Dad is a narcissist. He's always been one. Our issues go way back. Since he had a stroke, his behavior is on steroids, he's verbally and emotionally abusive. They have a live in aide now, who is more like a glorified companion that gets $200 a day cash. He said if I don't completely take over mom's care, I can't know anything. He sarcastically said you're too busy, you have a child (I do, she's 5). He said I'm the daughter who should be taking care of her mother. He again sarcastically said he has his own "baby" and "issues". He has not set up anything for Mom as far as POA, no trust for her in case he goes first, doesn't care if she goes to follow ups, doesn't care if she refuses care, such as PT. She just refused an MRI in the hospital this past week.
Mom has dementia, fecal incontinence, refuses care, smokes, has gotten so weak she can't walk, can't remember to eat, can't cook, or use the microwave (just a few things).
My husband told my dad he should contact an elder attorney and set something up for mom. I refuse to clean up the chaos he creates any longer. He gets enjoyment of leaving chaos for me to clean up. For example, he has literally said it looks like someone sh*t all over the bathroom, go clean it up. It took me three hours to clean that bathroom. The entire time the house heat was jacked to 84 degrees. I was crying, covered in sweat, feces, and bleach. Yes, I asked him to turn the heat down. He said, "what about me???"
He didn't even tell us the hospital moved her to a rehab facility yesterday. I had to call around to the local ones to see where she's at. He makes it impossible. Just thinking about dealing with him gets me anxious. I wasn't going to participate, just read on the site. Today finding out he's decided not to tell us anything is the last straw. I don't know what I can do, other than be completely estranged.
Consider consulting with an attorney with your husband about how to move forward in gathering evidence of abuse. Or to hear what other options may exist. I am so sorry about this dreadful dreadful situation. It is purely and simply elder abuse.
Thankfully, she is absolutely safe now. I just spoke to her at the rehab. She said everyone is very nice and doesn't need anything. ☺️
Try to think of it as being estranged from his illness, rather than him. Get your mom in a facility. Call Adult Protective Service if nec.
Why was your mom in the hospital? Maybe from rehab it will be a good time to move her directly to whatever level of care is appropriate for her. I'm sure you have NO desire to spend another 3 hours cleaning up a poopy bathroom! I would stop doing ANYTHING that helps your dad. Poopy bathroom? Well, dad, you better clean it or call a hazmat service to come do it because I am NEVER doing that again. If mom went into a facility, you'd be able to see her and completely cut your dad out.
This woman needs to feel she deserves respect. And that isn't easy with a (likely) life-long dysfunctional relationship with her father/parent(s). This inner psychological pull doesn't stop overnight.
That she did this shows she needs professional help. I, too, suggested / encouraged her to call APS. She needs to remove herself from the situation until she heals herself. Otherwise, it will be revolving door spiraling down to an unfortunate outcome.
You should not be doing anything for your father at this point; the caregiver is getting $200 a day to doing light housekeeping, caring and cooking, which should be enough to sustain them. She can call 911 should the need arise, and if she agrees to keep you informed, that should solve the issue you're facing. I'm sorry you're in such a position to begin with, it has to be very hard on you.
If mom is in rehab, why not go visit her there? That's what I'd do if it were me. You know dad won't likely be around, and that's a great way to cast eyes on mom and give her a hug w/o dad being around to irritate you.
Best of luck
My mom had palliative care visiting. The nurse called me last month and told me the aide seems to get on very well with my dad, but not my mom. Palliative care was aware of my concerns. The social worker and the nurse were scattering their appointment every 2 weeks just to keep an eye out. Each one visited once a month. I'm not sure if my dad and mom m cancelled that. I haven't heard anything in almost two months.
Mom just got to the rehab yesterday. I spoke with her today. I'll visit her tomorrow.
You probably know that's a bunch of cow manure. When your dad married your mom and took vows for "sickness and health, better or worse", etc, he WAS signing up for "it".
Have your read Cloud and Townsend's book, "Boundaries"? I highly recommend it. I've struggled with boundaries also.
II have gotten very close to God and have tried to do a lot of letting go! If it were me and my mom was put in a rehab and would not be going back to a good situation, I would ask the doctors if they could perhaps look into perhaps having her have better care in assisted living. If need be, take pictures of the house in disarray and see if you can get guardianship of your mom. That way your dad will not be involved. Maybe you could set up a group like naborforce who are seniors as well and help to take care of other seniors. That way you will not have to focus on him and take his continual his abusiveness. Sending you prayers and wishing you all the best!
I ended up going to counseling regarding setting boundaries. Set the expectation with him of what you are willing to do and maintain that. I wish you peace in this situation.
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