her to agree to at least talk with them.
I want to encourage you to not own this situation. You are not stuck. You can intervene and devastate mom or you can wait for the crisis that creates change, you have choices. I wouldn't go visiting based on sisters vitriol and I wouldn't listen to her anymore. Stay in touch with mom and go visit when and for how long it works for you and your life. Lots of people don't see their loved ones on their deathbed, it is NOT a cause for guilt. Love them both the best you can and know that their choices have consequences that are ALL theirs.
Having and enforcing boundaries is a wonderful thing, remember that when they try to send you on a guilt trip.
Go there an help her out for a month or so. You can have your bills directed there or pay them online (the interweb is a worldwide phenomena). I can't address your relationship, but if a partner can't deal with a two-month absence during a family emergency, then I wouldn't think too much of them. As for calling your sister irresponsible for not being able to hold a job because of absences, seems she is being very responsible in even offering cursory care for your mom.
If you just don't want to be bothered by the inconvenience of caregiving, just own up to it.
1. You spending time with your Mom.
2. Your sister needing a break.
I suspect your sister has morphed them together, but I see them as separate.
1. Ask your sister to set up some video calls with your Mom.
Of course it not the same as a real visit, a real hug but it IS contact. If your Mom can talk this way, see your face, it could bring a lot to both of you.
The added bonus is if the end does come a little earlier than expected, you can send a video message so quickly.
If you get a wall of refusal.. question this. Why would your sister want to restrict your contact with Mom? Isn't she saying she wants you to have more??
Your sister is telling you to come. OK. She is there & sees the daily changes. But insisting on 2 months 🤔.
That gets my suspicions up.
Is she planning to escape once your feet hit the ground. Pull the old *your turn!* & run?
2. Yes your sister probably needs a break. But like so many who write in, she may have her expectations wrong. Sisters or siblings do NOT need to provide equal care. Those that volunteer to be caregiver, have to take responsibility for THEIR choice. Instead of blaming others for not 'saving' them, they need to save themself. If they need more help - arrange more help. If they need to step back or even quit entirely - they they do so.
I would try some directness with your sister.
Good clear communication.
- Does she need a break?
- Is she wanting you to take over for 2 months?
Be clear back.
Explain you live overseas & cannot be that help she needs. Advice her to find alternatives. To find services to help. (Mother's funds should pay for these).
I would also try (if this is possible) to get updated medical information direct from Mom's main Doctor.
I know of someone who was told their Mother had had a terrible accident, was gravely injured, come now. They flew across the world to find their Mother had missed a step boarding a bus & sustained a bad bruise. (I think the handbag was damaged more).
The culprit behind the call was panicked & overwhelmed. Also deluded as to what family living overseas could & would do towards daily tasks, aging support & future ADLS.
Stay at a hotel to have some place to decompress at the end of the day.
Then you and your partner can go over and help get things implemented.
Unfortunately, your sister is like your mom. You have to let her threats go, they are intended to use F.O.G. (fear, obligation, guilt) to manipulate you. You can tell her you are not listening to her nonsense and hang up.
It is okay to say no. Your mom and sister can accept help or not, that doesn't make you responsible to forsake your life to allow them to do whatever they want.
Your sister might be burned out but, that doesn't justify verbally attacking you. She needs to encourage mom to accept every bit of help available or stop dumping on you. She doesn't have to prop mom charade of independence up, she chooses too.
Remember, they both think they have the right to say no, this applies to you too. If needed, remind them of that fact.
Instead of guilt try to change to the other word, grief. Grief that the end of life is coming, grief that your sister feels alone and helpless, grief that her fear and worry is manifesting in what she learned at her Mom's knee--trying to instill guilt in others to get her way. Grief that not everything can be fixed. Grief that end of life is so difficult with so many losses and so much helplessness.
You can't make this right. You will ALWAYS have tough feelings to face down from this. When my Mom was in her last days her constant falls, bladder infections, difficulties meant that she had to move into ALF in her last --as it turned out--WEEKS only. My brother and I both went and we stayed with her, helped her move from her studio in the same "village" to the ALF. She hated this move, and she was so self sufficient prior to the end. Though my Aunt was already at the ALF and it was a lovely place, my Mom, asking me for one of the few things she ever asked from me, looked at me and said "Is there no way I can stay in my own little home here" and I, working and with family, not yet retired, and half the country away had to say "Oh.....Mom.......I am so sorry. It just isn't safe anymore". Here was I thinking she had months left, but she had only weeks. Had I known that I could/would have stayed home with her. I have such terrible memories of that time, such inner pain. But I recognize it as PAIN and GRIEF. My brother and I were doing the best we could, all we could think to do, and my Mom knew that and accepted it. That makes it a bit easier.
Life is full of heartbreak. Happily most of us pull joy out of it, as well. I am so sorry for this dilemma and it is so sad you have a sister in this much distress. Try to recognize it as that and let her know you do. Tell her you are sorry she is saddled with the larger part of all of this. DO visit for the two weeks and when her distress and fear manifests as anger just respond gently telling her you are sorry, and recognize that she feels alone and abandoned, but you aren't a Saint and you aren't God and you can't make this OK for any of you, no matter your wishes. As to your having regrets? Yes. You will. And you will mourn them when you feel them. And you will move on. That's what life is.
My heart so goes out to you all and I wish you all the very very best.
Seems to me her taking the time to go over for two months will do no good. The sister has options but the mother does not want to take advantage of them. So what is the OP going to be able to do if she has no support from Mom. Mom just wants things her way. Probably would love to have OP living in Scotland again to care for her. There is a reason OP left Scotland and came to the US.
Just my opinion, take the two weeks, maybe longer if you can. If Mom doesn't want the partner than maybe he/she should stay home. This visit you need to evaluate the situation. Is Mom as bad as Sister says? If so, then you need to bring in Social Work to evaluate Mom for services. You all sit there while SW explains what they can do to help Mom. You make it clear to SW that you live in the US and do not plan to return to Scotland to live. Make both sister and Mom aware that you will not be moving back. Not so much because you have a partner but because you have a business and a life in the US.
"I go there to cook and clean up." Some vacation huh but one less thing sister has to do. Yes, Sister is burned out and its because of Mom not because you are not there. Sister needed to set boundries long ago but I understand a manipulative mother. Sis thinks your the answer/option. Your not, either is she. Mom needs to allow help into her home. One of our members said this the other day :
"Nothing will get an elder a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn"
Ask Mom what do you think will happen to you if something happens to Sister? If like in the US, APS can come in and remove her from her home if she cannot care for herself. Better she gets things set up now and does as much as she can for herself if she wants to stay in her home.
No, your not a bad daughter. Your caught between a rock and a hard place. I think our elders forget what it was like to hold down a job. You have to work. Your lucky you own your own business. If you worked for someone else you may not be able to take a 2 week vacation, let alone 2 months. And Sister doesn't seem to know what its like to be responsible to an employer. She is burnt out and is not even allowed to take advantage of what is available because Mom won't allow it. Your sister is blaming the wrong person and you can't be the option.
So go over see if u can talk Mom into some help because sister is burnt out. If you get everything set up, come home and Mom again refuses help, you have done what you can. Sis is going to have to learn to set boundries.
And yes, your husband or lifelong partner do become your #1. Once children are on their own, we let them go to live their own lives. You hope that they can be there to help when you need them but you never rely on that. We all need to rely on ourselves.
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